What's holding me back? *this is long, but I need advice*

[w876012c]

Hey everyone, I'm new to the forums, so first off Hi to everyone. I've been struggling with thoughts and feelings racing through my head for the past few days now. It feels as though an epic battle is being waged in my head and heart right now. And I just need some advice from someone.

When I was 17 I went on a mission trip to Romania. In my group there was a girl named Michele. To make this long part of the story short, we fell in love on the trip although we knew it would be hard when we got home.

See, I live in Pennsylvania while she lives in SC, its a bit of a distance by any means. But through it all we talked, continued to love eachother, and eventually nearly a year later I was able to see her again when she came up for prom. Up till this point I can say that i've been a happy kid, but those few days she was there with me were honestly the most happiest days of my life.

Prom ended and she went home.

That is the first part of my story. But kind of love story would it be without hardship ya know? Thats the second part.

While on my mission trip I had very few chances to contact my parents. However one of the times I did call them I informed my mom of this girl I found who had the same ideals and beliefs as me. This was mistake #1. Right at that moment the conflict began when she said she did not want to hear anything of the sort and all that.

Forwarding to when I got home now. Michele and I talked on the phone every night, not so much as to increase the phone bill, or tie up the lines for anyone else. We did it at other's convenience. My mother was accepting, but cautious, at first continuing to think it was a bad idea for me to find someone on a trip like that.

The months pasted and my mother's acceptance began to turn to regret and disapointment as she began to want me to have nothing to do with Michele. My mother caught her lying to me 2 times. To me I thought it showed how much she actually cared for me. To her, it showed that she was nothing more than a lier. I was young, and kinda stupid, looking back now I can see where I was definately in the wrong, but the next few months at home were a living hell between me and my mom, with me threatening to walk out a few times.

I believe this started to have an effect on our relationship (Michele and I) and I could see that talk of my mom would always find it's way into the conversation when we spoke.

Prom came and went, and so did she. Over the summer I attended a music camp for vocal preformers and had a wonderful time, all the while attempting to stay in contact with Michele. Eventually though the fighting got worse until we both came to a mutual agreement one day that it would be better for us to go our seperate ways.

I don't know how many of you have been in a long distance relationship before, but those who have can vouch for me when I say it's one of the toughest things to maintain.

We talked occasionaly, but eventually stopped in the end. Things returned to normal at the house, and I went through my senior year and graduated.

I went to college and made it through my first term. Over the course of that term I met a few girls that I kinda liked, but never really made a move at any of them. And after meeting each girl I'd think about Michele, even if it was for a moment. Towards the end of the semester Michele sent me a message on Myspace. I had not talked to her in roughly a year and it was great to see she was still doing well.

We began talking again through AIM and Myspace for awhile and I got to thinking that i had some money saved up and was working, so maybe I'd go down to see her. Well, when mom found out she was infuriated, (Keep in mind I am 19 now). This in turn sparked the arguing back up and eventually we stopped talking again.

I felt bad, it seemed as if every time I started talking to her, she ended up getting hurt. But as the months turned into years I never did stop thinking about her.

Over the next few years we'd talk off and on for brief times, all the meanwhile thinking in the back of my head that I can no longer have feelings for her because I don't want her to get hurt again. But I couldn't help it, I still loved her and she said she still loved me.

She wrote to me several more times, but these I ignored, thinking it to be better to put her out of my mind and make her think I wasn't interested in her anymore, hoping she could find someone else to make her happy.

She did just that. By chance one day I checked an old email acct i didn't use much and saw a new message from her. She had gotten married and was 5 or 6 months pregnant. My heart litteraly sank and a sense of deep regret has consumed me from that day.

I'm now 23 and we've been talking for a few months. She says she isn't happy in her marriage and that her husband abuses her while he goes out to drink. She gave birth to a beautiful baby girl named Cheyanne and has since begun the divorce process.

This last summer We talked for hours on the phone, and I had to actually increase my minutes. I was doing my internship and had money saved up for a rainy day. I asked her If I could come vist her, just as friends, and she said she would love to see me again. However when I went to withdraw the money from the bank, my dad asked me what I had taken money out for.

I told him what I was doing, and my dad, he's never been really for or against it, he just wanted to see me succeed in life. But again my mother found out and a heated argument insued that lasted 2-3 weeks.

We decided it best not to see eachother, the timeing just wasn't right. We talked for about 6 months steady before the talking slowed down.

Brings us to today. I'm 24 now and working full time for a police dept. in PA. I'm out of the house and paying for most of my bills. About 4 weeks ago we started talking again. Since then I've spent most of my day, when I'm not working, texting her and talking to her on the computer. She has made it very clear to me that she loves me with all her heart. I've tried to put it behind me over the years, but the feelings I thought I gave up for her came back stronger than ever.

She is attempting to come up here in August this year and it will be the first time we've seen eachother, other than pictures, in over 6 years. I gotta say, I'm nervous as hell.

We constantly talk about being together, about me relocating to SC and finding a job with a dept. down there. And I would love that, if after we see eachother again we are sure that we are meant for eachother, but I think back on all the things that have happened over the years...

I find that I'm starting to have my doubts now. I jump at the chance to move down there, but I hesitate in my mind when I think about it. How will I do it? Can I afford it? Will this be the best thing that has ever happened to me? Or will i completely ruin all the good things I have going for me now in life? What will this do to the relationship with my parents?

I'm sorry if i've put you guys to sleep with what basicly is my life story, But I am completely at a loss here. I do not know what to do.

When I think of her I smile, right now reading back through this and remembering things I'm actually starting to get a little teary eyed.

I need suggestions and advice guys and gals.

The one thing I never want to live with is this... Regretting not making a decision that could have made me the happiest man in the world. But at what cost and gamble should I take that chance?

Thanks.

[Yggdrasil]

Just goes to show how much damage a controlling mother can do. Oh yeah, your mom has control issues.. BIGTIME.

And because of those control issues, you're second guessing yourself.

I am not saying you should jump in the boat with Michele, only you and her can make that choice.

I am trying to point out where the problem is. Realizing that may be something that's usefull in making any decissions in the future.

When it comes to making a choice, your chances are 50/50, just like anybody elses.

In my opinion, better to have lived and loved, than to have never loved at all.

Keep your eyes open for red flags though, don't idealize Michelle.

Hope this helps you getting on the right track.

[w876012c]

I don't know if I'd call it idolizing her. there are plenty of things that both of us could work on. As far as the mother, yes, she has always been very controlling. I've gained 100% freedom from her except in this one field. I guess I don't want to ruin the relationship I have with her if I end up moving, and i'm nearly positive that is what will happen.

[Yggdrasil]

I don't know if I'd call it idolizing her. there are plenty of things that both of us could work on. As far as the mother, yes, she has always been very controlling. I've gained 100% freedom from her except in this one field. I guess I don't want to ruin the relationship I have with her if I end up moving, and i'm nearly positive that is what will happen.

Well.. your mother is going to have to accept that she can't control you. That's something you sooner or later are going to have to make clear to her.

When it comes to you and Michelle: if (*IF*) you guys decide to give it a shot, like I said, your chances are 50/50 just like with anyone else, then definitely both work on your issues.

I usually suggest couple counseling for people who end up in situations like the one you may end up. That's not a bad thing btw.

IF you guys are not going to give it a shot, then I still would suggest you go counseling for yourself, even if it's just to deal with the issues your controlling mother has placed on you.

Whatever decision you make and whatever partner you choose, I assume you want that relation to be a healthy one, free of past luggage.

Whatever way you decide to go, good luck bud.

[Cbrider]

Like Ygg pointed out, your mom has control issues in a major way. You are living in fear of what your mother may think. Look pal, its YOUR life, if your mom wants something to control she should get a dog. It is in NO WAY your mothers choice how you conduct your life.

When you are growing up your parents guide you and try to steer you in the right direction according to them. There comes a point in your life when the bonds with your mother from a guidance stand point need to dissolve, you are a good 4 or 5 years past that point.

I'm hesitant to suggest you pursue Michele, as I know how infatuating love can be, causing tunnel vision and a complete shutdown of life outside that one person. You have had feelings for her for a long time. I personally think it would be foolish for you to even start thinking about moving down to see her. Taking trips down to see her and vice versa would be fine, and a good first step in establishing just where exactly this could go.

Someone that young with a child and being or in the process of divorce is a re flag for me. She may not be the same person you knew before, she could be damaged goods and you need to be extra vigilant about that. Don't doubt her off the bat, just don't skip over anything, you have a lot of fun and happy time ahead of you, don't waste it chasing a long lost love if its isn't everything you could ever ask for.



The bottom line is, no matter what happens between you and Michele, you have a bigger problem. You need to learn to live your life without the interference or influence of your mother. I had a protective mother, i know what its like to have a mother who's quick to jump into things. I just simply sat down and explained to her one day that, although I love her, she needs to let me be me, live my life. She understood and immediately took steps to let me be myself, but she's always got my best interest in mind.