60 day he-tox

[vashti]

She's just left her husband, but she's attractive enough. She can find her own man. It's not hard to find one who will sleep with you.

[Hotaru]

She's just left her husband, but she's attractive enough. She can find her own man. It's not hard to find one who will sleep with you.

Especially not when you're begging for it, what trash!

Did she leave her husband or did he finally wake up and smell the slut?

[vashti]

Especially not when you're begging for it, what trash!

Did she leave her husband or did he finally wake up and smell the slut?

I don't know... we aren't friends, really. I don't know what happened to her marriage.


I had drinks with an old friend tonight (male). He said the biggest mistake women make after divorce is to try to recreate the life they once had, whe it isn't at all possible. He said he's celibate now for 3 years, after 15 years of being "predatory" (his words) against women. He's a handsome guy, and it seems so odd that he has given up, though he seems to be okay with it. Maybe that is where I need to be?

[HeartIsAching]

No, not maybe.

You need to be ok with yourself... you need to be ok BY yourself. Rediscover what you like about yourself, re-learn to like yourself. Then you're ready to share that with someone who likes who you are as well (and not an unrealistic idea of what he thinks you are) and someone who you like simply for who they are.

[haxan]

I am finishing up day 8, and I still feel like shit.

A mid-level boss at my work has been "jokingly" asking me to set her up with Ivan when I am done with him (routinely, for the last year!). She has even asked me if he is good in bed! I can't even tell her I have cut things off, because I don't want to be harassed about it. I can't believe how predatory some women are.

In general I've found single women 40+ to be very forward and aggressive in going after what they want. It's just the shift of availability. As the years go by the number of desirable men who are available are in far less supply than the number of available desirable women who are looking for them.

I have single male friends in that age group who I don't even consider attractive that have long lists of women who they date, and the women are quite attractive.

Payback for guys having to constantly chase tail in their teens and 20's I guess.

[Hotaru]

I don't know... we aren't friends, really. I don't know what happened to her marriage.

Haha, I was just being snarky, she seems nasty.

In general I've found single women 40+ to be very forward and aggressive in going after what they want. It's just the shift of availability. As the years go by the number of desirable men who are available are in far less supply than the number of available desirable women who are looking for them.

I have single male friends in that age group who I don't even consider attractive that have long lists of women who they date, and the women are quite attractive.

Payback for guys having to constantly chase tail in their teens and 20's I guess.

I don't know about this. When this woman got divorced, so did her husband so that is one male and one female back on the market.

I think it's because women are "supposed" to be married whereas if a man isn't married, it's not as big of a deal. It's always been this way. It used to be that if a woman in her mid 20's wasn't married, she was practically considered a lost cause.

[vashti]

In general I've found single women 40+ to be very forward and aggressive in going after what they want. It's just the shift of availability. As the years go by the number of desirable men who are available are in far less supply than the number of available desirable women who are looking for them.

I have single male friends in that age group who I don't even consider attractive that have long lists of women who they date, and the women are quite attractive.

Payback for guys having to constantly chase tail in their teens and 20's I guess.

Your post make me want to be a lesbian. lol
I'm no good at being forward or aggressive.

I think my friend's point was that men in this age range aren't really looking to re-create the type of "family" life they had when they were younger, and they become quite content to be alone and loveless, seeking pleasure only through sex (or giving it up all together), whereas women (generally) still feel the need to be connected to (and love) one man.

I dislike the idea of having to adopt the mindset that I shouldn't hope to love again. It seems bitter and harsh, but maybe that is the reality?

You need to be ok with yourself... you need to be ok BY yourself.

of course, this is correct, but being okay by yourself isn't the same as flourishing with someone else.

[Call Me Maybe]

of course, this is correct, but being okay by yourself isn't the same as flourishing with someone else.

I believe what HeartIsAching is saying is that you come across as someone who lost their identity when they separated from their partner. You're drifting through life. You need to be content with yourself before you can be content in a relationship. Otherwise, you will find yourself in the same predicament again and again

[haxan]

I don't know about this. When this woman got divorced, so did her husband so that is one male and one female back on the market.

Hmm, in numbers yes, but I'm talking about the attractiveness of the person who is newly single. Emotionally and professionally, as well as physically. Of course there's no stats to really bear this out, but I work in a male dominated field and am out in the public eye. I know very few men that are 40+ and have a lot going on (very physically attractive, solid careers, their shit together) that are single. They almost always are married or taken in an LTR.

The single guys in this age group seem to be the dumpy guys who never got payed much attention through their 20's and 30's, or the lifelong bachelor who scares women away after the first date.

Women that I meet in this age group that are single, seem to have much more to offer physically and otherwise. The downside of that is that the pickings they have are slim, and the competition is heavy. Like I said, I know guys who fit the dumpy mold who are picking and choosing from very attractive, professional women in around 40-50.

Maybe it's just my take on it, but I was also talking to a divorced female in her early 40's recently. Very cute, great bod, very accomplished career and a super sweet woman. She told me that the pickins' so to speak are slim to none. Sad part is, I don't even know anyone to hook her up with.

[haxan]

Your post make me want to be a lesbian. lol
I'm no good at being forward or aggressive.

I dislike the idea of having to adopt the mindset that I shouldn't hope to love again. It seems bitter and harsh, but maybe that is the reality?

I don't think it's worth being treated less than you deserve though, just to have a relationship.

The only thing I can say is just don't settle. If you happen to find the right one, it will be great, but keep your standards as high as you always would. Don't let yourself be treated like crap, or date some dumpy guy, just to have a date.

Be yourself

[IndiReloaded]

The single guys in this age group seem to be the dumpy guys who never got payed much attention through their 20's and 30's, or the lifelong bachelor who scares women away after the first date.

Or the damaged ones the women who married them finally decided to dump. Caveat emptor to the younger women these men go after. Or perhaps the women who are still with these men made better choices. Or they simply decided to 'make due' for fear of being alone.

Women that I meet in this age group that are single, seem to have much more to offer physically and otherwise. The downside of that is that the pickings they have are slim, and the competition is heavy.
Maybe it's just my take on it, but I was also talking to a divorced female in her early 40's recently. Very cute, great bod, very accomplished career and a super sweet woman. She told me that the pickins' so to speak are slim to none. Sad part is, I don't even know anyone to hook her up with.

I can totally see this. The women I know who go back on the market mid-life have generally done so b/c they have improved themselves beyond the men they previously were with. Not much chance for the men of that age if they aren't up to the woman's standard. Its an interesting dilemma. Perhaps men should just be regarded as training for young women re: self-improvement.

[IndiReloaded]

I don't think it's worth being treated less than you deserve though, just to have a relationship.

The only thing I can say is just don't settle. If you happen to find the right one, it will be great, but keep your standards as high as you always would. Don't let yourself be treated like crap, or date some dumpy guy, just to have a date.

Be yourself

I completely agree with this. Fact is, there are still many, many single people. It may be harder to connect, but they are still there.

[Hotaru]

@haxan Maybe I'm missing something - it's possible, it's late and I'm still sick so meh - but these hot, successful women...who were they married to before? If we're going with this whole dumpy men, sexy women, guys who didn't get it young setup...the dumpy guys didn't get attention early in life right? So this hot woman likely married a hot man, didn't she? So when the hot woman splits up with the hot guy, two attractive people are on the market. Or are we saying that the dumpy guy didn't get attention young but the sexy woman still married the dumpy guy somehow and is still dating dumpy guys after the divorce, too? =/

[fearoflove]

What Haxan is saying doesn't sound right. Maybe the female/male ratio at wherever he lives is much higher for females than males. Or, the males have the choice of dating females his age and younger women so that is why he has more choices. Whereas older women don't want to date younger guys.

[vashti]

What Haxan is saying doesn't sound right.

It sounds pretty accurate for where I live. There are a lot of attractive, successful single women in their 40s where I live (and lots of plastic surgery, lol). The men who are available (that I have run across) are either dumpy (the majority) or players, and yes, they are looking for younger women (though they don't seem to be adverse to dating a woman their own age if she is well-preserved), and don't seem to have any real interest in forming exclusive relationships. They are able to have the vast majority of their needs met without actually loving a single woman. They are able to separate sex from love, which is where I think the biggest difference is between (most) men and (most) women.

I realize that there must be exceptions, of course.

My celibate male friend says he thinks I will be happier if I can evolve to the point where I can separate sex and love, but a lifetime of casual sex sounds lonely to me.