Girlfriend had 2 previous affairs - considering marriage

[davidnc]

I have been in a committed, monogamous relationship for 2 1/2 years to a woman that I love. She was married for 17 years before we met, and I was married for 19 years. When we started dating, she told me that she had had an affair on her ex a few years into their marriage (and he was the father of one of her children even though she stayed married). I recently found out (through a family member of hers who has axes to grind) that she also had another affair several years later (and insinuations of even more affairs - I didn't want to dig too deeply). When I asked her about this, she was honest about it, but got very mad that I would ask (or that I found out - not sure which). I know her ex and I know that he was an extremely self-absorbed person that no-doubt ignored her and the marriage, but that still, at least in my mind, does not make affairs right. I try not to be judgemental, but even though my ex an I didn't have a perfect marriage (obviously LOL), I would never have even considered cheating on her nor do I think she would have.

I guess my biggest concern is am I being too uptight about my gf's past? I don't care how many partners she had outside of her marriage, but the fact that she violated her vows while she was married makes me hesitant to propose to her. Our relationship is an equal, committed, appreciative, respectful relationship, all of the things that neither of us had in our marriages, but some part of me feels like I cannot trust her if we get married. She has never given me any indication of being unfaithful to me and we are very honest with each other about everything, but I don't want this to turn into a deal breaker for my chance at being with someone who loves me and who I love. Am I just being silly and insecure, like she says? If so, what's the best way for me to get past this?

Thanks in advance

[manonfire]

as long as you can trust her, there is no problem. if you doubt her faithfullness, then you will be driven wild by it. If you can trust her, like for real, you should know that she would never do anything like that. but if you even have a tiny voice inside yoru head telling you "omg she was out the whole night, where has she been? she must be cheating" or something less severe that makes you doubt her, youll be crushed.

[Draven]

Listen to ur gut, if you think she would cheat on you, then she most likely will. i mean once a player always a player right? if you do get married, make sure you keep the sex up, and the emotional stuff to a maximum, make sure she's happy at all times, it might be alot of work though, but if you really love her, you'd be willing to take this chance..

[KirstyM]

Listen to ur gut, if you think she would cheat on you, then she most likely will. i mean once a player always a player right?

Sorry but I think that's bullshit.

People make mistakes, in fact the whole idea of mistakes is that you learn from them and dont make the same mistakes again. Concentrate in the relationship you're in now as opposed to her previous affairs. Trust her and move on.

[davidnc]

Thank you all for your responses. I appreciate all of your input very much - you have made me look at this situation in a different light. Manonfire says that as long as I trust her there is no problem, and I don't really have a reason not to trust her other than my own vivid imagination. I could easily check her email (she gave me her password long ago so I could check the status of an online order that she bought for me), her caller ID, etc etc - I would NEVER do any of that because I think that violates trust. However, imagining her having an affair could theoretically drive me crazy - so perhaps it is myself I need to work on here? Draven says that "once a player always a player" and that has been my biggest fear. The sex and emotional level ARE turned way up and it won't be a problem to maintain them - but she is a woman that "needs" lots of affection and attention. Fortunately, I am the type of man that likes to give lots of both. Kirsty, you slapped me in the face - I needed to hear what you said and I appreciate it as I do the other replys. Looking at my life, I have learned from some of the stupid mistakes I have made - I guess that's what makes us human. I will concentrate on our relationship and move on - her previous relationships have NOTHING to do with me and her now - that was years before we even knew each other.

Thank you all so much - maybe I can put this whole thing behind me now.

David

[KirstyM]

Good luck.

[CalGal]

Sadly, I think that the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. I think many agree with this. Although you may act differently toward her and be a superior husband, your actions will not change her or who she is. She is not an evil person or a liar. But there is something--maybe an insecurity, maybe an emotional set off--that causes her to cheat. She needs to work on this heavily before entering another marriage. Even if she goes to a professional, she may still cheat again. I feel you may get very hurt. I think it may be wise to support her, go to a professional together (she should be willing and she should not get mad at you for finding out--you CAN and SHOULD be mad at her actions), and keep it an nonlegal commitment for awhile. 2.5 years is not too long, especially considering the length of your past marriages.

Overall, I think you are being too easy on her. You can love someone and hate their actions. You should hate her actions and should feel let down. I would be very, very cautious, especially since she was upfront but only about one. That is misleading and controling.

I wish you the best of luck.

[Jenrick285]

I kinda agree with the last post...
Okies so what happens when the relationship starts kinda sorta bumpy, is she going to seek physical/emotional needs elsewhere? But Kirsty is correct as well, in that we're human beings, and we learn through our mistakes. Perhaps she has learned that two wrongs don't make a right and she's looking to move forward.
I think only you can make that character judgement, but as for my opinion, tread lightly but be open minded.