hes been texting another woman but swears he didnt cheat. been together 11 years

[josie33]

i know he didnt c her after the arguments

[Wakeup]

i know he didnt c her after the arguments

Stop listening to people who post like what they say is gospel. Things like "get couples counselling is advice. "while he pretends he's fully commits whilst secretly thinking of her and possilby still cheating, lying:" is pure speculation and paranoia.

Coming here about this situation is not helping you. Not when you hear what you want and not when you hear what you don't want. It's really not. I've suggested this before and I suggest it again. Stay away from this thread and concentrate on making your own decision within the privacy of your union.
Anything less, Imo, and you're not doing your attempts at reconciling justice.

[josie33]

and i value ur advice. i just asked for ur opinion. now u r just angry with me when i am asking for your help and honest opinion. its like u said earlier. his is like counciling to me. wu i respect what u have to say. im just scared. scared of giving it up n scared of being walked over agen in however many weeks/months. ive never been in a situation like his before. my whole world has been turned upside down. i want our old life back. i want this to have never happened. but equally i cannot go through this again. i only asked for ur opinion n help.

[Wakeup]

Yes, luv and I'm just giving it. Of course you're scared and coming here and hearing even more things that make you even more scared and angst ridden
isn't doing anything to help you become more calm and able to think rationally. You have to take things one day at a time now and when you do that, you'll see if he's being shady, you'll be able to tell he's hiding something because your looking sharply for any inconsistancies or shady behaviour so worry about it if he's being shady, not now while he's not.

You actually only have two choices:

1) You take things one day at a time while he continues to show you that he is trying to remain NO contact with her and get your relationship back on track With or without councelling (councelling recommended)
or:
2) You leave now and get on with mourning the end of the relationship while slowly (but eventually) becoming accustomed to him not being in your life any more.

Adding:

im just scared. scared of giving it up n scared of being walked over agen in however many weeks/months. ive never been in a situation like his before. my whole world has been turned upside down. i want our old life back. i want this to have never happened. but equally i cannot go through this again.

Tell him just that, josie. You'd do better then just telling us.

[josie33]

so u think what happened today was me being ott?that i shd be pleased he showed me the txt, said he wanted to speak to her to make it clear n find out why she had. u think i shd nt be concerned that he txt her that weekend? im being paranoid?

[josie33]

pls answer honestly

[TablesandChairs]

It would be impossible anyone here to tell you what happened - we don't know him or the nature of his involvement with her. Neither do you - but you have the benefit of having known this man for 11 years.

Not everyone is capable of forgiveness so you have to ask this of yourself. Are you capable? You're stuck on 'did he, didn't he?' but if he says he didn't, what else can you do? Either walk away or stay and work towards improvement. You only have two choices.

The deterioration of a long term relationship is seldom a one way street - but when one partner does something really wrong, then it's easy to purely focus on that when there are probably a number of contributing factors and fault, had it not been for the implied affair, would have rested on both your shoulders.

Forgiveness isn't easy but if that's what you're trying to do, you're not doing it right. Tell him what you expect; zero contact with her. A commitment to couples counselling. A commitment to honest, truthful communication. A commitment towards improving what you have. If he fails, then you can weigh up your options.

[michelle23]

Josie do you want to try and make this work or not? Its your choice.

If yes, he needs to be honest with you and you need to tell him that. Did you show him the link I provided last week about honest communication? No more lies.

If he is still lying then you are just going round and round in circles and you will be stuck in limbo feeling miserable and full of doubt the longer you allow yourself to stay in this situation.

If it were me, I would leave. I'm not saying you should but I think if you want any chance to make your relationship work again then he needs to experience life without you and realize how much he loves and misses you and then he has to work hard to win you back. Right now you are just giving him permission to take you for granted coz there hasn't been any real consequences to his bad behavior and he will do it again unless he knows that you will not tolerate this.

If he has to live without you for a month or two and work hard to win you back then he will never take you for granted again. On the other hand you run the risk of him running to her if you ask him to leave but at least then you will know for sure that hes not worth it if he does go back to her.

[Wakeup]

so u think what happened today was me being ott?that i shd be pleased he showed me the txt, said he wanted to speak to her to make it clear n find out why she had. u think i shd nt be concerned that he txt her that weekend? im being paranoid?

IMO... showing you her text was his way of showing you that he's not hiding anything however; I don't think he should talk to her again unless it's in front of you and it's to say, "Don't send me anymore texts, no more communication. Period."

Forget about anything prior to him coming back and you deciding that he should and that you will work on getting back the emotional disconnect that has occurred. You're to be looking forward, not behind, not trying to find anymore lies about that weekend. Concentrate on his behaviour NOW if you want even a chance for this to work thats what you do from now on. You may have some questions about what they got into or why he let himself become vulnerable to her which he should gladly answer (print out that link and have it handy in case he gets frustrated with your questions so you can show him he needs to be patient) other then that... don't be looking in the rear-view mirror anymore. Looking forward and healing together is what needs to be done if you're going to stay with him.

[smackie9]

Emotional affairs are very aluring, and can be down right addictive. When you are in that deep it is very difficult to just shut it off. Not only was he lying to you but he was lying to himself that he can do this.

It's going to be a very difficult road for him to give this up. It's made even harder because he works with her and she isn't willing to give up. Don't expect miracles, him letting go is going to take time. There might be a few moments of weakness to deal with, but you will have to be vigilant, have some patience, open communication, and express your feelings. He needs to know the damage that it is done, and he has to realize that he has a long road in regaining your trust.

[stilldoubting]

When the trust breaks, its so hard to get it back. Im a mess, cant sleep, barely eating, cant concentrate at work, stomach upset, had thoughts of hurting myself, depressed, stressed,paranoia, anxiety, panick attacks, nightmares and i dont even have proof. I just suspect something. If i did have proof like you do, i would start packing.

Im sorry this happened to you. I hope you will be okay. Xoxo

[Wakeup]

... *snipped* ...

[josie33]

...snipped?

[michelle23]

^^ It means she wrote something but then decided to delete it.

[josie33]

so thngs have been going well. hes been using phone in plain sight. not late home etc. turns phone on/off in front of me except on one ocassion at weekend as he said he forgot n turned off although dnt think he wd havr had time to do nething. this morn though i noticed on internet hist there was microsoft translator - the person he was seeing was not english. the link is broken - the page no longer exists e.g old. makes me wonder if he did look up translators or if the page was opened by a diff site? he was looking up voucher codes yesterday n they do churn up some junk. do i confront him? he was on pc when i got home doing shopping. his phone was still off.