The Universal Question: Friends or Lovers

[Kaius]

It's a fact.... the female mind is the most complicated puzzle ever created. No man can even begin to understand it. It is the way of life, and we all accept it as is.

I understand this question has been asked a zillion times everywhere. I also understand that the answer depends on the circumstances. My question is more specific, and is aimed towards separated/divorced women in their late 30s.

I started chatting with a lady 2 weeks ago via email. The emails have been light-hearted, rated-G, and very friendly. I am recently separated, parent of 2 small children. She is the same situation. Last week she suggested we meet and have coffee. I said okay. We met and chatted for 2 hours, which felt like 5 minutes. We laughed, and there was no silent moment at all. She nudged me a few times, kicked me a few times, and looked at my face most of the time. I was trying to decipher body language, but I had no clue. She is amazingly beautiful....I mean, pretty would be an understatement. I am just an average looking dude, spare tires and all. For some reason I started feeling self-conscious. I know I shouldn't feel like that because we are just friends. Who cares what I look like right?

We're friends for sure... we enjoy emailing pages and pages every night to each other...Most days we write 2 long emails per day. We do about 30 texts to each other a day since we met. In the last few days, my work schedule has been pressuring me. I've been kinda down, and when I look in the mirror, I feel worse. She sensed my insecurities, and really encouraged me for the last few days. I told her she is the sunlight in my darkness. I dunno...I just said it. She said "thanks for the compliment. " Now when I read her emails, my heart pounds and skips. I think I am beginning to have more than friends feelings, but I am trying to suppress them. Really trying....

She wants to meet saturday night and hangout. I am scared. I worry that I might accidentally express my feelings, and feel like a fool afterwards. Are there any hints that women give to male friends to show their interest? I mean, if she is not interested at all, I am fine....we are pals. But if by chance she likes me that way, I want to know. Do you women ever wonder if a guy is only being friendly or actually like you? Do women invest valuable time in writing LONG personal emails to a buddy they are not interested in?

Confused,

Kaius

[curves222]

Well, while never married and in my mid 30's, this women is so completely and totally interested and enthralled with you that I am surprised you even needed to ask us.

I think men and women can be just friends. I have lots of male friends who I would never be interested in anything more. However, I would NEVER spend that much time e-mailing and texting someone who I only liked as "just friends". Not even close.

Please don't let her looks deter you. She obviously finds you attractive after hanging out with you for two hours and then wanting to hang out with you on Sat. I mean SHE asked YOU out! Sweet! I wouldn't be surprised if she is thinking the same thing. Women often underestimate how they look.

Just be careful, though. With BOTH of you in the separated arena, that is unfortunately a LOT of baggage that you all are carrying.

[Kaius]

Well, we went out on Saturday night. Same location as the first time.... coffee house and conversation. I have to say....unfortunately, I don't think she is interested. I touched her hand...no reaction. I gave her a big hug at the end... no reaction. I seriously think she considers me a good friend. That's it. The long emails continue to come.... texting as usual. Maybe this is her way of treating a friend. I felt kinda hurt saturday night, but I figured you can't force people to like you right? That's the way it is...

I guess it's not so bad having a good friend to hang out with. I mean we have a nice connection, and I would never want to jeopardize it. I just think about her so darn often....it sucks.

[Kaius]

Okay now this is confusing. We continue to email each other a lot, and we enjoy reading each others' thoughts. Last night she wrote about how she is a friendly person overall, and people are disarmed by her. I responded that I feel she is very beautiful indeed, and maybe that's why people are caught off guard.
I also told her that I think of her often.... that's it...I'm honest like that.

So she wrote back this morning a long email explaining that she is not a flirty type and doesn't consider herself pretty at all. It was as if she tried to convince me something... that she is not all that? or that she never used her looks to gain anything? I mean, who cares what I think right? I'm only a friend...and she doesn't have to explain anything to me.

Do you women really value your guy friends' opinion THAT MUCH? I mean, if my female friends think I'm a player, cool! Who cares what they think right? Can this be a hint that she likes me a little, or am I just imagining?

[IndiReloaded]

I think I'd interpret that last message as her looking for reassurance. She's trying to tell you she's not good at 'the game'.

Perhaps her standoffish manner is really shyness? What you interpreted as cold non-responsiveness (re: hand touch & hug) is just a defense mechanism? That's what I would think if someone told me they were bad at flirting and didn't think they were pretty.

Its either that or she is an incredible manipulator, trying to suck you in w/some reverse psych. Your posts don't give me that vibe, tho. She'd have to be incredibly calculating, and I'm reading her actions as insecure and authentic. I'd say she likes you, but doesn't know how to express it.

Be more aggressive in your admiration of her. She will respond, I think. Good luck.

[SammyLC]

You talk about the complexities of a woman's mind but going by your angst and over thinking I think men possess complex thinking also. It's difficult to gage whether she likes you as a good friend or wants a relationship with you so the only way to find out is to ask her whether she would like to date you with the intention of it leading to a relationship. Obviously you will say it in a way that's natural to you but it's better to ascertain the situation now before you fall in love with her.

[Kaius]

So she texted me yesterday asking why I go to bed so late (email time stamp). I told her I think a lot...about stuff. She kinda began digging, and I was trapped. I told her I might kick myself later, but I'd rather be honest about stuff. So I spewed it out.... told her I really liked her.... and I thought about her all the time. She said she was surprised I never showed any interest. She also said it's too complicated for 2 newly separated people to date. So I guess she wants to be friends....which is cool by me. I was afraid things would get weird, but today she became really mushy.... like very caring and everything. I think she felt a little bad, and wanted to make sure I still wanted to be friends. I actually think this is a positive move. She is smart and practical....knowing that neither of us is divorced yet....and we have kids.... I think she really talked some sense into me. I'm not sour grapes or anything, but I honestly think she made the right decision, and spared me heartaches later.