Hatred

[Asparagoose]

what happened? was there another guy?

It sounds like it right? Sounds too sudden and unexpected. I think Cain could be needlessly looking back and thinking of all the things he did wrong. I think she just feel in lust and fed him some BS story to break things off and hook up with an other guy.

[misombra]

it's a classic story.

[Cain]

You guys are being morons. So it's her fault he chose to be so persistent and continue with the relationship, red flag after red flag? Don't tell me there weren't red flags, I just might go back through each of his little stories and point out each one of them. Better yet, I recognize the red flags, if you don't, YOU should go back and look for them.

But you know what, it's not ****ing important. This relationship - not important at all, for what it's worth. No Frasbee, not "look within yourself" bullshit; rather, preparing yourself for the next time.

Anger, it doesn't help a damn thing. You're not innocent, you have no right to be angry. You can be disappointed, upset that things did not turn out the way you would have liked, but you have no right to throw blame around, or any of that kiddie bullshit. Agreed, we all have those moments where we lose our mind, but you've gone way over the top, with your drinking, your depression, hatred, and all this shit. Can you wipe your ass, dude?

The outcome of this relationship turns out to be in your favor, whether you choose to believe that or not. That girl - completely dumb bitch, I've been saying that and thinking that for quite a while, as well as other people. If you can get your shit together, you can meet a better girl, even tomorrow if you want. So why the hell should you be angry?

I've (honestly) been there before, so take my straightforward, harsh advice. If not, okay, keep falling flat on your face; you're welcome to think I am some full-of-shit college student, if you like, but I still stand by my words.

I know that one day I will find someone better than her. And there will always be someone better than the new girl too. And someone better than the next... and the next... and the next...

Go ahead and pick through my posts and find the red flags. I encourage it because apparently I'm too stupid to recognize them. Things keep changing every time we talk. Reasons change. They aren't consistent. If they were, maybe I'd be able to see these "signs."

She says that distance wasn't that big of a deal and it's something she could get through but then some time later she tells me that she needs to be with someone closer. Most of her reasons are just BS. Maybe they did bother her, but it's HER fault that she didn't communicate them. I don't care what you say... communication is important to any relationship. Without it, all relationships would fail.

[Cain]

Grief is for people who have lost. Cain has not lost... just thinks he has. He needs a little time to realize this. And he won't find it at the bottom of a bottle, or in the cracks of kicked-in concrete, or hatred in and of itself.

Who are you to tell me how to handle my emotions? You don't grieve over a failed relationship? Yeah, I have lost. I lost the woman that I was in love with and all of the memories we had attached to it. Grief isn't associated only with death.

I drink once every few days... just enough to get a nice buzz... because I like it. You act like I get wasted every night.

And like I've said, I can feel whatever emotion I want to. I'd rather be angry than sad. You say that I shouldn't be sad, but I'm going to feel some kind of emotion.

[Cain]

It doesnt seem like you want to get over this chick if this thread is still continuing.

I just need to vent. Everyone needs to vent sometimes.

[Cain]

what happened? was there another guy?

It sounds like it right? Sounds too sudden and unexpected. I think Cain could be needlessly looking back and thinking of all the things he did wrong. I think she just feel in lust and fed him some BS story to break things off and hook up with an other guy.

it's a classic story.

Her status is that she's "in a relationship," but according to her she doesn't know where they are. She also claims that the break up has nothing to do with him. She claims that she lost the feelings she had for me and then things happened with him. I think that's a little coincidental. I don't believe that she cheated on me, but looking back I do believe that this guy might have been a reason for the break up.

She says that the distance didn't bother her and that she could have gotten through it, but then yesterday she told me that she needed someone closer. If you remember, her parents also didn't approve of how we met. She told me before that it didn't matter to her and they would have to learn to accept it because I was going to be in her life forever. And then yesterday she told me that her parent's opinion means a lot to her. She's full of inconsistencies.

I think that the distance was a big thing. I think it bothered her more than she realized. I think that with the stress of her parent's not accepting it, she happened to run into this friend of hers and she realized that he could make her happy and she wouldn't have to deal with the distance and her parent's disapproval.

She claims that her losing her feelings for me was gradual and that it didn't just happen overnight like it seemed, but that she was in denial and so she didn't show it, hoping everything would come back. I'm not too sure if I really believe that. She won't let me see her, which could be because she wants nothing to do with me, or that she doesn't want it to complicate things with this guy, or because it will bring back feelings that she's trying to squash.

We can't do the distance. I think that if we ever did get back together some time in the future, it would be after we were both done with school. Maybe it will take her getting her heart broken to realize what she had too.

[anachronistic]

Who are you to tell me how to handle my emotions? You don't grieve over a failed relationship? Yeah, I have lost. I lost the woman that I was in love with and all of the memories we had attached to it. Grief isn't associated only with death.

I drink once every few days... just enough to get a nice buzz... because I like it. You act like I get wasted every night.

And like I've said, I can feel whatever emotion I want to. I'd rather be angry than sad. You say that I shouldn't be sad, but I'm going to feel some kind of emotion.

Go ahead and feel however you want! Feel free to even dye your hair black and go emo for all I care. The nuthuggers will wear you out, though, the same way you will get sick of your idiotic behavior.

Is it necessarily a failed relationship, or is it a successful continuation with your life? My point was, you have not lost, but you have gained. There is no such thing as loss; it's fabricated out of those stupid emotions we have.

So go ahead and be a big baby about it! You can feel this way or that way - frankly, I don't personally care. I am just telling you what works and what doesn't.

[kitty001]

I don't think there was another guy..i just think she grew tired/bored of the relationship. Simple as that. Not for any one reason, or five reasons, or 10..but for maybe hundreds of reasons, conscious and unconscious factors that just make you stop WANTING to be with a person anymore..
Sometimes that desire (to be with someone) just dies out. It's no one person's fault. I read a bunch of your old posts, cain, and you tried and tried to enumerate the reasons she wanted to break it off in hopes that if you corrected them, she'd want you back. But it just doesnt work like that.

Im sure she never acted in any ways to spite or hurt you..she just tried to break things off with you softly. It wasnt ultimately the best thing for you, because it lead you to believe she was still very much in love with you up until right before the break, but she tried to do what she thought would hurt you the least. A lot of people ask for a "break" when they're actually heading toward a total break up in hopes of giving their partner the chance to gradually get used to the idea of no longer being an item.

Maybe one day she'll realize you two had a good relationship and ask you to work on it. I had an ex who broke up with me, and after six months of pretty much no contact, started begging for me back because he missed me so much. It's up to you to decide whether or not you'll want to try again with her.

For now, get used to being single, cause it looks like she's moving on..

[Cain]

I don't think there was another guy..i just think she grew tired/bored of the relationship. Simple as that. Not for any one reason, or five reasons, or 10..but for maybe hundreds of reasons, conscious and unconscious factors that just make you stop WANTING to be with a person anymore..
Sometimes that desire (to be with someone) just dies out. It's no one person's fault. I read a bunch of your old posts, cain, and you tried and tried to enumerate the reasons she wanted to break it off in hopes that if you corrected them, she'd want you back. But it just doesnt work like that.

Im sure she never acted in any ways to spite or hurt you..she just tried to break things off with you softly. It wasnt ultimately the best thing for you, because it lead you to believe she was still very much in love with you up until right before the break, but she tried to do what she thought would hurt you the least. A lot of people ask for a "break" when they're actually heading toward a total break up in hopes of giving their partner the chance to gradually get used to the idea of no longer being an item.

Maybe one day she'll realize you two had a good relationship and ask you to work on it. I had an ex who broke up with me, and after six months of pretty much no contact, started begging for me back because he missed me so much. It's up to you to decide whether or not you'll want to try again with her.

For now, get used to being single, cause it looks like she's moving on..

I don't know now, nor do I ever think I will know the real reasons for this break up. Maybe she did just get bored. She sure didn't act like it. Maybe she did try to ease into the full fledged break up. I will never know. All I know is that two days before we broke up she was saying how we never would and that she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me.

I'm going to do the no contact. I'm going to live my life and eventually I'll get over her. Am I upset about that? Sure. I wanted to be with her. But whatever.

[kitty001]

She claims that her losing her feelings for me was gradual and that it didn't just happen overnight like it seemed, but that she was in denial and so she didn't show it, hoping everything would come back. I'm not too sure if I really believe that. She won't let me see her, which could be because she wants nothing to do with me, or that she doesn't want it to complicate things with this guy, or because it will bring back feelings that she's trying to squash.

I believe that. That is pretty much exactly what happened to me in my relationship with my ex..Over time, I just gradually lost feelings for him and tried to deny it. Eventually, I asked for a break and then just stopped spending time with/talking to him and finally broke up with for good.

She probably doesn't want you to see her because she wants nothing to do with you, and hopes that not seeing her will help you get over her faster. I dont mean to burst your bubble, but it is almost certainly not because she's trying to avoid having any feelings for you resurface.

As for the new guy, I'd say he was probably one of the factors that pushed her in the direction to end it with you for good. HOWEVER, if she weren't already heading in that direction anyway, I doubt he would have impacted her decision at all.
This same thing happened to me...i started feeling iffy about being with my ex. I wanted to break up with him more and more..and then I met this new guy who was really awesome. It was just one more reason to end things with my ex, who I felt unsatisfied with.
What im saying is, definitely don't blame things on the new guy (not that you were going to, but just in case you were..)

[Cain]

I believe that. That is pretty much exactly what happened to me in my relationship with my ex..Over time, I just gradually lost feelings for him and tried to deny it. Eventually, I asked for a break and then just stopped spending time with/talking to him and finally broke up with for good.

She probably doesn't want you to see her because she wants nothing to do with you, and hopes that not seeing her will help you get over her faster. I dont mean to burst your bubble, but it is almost certainly not because she's trying to avoid having any feelings for you resurface.

As for the new guy, I'd say he was probably one of the factors that pushed her in the direction to end it with you for good. HOWEVER, if she weren't already heading in that direction anyway, I doubt he would have impacted her decision at all.
This same thing happened to me...i started feeling iffy about being with my ex. I wanted to break up with him more and more..and then I met this new guy who was really awesome. It was just one more reason to end things with my ex, who I felt unsatisfied with.
What im saying is, definitely don't blame things on the new guy (not that you were going to, but just in case you were..)

I don't blame things on him.

I wish that she would have told me everything we talked about in our last conversation when we broke up because things would have been easier. I don't know what to believe because she's been inconsistent with her stories.

For example, she claims that her feelings were gradually dissipating and she was in denial. But since we've broken up, she's told me that the feelings she had for me during those last visits were true and she wasn't lying about any of them. When I told her that she never loved me, she got extremely offended.

There's been times where I've stopped contacting her and all of a sudden she'd contact me. For example, she had a bad dream about me one night and called me early in the morning to make sure that I was okay. She has told me that she wants to stay friends, but that we can't do that of course until we're both over each other.

When we talked about the visit, she said that it wouldn't be good for either of us. When I told her that I would be fine, she said it wasn't just about me... that it wouldn't be good for her either.

Maybe she really did lose the feelings and wants nothing to do with me. If that's the case, so be it because I'm just going to let time decide what happens. No matter what, I'll move on with my life. Also, you saying that the only way that she could have wanted to break things off is if she was moving in that other direction isn't necessarily true. Distance kills relationships even if people keep all of the feelings they had. It's stressful. She's in graduate school so the stress from that, work, distance, and her parent's disapproval probably helped aid the decision assuming that she didn't lose all feelings.

The point is I'm not going to assume either way. I will never know. All that I can do is live my life and see what happens. Maybe this guy will break her heart and she'll realize what she had. Maybe after 6 months of no contact she'll miss me and realize she made a mistake. I don't know.

[ecojeanne]

its like that justin timberlake song

[ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FKXm3Qg7sBo"]YouTube - Justin Timberlake - What Goes Around...Comes Around[/ame]

[Cain]

its like that justin timberlake song

I've actually posted that already in another thread of mine. I heard it while I was driving and thought that the lyrics fit pretty damn well, especially the second verse.

[kitty001]

Distance kills relationships even if people keep all of the feelings they had. It's stressful. She's in graduate school so the stress from that, work, distance, and her parent's disapproval probably helped aid the decision assuming that she didn't lose all feelings.

The point is I'm not going to assume either way. I will never know. All that I can do is live my life and see what happens.

Yes, im sure those were all factors involved in destroying the relationship, but there are many more that neither of you know. Like I said, there are both conscious and unconscious (or it the correct word subconscious?) factors involved.

And yes, you will never know. It's okay, none of us know everything about love or relationships. People in general are so complicated..

As you said you would, live your life and go with the flow. The more you stress and worry and wonder, the worse things'll get. I hit a rough patch with my current boyfriend about a month ago, and the more I tried to talk things out with him and the more I obsessed over it, the harder and more complicated the situation got for both of us. Now I've been busying myself with other things and I am trying to be less clingy with him, and our relationship seems to be improving significantly.

I know it's hard..but it'll get easier with time. Good luck.

[Cain]

Yes, im sure those were all factors involved in destroying the relationship, but there are many more that neither of you know. Like I said, there are both conscious and unconscious (or it the correct word subconscious?) factors involved.

And yes, you will never know. It's okay, none of us know everything about love or relationships. People in general are so complicated..

As you said you would, live your life and go with the flow. The more you stress and worry and wonder, the worse things'll get. I hit a rough patch with my current boyfriend about a month ago, and the more I tried to talk things out with him and the more I obsessed over it, the harder and more complicated the situation got for both of us. Now I've been busying myself with other things and I am trying to be less clingy with him, and our relationship seems to be improving significantly.

I know it's hard..but it'll get easier with time. Good luck.

I've done better at not contacting her. I mean, something will happen and of course I'm tempted to. For example, the last I heard, her and this guy were just friends and then all of a sudden I find out that they are in a relationship, but she made it to where I wouldn't have been able to find out if she hadn't forgotten about something... so it was as if she was trying to avoid me finding out.

Talking isn't doing anything. All I can do is see what happens when the initial "greatness" of this relationship wears off. No matter how good two people are together, the honeymoon phase always wears off, so we'll see how she feels when that happens... if it even lasts that long. Who knows... maybe they'll get married and have lots of little kids.