Emotional Affair?

[Gasteria]

I noticed this week, my husband of 26 years was extraordinarily happy. He was on cloud 9. Gone was his usual negativity and grouchiness. He was warm, affectionate, and attentive. This state of happiness increased every day.

So right there I was suspicious that something was up with the woman with whom I consider he has an Emotional Affair with, something he vehemently denies.

This morning, he announced he was going to see a musical act without me. Normally, he invites me. Because it was ending late, I offered to pick him up, which he declined. Normally, he doesn't go to late shows Sunday nights because he needs to work on Monday mornings. He was unusually enthusiastic about this, and his mood was uncharacteristically bubbly.

I fantasized about catching him in person, but I decided to call him. His answers to me were very cagey.

I gave him a chance to volunteer the information. I told him I felt there was something funny going on. He acted innocent. I pushed, and mentioned a gut feeling about something weird. Etc. My fourth query had to be more direct: "Are you meeting E-Affair-Girl tonight?"

He said there was a possibility that she might show up at the show.

I Judge-Judy'd him like crazy, and found out that she phoned him at work on Monday, and they arranged to see that musical act together. So. That's why he was happy all week. He was looking forward to meeting E-Affair-Girl.

He doesn't understand why I'm upset that's the happiest I've seen him in 26 years was looking forward to meeting this woman, to the point of being excited for a week, extra sex, etc. I can't seem to get through to him. All I get is a just-friends-no-sex mantra.

He asked me whether I want him to stay, or to leave. *I* sure wasn't talking about separation. It's as if he wants me to tell him to leave, because it will take the decision out of his hands.

Then he got really, really angry, like I've never seen him so angry. I was asking him what they talked about when she phoned him, and well, he "doesn't remember."

He accuses me of not understanding "friendship" but he has plenty of close, personal lady friends that I KNOW are actual friends. Like men friends, only they're female. The issue is with this ONE female only.

E-Affair-Girl is the most special person, he won't give her up even though I've been upset about it for 2 years. My husband would walk through a pit of fire if she stood on the other side.

I offered to see a psychologist to help me deal with the pain, but he wasn't happy because I want to go alone, without him, and he's afraid the psychologist is going to insist that he gives up E-Affair-Girl because the marriage should be more important.

It's as if the existence of E-Affair-Girl (she's 50, actually) is bound to make one of us miserable. Him for not seeing her, or me for him seeing her.

Just a note, he knew her before I met him. He was in love with her. She's still single, having had much difficulty with relationships on account of being rather nutty. I feel that the reason he's with me is because a relationship with her was not really possible (she's quite bonkers).

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MY QUESTION: Is this worth ending the relationship, or am I hysterical?

[misombra]

i would go find myself a part-time lover.

tell him you're going to have dinner with a male "friend" on friday night.

he won't be very happy to have the tables turned.

[JadenMia]

I would be so upset about this too, i would never let this go down and me be okay with it.

I would honestly give an ultimatum. Maybe an immature pathetic thing to do, some people might say. But really, what else do you have here, if you say he wont give her up.. Its been going on 2 years?? Yeah, its not going to end.
Tell him that if he wants to hang out with her, you have to be there too. So you can get to know her, 'trust' her.. So you know what is going on, or you want a divorce.

It it was me, id just leave. Go and find a man you can make happy by yourself, not some other woman doing it for you.. You deserve way more than this! Good luck

[IndiReloaded]

Have you been to Will Harley's site? You need to read his posts on affairs for your own sanity. Here is a link:

[url=http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html]Steps to Recover from an affair/infidelity in marriage[/url]

As for dealing with him, its going to be counterintuitive (and require immense self-control) but the worse thing you can do is get angry and confrontational with him about this other woman (OW). All it will do is push him further towards her. You need to find a way to detach yourself from the situation. Right now, the harder to try to pull him back the harder he will resist you. Tell him you love him (even if you want to bury him in the backyard right now), tell him you are disappointed with him and think he is disrespecting you and your marriage but STAY CALM while you do this. Smile sadly while you tell him this. Practice in the mirror first if you must.

One thing that may help you stay detached is the knowledge that this OW is a cad for chasing a married man. Relationships that start as affairs like this rarely end well b/c neither partner has respect for others or self-control.

Meantime, you should definitely go to a counsellor, first for yourself but eventually with your husband. He needs to hear from a detached 3rd party that what he is doing is selfish and disrespectful--to himself as much as you b/c its his marriage also.

Good luck.

[IndiReloaded]

i would go find myself a part-time lover.

tell him you're going to have dinner with a male "friend" on friday night.

he won't be very happy to have the tables turned.

Actually, if this is the path she chooses, she should go out on ANOTHER night when his lady friend isn't available. Let him sit home and wait for HER to get back.

[Wakeup]

I'd let him go so that he could get past the ilicitness of it all and become totally ruined when she drags him through her mentalness while he finds out why she's still single. You're in Canada... Half of everything is yours, including his pension. mwahahahaha!

If you're separated you too can find someone who makes you happy to get up in the morning while being all bright eyed and bushy tailed while anticipating a date with him. Don't cheat, two wrongs don't make a right and playing tit for tat will just make you resent one another even more then you appear to already do.

[Gasteria]

Well, there goes the "emotional affair."

We were supposed to go for a romantic retreat for 4 days, beginning Thursday.

He decided to go with her instead.

He told me he is leaving me, this morning.

For this FRIENDSHIP, he is willing to lose half of everything he owns.

So you know, the proof is in the pudding.

Though I still believe the "relationship" is non-sexual. He's dumb, that way.

[oldskool83]

you will loose half of everything you own or dont own also. good luck with it. id just kick him out and does she even know hes married...not cool.

[Gasteria]

She knows he's married, she knew him before I did.

She's been in the back of his mind for the 26 years of our marriage.

He's losing half of everything he owns, because he was the major bread-earner. Most of our possessions are the fruit of his labor, not mine.

[oldskool83]

why didnt he marry her then? im long time friends with a women but not to the point there id ignore whos important to me.

[Wakeup]

why didnt he marry her then? im long time friends with a women but not to the point there id ignore whos important to me.

Excellent question!

[bulrush]

Gasteria, I'm sorry to hear the marriage is ending. I did not see a single thing in this thread that said you wanted to work on the marriage. Did you want to work on the marriage if he gave up his girlfriend?

[Gasteria]

Why he didn't marry her? He's very short, and not particularly physically attractive, so she wasn't interested. Also, according to my future ex-husband, a psychologist ended a professional relationship with her because he thought her issues with relationships with men were too profound for him to help. She is 50, and never married.

It's demoralizing to work on the marriage when he's been refusing to give up on the "friendship" for nearly a couple of years.

He sees her as his eternal soulmate.

I was the practical, more workable choice. Not first choice.

[vashti]

I am going through a divorce right now... here's the thing I was told: while he is gone, go and take half of the balance of every bank account you have, ask your friends for recommendations for a divorce lawyer, and make up a list of all your assets. Throw all his clothes in boxes and change the locks on the house. If he has a relative that lives nearby, drop his things at their house, and text him a message telling him not to come back.

It's extremely stressful, but you will need these things, and you don't want him hiding any of your assets, and you don't want him living under the same roof while he is dating someone else.

Now is the time for action. You can grieve later.

[vashti]

Most of our possessions are the fruit of his labor, not mine.

This is wrong-thinking. When you are married, you are in a partnership, and each contributes in different ways. He may have made the cash, but (usually) the wife raises the kids and keeps the home up, arranges the family social life, maintains family connections, etc.. Each person is contributing in a different way, so why should you feel he has any more stake in any possessions? He has contributed to your lifestyle, and you have contributed to his.