bleeding heart

[bleedingheart7]

I had a boyfriend who i love so very much. Ours is a long distance relationship because of our jobs, but we don't really mind since we'd planned to move in together and get married soon. As long as we call each other and talk for hours everyday I am happy and not worried at all. But for the past months i've gotten so busy nursing my dad who has got cancer that i found no time to talk to him. When my dad died, i expected him to come home, but he didn't. On the day of the burial he told me that he's gotten a girl pregnant and was forced to marry her because he doesn't want her to commit abortion. He told me that he always wanted to have a baby with me but I was always saying I'm not yet ready. I actually beg him not to marry her but he kept on saying he's sorry for the pain he has caused me.I thought that he was really dumb to actually marry a girl he doesn't love because he told me so. He's doing it for the baby's sake but later told me that the girl's dad would kill him if he would not marry his daughter. I didn't know what to believe anymore.

It's been four days since he married her. He said that he still loves me so much and that after the baby's born he would leave her and hope that I would still accept him. I've actually cried for almost a month and I still can't accept the fact that he's married now. I can't imagine myself falling for somebody else because in my heart i know i will not love anyone as much as I loved him. Should I believe him and wait for him? I'm scared that since they are living together now he would learn to love the girl since they cannot avoid having sex.. It hurts. It really hurts. I love him so much. It's so painful waking up each day and knowing everything has changed. My father's gone, why him too? I even find it so hard to sleep because I'm always crying. I wish I would die now so I won't feel this pain ever again.

[blues414]

i'm so sorry you are going through this. i know a tiny bit of how you feel. not knowing if you should wait, and not thinking that you will be able to love anyone else again. but this simply isn't true. im trying to learn this right now.
i recently lost my bf because i was kissed by another guy when i was drunk so i would be a hypocrit if i said " why do you care about this guy, he cheated on you" because i am trying so hard to get my ex back... but in all honesty, why is out having sex with other people while you were taking care of your dad? he should have been on the phone with you every day, or he should've been by your side or something. i think you deserve better personally. if he's your boyfriend, he should only want to be having sex with you, no one else. if you stick by his side, and he does end up falling in love with this girl or whatever, then you'll have to take even more bad news. then you'll feel 10 times worse. you can stop more pain from coming if you maybe step away from the situation for a while, and take time to yourself. don't start dating anyone or anything, just take time for you. and if he does come back even after he's been living with this girl, etc. then you guys can talk again. i feel as though you will have a lot of trouble gaining back his trust and everything...and deep down, i do feel like you deserve better. find soemone that lives near you and that wouldn't have sex with anybody but you. that is just how i feel.

[ExpoNovak]

Stop for a second and reread your post. If that were posted by your best girlfriend what would your advice to her be? I'm guessing it wouldn't be "Wait it out, he'll come back when the baby is born."

Nobody forces anybody to do a damn thing. We make our own choices. If my girlfriend showed up pregnant by another man I am afraid I would have to put on my walking shoes--no matter how I felt about her. Not being supportive through your father's illness and death would be enough reason to drop that relationship--when you add the other woman to this its just plain silly to hang on.

Granted, I can give this all the lip service in the world and it isn't going to change how you feel. What it boils down to is you can love him until the cows come home but you have to love yourself MORE.

Marrying her doesn't say "I'm a good guy willing to face the consequences." Facing the consequences is paying child support and being around for the kid for the next 18 years. I have no idea what this dude is thinking, but the last thing you need is to get involved in the nasty emotional upheaval that apparently follows this guy.

[Junket]

What if there is no baby and no wife?

What if that was all a pussy excuse to stop dating you?

[bluesummer]

If he married her in the first place because she was pregnant, the likelihood that he'll just suddenly up and leave her after the baby is born is pretty slim.

Why would you want to be with someone who impregnated another girl anyways? I wouldn't ever talk to him again, myself.

I know it hurts and feels like you will never ever love anyone else like you loved him, but I think all of us have said this at some point in our lives. You will move on, and your heart will heal, you just need to give it time. Stop putting anymore tears into this man. He is not worthy of you.

[Mish]

It hurts. It really hurts. I love him so much. It's so painful waking up each day and knowing everything has changed. My father's gone, why him too? I even find it so hard to sleep because I'm always crying. I wish I would die now so I won't feel this pain ever again.

I know there is nothing I can say that will make this pain go away.

You are feeling hurt because the person you love and loved for a long time (For as long as you can remember) abandoned you. You're feeling hurt, hurt especially because you have already lost someone dear and very close to you who you love and you can't bear the thought of loosing another close person as well. But then suddenly you realize that the second loss has already occured. Did it already happen? How quickly did it occur? It flashed right before your eyes. You suddenly realize, you can't stop the time, you can't go back to the past to fix what has happened. If only you could everything would be right, everything would be so much better. But the more you think about it, the more you realize that you can't. It has already happened.

What can you do now? Now that you are in this limbo. After having suffered these two incredible losses in your life, the ones the shook your entire foundation and meaning in life. What would you like to do? Would you like to feel better? Slowly find your way back to happiness and make your world a happier place to live in than it is now? Would you like to see the pain go away? There's only one road that can lead to that place at this stage unfortunately. That road is acceptance. Acceptance of what has happened. Acceptance and release. You can't continue to be attached to the thought of the two of you together. You need to find a way to release yourself from that attachment. Set yourself free of the dreams you've set out for yourself with him, set yourself free of your plans with him for the future. At this point in time you future is an open book with many yet unwritten pages. A world of opportunity and posibility. Do you deserve to be with someone who's cheated on you even though you had so much love for him? Absolutely not. Do you deserve a better opportunity and real happiness in life? Yes, yes and yes. Let these thoughts saturate your mind. Let them envelope you. Let them give you consolation in your moments of darkness.

[tryingtoforget]

I know you don't want to hear this, but you are so lucky that you are not the one that is married to this guy.
After my ex boyfriend cheated on me for years, he finally got someone pregnant. She is now five months pregnant and he still calls me and leaves messages on my phone behind her back ("I love you blah blah).
I am SOOO much happier without him. It hurt at first, big time. I couldn't eat or sleep, I know what you're going through. But now my life is so much better, so much more peaceful, and I just keep thinking, Thank GOD I didn't have a child with him.
Don't wait for him to leave her, please. Find someone who will be faithful to you. You're worth it.
You'll feel better, I promise. It just takes time, and not as long as you think.
Keep yourself busy and spend lots of time with your friends.
Watch funny movies.
Eat healthy food and exercise.
It'll get better.

[bleedingheart7]

Thanks everybody for all your advise. I felt so stupid to ever think that maybe I can forgive him and be with him. It's just that my mind was so messed up, I can't think straight, I felt so miserable. I'm not yet ok, but reading all your responses made me feel a little better. He still keeps on leaving me messages saying he still loves me so much but I only get angrier each day. I will never forgive him for cheating on me.

Now I'm really trying my best to move on, keep myself busy and not feel so depressed. But since my father's death I always feel an intense pain in my chest sometimes making it so hard for me to breathe. I went to see a doctor and he said that I have a heart problem, a swelling in cardiac blah blah..I was like, huh? Oh.. okay.. I don't want to think about it so much because I don't want to make my condition worse. I'm really trying my best not to think about these problems that keep on coming in my life. The pain is still here, but I hope and I pray that it will eventually go away. To Mishanya, thank you for all the things you said about acceptance and release.. I really appreciate them. Again, to all, thanks a lot.

[vashti]

Wow, he's a real prince, huh? I am really sorry that poor baby has such a creep for a father. I agree with everyone else... you will feel bad for a while, but in the end, you will be glad you didn't get stuck with him. He is a bullet dodged, my friend.

[Tedel]

WoW, Bleedingheart...

After reading your post, I have only 2 things to tell you about this.

The first one is that you need to love yourself a little more. If that s.o.b. got married with someone else, OK, that's the end of that. Period. He is not the man for you and —further— you don't have to become someone else's lover or rebound. You deserve your own loving husband.

About your father, well... My sympathy.

In general, I think you are feeling as lost as you have sounded here because you have lost two very important things in your life. Soon, when the pain is over, you need to think about this:

Now that you are free from your family and that s.o.b. (sorry, but I can't really think in another term for him), think about what are you going to use your freedom for now.

If you don't make these decisions by yourself, you will end up tying up yourself to a man instead.

Hope this helps.

[Tommy]

Keep your head up. Love yourself, before you love anyone else. You deserve to be loved just as much as you can give love. I feel your pain about the loss in the relationship. I did want to say that you are very brave/strong for trying to keep your head above water with the loss of your father as well.

We are all here for ya! This place is a true place of support as I have found currently and in the past! <3 Love Forums!

[tryingtoforget]

Yuck, I hate that feeling.
It gets better, I promise, and your mind will clear with time.
Things will feel normal and happy again.
It just takes some time.
Start something new, like learning the guitar or taking an art class...it helped me to focus on something that made me feel good about myself.

[Mish]

I went to see a doctor and he said that I have a heart problem, a swelling in cardiac blah blah..I was like, huh? Oh.. okay.. I don't want to think about it so much because I don't want to make my condition worse. I'm really trying my best not to think about these problems that keep on coming in my life. The pain is still here, but I hope and I pray that it will eventually go away. To Mishanya, thank you for all the things you said about acceptance and release.. I really appreciate them. Again, to all, thanks a lot.

Thanks Bleedingheart. I'm glad to see you're getting better. Don't ignore any health problems. If there's a swelling make sure you get it checked out and fixed ASAP. Everything else in life can wait, your health though really is THE most important.

Now, as you work your way past acceptance and release and feel how wonderful it is to go through these valuable and important life phases. You will find another very important and joyful value. This value is posibility. Look around yourself. For how long have you ignored the posibilities and abundance around you? For how long have you ignored the wonderful people who build and harmonize the wolrd around them? Can you see all the opportunities on offer? New things to try, new places to explore, new skillsets to acquire, new people to get to know? You can't posibly imagine the amount of variety and opportunity that exists for you out there, but you are slowly openning your eyes to it. You are waking up from your slumber and seeing your surroundings with a new pair of eyes. Why have you been sleeping for so long? Is the first question that you will ask yourself. And as you begin to explore this new world around you, you will see yourself slowly set on a new journey, journey of excitement and journey of renewal and growth. Your lessons from the past will be there to guide you. Can you wait for all these new experiences? Deep down you know it's too taxing to wait.

[Shortips]

There's a very simple answer to your plight:
as harsh as it may seem, you should most definitely not wait for him!
1. He cheated on you and he could do it again. If there's no trust, then a relationship cannot survive.
2. Think of his promise. He claimed to have married that girl' so that she wouldn't have an abortion. He's planning on leaving her after the baby's born just to be sure? well, he can leave her prior to the birth, if he's only objective is for the baby to be born and besides think of how he's misleading that woman. He can do the same to you.

Your father has just died, and you're vulnerable. Don't make any rash decisions based on loneliness.

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