Issues with my wife.

[cal dave]

Hello all I'm new here and I'm about to spill my guts so if you feel like reading a sob story I'll give ya one.

My wife and I have been together for the past 8 years and married for the past 3 years. Aboud a year and a half ago she started wanting reach out and connect with more friends. At first I have to admit that it was difficult to deal with since we had pretty much done everything together. It started to seem like she would rather be with her friends that with me. In fact I once called her out on it and asked her the questions straight up, and she said that she would rather I not hang out with her. This really hurt and made me pretty upset. I know that at the time she really loved me and I wanted to find a way that we could both be able to get what we wanted out of the relationship. However she started to rebel against me saying that she didn't care about how what she was doing made me feel because she had lived her life just for me for the past 6 years.

One day, she was on her cell phone and I could tell there was a man's voice on the other side. So I asked her who she was talking to. She said it was her friend Robin. I could not belive what I had heard. I told her Bull***t! I know that is a man's voice. So we had a big ol' fight about that. She claimed that she knew that didn't like this guy that she was talking to so she hid her conversations and meetings with him from me. I trusted her that she was not cheating on me because I could not prove that she was. And I loved her. We started going to counseling to try and reconcile our differences. And we have been living in a state of war ever since.

Our latest skirmish occured when she came back from a long trip. I had missed her while she was gone and I got her some flowers to welcome her back. I was under the impression that her flight would be in at noon and I was expecting a call to let me know that she had landed....I got nothing. I didn't hear from her until 6 pm that night when she sent me a text message telling me she would be home at about 8 pm...WTF? I though to myself. Then when she got home it was as if she didn't give a damn about the flowers I had gotten her or that I missed her. She just wanted to go to bed and get away from me. I understand I was being needy at the time but I got pissed and she didn't want to deal with me, so she left the house. I got even more upset that she left and I went into the garage to hit my punching bag, but the freaking thing broke off the chain. So I went inside and kicked a cabinet. The hinge broke off. I felt bad that I had broken it but I was pissed.

When my wife returned she saw that I had broken the cabinet and started claiming that I was somehow going to hit her! And that she didn't feel safe in the house anymore! What?!?! I have never threatened her in any way and I'm not a violent person in the least. I told her that if she feels that way about me than she should leave. However that is not who I am, and I would think that she would know that about me after 8 years of being together. She started packing all her stuff and has not been back for a month and a half.

We are still going to counselling but now this issues that she is telling the therapist are that she is not sure that she wants to be with me. I know that there is nothing I can do about the way she feels but the pain is difficult to deal with. I know that I can be happy on my own but the whole half way not knowing deal is driving me insane. I know I have painted her in a really negative light but that is my side of the story. I know that deep down she really loves me and no matter what the problem is we can work it out. However I have yet to see her put in what I would call a decent effort to save the marriage.

This whole thing sucks monkey nuts.

Congratulations!! If you made it through all of that you are a real champ! I look forward to hearing your replies but based on the way I painted the picture I'm pretty sure I'm going to get some one sided comments.

Thanks Y'all

[LoveHurts09]

not much we can say really, seems like she doesnt love u anymore but does still care about u just not in the same way, if u love her then u should let her go, it's the best step for both of u even if u have been together for 8 years it's pretty clear u want different things now and if u agree to stay in touch with eachother then who knows what the future holds?

[vashti]

If she is continuing on with the counseling, I think it is unfair for you to say she isn't putting in any effort. "No effort" would have been if she had just packed her bags and gone.

She may or may not want to come home, but I can tell you for sure that there isn't anything you can do to force her home, but if your patience is running out, then I suppose you will have to tell her you are done trying, and you want a divorce.

Do you have children? Is that what has prevented her from leaving already?

[cal dave]

not much we can say really, seems like she doesnt love u anymore but does still care about u just not in the same way, if u love her then u should let her go, it's the best step for both of u even if u have been together for 8 years it's pretty clear u want different things now and if u agree to stay in touch with eachother then who knows what the future holds?

I'm slowly coming to this conclusion, but it is tought to lose someone like this.

[cal dave]

If she is continuing on with the counseling, I think it is unfair for you to say she isn't putting in any effort. "No effort" would have been if she had just packed her bags and gone.

She may or may not want to come home, but I can tell you for sure that there isn't anything you can do to force her home, but if your patience is running out, then I suppose you will have to tell her you are done trying, and you want a divorce.

Do you have children? Is that what has prevented her from leaving already?

Nope, no kids. I truely think she does love me, or else, like you said, she would not be putting in the effort and going to counselling.

[The_bobb]

Nope, no kids. I truely think she does love me, or else, like you said, she would not be putting in the effort and going to counselling.

I don't think she does man... From the post you made, it looks like she's been seeing someone else. I see a horrible lack of trust on her side.

My guess, she LIKES you now. If she LOVED you, she wouldn't be talking or meeting guys and then lieing about it. Furthermore, she wouldn't be disappearing from the airport for 8 hours.

...She just wanted to go to bed and get away from me...

Also, if she loved you, THIS wouldn't have happened.


In conclusion, she doesn't love you anymore. Move on. And stop taking your aggression out on the kitchen.

[vashti]

Are you married, bobb? Because I am, and there HAVE been nights when I wanted to get away from my husband, and I'm pretty sure there have been nights where he wanted to get away from me. That is the way it goes from time to time when you are married. If she had absolutely no feelings for this man, then please explain why she is bothering at all with counseling?

[Gribble]

Counseling would be a good way of throwing him off her trail if she really is cheating or if she's utterly lost all interest and doesn't want to be inconvenienced by having to take care of herself.

[vashti]

...but she isn't living with him any more, or at least that is what I understood, in which case, how is he taking care of her?

[The_bobb]

Yeah ok i'll give you that Vashti... but let me ask, were any of those nights AFTER one of you got back from a long trip? I don't know about you, but i have been on a lot of trips for long periods of time, and i gotta tell ya, the first person i wanted to see was the person i was dating at the time.

And as you JUST said, They aren't living in the same house anymore, she OBVIOUSLY cheating (or atleast looking around). I don't know what relationship you have with your husband, but this doesn't sound healthy to me.

As for the counseling? I think it's just away to put the blame on him. This way she can say "But i tried". When really she's already ended it.

And no i'm not married.

[carl1222]

Are you married, bobb? Because I am, and there HAVE been nights when I wanted to get away from my husband, and I'm pretty sure there have been nights where he wanted to get away from me. That is the way it goes from time to time when you are married. If she had absolutely no feelings for this man, then please explain why she is bothering at all with counseling?

I hear what you are saying, vashti, but I think this goes way beyond that. She may have enough feeling or commitment (or self-interest) to try to keep the marriage together, but to me, this has all the fingerprints of an extramarital affair. Why she wants to stay with him instead of going with the new lover? I don't know. I suspect only she could answer that. Dave, maybe you can help us out here ... describe the guy she was talking to on the phone in terms of boyfriend/husband potential.

Carl.

[Pink68]

Sorry to say I also think she has someone else. I had this happen to me with my ex husband..not wanting to be around, but he refused counseling. We we married for 12 and together for over 16 years. I think she is trying to force you to make the desicion to leave..maybe out of fear or insecurity. Just be glad you don't have children involved...Divorce is never easy but staying in a bad relationship is worse... I know having a long history with someone can make it very difficult to leave but you have the rest of your life ahead of you. Good luck to you....

[vashti]

I agree her behavior is suspicious; I just fail to see what's in it for her to remain married and attend counseling if she is already all hooked up with someone else, doesn't have kids, and doesn't even live with her husband. It doesn't make sense for her to stay married under these circumstances, so there must be some part of this story that is missing.

Is there a financial advantage to staying married for her, cal?

[IndiReloaded]

She claimed that she knew that didn't like this guy that she was talking to so she hid her conversations and meetings with him from me.

I was under the impression that her flight would be in at noon and I was expecting a call to let me know that she had landed....I got nothing. I didn't hear from her until 6 pm that night when she sent me a text message telling me she would be home at about 8 pm...WTF?

Ask your wife to explain each of these things in the counselling session. You will find out some very interesting things when she needs to explain herself in the presence of a third party. Expect her to be furious about it when you get home, tho.

I agree with Carl. I smell a cheater here. You need to meet the guy who is her 'friend' asap if you want to save your marriage. Sorry, and yes, I'm married, together almost 20 years w/my husband. First marriage for both of us, if that helps to know. Good luck hun.

[LadieNisha4u2nv]

Maybe she's putting up with the marriage til she finds a secure relationship to jump into. I also think the attending counseling could be a front. She doesnt sound like she loves him at all anymore.