Completely Numb Right Now

[MerryH]

Amy and Craig are both blowing up my text message inbox with messages right now.

Whaaa-? What the hell does he want?

[xxazurexx]

If they are shacked up together, it would be over and done for me. I wouldn't reply to either of them anymore.

[Chlorine]

Amy and Craig are both blowing up my text message inbox with messages right now.

VincenzoG91----That they're both texting you is just weird. I've read all your posts and it looks like you are getting sucked into Amy's drama.

Can you time-out for awhile? Maybe go back to your parent's house this weekend. Eat mum's cooking. You should be with people that care about you. Ignore Amy. Just disappear.

[VincenzoG91]

Whaaa-? What the hell does he want?

Amy wants to meet and talk about what happened and pick up several boxes of her stuff, but she keeps delaying, partly because Craig is paranoid about her coming home late these days. And probably also because she wants to find out if he is dumping her before she talks to me, because that will have a big impact on what she has to say to me. Goodbye, or I'm sorry and please take me back.

Craig wants more information about the last 5 years, to understand how badly she cheated on him, and he wants somebody to talk to about all of this without feeling humiliated. He is struggling with a big decision, to go ahead with the marriage or to dump her. Obviously, he should dump her, but they have been more or less together for the last five years, and they had a closer relationship than Amy and I shared. He loves her and maybe she even loves him. She never said "I love you" to me.

They still live together, and every night this week, she has been crying and begging for forgiveness from him. He wants her to suffer for a while. The problem is that everything is up in the air right now, so I can't get closure and move on. I know, I could just throw her stuff out and ignore them both.

But I did that once to my previous ex. I picked Chi up from jail and brought her home, which was actually a condition of her early release, that she stay with me. Within an hour, a friend whisked her off to a party, and she went on a three-day drug binge. On day two, I donated her clothes to charity. That was 10 years ago, and I still feel bad about that incident. So I can't throw Amy's stuff out, it will hurt me for years to come.

A friend of mine is a professional bill collector, and has access to some very comprehensive data bases. Between that and my internet search expertise, I now know Craig's last name and where they live. My friend did this search because he wants me to take Amy's stuff over there and just drop it off. I would rather just give the stuff to Amy and have that final talk, but I can't keep twisting in the wind like this.

You know what would be even better? Craig, Amy and I should all sit down and have a long talk. Get everything out in the open and discussed, and then each of us can make an informed choice about the situation. Hmm. My choice would definitely be to leave this all behind me.

[VincenzoG91]

When Craig and I exchanged numbers, my original thought was to push him into dumping her, to punish her for what she did to us both. It would be easy, just tell him everything so that he understood that she is a borderline sociopath.

I have a new plan. I want them to get married and live happily ever after, if possible. Yes, really.

See, I finally understand that I'm an enabler. I plan to get help for that, to start seeing a therapist. But until I get help, it would be an absolute disaster if Amy showed up desperate and homeless on my doorstep. If I take her back, even temporarily, it will destroy my self-esteem, which is already damaged right now. If I turn her away, the guilt will eat away at me for years. I know that it will, because I still feel bad about donating Chi's clothes to charity ten years ago.

So I need them to stay together and get married, so that Amy never comes back to me.

I'm going to change my tone with Craig. I'm going to make myself into the bad guy, a predatory older man who took advantage of a poor, innocent young woman in financial trouble. She treated me badly, but I deserved it because I was an evil and manipulative bastard. Then I'm going to build up Amy, talk about all of her positive qualities, and how I could tell that she never loved me. I will tell him that it will be hard at first, but he needs to trust her, now that I am out of her life. I will tell him that marriage is a sacred institution to her, that she would never betray her husband. And if he still wavers, I will suggest that he get her to sign a prenuptial agreement now, while he has the upper hand in their relationship.

[xxazurexx]

Amy wants to meet and talk about what happened and pick up several boxes of her stuff, but she keeps delaying, partly because Craig is paranoid about her coming home late these days. And probably also because she wants to find out if he is dumping her before she talks to me, because that will have a big impact on what she has to say to me. Goodbye, or I'm sorry and please take me back.

He's probably also pretty uncomfortable with the idea of her coming to your home, for fear she won't go back to him....

The rest of it is true though, what she decides will depend on whether he takes her back. If he doesn't want her, she will undoubtedly run back to you seeking forgiveness

Craig wants more information about the last 5 years, to understand how badly she cheated on him, and he wants somebody to talk to about all of this without feeling humiliated. He is struggling with a big decision, to go ahead with the marriage or to dump her. Obviously, he should dump her, but they have been more or less together for the last five years, and they had a closer relationship than Amy and I shared. He loves her and maybe she even loves him. She never said "I love you" to me.

I'd let him wonder as to how badly she cheated over the past 5 years. Regardless of what you say, he won't dump her anyway and because as soon as he allows her back in, she will start with the sweet talking and he will believe her and because he wants desperately to believe her. He will forever live with doubt and in regard to her though, his trust in her has gone.

You seem to be handling it pretty well and civilly I have to say. I'd opted for that route also and more so because I knew he had made up his mind about what he wanted.
Waste of time trying to fight and for the affections of someone who no longer wants you and so I'd chosen to bow out gracefully and I left them both to it. I did not request any talks with him or discussions and when he came 3 weeks later to get the rest of his stuff which I'd bagged, he'd said a few words and then left.

And I was left alone to move on with my life and pick up the pieces....which I successfully went on to do and you will too.

[SelflessnHumble]

When Craig and I exchanged numbers, my original thought was to push him into dumping her, to punish her for what she did to us both. It would be easy, just tell him everything so that he understood that she is a borderline sociopath.

I have a new plan. I want them to get married and live happily ever after, if possible. Yes, really.

See, I finally understand that I'm an enabler. I plan to get help for that, to start seeing a therapist. But until I get help, it would be an absolute disaster if Amy showed up desperate and homeless on my doorstep. If I take her back, even temporarily, it will destroy my self-esteem, which is already damaged right now. If I turn her away, the guilt will eat away at me for years. I know that it will, because I still feel bad about donating Chi's clothes to charity ten years ago.

So I need them to stay together and get married, so that Amy never comes back to me.

I'm going to change my tone with Craig. I'm going to make myself into the bad guy, a predatory older man who took advantage of a poor, innocent young woman in financial trouble. She treated me badly, but I deserved it because I was an evil and manipulative bastard. Then I'm going to build up Amy, talk about all of her positive qualities, and how I could tell that she never loved me. I will tell him that it will be hard at first, but he needs to trust her, now that I am out of her life. I will tell him that marriage is a sacred institution to her, that she would never betray her husband. And if he still wavers, I will suggest that he get her to sign a prenuptial agreement now, while he has the upper hand in their relationship.

Hey, it's your show, but the way you plan things doesn't take into account for variable change: she is too good at switching her disposition just as quickly as you
set things up for a conversation with all 3 parties. She hasn't faced the music for how many years...All of a sudden you think she will just sit down and get this out so that the truth
will be revealed and that you can convince him that once married she won't cheat, as if marriage is the ultimate binding relationship consummation tool for her?

I've been with psycho women all my life so this isn't my first rodeo.
If this makes you feel better, cool, but just dropping off her stuff just to avoid a confrontation because the truth may be too much is a bad idea.
You're also trying to make sense of a non-nonsensical predator who has just all but admitted to using 2 men spanning half a decade or more. Don't.
Taking her back is a bad idea.

Do you really think this would be considered a 2nd chance when she continually cheated, lied and used you? (and him as well)
Always your decision but taking her back, due to a guilt that is misplaced will only sooth your once again attempt at being the hero: it doesn't work, nor has it ever worked (with her)
But it doesn't address the real issue: She breached your trust, disrespected you and destroyed your illusory 2 party relationship...She did this, not you.

[VincenzoG91]

Hey, it's your show, but the way you plan things doesn't take into account for variable change: she is too good at switching her disposition just as quickly as you
set things up for a conversation with all 3 parties. She hasn't faced the music for how many years...All of a sudden you think she will just sit down and get this out so that the truth
will be revealed and that you can convince him that once married she won't cheat, as if marriage is the ultimate binding relationship consummation tool for her?

I've been with psycho women all my life so this isn't my first rodeo.
If this makes you feel better, cool, but just dropping off her stuff just to avoid a confrontation because the truth may be too much is a bad idea.
You're also trying to make sense of a non-nonsensical predator who has just all but admitted to using 2 men spanning half a decade or more. Don't.
Taking her back is a bad idea.

Do you really think this would be considered a 2nd chance when she continually cheated, lied and used you? (and him as well)
Always your decision but taking her back, due to a guilt that is misplaced will only sooth your once again attempt at being the hero: it doesn't work, nor has it ever worked (with her)
But it doesn't address the real issue: She breached your trust, disrespected you and destroyed your illusory 2 party relationship...She did this, not you.

You misread my post. I don't want her back. I now understand that I'm an enabler, and I'm going to get therapy. But if she shows up on my doorstep in the near future, homeless and desperate, it's going to mess me up, even if I turn her away.

So I want them to stay together and get married. She is willing, but he has some obvious concerns. He trusts me right now because we are both victims of the same situation, so I'm going to use that trust to get him to take her back.

I do agree with you that she would never consent to a group discussion between the three of us. That's okay, I don't really need to talk to her anymore. I just need to talk to Craig enough to get him to take her back.

[misombra]

screw them. you know very well he ain't leaving her so just leave them alone. was there arrangements for her to pay you back? tell her goodbye. these two are poison.

[misombra]

I just need to talk to Craig enough to get him to take her back.

that will never happen. she's in his ear with a bunch of bullshit and it will never end. she's weaved her web. the more you try deal with him the more you'll screw yourself up. he knows what it is.

[sweetkissesforu]

Why she deserves to get what she gets

[sweetkissesforu]

When did you ever have time with Amy seriously when

[VincenzoG91]

When did you ever have time with Amy seriously when

During the first two years of our relationship, before Craig. And during the 2.5 years that we lived together.

There would have been nothing particularly awful about this situation if she had officially broken up with somebody each time she switched to being with the other guy. The problem is that she always kept one of us on a back burner, with just enough attention to keep both of us in the picture.

[VincenzoG91]

screw them. you know very well he ain't leaving her so just leave them alone. was there arrangements for her to pay you back? tell her goodbye. these two are poison.

I won't realistically get my money back, and trying would prolong my misery. I spent an average of nearly $10,000 per year on her, although half of that happened during the first two years we were together, before Craig was in the picture. She doesn't have $70,000 to pay me back, she has a low-paying part-time job, $30,000 in student loan debt, and at least three more years of school to go before she is ready to start her career as an environmental activist. My money is gone for good.

[SelflessnHumble]

You misread my post. I don't want her back. I now understand that I'm an enabler, and I'm going to get therapy. But if she shows up on my doorstep in the near future, homeless and desperate, it's going to mess me up, even if I turn her away.

So I want them to stay together and get married. She is willing, but he has some obvious concerns. He trusts me right now because we are both victims of the same situation, so I'm going to use that trust to get him to take her back.

I do agree with you that she would never consent to a group discussion between the three of us. That's okay, I don't really need to talk to her anymore. I just need to talk to Craig enough to get him to take her back.

Oh, I'm sorry Vince I get what you're saying if she showed up needy, but consider this is a two way street.
She (in exchange for your hero tendencies) gave you a distant, but physical relationship...Man, I wish you lived near me.
I hate it when good people get taken advantage of because they are truly good hearted people. What Craig does is his choice.
I see how you see Amy's methodology working, avoiding you until she knows Craig will accept her and move forward but just in case
he doesn't and she either calls, or shows up with bags in her hands...Please don't do it! You don't deserve this crap man!

Some even say Drama is better than being lonely but I disagree...
You're not only a great guy but great looking and it awesome shape so getting a good woman won't be hard in your case.
Just don't forget to screen these people, not with their SSN, but through simple observation...How they act, treat people, choose things,
avoid certain things, dismiss aspects of their life are all for a reason. There are zero coincidences when it comes to people's behavior.