I made the biggest mistake of my life

[Bigbum]

I have been with my boyfriend 5 and a half years, for about 3 of these years we have lived together. About a year ago we were having problems in our relationship. I have issues with my anger and have lashed out at times, something I am deeply regretful about and I am currently seeking help for this. At the time I was depressed as I was out of work and my mother is an alcoholic which at the time was effecting me quite badly. My boyfriend and I had had an argument as I was leaving for a night out with friends. He told me he didn't want to be with me and that I was not getting back in the house that night although he knew I didn't have anywhere else to go. I was deeply upset so set out on getting extremely drunk, and I succeeded. Whilst out I bumped into a male friend that both me and my boyfriend know. He invited me back to a house party and with me having nowhere to stop I thought why not and thought I was being asked as a friend. Later in the night when people had left this other guy made advances towards me and before I knew it we were having sex, it all happened so quick and once I realised what was happening I stopped it. I felt like I had been taken advantage of as I was vulnerable and extremely drunk but I would never say it was rape. I told the guy it was wrong as I love my boyfriend deeply, which I do. Now I panicked about this situation and didn't tell my boyfriend as I was scared. Stupid I know. A few days later me and my boyfriend sorted things out and we were getting on brilliantly. Then he found out. At first he was devastated but said he didn't want us to split up as he loved me. We went on holiday and had a great time. Then recently he has become quite nasty telling me he doesn't want to be with me and he has been pursuing other women. I still live with him as I don't have any other option but I do want to be with him more than anything. I have tried so hard to make things right but I don't know what else to do. Should I let him go because I don't deserve him anymore? All advice welcome. Thanks in advance

[lalalita]

Let it go, move on. You had a rocky relationship then and still do now.

[masticate]

Yes you should have told him. I am presently going through a remarkably similar thing with my gf. You will have to identify how you feel about it, as well as him. Maybe you should revisit just how 'quickly everything happened' and what you really did to put a stop to it.

I would strongly, strongly discourage you from pestering him for information regarding his 'decision'. I can not emphasize that enough.

[chinagirl]

As far as i'm concerned, this friend of yours raped you because he took advantage of you while you were intoxicated with alcohol and unable to make a sound decision for yourself whether to consent or not in having sex with him.

This is something that you should have reported. As far as your BF is concerned, he should also put that into consideration.

Explain to your BF exactly what happened that night, if he is not understanding about it, dump him. He is not worth your while.

[searock]

You were raped, it's not your fault. Your boyfriend is a jerk for not realizing it.

[dem862]

Too much drama. Stop drinking. If your mom is an alcoholic you should know better.

[Bigbum]

Too much drama. Stop drinking. If your mom is an alcoholic you should know better.

Yes my mum is an alcoholic but the difference is I only socially drink. I also know when to stop.

- - - Updated - - -

Also I don't think my boyfriend would see it as rape. This guy has apparently bragged about what happened to people (even though I stopped it so I don't see what there is to brag about) and for my boyfriend it's about his pride which I do understand. This guy has also made out like I was chasing him afterwards which was most definitely not the case. I love my boyfriend and have only ever been interested in him while we've been together. I never thought I would do anything so stupid to risk losing him but think I have for good now. How could I possibly make it up to him?

[michelle23]

You cant. I dont see it as rape. Sorry girls but you were both drunk. You were angry at your bf. You went home with him and then you didnt say no until it happened. If theres a lesson to learn here-its to stay away from men when your drunk. We all know that if a drunk guy invites you to his place its only for one reason..

Anyway you cheated. Your bf has to make a decision. He can either try to forgive you and try to work on it or dump you. But telling you hes going to get revenge by pursuing other girls is abusive and you shouldnt tolerate that. You need to stand up to him and tell him its all or nothing and its his choice. If he continues to abuse and threaten-walk away coz its already over

[Bigbum]

Thank you, I appreciate your advice.

[searock]

Your friend knew that you were drunk and he took advantage of you. You were raped because you were unable to give consent, since you were drunk.

A drunk person is unable to consent and sex without consent is rape. If your boyfriend doesn't see it this way, I assure you, you are MUCH better off without him.

Get therapy to help you through this. Learn how to stop drinking immediately as soon as you start getting tipsy.

[dem862]

Yes my mum is an alcoholic but the difference is I only socially drink. I also know when to stop.

I felt like I had been taken advantage of as I was vulnerable and extremely drunk

So when to stop is sometime after the point you have been taken advantage of and vulnerable?!? 0.o

[michelle23]

Jeez she wasnt raped. He was drunk too and they were obviously getting intimate, kissing etc before it lead to sex.. she shouldn't have went home with him.

[masticate]

It wasn't a raping. Don't throw around accusations that can have serious long-term repercussions for people whom you've never met and have no idea about. She cheated and she's sorry and her boyfriend is angry. Leaving him for expressing his anger and having surges of testosterone is also stupid. You should afford him the right to become angry over it; it's called catharsis and if he's deprived of this psychic release of emotions then he won't be right in the head and will never trust you. It is not fair to give a person an ultimatum immediately after you betray them. If you want to be with him, prepare for your relationship to change. If you don't, then hurry up and leave.

Don't try to pass the blame around to the other guy or society or your boyfriend; you're the one who got it in there.

[searock]

How can she have cheated if she wasn't even aware of what was happening? She was intoxicated and in no position to consent.

[masticate]

How can she have cheated if she wasn't even aware of what was happening? She was intoxicated and in no position to consent.

Actually.... by withdrawing consent the way she did, it is implied that consent was given initially.

If you believe she wasn't aware what was happening... then you have been duped just like every idiot guy who gets cheated on and thinks it's ok. By time she figured out what she was doing in this guy's place with her pants off it was too late huh?