Please help me clean up the mess I've made!

[Zero Interrupt]

Let me change that statement. You're BOTH selfish and stupid. What are you both, twelve, or something?

[Blix]

Let me change that statement. You're BOTH selfish and stupid. What are you both, twelve, or something?

Seconded.

Also he DID ask you what's wrong like 7 times and why you want to be away.

Just give him his damn key and get on with it.

~Blix

[Ellynn]

Yikes!

Why didn't you just tell him straight out what was truly bothering you instead of making all these excuses or changing the subject?

I think if anything, that was the time to be honest. Either way it looks like your gonna lose him now. So, why not at least give it your best shot and be HONEST with him for a change, the way you are HONEST with us! This is the time to lay all your cards on the table and let him know why your so moody and upset about him. Let him know how you FEEL ABOUT HIM! Also, LET HIM KNOW that your unsure about everything and how you don't want to mess up your friendship!

IF anything else, at least explain to him WHY you need space away from him! He does deserve to know that.

If your that unsure, then maybe this (being apart from each other) is for the best from now on.

I mean what is the guy supposed to think? You push him away and then your proclaiming your love for him and telling him you will dig to china to find him!! For once, just be HONEST with him. If your not, your just gonna ruin everything.

[blacksun]

I dont know why you just dont tell him how you feel. You tried so hard to avoid telling him how you feel but it just messed everthing soo much harder on both of you. You have this notion that somehow he should ask you out, but the truth is you rejected him, and if he respects you he probably wont ask again, I know i woulden't (tho after reading your post i realize that that might be a mistake). Also if you told him you had feelings for him, hes a guy and even if he didnt have the same feelings for you he wouldent freak out like girls sometimes do. I have a few female friends that i dont really think of as real canidates for a relationship (maninly cause i know them so well in more professional enviroment) but if any of them wanted to persue a relationship I would at least give them a shot, even though i would never take the initiative with them.

[221bBakerStreet]

Oh, but it gets even more convoluted. Tonight, I ran into him at his apartment. I was dropping the dog off, and he walked into the house from work about 2 minutes after I did. He told me he'd like me to hang around for a while, but only if I wanted to, and I did. He had gotten his new computer and we spent about 4 hours together, trying to get it all set up. We had a blast together, but we didn't talk about anything serious.

Ellynn, I may take your advice after a while, but right now, I just need some damn SPACE. And that DOESN'T mean no contact with him at all, but reasonable amounts of contact, until I figure out what the hell I want. I didn't tell him then how I felt because I'm not there yet, and I won't be bullied into doing it before I think it through first, no matter HOW much he kicks and screams. And I didn't "proclaim" my love for him--I REMINDED him that I loved him, which he already knew. He's my friend, and I care about him. But I wasn't PROCLAIMING my love for him. I was simply firmly laying down the law that I was not going to leave him.

Also, Ellynn, I didn't mean to scare you. ;-) I've not lost him, not by a long shot. I told you he always pulls that "The Sky is Falling" routine when he's not getting what he wants. I'm used to it, and as you can see, I didn't even blink when he started with "**** off/blah blah my housekey/don't bother coming back". That's all a big steaming pantload; he was throwing a tantrum. When I've lost him, I'll know, and I haven't even come close yet. The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference. Clearly, we're not there yet.

I realize how brutal this must all be to him, and I hate it. But right now, I just need some breathing room. I'm not just being a bitch, playing hard to get, or being coy. No matter what/how I rationalize, I keep coming back to the ONLY thing I know for sure:

RIGHT NOW, I NEED SOME ROOM TO BREATHE.

And I'll take it. And "room to breathe" does NOT include spending 12 hours a day with him, OR having long, emotionally-charged, dramatic conversations.

[Zero Interrupt]

I'm not just being a bitch,

Oh, how wrong you are.

[Blix]

we spent about 4 hours together

RIGHT NOW, I NEED SOME ROOM TO BREATHE.

reasonable amounts of contact

You're kindof trying to have your cake and eat it, too.

~Blix

[Ellynn]

If the guy throws temper tantrums like that, maybe you guys are better off friends.
Imagine what a relationship would be like if you wanted some time alone, and say you didn't want to explain yourself. (which it seems you have a hard time doing.) yikes!



4 hrs together? how does this help with getting space? I mean I set up my own computer myself!(Its really not that hard.) Im not even that good with electronics!
But, I know your gonna say "i was over there anyways..." "He's not good at that kind of stuff.." " He asked me for help..." Etc. Since your not worried your friendship will end, then why the sudden get together timed exactly when he would be walking in the door? Why would you even bother to stay only cuz he asked you to? IF space is what you want, then stick to it. I mean what is the guy supposed to think when one min your being all distant and claim you want space, then the next your at his house and when he asks you to stay you willingly do and fall back into the reg routine. You need to follow through with what your telling him. You say one thing, and your actions say another. No wonder the guy is pissed. Then, if he throws a temper tantrum, you cave in and let him get his way. Grow some backbone! Let him know your serious about what your saying about space.

And maybe you weren't proclaiming your love to him. But you kept going on and on about how you would "dig a hole to china" to talk to him etc. Thats a bit extreme for friends don't you think?

All I can say, is that WHEN you are ready to actually do something and HONESTLY follow thru with it, then maybe we can help you. Until then, theres really nothing more I can say.

[221bBakerStreet]

we spent about 4 hours together

RIGHT NOW, I NEED SOME ROOM TO BREATHE.

reasonable amounts of contact

You're kindof trying to have your cake and eat it, too.

~Blix

Not at all. Spending 4 hours hanging out with him in the last 5 days is WAY better than normal. Usually, at the end of 5 days, we're pushing 40 hours together. And tonight, I won't see him at all. Reasonable amounts of contact.

[221bBakerStreet]

If the guy throws temper tantrums like that, maybe you guys are better off friends.
Imagine what a relationship would be like if you wanted some time alone, and say you didn't want to explain yourself. (which it seems you have a hard time doing.) yikes!

That's one of the MANY reasons I am looking, carefully, before I leap. He's definitely not perfect, by a long shot. But neither am I, and we like each other.

Also, after the tantrums, he's always more reasonable. The tantrum just means I've scared him with my request; it doesn't mean he won't do what I ask. Ever since that Messenger conversation, he's not been knocking on my door and blowing up my phone. I appreciate that; it helps SOOO much.

4 hrs together? how does this help with getting space? I mean I set up my own computer myself!(Its really not that hard.) Im not even that good with electronics!
But, I know your gonna say "i was over there anyways..." "He's not good at that kind of stuff.." " He asked me for help..." Etc. Since your not worried your friendship will end, then why the sudden get together timed exactly when he would be walking in the door? Why would you even bother to stay only cuz he asked you to?

Well, the truth is, he DOES need my help with his computer. He doesn't know shit about networking, and that's what he's trying to do. But this wasn't really about his computer; I stayed because I WANTED to. He asked if I wanted to, I thought about it, and I did. So I did.

Also, in my defense, the Baby and I were actually out of town together, since about noon yesterday. We were at a show, and I had no control over what time it ended. I came straight from about 60 miles out of town and went to his apartment to drop the dog off before I went home (she can't come to my house). I didn't time anything, that's just when I got there. When I pulled up and his truck wasn't outside, I actually thought I would make it out of there without seeing him. His plan had been to go pick up the new computer AFTER work (a trip of about 2 hours, plus!), so when I pulled up at his apt at 12:30 a.m. and he wasn't there, I figured I was in the clear. I walked in the house, turned on the light, and started to feed Roommate's Oscar. As I lifted the lid off the aquarium, the front door opened behind me. I didn't "time" my arrival to meet him there; he actually scared the piss out of me.

IF space is what you want, then stick to it. I mean what is the guy supposed to think when one min your being all distant and claim you want space, then the next your at his house and when he asks you to stay you willingly do and fall back into the reg routine. You need to follow through with what your telling him. You say one thing, and your actions say another. No wonder the guy is pissed. Then, if he throws a temper tantrum, you cave in and let him get his way. Grow some backbone! Let him know your serious about what your saying about space.

I didn't cave in and let him get his way! What you are forgetting is that 4 hours with him in 5 days, instead of like 8-12 a day, means I am getting my space.

And maybe you weren't proclaiming your love to him. But you kept going on and on about how you would "dig a hole to china" to talk to him etc. Thats a bit extreme for friends don't you think?

It wasn't digging a hole to china. It was swimming to Japan, and digging a hole to the center of the earth. You wouldn't do that for your friends?

All I can say, is that WHEN you are ready to actually do something and HONESTLY follow thru with it, then maybe we can help you. Until then, theres really nothing more I can say.

Well, for what it's worth, the replies I am getting on here ARE helping me considerably, even if it's just people playing Devil's Advocate. I need space, and I am and have been HONESTLY following through with it. It's tough, I admit, and I may not be doing it right. This is a difficult situation and I am doing the best I can. Any serious replies from anyone at all are welcome. The more detailed perspectives I get, the better to see this all more clearly. MAN, I don't want to screw this up.

[Ellynn]

That's one of the MANY reasons I am looking, carefully, before I leap. He's definitely not perfect, by a long shot. But neither am I, and we like each other.


Good idea! I guess you cannot help who you like.

Also, after the tantrums, he's always more reasonable. The tantrum just means I've scared him with my request; it doesn't mean he won't do what I ask. Ever since that Messenger conversation, he's not been knocking on my door and blowing up my phone. I appreciate that; it helps SOOO much.

Thats good. Now, he is giving you your space. At least something sunk in.

Well, the truth is, he DOES need my help with his computer. He doesn't know shit about networking, and that's what he's trying to do. But this wasn't really about his computer; I stayed because I WANTED to. He asked if I wanted to, I thought about it, and I did. So I did.
Ok, but I still think that your contradicting yourself on what you told him. But, hey, whatever works for you.
Also, in my defense, the Baby and I were actually out of town together, since about noon yesterday. We were at a show, and I had no control over what time it ended. I came straight from about 60 miles out of town and went to his apartment to drop the dog off before I went home (she can't come to my house). I didn't time anything, that's just when I got there. When I pulled up and his truck wasn't outside, I actually thought I would make it out of there without seeing him. His plan had been to go pick up the new computer AFTER work (a trip of about 2 hours, plus!), so when I pulled up at his apt at 12:30 a.m. and he wasn't there, I figured I was in the clear. I walked in the house, turned on the light, and started to feed Roommate's Oscar. As I lifted the lid off the aquarium, the front door opened behind me. I didn't "time" my arrival to meet him there; he actually scared the piss out of me.

Ok, fair enough. But, you could have opted to leave right away. But, instead you spent 4 hrs with him.

I didn't cave in and let him get his way! What you are forgetting is that 4 hours with him in 5 days, instead of like 8-12 a day, means I am getting my space.

I guess space with you and me is different. I have a job and work, so Im lucky if I even get to spend 4 hrs with my friends each week. And thats pushing it. And thats without asking for space. Space to me would be spending time away from them completely for awhile, or possibly less then an hr a week.

It wasn't digging a hole to china. It was swimming to Japan, and digging a hole to the center of the earth. You wouldn't do that for your friends?
HAHA, yeah i knew it was something along those lines. I got my words mixed up a bit. But, you just kept listing stuff. I would gladly do that for my close friends, but I don't go on and on about it. But, thats just me.


Well, for what it's worth, the replies I am getting on here ARE helping me considerably, even if it's just people playing Devil's Advocate. I need space, and I am and have been HONESTLY following through with it. It's tough, I admit, and I may not be doing it right. This is a difficult situation and I am doing the best I can. Any serious replies from anyone at all are welcome. The more detailed perspectives I get, the better to see this all more clearly. MAN, I don't want to screw this up.

Yeah, your in a sucky situation. I'm sure you wish you DIDN'T have any feelings like that for your friend if you had the choice. It would make life alot easier. But, you have to figure out what you want and then go from there. We are only trying to help you get OUT of this mess. Not, keep things in limbo or make things fall apart. I'm a procrastinator at times too, but if anything I learned I would rather get to the bottom of things instead of waiting and wondering "what if". So, I've made it a point to be more blunt and not to beat around the bush so much. It seems to clear up things instead of sitting there wondering.
You do realize though that if you decide you don't want to be with him, your gonna have to distance yourself even more then you already have. Especially if you decide to get a relationship going. I mean this is even the case if he doesn't feel the same for you. So, expect the worst and hope for the best.

[tsarazen]

Hello
I just read your comment on your yahoo blog about your turning your new best friend into a possible boyfriend.

I work for a new show called "The Greg Behrendt Show."
Greg is a comedian who wrote for "Sex and the City" and is the author of
"He's Just Not That Into You."

I am currently working on a segment on the show about ultimatums and I think your story is perfect for our show. Would you be interested in talking to me about your bestfriend/boyfriend and your relationship?

Thanks for your time
Tara
The Greg Behrendt Show
[email]castingguru@yahoo.com[/email]

[vashti]

Haha - "he's just not that into you"... perfect...