He's still on a dating site

[silva]

I don't know if what I'm doing is right, but I feel so conflicted. Basically I'm following my bf of a year and a half on a dating site. He was on this site before we got together, as was I, though it wasn't how we got together - we were friends and he told me he was on it and I joined to start the online dating scene, but then he and I got together.

When our relationship was definite, I suspended my account. Then I deleted it. He and I went out for a few months, then broke up for a few, then got back together and have been together since. I never reactivated my account on the dating site, but he never deleted his, or suspended it. I know because I started to follow him on it. There was one point where I asked him "You're not still on any of those dating sites are you?" and he mumbled out a 'no'. This was what prompted me to start doing this. So I created a new account using a different name and a non-face pic. I only use it to check out his profile though. I see when he last logged in, and if there's anything that's changed.

On his profile he says that he's "seeing someone". His profile info and paragraphs are normal length, but the mention of a girlfriend is literally something like "I have a girlfriend so I'm only looking for friends." However, in the box where you fill out what you're looking for on this site he has ticked 'Women who like men' between the ages of '24 and 29' 'Who are single'. But he also has checked 'Friends', not short or long-term dating.

Is it justified that I'm doing this? Looking at his profile secretly? Following it? Is it common for people to keep their profiles like this?

Whenever I check and see he's logged on recently, it hurts. It really hurts. There was one point where he didn't log on for 2 months and I felt so good, but then he logged on and I felt like my heart broke. I don't know why he's on it if he's not looking for anyone. And if he's only interested in friends, why do they have to be women who are single? Could be an oversight on his part, but I don't know. Nothing in his info boxes have changed really, so he doesn't tweak his profile, which is good, I guess? But it cuts my heart.

I feel like I can't trust him. What should I do? Is it innocent enough that I should just not say anything? Should I stop checking to see how often he goes on (it varies from 2 weeks to 2 months or something)? Should I confront him? Should I send him a message as the different profile chick and see what he does? I don't think he's seeing or sleeping with anyone else. But it still really hurts to see he's logging into it.

[rain.man]

Is it justified that I'm doing this? Looking at his profile secretly? Following it? Is it common for people to keep their profiles like this?

No, it isn't. Secretly spying on someone is no better than snooping through their email or checking their texting habits.

As far as keeping their profiles, I have one on some dating site from three years ago that I never deleted. I don't have an active subscription, and I don't use it, but I couldn't be bothered to delete it either.

He specifically says he has a girlfriend in his profile, and states he is only looking for friends. He's not doing anything obviously devious here. If you don't think he is cheating, why do you feel you can't trust him?

First thing you need to do is stop spying. Passive-agressive behaviors like that are *not* the right way to deal with issues. Second, if it really bothers you this much, you need to talk to him about it. Tell him you saw his profile, ask him why he never deleted it.

[kitkitkitty]

stop checking. you've done it for so long that it's really bothering you concequently needing to talk to him. what's he gona say when you tell him you've been checking up on him? you can't tell him you've only looked 'a couple of times' because it's lying on your behalf.

[xxazurexx]

I know how you are feeling and because I went through the same thing with someone. We'd met online and got together and what not and were long distance from each other - but still he'd go on this site where we had met and it used to piss me off and everytime I'd see him logged in,....it led to many arguments.

In the end I just thought 'f**k it', became past caring and just let him get on with it. If he was gonna meet someone else, then it was going to happen and it was a waste of my time worrying about something that was totally beyond my control. Plus I thought that if he would be easily led astray, then he couldn't think much of me anyway.

So I just resorted to totally trusting him and I quit going on the site...not even to check if he was on.

We got along much better after I quit nagging him. We aren't together now though, but split for totally different reasons that had nothing to do with anyone else or the website....and I ended it.

[doppelgaenger]

You're crazy. If I was with someone who was stalking me like you, I would break up immediately. His relationship status is that he's seeing someone, and he specifically lists that he's only looking for friends. I think this is good enough. It's not like you married the guy and have kids.