Feeling like it was all my fault, advice?

[lfielding]

My boyfriend of seven years just broke up with me under a week ago, due to 'not wanting a relationship'. We have been together since we were 15 and and are leaving University in a few months, I had chosen him as my future.

All my friends have told me that he wasn't a good boyfriend to me. He would never answer his phone to me, in the last few months he barely replied to my messages. We live half an hour's drive away and we barely saw each other. I suppose after so long, I just want to see the best in someone.

He admitted he's selfish, and he cares more about making the most of his life with his mates. He wants more freedom than I could possibly give him. He didn't even tell me he'd messed up his exams, I thought that was what a parter was for, to lean on? He never asked how I was.

I know he was a bad boyfriend. But I still love him, and I see him as the person I fell in love with, and the person who I spent a week in Paris with earlier this year.

I suppose it's worth mentioning he broke up with me two and a half years in, and six months later wanted me back. I took the break up badly.

I guess what I'm struggling with is the rejection. I gave him everything he wanted and needed, I made sure I understood how he felt and I gave him space to grow. Why was that not enough?

Does anyone have an advice on how to move on from something like this? He has been a huge part of my life for so long, it's a struggle to imagine it without him.

Many thanks x

[smackie9]

The adjustment is no different dealing with a death of a loved one....but we all do carry on. You need to start filling the void by keeping busy, try new things, go out on dates, socialize, go on a trip with some GFs, do something out of your comfort zone, etc. Basically you just have to keep moving and doing things for yourself. Eventually you will enjoy this new life and see what you have been missing out on. Seriously there is a whole world waiting for you to experience. So dry those tears away, buy some new clothes, give yourself a new look, and go out dancing the night away. Embrace your new found freedom.

[Ann S]

I hope you discover how to do more things for yourself (self care) and become less focused on a guy who is not dependable. I have this little saying that has helped me through many a challenge: "When people show you who they are, believe them." This guy is telling you what he wants (freedom) and his behavior is showing you that he wants out of the relationship. I hope you can work with yourself to believe him. I think the real question is, why do you feel so unworthy that you love someone who treats you badly? Good luck to you. Ann

[desertphoenix]

I realize how painful it. My girlfriend (also of seven years) ended our relationship just a few days ago. I can understand the pain you must be going through. You feel like asking yourself a thousand times, "Why?", but please don't question yourself. Don't try to cling on to something that isn't there. I am trying to heal too, if you wish, we can go through this process together.

[michelle23]

Its hard but you will get through this. You will laugh again, smile again and in time love again All you need is time to grieve the loss and heal slowly. Right now you are probably remembering all the good things about him and why you loved him but soon you will start to remember all the bad things and realize the relationship wasn't as perfect as you thought it was. It is a good thing that this happened. It means he wasn't the right one and now you have an opportunity to find him.

Keep busy, spend time with people who care and don't allow yourself to contact him. Stay strong. This breakup was a long time coming and its a good thing it finally happened. In time you will meet a man who will love you with all his heart, he wont take you for granted or leave you to have "fun with his mates" hes obviously not ready to settle down and its his loss.

Now you can casually date, have fun, go out with friends, see what else is out there, think about what you really want and when you find him you'll know it

[thishurts486]

He didn't appreciate you at all. You were the only person giving in this relationship and he was the one taking, taking and taking.

It will take time but throw yourself out of your comfort zone and do the things that you've always said you've wanted to do. Start doing things for yourself. It's sad that you gave so much and you didn't get anything back in return but you now know not to do that again. Both people in a relationship need to give and take. You may give more when your partner really needs it and vice versa but there can't be too much of one.

Go get your hair done, join up to some fun activities and embrace what else is out there

[Boisdevie]

I gave him everything he wanted and needed

No you didn't because if it had been so perfect for him he would still be with you wouldn't here.

[smackie9]

That isn't really fair to say. This is about being curious of what it's like to be single and having different experiences. This is typical of relationships that start at being so young. The changes in a person from 15 years of age to their 20's is a huge jump. People just grow out of relationships.

[bearz]

He clearly wasn't ready for a relationship and he treated you like crap if I may be honest. He wanted to be free and just enjoy life with his friends which was more important to him than you. There is no reason to blame yourself for this, you can't change someone in that regard. You did what you could and he just didn't care. Now it's time to move on with your life, put this behind you and leave it in the past.

[lfielding]

I think the real question is, why do you feel so unworthy that you love someone who treats you badly?

That pretty much sums it up really, and I have no idea why.

[lfielding]

I realize how painful it. My girlfriend (also of seven years) ended our relationship just a few days ago. I can understand the pain you must be going through. You feel like asking yourself a thousand times, "Why?", but please don't question yourself. Don't try to cling on to something that isn't there. I am trying to heal too, if you wish, we can go through this process together.

I'm really sorry to hear that. It's comforting to know I'm not the only one.

[lfielding]

No you didn't because if it had been so perfect for him he would still be with you wouldn't here.

That's a fair comment.

Another way of putting it is that I game him everything I thought he needed and wanted, obviously what he really wanted was out of it. Which is a hard thing to swallow.

[lfielding]

Thank you all for your replies. Right now I feel as though I'm in limbo, and am going through all the irrational feelings of 'did it really happen?', 'I'm sure he's just as upset as I am', 'he'll realise he made a mistake'.

But I know I have to move on if I have any respect for myself. It's just really scary. The last time he broke up with me I was completely mortified and made every mistake in the book, so this time I really want to try and maintain my dignity and move on gracefully.

[smackie9]

You may not understand now why this happened because all you are doing is seeing through the hurt, but down the road as you get older you will see why, and be at peace with it.