Some pieces of memory. What would you have done?

[everton11]

I was just watching a movie and suddenly it reminds me of a girl I was chasing along with the memories of how it ended horribly. I really want to write all these out of my chest... and to reflect on my mistakes.

Back in college, I got to know this girl who was struggling in school. I helped her and a few months later she asked me hang out with her. I have always found her attractive but I had too much pride to ask her out as I was helping her (I didn't want her to say yes just because of that) and I never thought she would be interested in me. Anyway, as we continue to see each other she mentioned to me about her past lovers being losers, abusive, involves with illegal activities (almost got her killed) and how she wants to date someone like me. Then I finally found the courage to confess to her after a dinner date, after which she said I'm different than the other guys and that she wants us to keep hanging out. (So basically a not yet, but we'll see...)

A few months later we attended a gathering with some friends, in which she was introduced to a close friend of mine. The same night my close friend blankly told me that she was too immature and not intelligent enough to be with me. My problem, on the other hand, was impatience, I was fed up with waiting for an answer. Haunted by my past experiences (I was led on by another girl before her), a week later I decided to relay to her exactly what my friend told me (by cowardly hiding behind his words as I clearly stated those were all "his" words, even thought I, in some parts, agree with them). I knew it would hurt her, and I knew it would sabotage whatever we had at the time, but somehow, I knew she was going to say no to me, and that she doesn't want anything from me other than my friendship and attention (and of course, occasional academic assistance).

She cried and was angry at my friend, and stated she doesn't know if we would start a relationship, she thinks whatever happen would happen, and that we should go with the flow, and how perfect things now, it would be bad to mess it up. She stated that she thought about being in a relationship me, but we both had too much in our life... (this was in a previous post, which we have already conclude she was no longer interested in me but didn't want to burn the bridge)

I took that as a way to lead me on. So a week later I send her a message, basically saying that my intention was at fault from the start, I was trying to "win her over" and by showing how little confidence I had, she had already found me being boring and unattractive. Also stated was how she took what I have for granted, but I'm sure there are other women who will not overlook them (in which is happening now... 3 months after graduation and into the work force). In the end I wish she would find a trustworthy guy and that I will be happy for her.

Well, needless to say, we stop all contact afterward. At times I resented her, I was angry at her, sometimes I think about her, and now, I don't know why, I'm start to feel remorse at what I did. What I said to her probably hurt her for a while.

But what could I have done? What did she expect I would do? Sit there and wait for her? May be she knew she wasn't going to commit anything with me, but she has to know that I was prepared to start something serious with her! I'm good at everything that I do, from academic to physical fitness (and currently holding a well-respected, decent-paying job after grad school...), but I have consistently fail at relationship, a game that do not have logic or science, but a game that has numerous variables that I cannot control. After being led-on and used by the first girl, I was deprived of all self-confidence, but yet I have way too prides. I did not want another girl to be holding out on me, dragging me along while keeping her options open. I am willing to give 100%, but I also expect 100%, just like every single thing I'm good at in life. (Its funny that, the first girl told me "You are master of everything", while the second girl told me, "You are best at everything", and to be honest, both of their rejection was pretty similar, as they never stated "no" to me, but rather, gave me a bunch of "open-ended" excuses...) When I don't like a girl, I tell her no, for once I would like a girl to just tell me no, and not some B.S.

Sorry about the essay, but any comments or thoughts about this? What would you have done?

Thank you.