Need some male advice on how i can start fresh with my husband.

[heartach]

I know i have pushed him away by being naggy and controlling. I know i have to work on me and let him do his stuff. I feel i owe it to him to let him do what he wants even though it may hurt me but im hoping my confidence and self esteem will help with that. What i am wondering is how can i make it new and have him feel like we are starting fresh so he can start trusting me with telling me his feelings on things and becoming friends again.? I hear that men like mystery in a women. How can i be a mystery when we have been married 15 years and i love sharing things with him and want him to share things with me? How can i become new to him and maybe have a chance at winning his heart back cause right now his heart is with another women and i feel he is with me out of convince since we dont have the money for him to leave and he is afraid of how i will act again since when he said he would leave me if i didnt stop hurting him emotionally. Lets just say i didnt take it so well so i feel he is afraid to say it but i feel he feels like saying that.


I would love any advice onhow i can be the wife and friend he needs and how to try and start fresh with our relationship.

[dem862]

Wow. Fifteen years. Probably this is a deeply ingrained behavior pattern which will not change without professional help. Real communication has to occur here. Where communication is a moderated two-way street and each party must feel he or she has been heard before proceeding. Only with deep understanding of the other's point of view can progress and change happen. I don't think there is any quick fix here. It appears the expectation is a imminent separation and he is already preparing for it with this other woman. Good luck to you.

[heartach]

But he says he doesn't necessarily want a divorce he just wants things to get better and be the way they used to be. Plus he said i pushed him into her in a way because i wasn't giving him what he needed . Is he lying to me? Should i make myself strong and start working on giving him a way out? Should i try and get him into counseling? I ask him if he wants to and he say" I don't care, whatever it takes and whatever you want to do you decide" Is that a bad reaction? it feels like he dosen't care if we go to counseling as long as we don:t bash him and make him change what he wants?

Should i treat it as friends with bennifits and we have kids together?

[LoveBobo]

What is this his heart is with another woman. He is your husband, wtf?! You really sound like you are a good woman that is trying to put her husband first. I can tell you that you can "win" his heart back. He is not lying to you. He is hinting to you that he wants as they used to be, so make it happen. What ever it was that made him fall in love you, spontaneous sex, sexy lingerie, what ever!

Just don't give up (should i treat it as friends with benefits and we have kids together?= no no)! I believe that you can work this out. Be more interested in him.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Don't bug him to tell you everything, and don't feel the need to tell him everything. Do you do any activities/hobbies on your own?

[IndiReloaded]

Give him space. Lots of it. The instinct to close the emotional space when they run from it is the opposite of what you should do. Shrug more. When he senses your emotional independence, he'll come back. You may not care by then, but perhaps not a bad thing.

[haxan]

I guess stop being nagging and controlling. Sometimes wives try to be moms for some reason. He did manage to make it to adulthood without you. Like Indi said, give him some space. Whatever attractive features you have inside and out, focus on putting those on display. Try not to be up his ass all of the time.

You've posted a lot on this, so whatever you're doing probably hasn't helped. Try something different.

[smackie9]

Get counseling just for yourself, maybe it will help you discover why you are so unhappy.

[rafterman]

I know i have pushed him away by being naggy and controlling. .

Pretty much this, This is a deal breaker, most of the time, with guys. But good to see you've acknowledged the problem.....back off he'll come back.

[IndiReloaded]

But here's the caveat for guys: don't ignore her comment or request b/c it makes you uncomfortable. Most women nag as a last resort. When she stops engaging, this is your chance. Ignore this stage at your own relationship peril. The next step is the one where the woman leaves and the guy is left going 'WTF just happened'?

[heartach]

Thank you so much for all your helpful answers. I know I have put a lot of posts on here about my situation and so I really appreciate your answeres. I know it must be annoying. I just have another question on this though. How. Do I find out what he wants and needs and show I'm interested and care if I don't talk and give him his space. I thought talking and asking questions show I care and helps me find out stuff like for instance I have been asking him if he needs me to pleasure him and a lot of times he says no but evidence shows he did it on his own. I asked him if it bothers him if I ask him if he wants me to pleasure him almost everyday and he answeres with "I don't know". I ask because a while ago he. Got a Ashly Maddison account and I found it and confronted hoim on it and he said he partly did it cause I wasn't showing intrest and want available when he was anitiating he wanted sex. So well I'm confused and wanna show him I'm available and ready and show intiation but don't wanna annoy him with questions about that and other stuf. How do I know waht he wants if I don't ask and he doesn't tell me cause he is shut down? Woukd love some help. Thanks so much.

[smackie9]

The only person that can answer that is him. A marriage will not survive without good communication from both parties. If he is not willing to talk with you, then this where you need couples counseling....to learn to break down those barriers and not be afraid to express wants and needs.....to be able to understand one another without being apprehensive or frustrated. That's why you are in this position now....you both don't communicate.....you nag and he just shuts down.....big fail.

[IndiReloaded]

How. Do I find out what he wants and needs and show I'm interested and care if I don't talk and give him his space. I thought talking and asking questions show I care and helps me find out stuff like for instance I have been asking him if he needs me to pleasure him and a lot of times he says no but evidence shows he did it on his own.

You don't. Don't offer or ask anything. Give. him. space. When he wants something, he'll let you know. You are still in that cycle of nagging -- doormat. Stop trying to engage him.