fell in love with another

[kake224]

I won't go into too much detail about my marriage except to say that we've been together for 10 yrs and have a 3 yr old girl. Ever since I had her I've struggled with depression. I'm on medication but the depression just gets worse probably due to my situation. Our marriage was perfect until we had her. I hate to say it but it's true. My husband has a terrible temper and when it was just us it never bothered me much. But now I can't stand to listen to him yell at her. And he's been a little too aggressive at times and I've threatened to leave if he doesn't do anger mgnt. He hasn't done that but he has been trying to be better with it. But I'm sure it's just temporary, it usually is. So first off I really am struggling with how I should deal with this? I don't know if I'm making too much of it or am I not doing enough?

Anyway we obviously have other problems other wise I never would've found myself looking at another man. It's a guy i work with and of course he's married too. Neither one of us would ever cheat. That I am certain of. But I know he's miserable in his marriage. He has kids too but he's been married 20 yrs. sigh.. and every time I try to stop thinking about him or try to focus on improving my marriage. It all goes out the window when I see him. We've been friends now for about a yr. And only recently have we really started to flirt with each other. We've both tried so hard to be good, but it's like we're addicted to each other. I crave his presence and recently realized that I love him.

I've been torchered by guilt. But I can't seem to help the way I feel. I've tried everything and don't know what else to do. I'm desperate and afraid to talk to my friends and family about it because I'm so ashamed. Oh and I'm pretty sure my husband knows. He's been acting very desperate lately and he asked me if there was someone else. All I could say was that I would never cheat on him. please help I'll take any advise at this point. thx

[MerryH]

Biggest problem is that your husband is a dickhead and you're letting him treat your daughter like shit. Another problem is that you've started fixating on another man who, let's face it, it would never work out with. This other guy is likely just a distraction from your own problems at home. Forget about this guy, worry about yourself and your daughter.

You've threatened to leave if your husband doesn't take anger management classes? And he hasn't? Leave. It's not going to get better. He's not doing everything he can to be a good husband and father, and it is directly effecting your child. If you don't leave, you're setting yourselves up for more of his shit. Don't let it happen anymore.

[Radarsonar]

If he's as nasty to your child as you infer he is then LEAVE, immediately! Not for yourself but for the sake of your kid. He won't change if you don't take measures.

Don't feel guilty. You haven't done anything wrong. Definitely don't start anything with the guy at work because it could never work out and you'll only cause more misery in the long term.

[Mish]

We've both tried so hard to be good, but it's like we're addicted to each other. I crave his presence and recently realized that I love him.

I understand why you feel this way kake. At home there is an angry husband yelling at your daughter, there are additional stresses outside of home and everything is turning out not the way you thought it would so many years ago. Staying in a long relationship on it's own, with a healthy partner can be a challenge, throw in a child and an unpredictable husband and it just become unberable. Is there any wonder you feel depressed? Throw in a perfect stranger, someone who can empathize with you because he's having similar problems of his own and no doubt feelings blossom. But don't forget that these are false clouds, like a calm before the storm, if you take these feelings any further then all kinds of nasty things will be hitting the fan. I understand, it's not easy to think about the future especially at a time like this, but what you put up with right now can yet be one hundred times worse if you continue to follow through.

So since you ask, my advice is don't take an easy way out. Sort the important things that need to be sorted first. Or don't sort them if it's too difficult and leave the relationship if it's too destructive, but don't rely on the path of the least ressitance, it's a false path which will lead you to ruin.

[Agape]

"But now I can't stand to listen to him yell at her. And he's been a little too aggressive at times and I've threatened to leave if he doesn't do anger mgnt."

What?! . . .you should leave him just for that, RIGHT NOW . . . a little girl growing up with parental abuse? if you don't get out of it for yourself, get out of it for her.

[kake224]

Thanks I really needed to hear that. It's been very difficult for me to get to this point even. I've been feeling better just for getting this off my chest. I don't feel lke my daughter is in any real danger otherise I would be gone. I think he's more verbally abusive then anything but the reality is I know it will eventually get worse not better especially if he's not willing to get help. It's been very hard because I know I do still care very much about him. And my daughter adores him, in fact she still has separation anxitey when he's gone. I think she's stuggling for his approval... already. So this seems to make leaving even harder. It's hard to convince myself that's its truley the best thing for her under all these circumstances. But this does help put things in perspective. Thanks!