sigh...another of those "are we more than friends" dilemmas

[lostinloveimo]

Hey guys/girls,

I will try to keep this brief, even though it is a little complicated. Basically i'm a 28yr old guy, living with a 24yr old friend (4 of us in house in total) we shall call R, whom I have known for just over 2 years. The very first time I saw her I was attracted to her, and I noticed there were glances from her too, but nothing came of the first few encounters. Over a few months our friend groups became more intertwined and we were going out to party etc more often together, and finally after like 4 months I drunkenly kissed her very briefly (her friend walked in on us and we awkwardly broke away) in my room at a house party i threw...then nothing, what happened was never brought up and it was like it never happened.
Normal enough yes, for sure. The problem is that the tentative glances and feeling of tension around each other didn't change. So for the next few months we continued as a friends, going out partying etc, but nothing happening between us, other than a noticable increase in her wanting to hug me randomly, both under influence of alcohol and not, and a continuation of the little glances, eye contact etc.
Then the next incident occurs, new years eve 2009, we had a party in her house, a lot of people there, and i had a LOT to drink, anyway last thing I remember was the countdown to new year, I soon passed out alone in R's room while the party continued around me and then I woke up, in R's bed, spooning her and her holding my hand and when I squeezed her hand to see if she was awake, she squeezed and rubbed back, telling me she was so f***ed (as in, drunk), and kinda wriggled herself in tighter to me. I was incredibly confused as to how I had got into this situation and what had happened between us (if anything) in the couple of hours prior to me regaining consciousness. We were more or less fully clothed, so I know nothing too major happened, but I have no idea what led to this situation. To this day I remember nothing. Of course moments after the hand squeezing and feet fiddling that night we fell asleep spooning, nothing else happend, and in the morning it wasn't spoken about, as when i woke up she was already awake and sat in the living room with her other 5 housemates, everyone discussing the night's party antics and such, so we never got a chance to talk about what went on between us and I didn't have the guts to ask about it in the preceding days/occasions we met.
So nothing changes and here we are now almost a year later, with numerous "nearly" moments when we are drunk, (I ended up sleeping in her bed again with her a few months after new year incident, again when drinking, and I am almost certain she wanted something to happen but for whatever reason I didn't try to initiate something. I suck so badly. I know she doesn't let other guys do things like sleep in her bed, including close male friends, so surely it was a sign? Why else would she let me sleep with her and want to cuddle and hug. I even caught her stroking my hair one time as I was semi asleep on her couch with a hangover after another party. So often I have thought to myself "I think she actually does like me" but I am too afraid to ruin the friendship and make things awkward among a large group of friends.
Of course, me being me, I don't act on my instincts and now we are living together (all of us are really good friends prior to moving in as a group) and I am basically completely in love with her, and anytime I know she has kissed a guy or whatever it is a stab in the heart. See this is the thing, when she gets drunk now and we are all out as a big group, sometimes she will kiss some random guy, knowing that I can see or whatever, but she is usually really smashed when it happens, and she is absolutely mortified when she tells me the next day, she clams up and acts really embarrassed at herself.
I really don't know if there is anything there or if there was once but now its gone or maybe there never was at all, but I am happy for any and all viewpoints to help me come to my own conclusions.
Half of my friendship group knows that I really like R, but the other half, a lot of whom I got to know at same time as R have no idea about my feelings, including my other 2 flatmates who are pretty much her best friends in the world. I feel that I cant tell them, even though I am pretty sure one of them has a good idea about how I feel about R, it never gets spoken about. I am completely hung up on her, and now when my housemates joke about me really needing to hook up with someone its been too long, I so want to say why I haven't been with anyone in a long time, but I can't. The half of my friends who do know I like her, are almost all unanimous in saying that I should just do something and find out, as they felt that they "saw" something in all this too, that she seemed to like me back. Why am I such a fool? I have never been this confused about a girl situaiton in all my life and its been two years!!
Anyway this is way too long and probably a waste of your time and I appreciate anyone who wants to offer any advice or conclusions.

[devonbrown]

A few things to consider -

- Most of the things that happened between the two of you happened when you were both drunk. While drinking does lessen inhibitions, it also clouds judgment and acts as a depressive agent. Therefore, your drunken hookups could have been because she really wanted you, or that she just thought it would be fun, or that she was lonely and knew you wouldn't turn her away. In conclusion, not much can be derived from those hookup moments.
- Since she has never given you any hints while sober, I would take this to mean she is not that interested.
- Her being embarrassed telling you about kissing random guys sounds like she is embarrassed by her behavior in general, not because she is telling you. Plus, if she were interested, she probably would not be discussing her other random hookups.
- When she kisses someone else in front of you, it is most likely not to try to make you feel jealous or anything like that. Most people are too concerned about their own happiness to worry about things like that.

Basically, it sounds like she knew you were into her and was using you to maintain her self-esteem. The drinking was another excuse she could use if you ever got too "serious" about her. It would probably be best to look outside of your group of friends for potential dating partners. And stay open to meeting new people. You never know what is around the corner.

Good luck.

[lostinloveimo]

Thanks for your considered and well expressed reply Devon, and a lot of what you say makes sense. It's just that it's not like there are no signs when we are not drinking, she is just a lot less overt about it. The constant glances and eye contact when other people are talking or when we are watching a movie, tension often in the air, these small (possibly meaningless) elements remain as prominent as ever. Maybe I am clutching at straws, and I am pretty sure she knows I like her certainly more than your average friend, so I guess if she wanted something else to come of it she would have acted by now.
But then when I think about how she reacts when we are out and I am clearly trying to chat to some random girl she can get frosty with me and act a little strangely. I dunno it's so confusing. I sound like a 16yr old again haha never been this mixed up about a situation before. Think it's because I really like her. Ah well. Plenty more fish eh