Is this sufficient grounds for ending dating?

[Schala]

So I've been dating this guy for over a month. He's great in all departments (the only issue really is that he's very sexual and I'm not - 20 year old virgin actually! and I'm feeling pressure to do it. but that is another thread for another time!). We have great conversation, great fun, great chemistry. He REALLY likes me (maybe too much? It's stressing me out!) but I do not get emotionally invested so that's an issue too. In fact I hardly ever date and when I do I prefer to see the person few and far between since I love being alone so much.

Anyways something today really shocked me and instead of blowing up, which is what I usually do, I withdrew and stayed silent the whole time we were out and now I'm seriously rethinking things. Like I said I'm not emotionally invested so it wouldn't be a big deal to me to stop dating the guy, but I'm not sure if I would be overreacting and I don't want to deny myself happiness if this is just a bump in the road.

Ok this is what happened: My ladyfriend is helping me move to my new place tomorrow which is just five minutes away from where I'm at now. I wanted to bring 3 of my boxes to the place today just so I could fit the rest in as few trips as possible for her and I thought that since my guy (we'll call him Jay) is coming over and we are going near the place anyways it wouldn't be a big deal to ask if we could bring them to drop off. Well he gave a big sigh over the phone when I asked (even though I was sweet as pie ..."could you do me a big favor (it's NOT a big favor) and could we just move a few boxes to my place on the way to lunch?") and I said "uh, you don't have to...but I'll pay for lunch if you want (which is totally not necessary because its something I think he should just do for me anyways considering our relationship, and I thought he would not accept) but he said fine, and then I said "see, that's a pretty sweet deal for you after all" and he was just silent. So he came to my place, grumpy as hell, and brought 1/3 boxes for me out to the car (me: "is there room for 3 in the car?" him (with attitude): "I don't know, (my name), why don't you go open the trunk and look for yourself") When we drove off I asked him why he seemed mad and he said "I just didn't expect to be helping you move, today" and I was like "Dude it's just three boxes to my place 5 minutes away, and I'm buying you lunch, I don't understand why anyone would be grumpy about this. You're my friend, and I asked you a favor - you didn't have to accept" to which he said "I'll remember that for next time". SO THEN when we arrived at the place he didn't even help me bring my boxes out. We went for lunch where I barely talked the whole time I paid his 15 dollar meal without a word. He dropped me off, I said thanks for helping me move, and thats it.

He has never done anything like this before. He's always been a kind gentleman in fact, so I'm really surprised right now. It was ridiculous! I mean, if my ladyfriend offers to help me move for no charge because she knows that's what friends DO, surely the guy who I'm seeing would not have a problem with such a small favor no less accept a meal for it? But otherwise, he's great! And I'm not sure if this one instance reflects on his entire personality and if I should make such a decision based on it? I'm going to wait until if he sees the err of his ways and apologizes to me, otherwise I'll probably start our next conversation with "hey buddy, you know what?"

So what do you all think? Is this a good enough red flag? Should I stop dating the guy?

[lesa]

Yes it is a red flag. But, we don't know the reasons. He may have a medical condition that he has not told you of yet. It may be his real personality showing. He probably just did not feel like doing anything that day or felt controlled. If that is the case, I would just say, "that's okay..I'll get my ladyfriend. bye." and continue packing or doing something else. It's not a big deal for someone to not feel like doing something. I would be watching for more signs and not get emotionally invested. We all have bad days and we can only control how we handle the situation.

[tooxshort]

The guy sounds like a dickhead. You've only been dating less than two months and he's already showing signs of grumpiness? You guys should still be the "honeymoon" stage and to top that off, you guys haven't even slept together. If I liked a girl and I was aching to spend time with her (or get in her pants), I wouldn't mind helping her move some shit. A lot of guys will do a lot more while in pursuit ...

A normal person would do it for a friend ... and a normal person would usually do a little more for someone he/she is dating than a friend too! And he got a $15 meal? If I acted that way, I'd be lucky to get McDonald's ...

I think it's a definite red flag. You need to bring that situation up because it doesn't make sense for him to be so bitchy. As far as whether or not you should stop dating him, that's your call. Does he do other things better ... I feel it may be better to just end things quickly as these favor issues could become worse ... He might have hissy fits over even more stupid issues ...

[GrkScorp]

Sufficient grounds? No! Ask for summary judgment and that this case be dismissed

Here is what went on.., and it's very different from how YOU experienced the situation.., and you'll see for yourself why that is..

Let's imagine.., for a moment.., if you could do that.., that would be nice.., so.., let's imagine.., that you met this guy.., and you absolutely loved him.., so much so.., that you wanted to marry him.., but didn't want to pressure him into it.., but you know that he was financially ready.., that he was ready to be a great father and husband.., he had time in his life.., that he was definitely ready for marriage.., and at the same time.., you knew.., that there are women.., who get toyed with.., by men.., who never marry them.., and just have them do stuff for them.., until they dump them and find some other girl.., how would you feel?

How would you feel.., when it's been a year.., and this guy hasn't at least emotionally invested in you the same way you have in him? How would you feel.., when this guy told you.., come over and help me move some boxes.., and i'll also pay for your lunch.., well.., think about it.., really think about it.., how would you feel.., now.., try and take that.., and imagine.., if you can.., how you would feel.., after you got a little angry.., at him looking at you like you did something wrong.., and turning around to say.., "what's your problem? if you didn't want to come over and help me.., you didn't have to.., especially since i'm paying for your lunch.., I don't see what the big deal is.., I asked my FRIEND for help.., blah blah blah".., and that's what happens.., are you a FRIEND? or are you something more? And at this point.., you don't know.., at this point.., for all you know.., you're going to be one more statistic in the women who get toyed with.., and you don't want to be toyed with.., you don't want to be doing all these things for someone.., who in turn.., doesn't even feel the same way about you..

Therefore.., the question you want to ask yourself.., is why do you find it hard to allow yourself to emotionally invest.., now.., why do you feel the need to safeguard yourself and put this impenetrable wall around you? Does it make you feel more safe than it does alone? Does it make you feel more connected to him? Does it allow you to enjoy the chemistry you both have on a deeper level? Or has it been the reason that you never end up fully enjoying that with someone else? Has this wall been the reason you feel the need to have a wall in the first place?

Best,

GrkScorp

[Schala]

(I don't understand the above post)

Sorry, I forgot to mention that we were *already* going out to lunch, and that's why I only thought it would be a minor inconvenience that he drop by my place (which is practically on the way) so I could drop my boxes off. I wouldn't have asked him to come help me move boxes if we weren't doing anything else.

[GrkScorp]

(I don't understand the above post)

Well then.., either try and understand it (him).., or let him go and try finding someone which is ok with this aspect of you..

Best,

GrkScorp

[vashti]

(I don't understand the above post)

(That's okay; few of us do. Just smile and nod.)


If this is the first time you've seen him behave this way, it is possible he was just grouchy that day. On the other hand, maybe he is retaliating for you not having sex with him. I bet some guys feel like you only do nice things for people when they are f*cking them. Considering your very short dating history, I'd be very wary. I don't think it's a good omen that he would behave like such a baby.

[Mish]

He REALLY likes me (maybe too much? It's stressing me out!) but I do not get emotionally invested so that's an issue too. In fact I hardly ever date and when I do I prefer to see the person few and far between since I love being alone so much.

So what do you all think? Is this a good enough red flag? Should I stop dating the guy?

Sorry, I skiped over the other parts because I think above might be the source of the problem. His behaviour was horrible and you're right it would baffle anyone why someone would act like that especially over something so minor.

Unless, his behaviour is linked to the above.

Consider this from the point of view that he is really into you, but you don't really get emotionally invested in the relationship. You hardly ever date and when you do you prefer to see the person few and far between because you love your personal space and being alone so much. So here we have this guy who really wants to be with you and shower you with affection and you who doesn't want all that and prefers once in a blue moon date. Frustrating inconsistency on its own, right? So you call him up on this once in a blue moon date and guess what he hears, instead of spending this precious time together this dream time that he only gets so rarely you suddenly ask him to instead invest himself in some form of labour for you. Can you see where his iritability might be coming from?

I really don't want to defend his actions which were plain silly if you ask me, just to speculate why he might have acted the way he did.

[Cain]

I think he was probably just having a bad day, though he still shouldn't have acted that way.

Hell, just 3 weeks ago I spent 8 hours helping my girlfriend and her roommate move. No fuss.

[GrkScorp]

You have a situation.., where he is emotionally invested in you.., and yet.., he feels (and rightfully so).., that you are not emotionally invested in him.., and yet hold him up to certain expectations.., "my friend was willing to help.., I'd think that he would want to help even more!".., you're right.., he would.., if he also felt that he was helping someone who felt something for him..

You haven't emotionally invested in him.., you've held back and resisted.., but he hasn't.., he let his feelings for you grow without anything inhibiting them.., and now.., he's starting to see that what he feels for you.., isn't mutual.., and naturally.., you get EXACTLY THAT KIND OF REACTION!

So.., to you.., it might seem like.., "woah.., wtf was his problem? where did that come from? did I kill your family or something?".., but I was just trying to let you explore and see for yourself.., what it's like from HIS point of view.., to better understand his reaction..

Best,

GrkScorp

[lesa]

The guy sounds like a dickhead. You've only been dating less than two months and he's already showing signs of grumpiness? You guys should still be the "honeymoon" stage and to top that off, you guys haven't even slept together. If I liked a girl and I was aching to spend time with her (or get in her pants), I wouldn't mind helping her move some shit. A lot of guys will do a lot more while in pursuit ...

A normal person would do it for a friend ... and a normal person would usually do a little more for someone he/she is dating than a friend too! And he got a $15 meal? If I acted that way, I'd be lucky to get McDonald's ...

I think it's a definite red flag. You need to bring that situation up because it doesn't make sense for him to be so bitchy. As far as whether or not you should stop dating him, that's your call. Does he do other things better ... I feel it may be better to just end things quickly as these favor issues could become worse ... He might have hissy fits over even more stupid issues ...

Tooxshort, EVERYTHING that you said is what I really wanted to say . I was trying to give the dude the "benefit of the doubt" hehe.

[IndiReloaded]

Tooxshort, EVERYTHING that you said is what I really wanted to say . I was trying to give the dude the "benefit of the doubt" hehe.

Shorty gives great advice.

PS, the 'thanks' button for his post is in the lower right

[IndiReloaded]

(I don't understand the above post)

(That's okay; few of us do. Just smile and nod.)

This poster enjoys brevity, I like her already.

LOL, just try reading every 10th word for the first few lines of GS posts. Usually gives you a sense of whether its worth it to continue.

Your BF may have had a bad day. If he apologizes, let it go. But if it happens again, dump him for a moody jerk.

[Schala]

Wow thanks you guys, you all (ish) give great advice! I never thought about it from the side of being feeling used (although it was a simple matter of dropping boxes off close to where we were already going...and I did it anyways) because of my lack of emotions. But to be honest, I DO pretend very well, it's not like I am a cold fish! It's just very hard for me to become attached in the way where I never want to be without that person and think about him all the time!
I have thought about him being sexually frustrated with me, though, which I think I will elaborate on later. It's a definite possibility...is this something I should bring up?

[Mish]

Wow thanks you guys, you all (ish) give great advice! I never thought about it from the side of being feeling used (although it was a simple matter of dropping boxes off close to where we were already going...and I did it anyways)

The matter was quite simple and your request wasn't unusual at all. It's just, from what you said in the beginning of your post, he might have felt that you were intruding on your "together" time of which he gets very little of as it is. It sounds like he's a kind of a person who needs a lot of attention and more attention from you. Since you like him, why not make dates more frequent so you can satisfy that need?

(Ofcourse, I'm totaly speculating on this. His motivation could have been unrelated to the above.)