Long Distance Dating a Christian, and I'm an Atheist guy

[Draugydob]

<<Warning: Lots of reading ahead.>>


Hello all!

I have lurked the forum a bit, but I though it was time to register to get some personal advice. I think it's best if I tell you who I am first of all so we can get a better understanding of where I am coming from.

First of all, I'm a 19 year old male who has never had a girlfriend in his life. I've just never found the right girl. SO many girls just seem to be full of fluff and bimbo-ness. You know, the kind who take pictures of themselves pursing their lips in front of their bathroom mirrors. -.-

Well I'm not here to rant so I'll continue. I've never kissed, touched, yadda yadda. I'll admit, my body's pretty aweful (which I am working on), but I think I generally make up for it with my easy going nature. (saying good things about yourself on the internet is like asking to be punched by a raging bodybuilder; you just dont do it, so all I'll say is I'm a nice easy going guy). Im a deep thinker and an atheist (I dont think there is any intelligent being or invisible god floating about my head).

Around 6 months ago, I met a girl online. I meet lots of girls online, but not 'meet' meet. Ive been using the computer a lot of my life. Anyways, I met her and she was possibly the prettiest person Ive ever had to lays my eyes upon. I hope that doesnt make me shallow. We talked a lot and I knew I couldnt let her out of my reach. She asked for my number and phoned each other and on Aug 3rd I called her and asked her if she would like to be my girl. She said yes and I was all like

We literally have EVERYTHING in common! Same favorite band (led zeppelin), we love classic rock and good instrumental/orchestrated scores, videogames, nerdy stuff, and most importantly, we have the same sense of humor.

I cant say I know what love is, but for the longest time Ive had intense feelings for her. Could be love, but Im a little skeptical of that as I know love has a certain amount to do with pheromones excreted by humans...But whatever this feeling is its beyond comprehension. If you've read this far, thanks for staying with me, you're a trooper

She is 3 years younger than me and is head over heals for me as I am for her. Im atheist and she is Christian. Like, really christian. I promised myself I would never let that get in the way. She has also had quite a past with boys and drinking/smoking (and shes only 16!) which has made me nervous from time to time...

Long distance doesnt bother me, age doenst bother me, her past does make me feel sad sometimes, but the religion thing bothers me a lot. I want the world to get along (im somewhat of a spanish hippy XD), and I respect peoples beliefs, but Christianity (well, most religions for that matter) really gets on my nerves more than kids crying in a restaurant.


Maybe I need to see a psychiatrist, or possibly a hypnosis, because I feel so sick to the stomach whenever she mentions their talking snakes and 600 year old people...and I wish it wasnt like that. Honestly, why should I care? But I do, which sucks big time.
Basically I have a few questions:

1.) Is it normal to feel jealousy towards ex-boyfriends? (she doesnt talk to them anymore, but she has been with a lot of guys), or am I being overly paranoid? I dont bring this up with her because I know if there's one thing girls hate, it's a jealous guy.

2.) Is anyone else in a Christian/atheist relationship? What do I do in a situation like this? I have been to church and I've seen a lot of documentaries on evidence to back up the bible, but no matter what, I can never believe in magic unless I see it. Which is a pity, I really do wish I could.


I am SO [in love? I cant imagine a better feeling...] with her...I think about our future and everything, and most of my painting lately have been for her...blahrg. I dont know what to do.

A little voice inside of me is telling me we need to go our separate ways, but I CANNOT STAND to see her sad. At all. It would break my [would be] already broken heart .

Ive met so many girls, but none like this; she is my first girlfriend. I somehow mustered up the confidence to ask her out, even though I know Im being judged by all my friends for it being long distance, her being 3 years younger than me, her being christian.


I hope to start being more active on this forum. Unfortunately my break at work is almost over (3 jobs is killer!) so I'll have to stop boring you with excessively large blocks of text.



Thankyou!

-Draugydob

[cancankant]

To start off, I'm going to say that a 16 year old is pretty young for 19 year old guy, but I know that it's fairly normal. Do you two have plans to "meet" in real life at any time? If so, you have to be careful because of the legality of your relationship, should you two become intimate with one another. You're smitten with her and that's also normal. It's also normal to be jealous of past boyfriends, especially if she's been intimate with them. She really shouldn't have given you the gory details of her past so soon, honestly, unless it was putting you at some risk, and from what you've described, this is all online so far.

As far as the religion/atheism thing, turn it around? Is she trying to convert you or convince you to become a Christian? Are you wanting her to become Atheist? If not, I don't see the big deal. If it's an occasional comment, then you two have to learn to disagree respectfully. My husband is a Deist (he believes God exists, but that God doesn't "interfere" with the world). I am more spiritual and have gone through phases of more intense spirituality, but it doesn't last long. My husband can be downright bigoted towards anyone religious, and that bothers me. I have told him his comments sometimes hurt my feelings, since I do consider myself to be a very spiritual person. He basically believes all religion is crap. We have had to learn to disagree on that subject and for the most part, we tend to not have religiously oriented conversations, since he will most likely say something I consider offensive. He has a lot of good qualities, but has never healed from a Catholic upbringing that he felt was strict, so I know why he hates religion so much.

That being said, if dating someone who doesn't hold your religious beliefs (or lack thereof) isn't working for you, look for another Atheist (or at least someone who isn't a gung ho *fill in the blank*). Would it bug you as much if she were Buddhist, Unitarian, Jewish? Just a thought.

[kitkitkitty]

should you not have considered this pretty big religion thing before asking her to be your gf? anyway... religion is a hard thing to deal with, i know how much it must bug you i went to a convent secondary school and studied the bible til i was blue in the face and consequently making me believe in 'God' less and less. which is why i'm thinking that even though you have everything else in common, this one thing that's different in both of you could be the one thing that keeps you from feeling even closer to her. you either need to be open-minded about her beliefs [which i know can be hard if you don't feel the same] or you need to call it a day. it's up to you but you can't lie to yourself just to stop her from getting hurt that's not fair on either of you.

[cancankant]

kitkitkitty has a good point. You two are both young. If something about her bothers you this much, not much else really matters. I also was pretty "Christian" up until the age of 17 or so. I even dated a guy who basically had no religion and who I though about inviting to church when I was 16! I ended up disagreeing with the religion, and that is when it ended for me. Then I basically became a pagan, and now I'm sort of pagan meets Buddhist eclectic. So, there's hope for people, but they have to choose that path for themselves. Being pushed or prodded into it won't work!

[kitkitkitty]

another thing... if you decide to end it because of all of this, it'll be somewhat useful for future relationships. 1. religion is obviously a big thing to you, so ask how they feel about it before letting yourself get attatched. even though you can't help who you fall for get that question outta the way 2. you may not have even considered the importance of such beliefs before which is fair enough so it'll give you an idea of what you should predominantly look for next time in a woman.
one more thing... are her parents religious much? do they know about you 2? because if you carried this on, i can see their involvement becoming an issue because of the age difference and that she's still their 'baby'.

[xxazurexx]

I think you are too young to be worrying about this crap and your relationship is likely doomed to fail anyway....you are long distance and both very young.

[Draugydob]

Thanks for the fast replies guys! What a great forum; wish I would have found it earlier. I'll try and answer most of the questions

1.) Do you two have plans to "meet" in real life at any time? If so, you have to be careful because of the legality of your relationship, should you two become intimate with one another.

-We plan to meet this October. She lives 3500 miles away so it's a pretty hefty plane ticket. I'm not worried about the distance/money at all. We probably wont be intimate. I mean, other than kissing and hugging. I'm not a very fast paced guy.


2.) Is she trying to convert you or convince you to become a Christian? Are you wanting her to become Atheist?

-Hm. She doesnt try and convert me, but I know she wants me to have God just as much as I want her to be atheist with me. This worries me a lot because I know that that is unhealthy. I actually can't imagine wanting anything more (other than a plane ticket there ) than her being atheist, which is wrong that Im concerned so much. It just scares me the way those people think sometimes...calling themselves 'unworthy servants' and stuff.

3.) Would it bug you as much if she were Buddhist, Unitarian, Jewish?

-Wow what a good question. This has me thinking a lot. I don't think it would bug me as much, mind you I have never met any people of those faiths before.

4.) should you not have considered this pretty big religion thing before asking her to be your gf?

-Well, we talked for around 5 months give or take, and during that period my feelings were very turbulent on whether it was worth it. I decided that it would be a learning curve and that I really need to overcome my concern with those matters. I thought I would adapt; sadly I have not.

5.) you either need to be open-minded about her beliefs [which i know can be hard if you don't feel the same] or you need to call it a day. it's up to you but you can't lie to yourself just to stop her from getting hurt that's not fair on either of you.

-Wise words. I am very open minded about every religion. Keeping an open mind is very important to me. It's her I worry about mostly...I dont think shes able to put herself in my shoes. Any mention of evolution or another faith, you can tell that that automatically cues the 'ITS THE DEVILS WORK' phrase in her head. It makes me sad I guess that she cant see from my eyes for a few minutes. I respect what she believes in, but it would be nice if she could try to understand me just for a second or two.

6.) I even dated a guy who basically had no religion and who I though about inviting to church when I was 16!

She wants to take me to church when i go down there. I dont really mind; ive been to church. It's kinda cool I guess. I think we both expect we will be able to change each other to each others own beliefs.

7.) are her parents religious much? do they know about you 2? because if you carried this on, i can see their involvement becoming an issue because of the age difference and that she's still their 'baby'.

Her mum is a Sunday school teacher o.o. We send (well, used to more than now) messages back and forth a lot. Like, really long ones. She loves me lol. Also totally welcomes me to their home if I decide to stay. I think she too, things I will be able to be converted.

8.) It would be better for her if she had a brief period of sadness than a LDR with someone with whom she is not compatible.

I think about this a lot...I know the longer I wait, the harder it will be for the both of us. But its so hard for me to even mention the idea to her...

9.) I think you are too young to be worrying about this crap and your relationship is likely doomed to fail anyway....you are long distance and both very young.

Thanks for being honest /:


Thank you guys so much for the feedback! I appreciate the honesty here (unlike talking to my friends; "You guys will be fine! I believe in you!")

[Draugydob]

Oh I have more than enough money to travel to her. Though my family is extremely poor, I do work 2 jobs and own my own licensed painting business with my friend. My last paycheck (combined all jobs) was nearly 2g's
But yes, i see what you mean. I should probably save that for school money... Thankyou for the advice. Im feeling a lot more comfortable with my feelings right now d: