WOW! almost impossible to grasp!

[bbb]

Hey all! I'm new here but my problem is a familiar one. I have been with my lady for 13 years now! During this time we have both had one incident where we started to "hang out" with another person. Neither of us ever got sexual with our "other" persons. Both of these "things" happened 5 years ago. I am 29, she is 28 and we have been each others firsts for everything thus far.
It's always (with those two exceptions) been a completely committed and respect bound relationship. Which is not to say we haven't had challenges! More than likely we've probably seen a little bit of everything by now. We've overcome all kinds of adversities and challenges in our time together. We've never hit or cursed one another (EVER!) We've enjoyed a healthy and abundant sex life, common interests, mutual friends, and all the other quality things you'd expect to find in a relationship of this duration.
Yet we've always had a problem with communication, at least on my end. This has steadily gotten better as the years pass but by no means is it perfect even today. It just occured to me that I have yet to say what is going on!! To put is short, she has moved out, and is considering breaking it off for good.
This all came to pass over the last 52 days. And prior to that, things were shaky but completely mendable if my eyes would have been more open. See, I was working three jobs for the last 9 months trying to better our position on home ownership and debt. and this kept me away for almost every hour of the week. I grew distant, or numb as I would describe it - to life in general, not just her and I, and damn sure not intentionally!
But none the less, it happened. As a result of my absence she grew resentfull and felt unattractive and unappreciated. Over the course of many months the pain she was feeling caused her to "callous" over inside. She came to a decision that I had checked out on her and just hadn't said anything! So she positioned herself emotionally for that hit and made the move herself. Like I say, it's been 52 days of hit and miss phone calls, and visits. We still consider ourselves to be b/f & g/f and are not seeing other people. But she is not ready to jump into "us" at the same level she was before, and I on the other hand am ready to make more solid plans than before.
I am basicaly waiting around for her to figure herself out. Which to date has still not happened. She says she's still not compelled to go one direction or the other with this. And on top of that she's said that off and on for the last 5 years she's had this nagging feeling that the grass may be greener on the other side, and that admittedly she has felt it increasing in intensity during the last year. Our most challenging year to date! In the past she says she's always been able to bounce back to a feeling of wholeness w/ me. And that at present, she still doesn't want marriage, or children w/ anyone but me, just that she's not willing to make that committment right now.
She says she couldn't have designed, or handpicked better man for herself. But that she feels as though she's missed out on that part of life where people in their teens and early twenties party and date and have roommates. And since she's always been in a committed relationship w/ me was unable to do these things. And this is the itch she's fighting right now. Wether to scratch that itch, or to hold onto what her and I have? She wonders if she'll regret not having had these experiences when she's 50. So we're in a certain state of limbo right now. It is really hard on me to just sit and wait. What advice or opinions to you all have on this?

[Lloyd95]

good god paragraphs are your friend.

[Junsui]

Wow, yeah that relationship was way too long for starting that early in age. I'm surprised you two never got married after that long.

[Rosebud]

The only thing you can do, is let her have her time. These types of situations are hard. I don't want to say she's having doubts but with her not having those single years she did miss out on some things that she may be wanting to experience. I hate telling people they have to wait around for others but you need to go by how you feel and how you want to handle all this.

[TAVS]

Tough one dude. It's got to be hard finding that level of relationship at such a young age. Theres a lot to be said for playing the field and sewing wild oats

[bbb]

How many of you think that based on what I've shared above that I should bow out gracefully at this point? And hope that she comes around again after some time has passed. Or should I give this every opportunity to grow again and just hang in there untill it becomes crystal clear that she is more of the "toss in the towel" mindset?

[cheazypeaz]

hold on matey.. shes special, its worth it...

just dont dwell on it, no point in being miserable about it, 13 years is alot to loose.

[TAVS]

How many of you think that based on what I've shared above that I should bow out gracefully at this point? And hope that she comes around again after some time has passed. Or should I give this every opportunity to grow again and just hang in there untill it becomes crystal clear that she is more of the "toss in the towel" mindset?

That's too big a question for me to comment. Do what you feel is best.

[bbb]

hold on matey.. shes special, its worth it...

just dont dwell on it, no point in being miserable about it, 13 years is alot to loose.

Yeah, my heart and head are telling me to hold on, I'm just worried that I don't see it with as much clarity as someone from the outside, looking in may have. I'd hate to think that I'm holding onto someone who's already let go and just hasn't said it yet? or that I'm so blinded by my desire to make it work that I'm not picking up on subtle hints that most others would catch. I guess she's kinda layed it out for me pretty clearly though. She says she isn't ready to walk out on it, or get fully involved again. Just wait then is all I guess I can do untill she decides. DAMN it's a tough spot to be in!!

[cheazypeaz]

go and have fun mate, live those missed teenage memories!!

[weeza]

My mother got married at 18, so she has always encouraged me to "live" my prime years, so to speak. I'm now only 22 and my mum comments on how I've done a lot more than not only a lot of people my age, but people her age too. So yes, I can understand your g/f concern about whether she has truly lived her youth.

If you still consider yourselves to be b/f and g/f, maybe you guys need to see what you can do together that will be an extreme change from the norm and spice things up again. Maybe travel, go work o/s for a year or so...I know it sounds earier said the done, but I know people who have given up excellent jobs etc just so they could travel...and it was always the best thing I ever did!

However, there is a popular saying (which I can't remember exactly) and it basically says that if you let someone go and they come back to you, then they are definitely yours; and if they don't, they were never yours to keep.

[Rosebud]

I have to say I really don't think she's going to disappear. She may go out and have her fun, but she will realize what she truly misses in life. Being with someone for that legnth of time and knowing each other like you guys do, I don't think she's going to go very far from you.

[bbb]

I have to say I really don't think she's going to disappear. She may go out and have her fun, but she will realize what she truly misses in life. Being with someone for that legnth of time and knowing each other like you guys do, I don't think she's going to go very far from you.

I've heard that a couple of times now and can only say that if it does slip away from me, I hope that's how it goes. We have what we both consider to be an exceptional relationship. even with all our differences and struggles. She (I too) feels like all the qualities that we are looking for in our life partners is there. The only way I can rationalise or make any sense of her thoughts at present is by telling myself she's confused and needs a little space........and maybe more than will be comfortable for me to give [yikes!] This is a bad place to be, I've been so happy and comfortable for so many years. I have a new found sense of empathy for anyone in the dating world. I'm haven't exactly been dumped yet, but can already tell that it sucks a great deal! I applaud those of you who have made it through this kind of thing. It certainly seems as though it has the capability to break a person down.

[Rosebud]

Well your doing the right thing by thinking of both case scenarios. And preparing for it to go either way but even with all that in mind. Like the saying goes..if you let someone go, and they come back to you..It's meant to be! I really feel for you on this one and I hope things work out for you. Keep us posted ok!

[bbb]

Well your doing the right thing by thinking of both case scenarios. And preparing for it to go either way but even with all that in mind. Like the saying goes..if you let someone go, and they come back to you..It's meant to be! I really feel for you on this one and I hope things work out for you. Keep us posted ok!

She knows that I have an appt. w/ a counselor (my first time) on the sixth. She just had a sit down w/ hers on thursday the 1st. That night when she spoke w/ me she said, out of nowhere, "I think you should set up an appt. for the two of us to see your conselor" She wants to do a couples counseling session. This sounds promising to me?