Been 1 year, stuff going on between ex, and I need advice!!

[stonesnbones]

Its been almost a year since we broke up.

The first few months, she found it difficult to cope with it. Then sometime near the beginning of last quarter of last year, she found someone new.

She is still with this person. She still emails me and IMs me every few days. And a times when I don’t contact her for a few days or up to a week, she would pipe in an email or IM saying how glad she is that I’m still alive.

For the past few months, she has been trying to get her current boyfriend to move in with her. Yet she still emails me and IM’s me asking how I’m doing, if I’ve found another girlfriend, or whatnot. At times she would tell me to move on, then occasionally pipes in she misses me, and ask me to write her back.

Is she confused or something, because its been well over a year and she still does this to me, even though she has clearly given me evidence that she has a boyfriend that she wants to live together with. She said this new boyfriend is a lot like me, she thinks she loves him, and that her relationship is going so-so (Real words she uses to describe her relationship). THis was from an IM this past Sunday 5/14/05, and she even said she really wanted to visit me, but because of work doesnt have time.

I still feel strongly towards her because of this for the past year, and it confuses me because of the things she does or what she says. It almost goes against normal breakup behavior I’ve seen or read about in forums, articles, websites, etc.

So, I really would like all your input if you know what’s going through her mind, and what I should really be doing about this.

Thanks!

stonesnbones

[durkapea]

That's just bizarre. She really cares for you I think. She sounds like she can't let herself go with this other person. She is using him to get over you. I may be completely off the mark though - who broke up with who here? If you're the one who left her or at least initiated it, then you should give her the 'no contact' rule. I think this would really help you get over her and eventually see other people. Or - just openly talk to her and ask her what her true intentions are.

[COAD]

My Explanation for a matter like this....

Obviously she still wants to be friends, thats how girls are. I know I couldnt take being friends with a girl i broke up with, but girls are different - they like to be friends with Ex's

[stonesnbones]

She was the one that initiated the break up. We were together for 5 years and lived together for 2 years. She moved out of my house when she did it. The only reason she gave me was that the spark was lost. Thats for a nother story though...

Ive read alot of forums, websites, etc on how to cope with breakups and I know the know the no contact rule very well. Unfortunately, it talks about people that will probably act a certain way after a break up, but as I said she doesnt seem to act like that at all, so it makes me wonder how I should approach this...

[COAD]

How to aproach this?
You could start by talking to her

[stonesnbones]

I had talked to her about this, and she has cited some things that she said made the spark go away. However, heres the real kicker, she HATES long conversations, which literally throws conversations about our relationship, and stuff out the window. I would start something then out of the blue, she would change the subject to avoid it. Then pin me to say Im lecturing her when Im trying to have a decent conversation to find a solution to a problem.

If she would actually start talking about it with me, this probably would never have happened. It seems she wants someone that does not require any type of change on their part, or hers. Sorry to say I think all relationships require change or another.

So, yes, I have talked to her, and she still likes to send me emails, IM’s and text messages. I just need to know what I really should do about this...

[mystee]

What do you ideally want to come out of this situation? It sounds like she still cares about you a lot, but probably as a friend. Since you were together for so long, you probably know her in a way that even her new bf doesn't. She wants to talk to someone that will be supportive of her.

What I can't figure out is how you feel. Is it making it impossible to get over her because you are still talking to her? if that is the case, you may need to take some time away from her...

[Tone]

I was in a similair situation. I was with a girl for 3 years and she broke up with me, met someone new yet called me every single day and still told me she loved me, etc. They want to have their cake and eat it too. What I wish I had done was blow her off, let her know that as long as she's with him she can't have me. But I didn't, I let her string me along the whole way. Now she's married to him and pregnant with his child.

A quote to think about which I believe is VERY true is "You always want what you can't have" If you're always going to be there for her then she'll always know in the back of her mind she has a fallback plan if her current situation doesn't work out. Stop contact with her, let her know if she's not interested in long conversations then you have nothing to talk to her about, cause she's messing with your emotions and you want to settle things with her, but she doesn't want to talk, so give her the cold shoulder. Make yourself unavailable to her and if she has feelings for you, she'll try even harder to stay in contact with you.

Good luck, hope you can learn from my mistake

[stonesnbones]

There are times when I dont see an email, IM or text message from her.

When she emails me, sometimes I email her back with minimal writing. If I dont answer her email, she sometimes emails me wondering where I am or how Im doing.

In terms of IMing, She is the one that says "Hi", I dont initiate it. THen we talk about basically stuff going on in our lives, work and things like that, but there will be times (like last week) where she started spouting off about her relationship with her other BF (See beginning of thread).

Text message is the same thing. I dont initiate it but keep the sending back to a minimum.

It is a constant battle trying to not contact her. There are times I feel nothing of it, but there are also times that I get that gut churning feeling when she does. THis has been going on for a year now and it apparently has not stopped.

At times I wonder why she tells me about her relationship with her BF. I kinda wonder if she knows the "rules" of breaking up. Does she want me to get mad at her? Is she hinting for me to do something to win her back (particularly since just recently she said her relationship with her BF is so-so, and shes been trying for months to get her BF to move in with her)?

[artyemi]

Tone and Mystee has brought out some great points.
I think she's telling you about her relationship because she's comfortable sharing these information with you. You were together for so long that she probably feels like she can talk to you about anything. At the same time, she is also taking advantage of you too because she knows you'll be there to answer her calls, text, ims anytime she calls you.

[stonesnbones]

Well, I got an email from her tonite, says she has the day off tomorrow, her BF is supposed to move in with her. Of course shes been trying for months to get him to move in with her..

She still wants me to write to her telling whats going on in my life. And I dont know what I should say, or even say anything at all. Could have continued on not knowing about that little bit of information on her BF, it upsets me.

I feel like I cant really be friends with her because when we met we kinda hit it off almost immediately. Maybe she does want to keep in contact because incase this doesnt work out she will want to get back with me. I have never seen anyone contact me so frequently after a breakup, and be really open on her next relationship.

Any ideas would be helpful...cant think straight at the moment.

[ALovelyLady86]

Oh my gosh people...
There is no such thing as being friends with your ex... she is NOT contacting you because she wants to be friends... she wants you because she cant have you.. thats all it is...
Trust me I'd know I'm in the EXACT same situation right now with my ex... turn your situation around and thats me lol....
I'm calling Chris and hes calling me because we miss each other! And youre contacting her back because you miss her too dont ya? come on... admit it... you miss her.
Leave your girlfriend... youll hurt her feelings.
Either that or knock off all ties with your ex... But you cant cheat on your girlfriend and there is temptation you know..

[stonesnbones]

Yes, LovelyLady86, I do still miss her and love her dearly. I have not seen her for months now, so we really dont have any physical contact going. Just IMs, emails and text messages, she hasn't called me in about 10 months (She stopped because her current BF saw her phone bill and was mad she still calls me. Her BF has asked for her to stop contacting me, but she still does it till now.)

You may be right, about Exes cant be friends. I think doing it would only push her away all the more, and I think the past year that has happened, because for months shes asked her new BF to move in with her. Guess its my fault for continuing it. Situation may be different had I left her alone right after we broke up.

She works almost all hours of the day, has no time whatsoever, and shes even telling me shes lagging in life and simple stuff like paying bills cause she has no time. Wants to look for a new job, but has no time. Then her BF is moving in with her, not her moving in with her BF. To me smells like an disaster ready to happen. Im getting from that email she wants some sympathy/reassurance from me of some sort by writing back...

Me contacting her must have made her think that I would be there if this went downhill, so shes still going on with it and possibly made her lose sight of what really may happen (then again maybe not, but possibly). Maybe by showing I may not be there for her would make her realize whats really going on, but at the same time, I really want to help her. Help me...Erggg.....

SHould I email her back? Should I not? Should I email her back she has to figure all that stuff herself? Should I give her a last email about how I feel and the no contact?

[ghenzmitz]

RELATIONSHIP REALLY SUCKS...

ey.....go home and make some cake.........just forget her...that if you don't want yourself to get hurt again.....things will go back to same ways as hurts.......because things are really stupid.......like mine...we have the same situation...but more or less...mine is worse....JUST OBEY NO CONTACT RULE....................RULE NO.1 "THERE ARE NO RULES"

[stonesnbones]

THe more replies I get about the no contact, the more I get confident it is the way to go.

I guess its true that if you really loved the person, you would let her go, and if she feels that you might have been the one, then she would comeback someday....

During the year I was contacting her, she found someone new, is already asking him to move in with her when her life involves working so much and not being able to catch up on lifes little nuances like paying bills. Trying to find a new job in this mess may make it worse. I think me being there to talk to her gives her some reassurance that if it doesnt work, Ill be here, and because of that, shes going ahead with everything she wanted to do because she knows Im there.

Guess its time for me to go into mourning....Still feel pretty bad of not letting her know, although I did kinda mention its time I moved on and told her to have a wonderful life. Is it alright to start a no contact rule with an ending like "If things go wrong, and you may want to get back together, you know where to find me, and we'll see what happens, if it ever comes"?