Really really messed up situation

[WhatsLove]

I know this post may not make me the most popular poster and but I am hoping someone can sympathisize and maybe share some insight into my situation. I'm so reluctant to post something of such a personal nature but here goes....

So for a long time now I've been feeling very confused about my life in particular my love life. The semi-short of the story is I'm married with a kid and I feel like I still haven't gotten over an ex. I haven't even remotely done anything with my ex but I miss her so much. I feel so unsure because of where my relationship with my wife has evolved but the thing is I'm a bit confused if I really love her when I have these feelings for my ex and the circumstances we got married we're a bit pressuresed...no we didn't have our kid first but the gist is that my parents divorced, my father was being abusive with me and I moved in with my wife. I felt like I had nowhere to turn and her religious mother pushed that she would not allow it unless we got married (I know that may be a weak reason to fold) but I was so emotionally confused by that point I feel like I almost convinced myself that I loved just because I didn't have anything else.

With my ex.....the electricity was always there. Its too long to get into but it we had such overwhelming feelings. I found her when she was with a boyfriend of 5 yrs and caused them to break up. The thing is we never settled down because we were in university and she lived on the other end of our state. I wanted her to settledown with me but I wasn't exactly a good boy back in university and may have scared her off from commitment but she just wouldn't call it of because of her and her b/f's history. So anyways, we spent an entire with probably the hardest feeling of crushes for each other and never finalized it because she would go away during the summer. So she went away for a summer and I decided I would move on...found my wife but I have to admit it felt like a rebound. Anyways, my wife demanded that I put her out of my life and given my situation I folded.

Soooo....anyhow I have never stopped thinking of my ex and even before my wedding I had this crazy dream of her begging me not to do it. I told myself its just cold feet and moved on...well I found out from friends of mine that when my ex found out she went crazy and cried right in the middle of a bar and actually moved away across country only 2 wks later (I know its sounds nuts but its true). So now, its been years and I can't stop thinking about her and she's back in my city. I'm kind of romantic in that I somewhat believe she's the one for me but I f^&*ed up everything....I know I'm going on and on but this is really a long riding situation and feel so torn on my life. I don't want to f&*( up my kid's life but is it really better to stay with someone that you don't really believe is the one for you? Plus I always feel like I have one life to live....so I don't want to spend it in the wrong life. I've also heard research that its better when parents split then stay and get ugly....I know I'm self justifying.

Input

(Sorry for the long a$$ post)

[bohemiandonut]

I am not in the position to really give valid advice on how to deal with this situation, but I will say that I am glad you sound more mature than the last poster with this same exact problem.

You know you have a commitment to your wife and your kid, so I think you should make that your top priority. One thing you might not be considering honestly is how likely you are to actually develop a stable relationship with your ex. If she really reacted so explosively to the news of you getting married than it says something about her personality. Why didn't she contact you?

I think you're right about the two sides of the coin in terms of what's best for the kid, but it sounds like you don't really have too much of a problem living with your wife right now. You should post the age of the child involved and more qualified people on here might have some experienced advice. My thoughts are that some people have arranged marriages that work out great in the long run - you sound like you are just revisiting hesitations about marriage you should have settled a looooong time ago. Like, before you were married.

Don't do anything stupid.

[WhatsLove]

Thanks for the reply, I hope more people actually read what I said and share some insight as well. But to reply to yours...No she didn't call me however she (my ex) did comeout and tell me that she loves me (which I didn't even say back to her). But I felt like I was in such a comfort zone. I had no stability in my life and was truely scared to take a gamble again at a relationship that hadn't materialized but I was sure was real. I don't know....I have had so many dreams of her throughout and I feel like I'm robbing my wife but at the same time I feel like I will have ruined her life if I left. I would never abandon my responsibilties, I love my kid too much but.... Now I'm not stupid enough to just make a drasitc move and have my doubts that my ex would even take me back given all thats happened but I still wonder if its morally right to stay with someone out of the feeling of obligation. (My kid is only about 2yrs old btw).

[WhatsLove]

TTT

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[misombra]

i think what you're doing is thinking about the greener grass on the other side.

you may know her but you don't really know her as intimately as you know your wife. your imagination is taking over, and your imagination is just that.

you made a commitment to your wife and child. forget this other person and put your focus toward them. love them more.

[vashti]

It's very common to imagine you would have been happier somewhere else when the stress of having a very young family is on your shoulders. However, I've seen very few people actually improve their life after divorcing. They usually just trade one set of problems for another set of problems.

BTW - it is true that kids do better with divorced parents than ones that are hostile (at east, that's what I've read). But, they do better with two parents who canbe nice to each other. You don't HAVE to be hostile.