Part 2

[lesa]

And if that were to happen, I would gladly walk away.

I've said it before. I won't be second fiddle. If she broke up with me to date someone else, I'll walk away and will have no problems moving on.

You are already second fiddle...in a different way. It's not her depression, it's probably not her family completely. It's mostly her. She must be getting some type of enjoyment on this situation. She's not even sad or dealing with personally development when it comes to this relationship. DRAMA DRAMA DRAMA DRAMA DRAMA DRAMA DRAMA....and she's the queen! Does she want you to go over there and beat her up?

[Cain]

Why are you with her if you two seem so incompatible in this regards? Were you hoping that she make a change or you make a change? You said that you would have stopped with the video gaming and given her more attention if she had communicated. Why are you expecting her to change that aspect of you through communication? Obviously that is a normal part of you are else you would not have done it.

You guys are NOT compatible...but feel free to stay together and work on it.

Plus, like everyone else said, she is giving you a 'gentle breakup'. You won't know that until months, or years later when you gain those experiences Misombra was talking about.

Because the games were eating away at more than just my time with her. They were eating away at my social life and my schoolwork as well. THAT'S why I can and want to change that.

If there's something that I do that she doesn't like, it's up to me to decide if it's worth changing for her. The same with her. If there's something that I can't deal with, it's up to her to change or not.

Maybe I am ****ing blind and one day I'll look back and realize how stupid I was for not listening to the "gentle breakup" crowd. And if she really is giving me just some "gentle breakup," she's an idiot... because I've given her every opportunity to make this breakup more complete without her having to be mean at all.

[Cain]

You are already second fiddle...in a different way. It's not her depression, it's probably not her family completely. It's mostly her. She must be getting some type of enjoyment on this situation. She's not even sad or dealing with personally development when it comes to this relationship. DRAMA DRAMA DRAMA DRAMA DRAMA DRAMA DRAMA....and she's the queen! Does she want you to go over there and beat her up?

I don't know what else to say.

You all can look at me and call me pathetic and stupid. I really don't even care anymore. I'm going to see what happens with this.

When I know that we're done for good, I'll move on.

[lesa]

It would depend on what the incompatibilities are.

She believing in fate and you not seems to be a major compatibility issue for you. Am I making the wrong assumption? Also, the way she 'deals' with WHATEVER it is she is dealing with seems to conflict on how you would handle things.

If there's something that I do that she doesn't like, it's up to me to decide if it's worth changing for her. The same with her. If there's something that I can't deal with, it's up to her to change or not.

That's great that you want to change a behavior because you feel there needs to be a change. However, it is NOT up to her to change if YOU have an issue with any of her beliefs, values, judgments, lifestyle, behavior, or whatever. She can change if SHE WANTS but it's up to you to decide whether you want to deal with her the way she is or not....and not the other way around. See how she decided that she cannot deal with you the way you are now? But you are willing to change and she seems to have a 'wait and see' fate attitude about it. Will you do the same for her or will you just deal with her as is…pretend she will never change.

Also, IMO, I would like to give the newbies a break. They may come in here expecting a certain response…it’s true and it’s human nature. I like to give them a little understanding. They will learn eventually. We all will. Don’t you agree?

[Cain]

She believing in fate and you not seems to be a major compatibility issue for you. Am I making the wrong assumption? Also, the way she 'deals' with WHATEVER it is she is dealing with seems to conflict on how you would handle things.

The only time that her believing in fate has bothered me is now, and it's only because she and I are going to be waiting a while to see what happens. Maybe it was for the best anyways. Maybe we needed to be apart for a few months to see how we really felt.

That's great that you want to change a behavior because you feel there needs to be a change. However, it is NOT up to her to change if YOU have an issue with any of her beliefs, values, judgments, lifestyle, behavior, or whatever. She can change if SHE WANTS but it's up to you to decide whether you want to deal with her the way she is or not....and not the other way around. See how she decided that she cannot deal with you the way you are now? But you are willing to change and she seems to have a 'wait and see' fate attitude about it. Will you do the same for her or will you just deal with her as is…pretend she will never change.

It is most certainly her decision on whether she wants to change or not if something is bothering me. You must have misread my post, because I was saying that if there was something about her that I didn't like, it's up to her to decide to change or not or me to decide whether it's worth staying in the relationship. The same for her.

The issue that I have is that if there's something she wants me to change and I don't mind changing it, she needs to tell me before we break up. I won't keep doing this break up/get back together thing. And if we do decide to get back together in the future, this will be something we talk about.

[misombra]

you say you'd change it cain, but i don't think you would.

for example, us here at lf advised you that it was best to leave her alone for a little while in the first place and not pester her. yet you kept on.

[lesa]

It is most certainly her decision on whether she wants to change or not if something is bothering me. You must have misread my post, because I was saying that if there was something about her that I didn't like, it's up to her to decide to change or not or me to decide whether it's worth staying in the relationship. The same for her.

The issue that I have is that if there's something she wants me to change and I don't mind changing it, she needs to tell me before we break up. I won't keep doing this break up/get back together thing. And if we do decide to get back together in the future, this will be something we talk about.

No, I did not misread. It's up to her to decide if she is willing to stay with you as is....it's not up to her to pick you apart until you become her 'dream man' and vice versa.

I understand compromising (such as who does what with the household, expenses, etc) for a relationship...but this is not the type of compromising that I believe should be expected. She should NOT feel obligated to pick you apart until you become what she desires...and the same for you.

If this is her way of hoping that you become her dream man then she is not realistic and it's wrong for her to manipulate you that way.

[Cain]

you say you'd change it cain, but i don't think you would.

for example, us here at lf advised you that it was best to leave her alone for a little while in the first place and not pester her. yet you kept on.

Must we keep going through this?

Yes, I decided after nearly two weeks that I was going to ask her what the reasons were.

Should I have done things a little differently for the first two weeks? Sure. I'm sure you've been unable to act the way you wanted to because of your emotions.

And how am I not going to change? I had already begun to stop dealing with computer games some time before the break up.. it was just after our last visit so she didn't see it. I haven't played them since. I've already changed that. I've already started study plans and course schedules to help me get back to focusing on class. I've already worked out my gym schedule so I know what my times will be for that.

Thanks for the faith in changing.

[Cain]

No, I did not misread. It's up to her to decide if she is willing to stay with you as is....it's not up to her to pick you apart until you become her 'dream man' and vice versa.

I understand compromising (such as who does what with the household, expenses, etc) for a relationship...but this is not the type of compromising that I believe should be expected. She should NOT feel obligated to pick you apart until you become what she desires...and the same for you.

If this is her way of hoping that you become her dream man then she is not realistic and it's wrong for her to manipulate you that way.

I'm not expecting to change every aspect of myself. The ONLY things I'm changing are the things that I WANT to change for the better of myself. That's it. I'm not going to change everything.

[misombra]

Must we keep going through this?

Yes, I decided after nearly two weeks that I was going to ask her what the reasons were.

Should I have done things a little differently for the first two weeks? Sure. I'm sure you've been unable to act the way you wanted to because of your emotions.

And how am I not going to change? I had already begun to stop dealing with computer games some time before the break up.. it was just after our last visit so she didn't see it. I haven't played them since. I've already changed that. I've already started study plans and course schedules to help me get back to focusing on class. I've already worked out my gym schedule so I know what my times will be for that.

Thanks for the faith in changing.

that's good. work on improving yourself for you.

my crystal ball says this girl is gone.

[ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bxSScQTvrRw"]YouTube - Bob Marley - She's Gone[/ame]

[lesa]

Must we keep going through this?

Yes, I decided after nearly two weeks that I was going to ask her what the reasons were.

Should I have done things a little differently for the first two weeks? Sure. I'm sure you've been unable to act the way you wanted to because of your emotions.

And how am I not going to change? I had already begun to stop dealing with computer games some time before the break up.. it was just after our last visit so she didn't see it. I haven't played them since. I've already changed that. I've already started study plans and course schedules to help me get back to focusing on class. I've already worked out my gym schedule so I know what my times will be for that.

Thanks for the faith in changing.

Hmmm after seeing this post, I wonder if she is doing this for your own benefit? Maybe she wants you to concentrate on your goals without her interfering. Maybe she felt that you were too attached to her loving.

[Cain]

Hmmm after seeing this post, I wonder if she is doing this for your own benefit? Maybe she wants you to concentrate on your goals without her interfering. Maybe she felt that you were too attached to her loving.

I don't think so.

She appeared as attached to me as I was to her, if not more.

[Cain]

that's good. work on improving yourself for you.

my crystal ball says this girl is gone.

Well, I hope you don't mind if I don't listen to your crystal ball.

If it turns out that she and I are done for good, then that's the way it's going to be.

But I'm going to watch for myself.

[lesa]

When you guys get back together are you fine if she doesn't change anything about herself?

[lesa]

I don't think so.

She appeared as attached to me as I was to her, if not more.

Now you know. Plus, she could still be doing it for your own benefit..whether she's attached to you or not.