Hey everyone, here is some background on my problem which is like a pain that I carry around with me that cannot be gotten rid of! I have known this girl since 2003 and liked her from the very start and after asking for her number through a friend I knew we swapped email and msn contacts online to chat which is my only means to contact her these days. I met up with her in 2004 and we spent a weekend together doing stuff like going out and shopping etc, we did sleep together although that maybe have been a little too soon.
The reason why I waited until that time was that she was seeing someone during the 03 - 04 periods, a guy who was almost obsessed with her and would not leave her alone. When my chance came I did take it and we did have chemistry... we even had nicknames for each other. When I left at the end of that weekend she looked sad that I was going.... I expected a relationship to follow and thought that I had found someone that I really did like (this never happens with me) and that she clearly felt similar.... but everything went quiet. Then... weeks later she contacted me and I spent a night with her just giving her a cuddle.... the news was that she had become pregnant by her ex (the guy she was seeing before).. I just hugged her and made sure she was okay that night.
I at that time felt like my heart had been ripped out as you would expect and well.... I tried to be friends but things were awkward... and well I may have been a little immature about matters looking back but we were both young. Eventually we had a row... she gave her ex another chance (for baby’s sake) and our chance was gone... I was hurt and eventually we had a row in which I was a little nasty to her and stopped talking. Three years passed... contact was lost but there was always this tiny bit about her at the back of my mind... it was kind of unfinished business. Then one day I started to receive messages from her again via windows messenger (I had deleted but not blocked her contact and forgotten all about it) - I was at work and a bit shocked especially at what she was saying to me.... She had seen a picture of me and my current girlfriend online and reacted to it blurting out about why am I so great etc.... I was shocked at what I was reading.... eventually she claimed down and we started to chat again and it turned out that she has seen me in a bar with another girl only a short time ago... I had missed her.
It was never fully as before though... we used to be able to tell each other anything and it was never that open again but we chatted for months and even the nickname she gave me returned on occasion - she was still shy and I think a little conscious about her appearance as she had put weight on due to the baby which I was shown in pics but I would not have cared. Obviously she had now split from her ex many years ago and for 50% of this time last year we chatted she was single. We had a minor argument that was a bit of an overreaction by her in truth last Xmas and well... again we didn't speak until now that is. I don’t blame myself for this... she was a bit of a bitch and well it was over nothing really. Anyway she isn't online much these days at all.... it is never best to chase her as I have learnt over the years... she will run away and it always seems best to her come to you.
I have no problem finding a girlfriend and I am a decent looking young man with prospects with plenty of girls that want to meet me and I have had girlfriends over the years including some long relationships (one 5 years just before I knew this girl) and well I don't usually have a problem with love – I have been dumped once in my life. This girl is different though... I have never met anyone that can make me feel that crazy just by looking at her.... I have never liked anyone so quickly or felt that I would do anything for them... no one has made me feel that way before and it would be easier if I knew she had never liked me or that she didn't carry a small candle for me as well. The truth is we are different... I think she believes that I am decent or different from the men she is used to and I guess she may have a point... I would never cheat and I have a good job and have just bought a house and try the best I can at everything where as she now lives in a council area.... but I just don't care.
We are different like cats and dogs and some of the things she has done in the past would show that she can and is quite bitchy. Her being jealous over a picture of me and my girlfriend of that particular time shows she still cares... as does other comments and we only spoke recently but she has slimmed down and just doesn't come on here much anymore while I have it on at work each day - this is my only way of contacting her. It almost seems like she just wants me there as of when she wants me... when she feels ready - It's hard to explain but that is just how it is and how it feels with her. She is very shy even now she has lost weight.... I would imagine that although she is now single it will not be for long.
So that is it... I can't go into more detail than that really... if you have read this far then well done but my head says this girl will bring nothing but pain and hurt in your life and that I need to just let go, accept and only ever be there for her as a friend if ever needed while my heart just wants her regardless of all the hurt and pain and crap from the past. From an outside perspective this might all seem a bit sad, she is always at the back of my mind but I haven't seen her in the flesh for years now It all seems so sad... timing wrong or not meant to be... she is shy and would run the other way if I chased and now she isn't even online to talk to again that often - I should give up but can't seem to get over it all and move on 100%.
I know that she knew I liked her the first time and that I still did when we started to speak again... I think she knows I truly care about her... so if she isn’t doing anything about it when knowing that then it is kind of settled although she has told me I won’t like her the same if I saw her now.
This may seem wishful thinking but it is almost like she doesn’t feel ready to be with me... like it might happen someday. I know she misses me when we do not talk, this has come out in the past. I also remember how jealous she can get and maybe she just doesn’t want to settle down.... maybe she holds me off because of that... she is single a lot for a pretty girl.
This problem also isn't very fair on any other girls I date... I am moving on in my life and progressing at work and getting stuff done - I don't know what else I can do to forget her and wonder if anyone has any advice that can get rid of her from the back of my mind, I feel in my gut that it will never happen now and I just want the thought of her gone. I will try anything - it is sad to think about someone that I just shared some good internet conversation with have seen maybe 3 - 4 times in my whole life, this is not normal. I am hoping to date some more soon and hope that someone can make me feel this way or like this to an extent that she will become forgotten for good, I guess I can remain hopeful.
Thanks anyone with some good advice on how to banish the thoughts of this true love gone wrong.