What do you do when two people find their true best half, but life pulls them apart

[Nicholas_V]

Hello everyone, thanks for reading.

I am possibly not the best companion right now and my thinking is at best blurred. We broke up just a few hours ago after nearly 7 years (5 of them living together). I need to take this off my chest. I need to hear from you, I really do.

My story is an odd one - and at the same time common. I met the woman of my dreams. Compatible in all ways (and, yes, this is not an exaggeration). We met as students - we were both doing our PhD's - I was one year her senior at the department (I was 2nd year when she joined grad school, but I knew her from her Master's year. We hit it off from the beginning. A few months after we got together we moved in together - something that for both of us was unheard of, verging to insane. We lived happily together for 5 years, shared all the few things we had 24 hours a day (we both worked from home most of the time). We were student-poor, had our ups and downs, but we were always there for each other and we were a "team". Then she took a job with the diplomatic service. She had to take this post, because it was a condition to a funding contract she had signed a month or so after we had first met - so we both knew this moment would be coming at some point. When it came, I was in the middle of a post doc still in the same city, same everything and like most other people in the West was dealing with the effects of this bloody recession (both in terms of job market outlook and its effects on my savings). She got posted to Asia. She left on the 21st of December 2009. I took her to the airport. I still remember that day, every moment of it. Then we tried to keep up with each other her flying all over the Pacific, me trying to sort out my life here. We had a plan - her contract obligation was for 3 years. We would put up with it and then she would return or I would join her, whatever made more sense. It didn't matter what we did, where we were. We would be together. We believed in that plan, it kept us hoping. But when you can't see someone for nearly a year, it takes its toll. And here is when the real story begins...

The first year was relatively smooth. Yes, she was stressed and I was depressed. I was getting one job interview rejection after another, I was running out of postdoc funding and had no idea what would happen to me next career wise. I knew, however, that I had her. She was my world. Then things took a bitter turn. Got harder talking on skype. She is working very long hours and so do I. We reached a point that it was physically impossible to keep up a meaningful communication on a daily basis with each other. We used email, msn, you name it. We really tried. She gave up first.

December 2010 we had planned for her to come over, celebrate Christmas together. I had also just received an offer for an Assistant Professorship from a top-10 university. Things finally were looking up - I was about to have steady income, doing a job I loved and had worked very hard for - and we had something to plan on, to celebrate, make dreams for the future. Together.

But she never came - last moment she got an assignment to the US. She told me that she couldn't bear it anymore. She wanted closure. I understood her, because I felt the same. But I couldn't turn page. I told her that I would like us to give it one more shot, that I just couldn't let go. I told her that now that I have a permanent job I will be able to fly to wherever she is at least twice a year. And she would come when she could and time would pass. She agreed. We continued for a while like this - but we both knew what was coming. I suppose we were trying to summon the courage to deal with the inevitable. Today we were supposed to plan her visit here for the end of this month. She told me that it was not going to happen - I half expected it. But it hit me like a bus - that was it. I know that she does not feel much better than me right now - and I understand what got us here. And I know there was nothing we could have done to change the outcome. Does it make it any better? No. It actually makes it worse!

I am 34 and she is 30 - and she is the best, kindest person I have met in my life. A rare breed. I am lucky I had her in my life and, although I know we have to accept defeat, I just can't let go. It feels wrong in every possible way. She was not the first woman I was in a relationship with - but she was the ONE, I know she was. And I know that I was special to her in more ways than one.

We talked nearly two hours this afternoon. She told me, "I can't go on like this". "I cannot stay committed to you and I will not cheat on you. I love you, but the flame I had for you is gone. I cannot see us anymore having a family together. I need to be able to meet new people and the only way I can do this in good conscience is if I let you go". So there you go. Two people perfectly compatible with each other, who love each other, are both miserable right now (at least this one is - but I am quite sure she is not much better herself).

I am old enough to know that life is mostly a random process and that it has its good and bad moments. But this... this is a real shame. How can I move on. I know I have to, just as I know I can't. She was my muse, best friend, perfect lover my better half. And she still is. How can I let all this go.

So the conversation ended today with her offering us a choice. She said, she wants us to stay in touch just as we were before (the alternative was to cut off all communication). But, if we did stay in touch, she would not be committed to me anymore - she said quite clearly that "I will be open to meeting new people from now on and so should you". Obviously anyone in his right mind would refuse that offer. You can't have it all, plus there is no point in prolonging the misery for either of us. But I just I am not ready to delete her from my life - right now I don't know if I will ever be. She is family to me. Blimey - damned if you do, damned if you don't. That's how I feel right now.

So there you have it kind strangers. That's our story. I find myself right now in a new job, new city, new home, away from my/our friends. It's supposed to make you feel better, new beginning and all - it actually doesn't. Right now, I can't imagine tomorrow. I don't know how to deal with this. I am stuck!

In an impulse, right before I wrote this I went to match.com and I opened an account. Right after doing it I felt sick. I just couldn't bear the thought that I was doing this. It was pointless, meaningless, empty.

So here you have it. Thank you for reading and sorry for being so darn depressing!

[smackie9]

It's time to move on, but you need to grieve your loss for awhile before you make that step to dating again. Love can be lost, but it can be found again. You really have to give yourself time to adjust.....sadness, anger, grief, and then release. After the second week the waves of pain will subside. After about a month, you will feel much better, like a weight lifted of your shoulders. Seek out some comfort by talking to a close friend or a family member. You can even start a blog or write a journal, and write down your thoughts and feelings. Keeping busy with work or doing activities, to stop you from sitting there thinking about your loss. I assure you, you will get through this.....time heals all wounds.

[Nicholas_V]

Thanks smackie - it's all very sensible what you write, but right now I cannot see things the same way. I fell in and out of love several times before - but never felt that way. I actually want to call her right now, try to persuade her to change her mind. The thought of jumping on a plane and going to find her - even if it was for just having a chat and saying goodbye properly- keeps coming to mind. But I know that if things did not work out (which is the most likely outcome given the circumstances) the return back would be a nightmare and would leave me even more devastated than I currently am.

Boy... Am I really 34!? I probably sound like a teenager right now...

[MaidenMinx]

Right now I am want to yell at the computer "GO!! JUMP ON A PLANE!! SWEEP HER OFF HER FEET!!!" but well you won't hear that.
I personally think you should fight for her. I don't understand why you couldn't arrange things so you could be together when the trouble started happening. Distance doesn't work in my experience. If you want her go to her.
(sorry, I can be a hopeless romantic at times)

[Nicholas_V]

Thanks MaidenMinx - I wish I had realised sooner that trouble was coming. I would probably had done just that. But the December 2010 crisis came out of the blue. Totally unexpected. Day before we were talking on the phone, me being excited about my job offer her being even more excited. We were making plans for goodness shake for her to come over and help with the move - see the new apartment with me and tell me how she likes it. I was more likely to believe that the donkeys can fly than that she would initiate a breakup the day after...

Well, I don't think I can really say with any level of certainty when she started seeing things differently the first time. But she must have been thinking about it for some time because it wasn't an easy thing for her either. As far as I could tell up to December things were fine - and was waiting for having a regular salary from Jan to start planning my regular visits to her.

And on the " jumping on a plane" now: I am seriously thinking about it...

[MaidenMinx]

(before I start I would like to reiterate that I am a hopeless romantic and this may not be the wisest advice. It is what I would do were I in your shoes though.)

DON'T THINK! DO!!! Book a ticket, Go!!!! It appears to me too much thinking and being rational and too little passion and spontaneity have gotten you where you are now. Prove to her that you love her. Do something out of the blue. Sweep her off her feet again!! Re-ignite that spark! Prove your love is worth fighting for!!!

[Nicholas_V]

We talked on the phone. I told her that I am very tempted to come over (I had to let her know, because otherwise there was a very high risk of me going there and her being in a different country, continent or planet for all I know. She is actually going to Montana 11th to 21st of May where she will be having rounds of meetings early moring to late night (which is actually her typical routine when she is touring). I offered to go when this is over. She mentioned something like "aren't we fighting a lost battle?" - in all honesty, I think we do and I think I will be come back in a million pieces after this. But I just can't not to give it a try...

[vashti]

Don't go see her. If you love her, respect her decision. She is still a young enough woman that she can find another man to make a family with (I assume this is her eventual goal, since that is the case for MOST people), and she has a right to be involved with someone who is present in the flesh. Even seeing her a couple of times a year isn't going to be enough. Women need to be loved and touched. This is NOT a romance movie - it's her life. Her eggs have a shelf life, you know. She can't wait around forever, and neither should you. Don't waste any more of her time.

[Nicholas_V]

I appreciate the logic in your argument. However, the main reason that led us to this situation is her job - which has an expiry date (another year and a half). I am more than ready to settle down with her. Of course, your arguments makes even more sense if she has decided that she wants to continue on this career path which takes her to a different continent every week. Then yes, there is nothing that can be done. She says she doesn't but then again I can't know for certain.

Now I am even more confused... Can't even trust my own judgement - and that's what I sell for a living!

[DarkHelmet82]

They say once the attraction dips below 50% you cant get it back... only you can answer that question... But I agree.. if you think shes worth fighting for I wouldnt give up.

[IndiReloaded]

You need to move on. At least for now. It is wonderful you had such a lovely relationship but right now, with the distance, you are creating a fantasy and putting her on a pedestal.

The fact you got so attached tells me you have a good character and a lot of empathy. Which means you can have this kind of relationship with another person. If you choose; and it IS a choice. Many, many decent people would make compatible partners. Life and other commitments can and often does get in the way of relationships as happened to you. Learning to love and let go is part of becoming a mature adult. There is no such thing as 'the one', btw. There are, however, people who become obsessive about another person. This is not healthy. It usually means they are lacking something in their own life and looking for that other person to fill a void.

Be thankful for what was, grow from the experience and stay positive about the future.