Hearts Broken - Long... :(

[Tommy]

Hi, i'm new to the board but have troll'd fro quiet a while and figured i'd join and see the responses I may get. I'll start from the beginning of my story to let you destinguish why I feel like this.

I have been in a relationship with my now ex-girlfriend for 3 years (i'm 21.5 and she is 19.5). 2 Weeks ago (monday) is when everything happened.

It was a normal day, with me going to school (pre pharm D P.H.D) for about 12 hours a day, and she calls me mid day (this is her 3rd call just like normal, as she works 12 hour days) and tells me she loves me etc, and will talk to me later. I figured everything was just fine.... NOT.

So I don't here from here when she gets off work (9:00 or so). So i give it a hour or so and give her a ring to say hi... no answer. Wait another hour or so now around 11:20 and no answer again. This is not like her, so I start to worry she may not be okay and go over to her house. Well she's not there so I hang out there till she gets home around 12:45 A.m.

I roll my window down and say "hey" and she says "hi." I say comeere so I could see her and say whats up, so she walks over. I ask if she wants to get in and chill out for a bit and she tells me "no".

That's when the bomb fell, she tells me "I love you more than anything in the world, but I can't be with you anymore." Her attitude went from "I love you" to breaking up with me in like 6 hours.

Now here's why she said she didn't see any future as you can understand where she is coming from. I haven't had a job in about a year (I don't need one as i'm financially self reliant with money I have saved) and I was also not giving her the attention that she needed. We recently went to Hawaii together (10 days) and would go see movies/dinner etc and would hang out.

I also played an online game, which consumed much of my life (actually devestated it) and due to this, I was unable to finish my basement completely, or put my mustang back together after taking it apart (twin turbos etc). I just plain got lazy. I have gone to school non-stop, but I can see where she says I don't see a future.

Well, when she broke up with me, I was a wreck and said things I definately should not have said, and will never forgive myself (no name calling or anything) things along the line of "I should of broken up with you when you cheated on me" ETC.

To clarify - She cheated 2 years ago 1 time, and only kissed the guy, and we were having a rocky time as well, but I did forgive her.

Well, I did the no contact thing (did give her a boquet of roses and a card to apologize, and also a nice poem) with her for about 4 days then decided to go and try and talk with her to at least tell her that i'm sorry for my actions of late and what I said and that I still love her more than anything, I just wanted a chance.

She talked to me, was very nice, we hugged and she began to cry.. The hug lasted abour 5 mins+ and I never wanted it to end, with me just saying that I loved her. She told me that she loved me, but just needs time.

So I say that's fine, I love you and part ways. Well I got out of school early one day and decided i'd head to her work just to say hi. She comes out, is happy and we talk about 15 mins before she has to take off for her other job, I say I love you babe, she says "i love you too" and drives away.

Well I continue to beat myself for thinking of contacting her, and 2 days ago I go and drop tools of her dad let me borrow (not hoping to get to talk to her honestly) I left my truck running etc so I could just bail. Well her dad invites me in -- short of it my girl and I end up alone just talking and laughing, and hanging out for about 4-5 hours.

She says she's got to take a shower etc, so I take off and she tells me she'll call me later and maybe we'll do something (she asked if I was doing anything, not me asking her). So she calls, and ends up coming over about 3 hours after I left her house. We hang out, talk, I tickle her back etc, go get ice cream from Mickey D's. She falls asleep on the bed with me until her curfew time and heads home.

She calls me when she gets home, let's me know she's okay and all. I tell her I'll ring her tomorrow and she says "sure". I say I love you, she says it back.

Call her Sunday - good conversations - then I asked her since I was on the freeway from taking ym dad to the airport - If she wanted me to come over. She said she was going to go hang out with friends - I asked who - she said she didn't know she'd have to call around. Well I got a little annoyed but kept it to myself and stayed polite. Told her alrighty i'll let ya go then, just call me whenever. She says "will do" and hasn't called me since going on 3 days tomorrow.

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Background - Her family loves me 100% - and I love them - they treat me like their own, mom says she love's me and dad calls me his step son.

I've planned on marrying this girl and she planned on marrying me, and I believe it's a culmination of many things that caused the break up.

I'm going to continue the no contact until she calls me. I haven't emailed/called or anything since she last said she'd call me.

I figure if she wants to she can - i'm not forcing anything onto her, and I just want her to be happy. Ever since the first night she broke up with me i've been nothing but considerate etc, and haven't pulled some of the stupid shit i've read on here. I really want this girl back for the rest of my life and won't do anything to jeapordize the possibilty.

She told me she justs needs some time, and a couple days ago she told me that her friend said to her "I have a guy I can hook you up with" and my girl says to her "I didn't break up with Tom to get with other guys." Obviously reassuring for me. My take is that she just wants space and wants to see if I truely mean what i've said about getting my life back on track, as it is very ascew.

I figure time will tell, but what do you guys/gals think about the situation. Anything I could of done different/better or should do?

I guess I just need some encouragement right now, as this is truely the most painful thing i've ever had happen. I love her more than anything, but just want her to be happy.

Thanks - Thomas

[Asip4u]

Thomas, welcome to LF...From what i read, you guys seem really happy together..Also, i think you did a really good job being there for her and there was really nothing else you could have done IMO. I think you should pretty much follow your own advice, it makes a lot of sense and i really hope things work out with you two.

[whaywardj]

Wow. Asip actually read the whole thing.

[Asip4u]

lol, whaywardj!...yea it might seem long but it's actually not...the spacing and short paragraphs make it easy to read

[Tone]

I read it as well Tom, and a few things. First off, great job so far. Just continue doing what you're doing, don't do ANYTHING to make her feel upset or uncomfortable, as in don't shoot her a thousands questions about when you are going to get back together... she initiated it, she knows it's on her to say when she's comfortable coming back. So just keep doing what you're doing, being cool and being there for her. Keep having fun.

I really want this girl back for the rest of my life and won't do anything to jeapordize the possibilty.

Then you HAVE to stop playing that online video game.. those things are addicting, get out now while you have the chance. Is a VIDEO GAME worth losing your girl? Exactly, so quit that. Although I just reread and you said "played" so hopefully you have quit already~

Anyways man I think you're doing things perfectly. Continue to be the laid back guy with her, and don't pressure her about you 2 getting back together, don't even mention it, wait for her.. it will happen. Continue showing her the attention she deserves and ALWAYS keep in mind how lucky you are to have someone like this in your life. A lot of people would love to be in your shoes, so don't blow it. ;)

But yeah you're doing great man, please keep us updated, and best of luck with everything. She sounds like a great girl and you sound like a great guy.

[Tommy]

The night the bomb dropped was the night I threw that POS Game into the trash/canceled my account and vowed to never play another online game again, and I won't. You're VERY right about how addictive they are, they are badddd news just like drugs.

Still no word from her, but I will just keep myself busy and do what I need to. I was bad today and didn't goto Business/Math but for some reason I could not sleep for the life of me last night.

Off to write my physics paper... Maybe she'll call today, maybe she won't. Just have to wait and see. Thanks for the responses so far, it really does help aside from what some people may think.

Edit: I should continue the no contact until she decides to call me right? I just wanna do it right, but if the consensus is that I should try and get the ball rolling I will, but everything I've read is just give it time, so that's what i'm gonna do until I hear otherwise....

[whaywardj]

Yeah. Addictive. Kinda like Love Forum, huh?

[Tone]

Yeah man just give it time... and give her space! Don't get too anxious and just try to contain yourself and your emotions for the time being while you guys are on this little seperation. The worse thing you can do is be an annoyance to her right now.. I think it's okay for you to call her but just do NOT overdo it and be sure you have a reason for calling.

But yeah otherwise I would try to do no contact as much as possible, just to show her you respect her decision to do what's best for her. Plus the more you are away from her the more she has to miss you and soon she'll realize where she wants to be. Just give it time bro. I really like the way you've handled it so far though, can't give you enough credit.

Please keep us updated.

[Only-virgins]

I thought people abssesively play games because they DONT have a GF and not when they have one?

[Tommy]

Well as I said before I was just going to school (college of course) full time and not working. All my real life friends play the game and she was the one who even bought it for me. They are addictive, I don't care what anyone says and yes I will kick myself till the day I die for letting a fantasy control my life for that period of time. It was one of the main reasons our relationship deteriorated, and she was the one who even bought it.... Kind of ironic... since I said I didn't even want it, but she didn't know what to get me for my birthday sooooo ya.

Basically all I do now since I don't have a girlfriend going on 3 weeks is school/homework/gym/construction/gym/gym and more gym and maybe some more homework.

All I want to do is be with her and it took all my energy last night to continue the no contact, but alas I have not emailed/called/pm'd or anything since she told me on sunday that she'd call me.... So as I wait patiently we'll see how it goes I guess.

I figure if I don't hear from her by July 3rd i'll call her and wish her a happy 4th and also it's our first date anniversary that we ever had sooooo ya I got meh an exscuse

[Tommy]

I wrote my girlfriend a letter letting her know I still want her, and love her etc although not sounding like a total weakling - but also that I just want to give her space. Kind of a reassurance to her that i'm not moving on just yet and we may still be able to iron this out.... Should I give it to her? Call her or what? I'm having trouble keeping the NC and it's going on 5 days now without anything. Advice?

[Tone]

No don't do that!

Hmm Hmm Hmm... you're giving her space which I'm sure she's liking and you're not pressuring her which I know she's loving... so don't change that with the letter.. just keep being cool would be MY advice. But you know your girl best... I would even say, since your situation is different than most breakups, maybe give her a call and ask her what she's doing for 4th, etc... ask her how she's been doing, maybe ask her if she has any plans this weekend and you can take her out?

Yeah I'd try to take her out this weekend and just be real chill on the date. Don't bring up "us" and just show her why she should be with you.

GOOD LUCK

[Tommy]

Blehhhhhh..... No contact was going fine until I tried to call her and her phone wasn't in service... Went into oh shit mode and went over to her house this morning to see what was up. Turns out she just forgot to pay her bill, BUT we did get into a conversation about us of course! Basically came down to me saying that I love her and want to give her space etc, but I did ask her to hang out. She said she'll call me when her phone gets turned back on today.

She said she's having a really rough time right now with the break up, she has lost lots of weight, sleep, etc and trying to keep herself busy I guess. The question came up about her loving me like she did before and at first she said no, then I don't know. It would seem that if she loved me any less she would not be having a hard time with this, I think she's just trying to figure out what she wants, I just hope breaking the no contact today didn't screw it up.

I asked her if she wanted me to take my stuff so shes not reminded of me and she said no. Maybe it's a good sign? Maybe it's not?

Well, hopefully when her phone is on, she calls and we can maybe go out tonight, guess i'll see, although i'm supposed to go to vegas with friends, i'd really rather try and work things out with her. And yes, show her why she should be with me.

P.S. One reason I don't think her love has changed for me, is because when we are together it's like normal. She crys when it comes to brass tax whether w ewill be together or not. She just seems really confused and maybe her emotions are all whack? She also started 2 new jobs recently and bills were piling up etc.

Seems to be a culmination of stress's ahve finally gotten to her. She went to a club last night, first time and said it sucked. She also went to a frat party (again first time) the other night and said it sucked.

I'm just sooo confused and hurt, sad, mad, depressed etc etc etc etc.... I really REALLY hope this works out, I'll ask this girl to marry me if it does.

She said she never knows what the future may hold and I keep hoping it's me with her.....

[artyemi]

Yea, but I think she's looking around for other options, not to hurt you Tommy.

She's trying her very best to get over you.

Any break up is hard on both party.

[Tone]

Tommy I just went back and reread all the posts in this thread to try to think of what the best advice to give you, from an outsiders perspective. I think you need to make yourself not so easily available to her... if she knows you're going to always be there for her, that's going to always be in the back of her head.. I would let her know you love her and want to be with her, but be sure she does not take advantage of that, make her see that if she waits too long SHE'S going to miss out on YOU. Basically by getting on with your life... also it seems she was concerned about your future... now that you're not playing the online game is there any chance of you getting a part-time job? She's struggling from the sounds of it (late bills, working 2 jobs) meanwhile you're just sitting around.. (yeah you go to school, but is it possible you can get a part-time job to show her you're ready to be more responsible?) Just do not focus so much of yourself onto her that you start to suffer in other areas of your life. That was a huge concern of hers and you have to prove to her that she has a future with you, both emotionally and financially. Show her you have initiative to get out there and provide for yourself (by not sucking out all your savings)

It's a REAL delicate situation man... and I will admit that a lot of the things you are thinking and doing remind me sooooooo much of what I would do in your situation (and have done) and that's what makes me throw up the red flag.. as much as I hate to say it start thinkin about moving on. If you start to move on with your life and she sees that she might panic and realize that it's now or never for you guys. It's hard to say really.

And from your first post, she said she needed time... what you have to do is make sure you don't panic when she doesn't call, like you kinda did... and give her JUST that... time and space. As hard as it is to fight when every single part of your body is telling you to be with her and to call her and just to see her, you HAVE to fight that urge and think of what's best for the future... this situation is so delicate you don't want to be the one to ruin it... I know it's scary cause on one end you're like, well if I give her too much space will she think I don't care and declare it as over? Or will she realize, during her time off, how much she misses me and loves me? The bottom line is, only she can decide. You cannot make that decision for her, if she loves you and wants to be with you, she will. You cannot decide the outcome to that, but you CAN affect the outcome of her deciding to forget the relationship altogether. If she doesn't want to be with you - then she doesn't. Have to face the facts and move on... but at least be sure that if the latter happens it's not because you turned into a smothering / border-line obsessive type guy who didn't give her what she asked for - time.

Again best of luck dude, I really really really really hope that she comes back to you.. do you have AIM or MSN or Yahoo or any kind of messenger? If not - just keep on updating us here bro.