Did I Assault Her?

[misombra]

...and the cop would say "explain it to judge" as they schlep him off to jail.

[IndiReloaded]

“Do you truly believe that life is fair, Senor de la Vega?
-No, maestro, but I plan to do everything in my power to make it so.”

- Zorro

[VincenzoG91]

She was ready to talk last night, so we met for drinks at a nice restaurant two blocks from my house. I was surprised because she usually needs more time than this to cool down after a major confrontation.

I'm disappointed. She came in with an attitude, wanting to rehash the details of our argument and prove that the whole thing was my fault. She had some good points about the mistakes that I made that night, but she claimed that her own violent actions were all justified as self-defense. She isn't interested in any kind of therapy or anger management. After trying to remind her of some things she left out of her version of events, I kept quiet and let her keep talking.

Finally, I asked her about the level of abuse she suffered with her ex. After she finally moved out of his house, she has become violent in several of our arguments. I told her that I suspected the abuse was worse than she had admitted, and that was why she came back to me as a more violent person. She didn't want to talk about that relationship, but admitted that I had a point. I think she will be willing to consider therapy if I bring it up again later. She is still hostile to the idea of taking an anger management class.

She gave me a ride home, and then asked if she could come in to use the bathroom. She ended up spending the night.

[Wakeup]

Vincenzo, I really enjoy your contributions and your humour around here so please don't take offence to this observation because I offer it with great respect for you. I think you deserve better then what you're being given.

Have you ever compared the symptoms of BPD to your gf to see how many boxes she checks off? If she's not seeing her part in this and is saying that it was all self-defence then I'm thinking that she is indeed, one day going to report YOU to the police in the future. If she's coniving as you've just painted her out to be, then it's likely going to happen after she's granduated and you've finished buying her her education. No accountability or remorse whatsoever from her.

How predictible that she spent the night but not being open to getting the help she obviously needs while likely hoping that doing that will make you forget that she needs it and back to the status quo.

I Know you love her but love isn't enough to maintain a happy, healthy, functional relationship. What if you ever have children. Surely you don't want them witnessing her behaviour and your reaction to it.

I do wish you well while being sorry she has you hooked.

[HeartIsAching]

If she's not seeing her part in this and is saying that it was all self-defence then I'm thinking that she is indeed, one day going to report YOU to the police in the future. If she's coniving as you've just painted her out to be, then it's likely going to happen after she's granduated and you've finished buying her her education. No accountability or remorse whatsoever from her.

How predictible that she spent the night but not being open to getting the help she obviously needs while likely hoping that doing that will make you forget that she needs it and back to the status quo.

I Know you love her but love isn't enough to maintain a happy, healthy, functional relationship.

These are all things that I was thinking. Every. Single. One.

[VincenzoG91]

Heh. She sometimes accuses me of being like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Neither one of us is bi-polar, but we can both surprise with outbursts, after a prolonged period of quietly simmering with repressed resentment. We both need to work on assertive communication, and I need to brush up on my notes from the anger management class. I am still firmly convinced that she should get some therapy, too, because she has been raped three times and also apparently abused by the guy she cheated with. With about two weeks left in the semester, this just isn't the right time. I did feel that some of the points that I made late in our discussion last night got through to her towards the end, and that if I tactfully raise the issue of therapy in a few weeks, she will be more receptive.

[Wakeup]

Not "bi-polar" but rather borderline personality disorder. Anyway, you're right about her getting therapy but if she won't go, then what will you do? That is something you probably would do well to think about because if she won't go then it won't get better no matter what you keep doing to improve yourself in hopes of making it better, when she does nothing and you enable her. Your reaction to what she does may improve though so ...

Good luck with her, Vincenzo.

[VincenzoG91]

I looked at a couple of BPD symptom lists a while back, and she didn't match the profile. It's a been a few years, but she did express interest in doing therapy a while back, but we didn't have any money to spare. I think that she will re-discover an interest in therapy after the semester is over. And I just got some good news at work, so my anxiety about losing my job might be going away soon, which certainly helps my own attitude.

[FlaCooln]

^^^^sounds like work got the loan...Good to hear man.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Vincenzo, I've bitten my tongue for 8 pages. How many chances does this broad get?!

You're a good guy, and I think she has proven, many times over, that she takes you for granted. When will you stop making excuses for her? When will enough be enough? That's not a rhetorical question. I'm curious as to what would make you leave her for good? At this point, the whole thing reeks of codependency.

Throughout this thread, I keep thinking of what advice you would give to someone else who posted something like this.

[VincenzoG91]

It seems like she takes me for granted because I never post here about the good times. For example, in the weeks preceding that blowup on Sunday, she had been really sweet to me. Nothing major or earth-shaking, just very interested in anything that I had to say, asking me for advice about things, easy-going and cheerful. But she is chronically sleep-deprived due to her brutal schedule, and leading up to this fight, I was up late helping her with a paper for four nights in a row. I would really like to see how we are together after she graduates next spring. Btw, I have been paying for her textbooks and school supplies, but she has been covering tuition herself with a combination of scholarship money and student loans. She will owe more than $100,000 when she graduates.

What kind of advice would I give someone else who posted a story like this? "Run, Forrest, run!"

[romany]

Good decisions come from experience. Experience comes from bad decisions


good words

[IndiReloaded]

Vince, you know I think you're a nice guy. You need to let this woman go. I dunno about BPD or other labels, but it's clear you don't bring out the best in each other. That's really all you need to know.

http://www.yourtango.com/experts/ph-d-sherrie-campbell/help-i-am-relationship-crazy-maker

[HeheMan]

OP is a schmuck who lets his woman smack him around.

[BennyJamesField]

I only read your first post and i have to say i feel for you in a way

my ex was out of control. one tiny thing and she would flip
she is the only person to ever have given me a black eye
so basically she used to go nuts, kicking, scratching, biting, slapping, punching you name it.

the one time i defend my self and grab her wrists she starts crying and acts like she is going to call the cops

women use their gender to get away with so many things.
it is injust but sadly that is the way it is
next tmie if i am ever dumb enough to put my self in this situation i simply have to palce my hands by my side and cop it i guess

when she was pregnant is when this hapened also. i simply grabbed her wrists to get her to calm down or she will harm the baby
she went into labor that evening (she had Vasa Praevia which basically means if she goes into labour and the baby starts coming it will die)
she blames me for the 7 week early arrival of our son. i have to say yep, it was me. i blame her useless uterus and her bullshit satanic temper but i would never say that to her. A mother never wants to hear those things.
So i have to live the rest of my days being the bad guy when all i was tyring to do was keep my unborn son from further harm

this was no the first time we had to ruh to hospital because of her temper either

i bought her some pet chooks which she loved.
she wanted to take one to the vet
i had work to do and i could not go. so for that she did the same thing.
then complained of major pain.

I am the bad guy.

right?