Do I pull the plug, or wait for him?

[jwireman]

Hi again everyone. I have posted before concerning this situation I'm in and things have certainly progressed to the point where I'm once again at a loss for how to proceed.

I started casually dating a man who works in another branch of my work place over the summer. We hit it off hot and heavy instantly. A great connection was mutual and we were averaging about 1 date night a week. Communication was static in between dates but we would see each other in the office and he always initiated. From the jump, he said he wasn't in a place for anything serious but wanted to see where this would go. Recently divorced and a Mom of a toddler, I was in the same boat.

I suppose things started to progress quicker than he wanted/expected and he opened up one night at dinner that he has "walls up" and is scared to let someone in and doesn't know what he wants in life. But knows that he likes me a lot and wants to continue doing this. After this, I suppose he got in his head and suggested that we "take a breather" while he went on vacation and if I was willing, we'd "start over when he got back." I wished him well and told him I wouldn't be reaching out, but if he was in a different place, he knew how to reach me. Honestly, I was pretty bummed out but never showed it.

2 weeks later, he reached out and we went out on two dates last week. We had 2 very long heart to heart talks those two nights. I asked him straight up if we were just hooking up, and he said "No. it's more than that. I wouldn't have come back if I didn't have feelings for you." He then told me that he isn't and has not been seeing or talking to anyone else and wants to be exclusive but is not ready to call me his girlfriend. He says "seeing each other". Basically, he doesn't know what he wants from life and still wants to travel and all that jazz but made it very clear he wants to continue doing this and "let it progress naturally" and "take it slow" and that he IS thinking long term with me.

During this conversation, I made it clear to him that I needed more communication when we are not together and he HAS texted me first the past few days which is very big considering how he's been with texting since we got together.

My problem is, I seem to have to be the aggressor with him and it makes me feel like he is not interested or like I'm chasing. I have initiated the past few dates we have gone on. The proud part of me wants to fall back and see what happens but part of me is telling me he needs me to lead for this to become something that I DO want it to become.

I know I have an anxious attatchment style and I am used to much more communication and it's honestly making me miserable and I can't continue to let myself be unhappy...but he DID make small steps in the right direction.

Help

[Hooo!]

Tell him this
Tell him also from me:

Walls do not keep the pain out.
You are already scarred and have known pain
Walls protect you from new pain
But they keep the pain of not loving in
They keep resignation contempt hate and hurt in
They also keep love out

If he can't or won't let go of the walls that are not serving him
If he can't decide to love no matter what and be proud and content with this decision
Then how will he stand a chance at love
How will he be able to enter a relationship


If his heart is closed
There can't be a visitor
And noone will be able to stay

No matter how much they try

And in the end they will hurt themselves in the attempt to break in

[TheEvilJester]

He's told you he wants to take things slow, but that he DOES want to move forward with you. So far, it sounds like he's been living up to his word. It sounds like you say he has done better with some things and things have progressed to some degree. So, in that aspect he's done nothing wrong. He's seems to be doing exactly what he said.

...The thing is that also doesn't automatically mean you have to be okay with his time frame. If things are moving too slowly for you, that does NOT make you wrong. You shouldn't necessarily pressure him if he isn't ready, but at the same time nor should you have to wait forever if you ARE ready. You can talk to him about it here and there, let him know how you are feeling, etc. But you shouldn't necessarily tell him how to handle his own baggage. ...Which, again, doesn't make you wrong if it ever gets to be too much for you.

So, I guess it really just boils down to a matter of how long you are willing to wait vs. how soon he feels he can move on from his past. Hooo is right. Walls don't just keep out new pain... they also keep in the old pain. And, as Hooo illustrated, they also keep out new joy. So at some point, for his own sake as much as for those who love him, he needs to get over his past. Sometimes you can't rush that, though.... but you also can't put your life on hold forever waiting for him.

Hopefully that ends up not even having to be an issue. Hopefully his time frame winds up aligning with yours enough to make it work out. If not, though, you'd not be wrong to decide to move on. If you have to do that, I wouldn't suggest treating him as though he's done anything wrong, that could just force him back in his shell more than anything. But, if he can't seem to get over his past then you may have no other option than to move on. Because until he gets over his past, he won't be able to fully let you (or anybody else in the future) in the way you deserve.

Good luck.