[In depth] Need advice, pregnant girlfriend LEFT ME - full details inside.

[danielmahan]

Hi guys, i'm using this forum as an attempt to get some outsider advice/input on my current situation. Its very hard what i'm going through right now, and to get the best advice i'm going to post as much detail as possible for my given situation, sorry if this becomes a wall of text! I'll try to space things out in groups for timeframe and so its easier on the eyes.

Background
-I've known my ex for 7 years, we started out casually dating (nothing serious) and then we lost touch for a few years.

-In August of 2012 we got together, and decided to make our dating official.

-We found out she was pregnant October 2012 (2 months after we got together)

I've been to SEVERAL doctors appointments, all of which say she conceived in september (WHILE WE WERE TOGETHER) so i am fully convinced (90%) that the baby is mine.

She is Due in June, we are having a baby girl.

What Went Wrong?

In November of 2012, i found condoms in her drawer next to her bed. (2) of them, in a box. I thought nothing of it, so i didn't say anything....
Until December of 2012, I looked in the drawer again and found only (1) condom in the box.

I immediately freaked out on her, i said i was leaving her, i left her house in anger, and when she called me i called her a cheating whore and that I demanded a Lie Detector test before we had any chance of being together again.

She claims she used 1 a year ago, and gave 1 to her friend, that is why there is only 1 left in the box.
It made me re-think if i saw 2 for 100% but I definitely did, and i knew deep down she was lying to make herself look better to her parents/family/friends.

December 2012

The condom incident happened on December 4th. After which, we did not see each other or speak until December 11th.
When we did speak, It was pure anger/frustration fighting back and forth, mainly from me, but from her she was more angry about how I reacted.

- we did not see eachother/speak for the rest of the month, entirely skipped christmas.

On NEW YEARS: I drove to her house, to confront her and her parents, and what i came to find out, is she made me out to be "EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE" and "INSECURE" towards her. Her parents were CONVINCED that i was mistreating their daughter, and did not want her to see me anymore.

- Just a bit of 411, I was PRICELESS to this girl, never accussed, never mistreated, always was a gentlemen with her, and her parents LOVED ME.

January 2012

We met on Jan 8th to find out the sex of the baby, its a baby girl.

I tried to talk to her a few days after, to ask her if she wanted to go to build-a-bear with me to make a baby girl stuffed bear ... she declined.

Her Mental History: This is the important section

She was diagnosed with Manic-Depression and Bipolar 1 Several years ago, prior to use meeting.
She stopped taking her medication roughly 3 years ago, and she goes through stages of not speaking to people for months at a time.

When we first met, she was cheating on her boyfriend at the time, WITH ME.

She has cuts, ALL DOWN HER BODY, Arms/Wrists/Legs/Thighs/Ankles/Hips
Very visible, even to her doctors when shes gone to doctors appointments.





Given all of this info, I am looking for some solid advice on where i should go from here....
I have an engagement ring, i've had since december 21st, wanting to make A FAMILY for our child,
I dont know much about manic-depression in relationships, but i am very hurt/scared as to how she has
acted in regards to all of this. She is not talking to me, and I dont know what to do.

The best advice i was given, was from my father who says what i should do is STOP contacting her, and make her feel like i've moved on - so she will come crawling back to me, however I have not contacted her in 11 days, and I am still not hearing from her.

This is the last message i sent to her

Hey,
I know its been a while since we've talked, I just want to start this off by apologizing for coming to see you on New Years and pushing as much as I was to try and get us back together. It took me some time, but I truly do agree with you and this breakup in realizing now that we aren't right for each other. I don't expect you to be my friend anymore either but I'm hoping we can be civil adults and communicate for our daughter, i'm very curious to know what you have in mind for name choices, and what your intentions are for custody/etc. As well as your baby shower details / etc etc etc~
Been trying to call you this past weekend just to catch up and see how everything is going with the pregnancy, keep me updated alright? On here, by text, or a call ~ or talk to my Mom if you want - my parents are really starting to freak out that there not hearing from you Remember this is their first grandchild...take your time to figure everything out - but don't make them wait to long, please.
Be safe, hope your eating right!

any/all advice/feedback would be VERY APPRICIATED! Please... thank u...

[se9915]

This sounds like a difficult situation that could benefit from a professional opinion. Has your ex-gf been manic or depressed recently, particularly since she has been pregnant? Have you been in contact with her parents to explain your side of the story?

[danielmahan]

This sounds like a difficult situation that could benefit from a professional opinion. Has your ex-gf been manic or depressed recently, particularly since she has been pregnant? Have you been in contact with her parents to explain your side of the story?

I am not very familiar with how to identify if she has/hasnt been manic recently :/ She has been very upset/stressed with all of the changes coming with the baby, i told her she could move in with me (we both live at our parents) I am 25 years old, she is 23. I make $3000 a month working at the casino, and she makes roughly $1000 a month working at walgreens. I told her she can move in with me, i will pay 100% for the expenses/bills for her, everything, but she declined my offers

I tried to talk to the parents on new years, but they were CONVINCED that I was emotionally abuse, as they saw the "CHEATING WHORE" text that she showed them. and her fathers response was that i should not have went in her drawers.

[danielmahan]

Where can i go to get a "Professional Opinion" ?
Lawyer/Doctor?

I am going to hire a lawyer by april 25th for custody

[basilandthyme]

I don't care what her background is and how nice you were in the past. If you freaked out and screamed at me that I was a cheating whore and demanded a lie detector test - all without even asking me about the condom - I'd dump your ass too. Your behaviour was unforgivable and very scary. I think she's correct to be away from you.

[danielmahan]

I don't care what her background is and how nice you were in the past. If you freaked out and screamed at me that I was a cheating whore and demanded a lie detector test - all without even asking me about the condom - I'd dump your ass too. Your behaviour was unforgivable and very scary. I think she's correct to be away from you.

Slow down.

1. The very first thing i did when i saw the condoms was ask her about it. I said word for word: "I know there was 2 in this box just last week, now there is only 1, explain this please"
and her imediate response was she panicked, was rummidging through the drawer "trying to find it" and then all of a sudden she came up with this story that she "gave 1 to her friend a year ago and she used 1 a year ago, that is why there is only 1 left in the box"

2. So that basically sums your input on how you would "dump my ass too" given the fact that I DID confront her about the condom first and when she was lying to my face, I LEFT and then i blew up on her on the phone NOT TO HER FACE.


your post was pure ignorance.

[basilandthyme]

No, it's not ignorance. You wrote the story in a different order in your original post which changes the context. Your story went from 1. lost condom to 2. anger and verbal abuse to 3. she claimed that she gave it to a friend. If you want more accurate advice, try writing the story so that it reflects what happened.

I'm appalled at the wording you used and that you chose to confront instead of discuss. It was a perfect example of how to get into an argument.....especially when combined with the demanding manner you used. If you want to have an open and honest discussion, try using a less confrontatious manner such as "hey, didn't there used to be two condoms here?"

Anyway, the new order in which you've described things would still leave you dumped if you were my boyfriend. You rudely confronted her and then abused her.

And you don't believe her story anyway, so why are you so worried about getting her back?? If you want to keep a person in your life, you don't speak to them like this.

[danielmahan]

No, it's not ignorance. You wrote the story in a different order in your original post which changes the context. Your story went from 1. lost condom to 2. anger and verbal abuse to 3. she claimed that she gave it to a friend. If you want more accurate advice, try writing the story so that it reflects what happened.

I'm appalled at the wording you used and that you chose to confront instead of discuss. It was a perfect example of how to get into an argument.....especially when combined with the demanding manner you used. If you want to have an open and honest discussion, try using a less confrontatious manner such as "hey, didn't there used to be two condoms here?"

Anyway, the new order in which you've described things would still leave you dumped if you were my boyfriend. You rudely confronted her and then abused her.

And you don't believe her story anyway, so why are you so worried about getting her back?? If you want to keep a person in your life, you don't speak to them like this.

ok now THAT is more of what i was really looking for... thank you for clearing that up...

Its hard to read the truth and accept the truth sometimes (in regards to your feedback)

but your right, i was in the wrong for reacting the way that i did, but i truly love the girl....

LOVE enough that i baught an engagement ring AFTER THE FACT of all the condom incident.

Do i still beleive her? No, because she made up a blatant lie to cover her ass, and i know her to lie in the past regarding MANY issues.

but when you say: "So why are you so worried about getting her back" my honest answer is... i dont know... a part of me wants us just to be a peaceful family (her, I, and our new born in June)


Regardless of how I feel, my main focus of "ADVICE" i am looking for it, what should *I* do? should i move on, she is carrying my child keep in mind...
I've gone through the stages of accepting that I ****ed up by how I reacted with the condom incident, I shouldn't have done it, but there is ALOT of backstory to her lying to my face that set me off.

[basilandthyme]

Honestly, when all is said and done, I think you're better off without her. She may have unwittingly done you a favour.

If part of you wants a peaceful family, you're not going to find it with her.

[HeartIsAching]

Slow down.

1. The very first thing i did when i saw the condoms was ask her about it. I said word for word: "I know there was 2 in this box just last week, now there is only 1, explain this please"
and her imediate response was she panicked, was rummidging through the drawer "trying to find it" and then all of a sudden she came up with this story that she "gave 1 to her friend a year ago and she used 1 a year ago, that is why there is only 1 left in the box"

2. So that basically sums your input on how you would "dump my ass too" given the fact that I DID confront her about the condom first and when she was lying to my face, I LEFT and then i blew up on her on the phone NOT TO HER FACE.


your post was pure ignorance.

You're controlling, insecure and emotionally abusive. That's easy to see. She's well shut of you. Get some help.

[danielmahan]

You're controlling, insecure and emotionally abusive. That's easy to see. She's well shut of you. Get some help.

controlling? - i dont control what she does, who she is, or anything about her.
insecure? - our relationship STARTED with her cheating on her ex with me, and now shes pregnant with my child, i have reasons to be insecure.
Emotionally Abusive? - PLEASE explain this to me, since you wanna use this term so easily, HOW am i emotionally abusive? ANYONE would blow up given the same situation I am in. I have never even YELLED at this girl our entire life together until this condom incident, so tell me again, HOW am i abusive? I didnt even yell at her face-to-face out of respect for her being my daughters mother, i LEFT and i called her a cheating whore on the PHONE, i know ALOT of people that would do MUCH WORSE.

so again, GO **** UR IGNORANT/USELESS COMMENTS

[danielmahan]

Honestly, when all is said and done, I think you're better off without her. She may have unwittingly done you a favour.

If part of you wants a peaceful family, you're not going to find it with her.

Exactly, like a blessing in disguise.

[HeartIsAching]

controlling? - i dont control what she does, who she is, or anything about her.
insecure? - our relationship STARTED with her cheating on her ex with me, and now shes pregnant with my child, i have reasons to be insecure.
Emotionally Abusive? - PLEASE explain this to me, since you wanna use this term so easily, HOW am i emotionally abusive? ANYONE would blow up given the same situation I am in. I have never even YELLED at this girl our entire life together until this condom incident, so tell me again, HOW am i abusive? I didnt even yell at her face-to-face out of respect for her being my daughters mother, i LEFT and i called her a cheating whore on the PHONE, i know ALOT of people that would do MUCH WORSE.

so again, GO **** UR IGNORANT/USELESS COMMENTS

Thanks for making my point for me, twit. Hope she never lets you see your kid.

[surfhb2]

controlling? - i dont control what she does, who she is, or anything about her.
insecure? - our relationship STARTED with her cheating on her ex with me, and now shes pregnant with my child, i have reasons to be insecure.
Emotionally Abusive? - PLEASE explain this to me, since you wanna use this term so easily, HOW am i emotionally abusive? ANYONE would blow up given the same situation I am in. I have never even YELLED at this girl our entire life together until this condom incident, so tell me again, HOW am i abusive? I didnt even yell at her face-to-face out of respect for her being my daughters mother, i LEFT and i called her a cheating whore on the PHONE, i know ALOT of people that would do MUCH WORSE.

so again, GO **** UR IGNORANT/USELESS COMMENTS

Haha! Say again?

Just move on and prepare for child support payments. Shitty situation I know but its grown up time for you my friend. God! I hate stories like this....especially for a 23 year old kid. Whatever you do dont marry this girl...it will be a disaster