I Miss My Wife

[IndiReloaded]

We need to teach them that the self is important (you can't do or be anything for anyone if you don't look after yourself) and that relationships take work and balance. How can we teach them that if we are putting them before everything else? Can't things be of equal priority? Can I not put my self, my son and my husband on the same pedestal?

Agree. But what is "self"? Does it mean "selfish"? Doing what ever one pleases no matter who it hurts? How about the satisfaction that comes from a job well done, fulfilling one's responsibilities and obligations (even enjoying it!), and reaping the benefits of commitment to..... [insert value of meaning here].

BTW, I very much acknowledge human error. In fact, it factors into everything I think about and do.

@ HIA -- I'm not sure if this is a pattern for you or not. You mention a grown up son as well. If I'm wrong and you have an excellent relationship with all your children then I truly am sorry for derailing your thread. I could be completely wrong, or completely right. Tho, as with most things I suspect the truth is somewhere in the middle. FWIW, I am aware you aren't the only one reading this thread. I hope you are aware of this also. Thanks for letting me post these concepts in your thread.

[MaidenMinx]

So if I can sum up, your attitude boils down to "do or do not. There is no try"? Please correct me if I am wrong.

I do agree that as a society we are falling into a pattern of rewarding mediocrity and that is a poor way to push for people to improve themselves.

Also, would I be right in taking from that all that your biggest issue with HIAs approach and of those like him is being congratulated for mediocrity? (no offence HIA) For accepting this mediocrity and not striving to change it? For allowing life to happen around him? (Ok I think I went a bit nuts with the paraphrasing)

If so, what is your biggest worry for his son?

If I'm well off the mark, please set me right.

[HeartIsAching]

Agree. But what is "self"? Does it mean "selfish"? Doing what ever one pleases no matter who it hurts? How about the satisfaction that comes from a job well done, fulfilling one's responsibilities and obligations (even enjoying it!), and reaping the benefits of commitment to..... [insert value of meaning here].

BTW, I very much acknowledge human error. In fact, it factors into everything I think about and do.

@ HIA -- I'm not sure if this is a pattern for you or not. You mention a grown up son as well. If I'm wrong and you have an excellent relationship with all your children then I truly am sorry for derailing your thread. I could be completely wrong, or completely right. Tho, as with most things I suspect the truth is somewhere in the middle. FWIW, I am completely aware you aren't the only one reading this thread. I hope you are aware of this also. Thanks for letting me post these concepts in your thread.

I had a rocky relationship with my older son for a few years due to some things that his mother did, and I kept the truth to myself to try and avoid damaging his relationship with his mother. He's since learned the truth and when he gets out of the Army in a couple of months, he's planning to come and stay with my wife and I, at least for a while.

[MaidenMinx]

Agree. But what is "self"? Does it mean "selfish"? Doing what ever one pleases no matter who it hurts? How about the satisfaction that comes from a job well done, fulfilling one's responsibilities and obligations (even enjoying it!), and reaping the benefits of commitment to..... [insert value of meaning here].

BTW, I very much acknowledge human error. In fact, it factors into everything I think about and do.

@ HIA -- I'm not sure if this is a pattern for you or not. You mention a grown up son as well. If I'm wrong and you have an excellent relationship with all your children then I truly am sorry for derailing your thread. I could be completely wrong, or completely right. Tho, as with most things I suspect the truth is somewhere in the middle. FWIW, I am aware you aren't the only one reading this thread. I hope you are aware of this also. Thanks for letting me post these concepts in your thread.

Yes, thank you HIA for letting every one express their opinions and discuss them. I have actually thoroughly enjoyed this thread.

Indi, there is a very fine line between putting the ones self first and selfishness and like everything else in life it is all about balance. Just like trying to lead a life that focuses on happiness without treading on anyone else to achieve it.

It sounds to me like you are lucky enough to have found your balance.

[IndiReloaded]

So if I can sum up, your attitude boils down to "do or do not. There is no try"? Please correct me if I am wrong.

There is try, but only as a means to an end. Effort in a vacuum is meaningless. If that is what your quote means, then yes, I agree.

I do agree that as a society we are falling into a pattern of rewarding mediocrity and that is a poor way to push for people to improve themselves. Also, would I be right in taking from that all that your biggest issue with HIAs approach and of those like him is being congratulated for mediocrity? (no offence HIA) For accepting this mediocrity and not striving to change it?

Yes, I would agree with this as well. With the unfortunate outcome being that HIAs son will only know mediocrity and not what is best. There is time to change his situation but only if HIA (and his ex-partner) decide now to make this commitment. They both need to work together to make this happen.

As for your situation, again, I don't say that parents should sacrifice everything for their children. That, I agree is unhealthy. In your case, you MUST care for yourself in order to care for your child. So, by those optics, that absolutely is the best situation for your son.

I am repeating myself, but seeing one's young child (6 or 7 year old) once a month is NOT the best for that child. Those who mention Skype, etc are just being stupid. You can't hug your kids with Skype or sit with him to read him a bedtime story, or clean his scrapes.... if Skype is a joke here on Love Forum for maintaining long-term relationships, then its a complete farce for trying to parent with. Also, HIA said "his son could call HIM".... any parent knows no 6-7 year old does this comfortably. Interesting choice of words. Don't you think the onus should be on HIA to contact his son frequently? Distinctly odd set of values.

[IndiReloaded]

It sounds to me like you are lucky enough to have found your balance.

:sigh: I keep saying: its NOT luck. Really, its not.

Anyway, I have my own family to tend to. Cheers all.

[HeartIsAching]

There is try, but only as a means to an end. Effort in a vacuum is meaningless. If that is what your quote means, then yes, I agree.



Yes, I would agree with this as well. With the unfortunate outcome being that HIAs son will only know mediocrity and not what is best. There is time to change his situation but only if HIA (and his ex-partner) decide now to make this commitment. They both need to work together to make this happen.

As for your situation, again, I don't say that parents should sacrifice everything for their children. That, I agree is unhealthy. In your case, you MUST care for yourself in order to care for your child. So, by those optics, that absolutely is the best situation for your son.

I am repeating myself, but seeing one's young child (6 or 7 year old) once a month is NOT the best for that child. Those who mention Skype, etc are just being stupid. You can't hug your kids with Skype or sit with him to read him a bedtime story, or clean his scrapes.... if Skype is a joke here on Love Forum for maintaining long-term relationships, then its a complete farce for trying to parent with. Also, HIA said "his son could call HIM".... any parent knows no 6-7 year old does this comfortably. Interesting choice of words. Don't you think the onus should be on HIA to contact his son frequently? Distinctly odd set of values.

You're reading too much into that. I do call him. But he knows he can call me as well. As so many children his age are these days, he's quite comfortable with technology. I got him a desktop computer when he was four, at his request. He was quite proud when I told him that his computer was better than mine, lol.

Anyhow, he's got access to his mom's cell whenever he wants it, and does use it, and I call him too.