Why does my ex girlfriend wish to remain friends?

[HolidayHawk]

The background: We dated seriously for 2 years. After we mutually broke up, we dated off and on for a year. Late last spring, we decided to cut ties for good. She said I wasn’t supportive, caring, or committed enough. When she began dating someone, I realized I’d taken her for granted, that I actually did love her, and decided I wanted her back. My wooing obviously didn’t work, as she was happy with the new guy and was still hurt by the way things ended between us. I understood her rational – I blew it; he made her happy.

She’s been single since August. Shortly after her breakup with the new guy, we resumed contact. Knowing the frailty of the situation, I refrained from gallantly trying to win her back. My smoothness lasted 3 weeks before I told her that I still had feelings for her, loved her, wanted her back, had realized I took her for granted, etc. She responded that she didn’t want to get back together, that, if anything, she only wanted to be friends, and that we shouldn’t see each other at all for a while.

Listening to her advice, I waited a few weeks before contacting her. I contacted her about two months ago. Since then, we’ve communicated either by phone or face-to-face at least once a day.

The now: Since reconnecting, we’ve created a better friendship than we had while dating. We’ve watched movies together, we’ve hung out at her place, we’ve met for dinner, and so on. Further, over the past two months I’ve become more of a help to her than ever – when I’m over I wash dishes, I’ve helped her move heavy objects, I co-hosted a party of hers, and so on. (Note: I hardly did any of those things when we dated.) Also, since reconnecting, I haven’t brought up getting back together. For her part, she’s indicated that she doesn’t want our relationship to go beyond friendship. That said, we've spent a lot of time together during the past two months and have had many meaningful conversations.

The questions: We weren’t exactly good friends when we dated. What’s in it for her to just be friends now? She has a close knit group of friends already. And she doesn’t need me for help around the house – she could easily snatch up another boyfriend who would help her. Is this a “trial period” in which I’m auditioning to be her boyfriend again? I don’t mind if it is, but I would like to know if I have a shot. Is she afraid it’s all a ruse: Is she afraid that I’ll stop being caring, supportive, and helpful if we start dating again? Ladies, does any of this make sense?

[sadie_genie]

You have to move it to the physical because that is what changes a friendship to a romantic relationship. Flirt with her and wait for the right moment to move in for a kiss. But make sure you are doing this when you are ready to commit to being a supportive and caring boyfriend this time.

[xxazurexx]

Usually they will keep you around and as a 'back up'. If they get nobody else, they have you to fall back on.

End of the day, she ditched you and got involved immediatley elsewhere....you owe her nothing, nope, not even friendship.

My view is, is that if I wasn't good enough for a relationship, then I'm not good enough to be a friend either. If they don't want the 'full' package, they don't get 'half' of the package either.

Depends if you can deal with friends or not - some people can't do friends, I know I couldn't. It aint a good feeling to be 'downgraded'....

[ammi00]

I think you should learn your lesson and move on. Be more "committed, caring & supportive" in your future relationships. Her interest for you as a boyfriend is gone. If she would have been attracted to you, if she would have wanted you, I'm sure you would have been together again by now. She told you she doesn't want anything else more than a friendship and I'm sure that's the truth. Why does she want you as a friend? Maybe because she knows you, she knows you'll be there because you like her; I think she also takes some advantage of you, and she might even keep you as a back up. You should stop offering her your "friendship". You want more, she doesn't and she won't come back to you. Distance yourself from her.