How many times do I have to say no...

[lahnnabell]

Why put forth so much time and effort for an end result you'll never be happy with?

Even if he acts like a good little boy and does what you ask, you'll always be wondering if he's doing it out of respect or just for the sake of getting in your pants.

If you want respect, find it in a man who shows respect from the very beginning... otherwise you're just a nagging piece of meat.


- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -- - - - - - -- - - -

Btw... are you with someone new or did you resume your relationship with the other guy?... because your update and then the information shortly thereafter contradicts each other.

I think it comes with the territory of dating a man. Men always claim how they are not mind readers and more than likely need/prefer explicit verbal instructions. In my experience, women seem to be better at intuitively reading others (not always though!). I find that more men are rather clueless when it comes to non-verbal cues and the like. It doesn't mean that they're defective, but it could be a variety of reasons... Lack of experience, bad relationship experiences, etc. It's important to try to come from a place of understanding. If a guy feels like you're going to judge him, he'll shut down. I have found that men are much more sensitive to criticism than they'd like to admit.

And I agree that one has to command respect by holding to their own standards. So, yes Laila, you did kinda screw yourself (literally ) when you agreed to have sex prior to him following through on your agreement, but I don't think it'll come back to haunt you if you don't let it. Yes, he may try to test those waters again (maybe with a different issue). This is why it is important to KNOW YOURSELF before attempting to get to know someone else. You have to know your own expectations. Anything you expect of someone else, you must lead by example first and foremost.

Let's say you forget to take your birth control pill one day. In my mind, because your requests that he actively participate in your sexual health, he deserves to know about your missed pill. It does not affect his body directly, but it DOES affect the sexual relationship you share with him. Whether or not you have kids is both your responsibilities, as you've made abundantly clear. Continue to hold to your standards. It'll create less work in the long-run because you won't be trying to undo any bad behavior. Your expectations can come clearly outlined and ready to go. All he has to say is, "Where do I sign?" (or not )

[Aeradalia]

I find that if you look at any prospective partner as being a potential parent of your child... it really puts things in perspective and makes you far more careful.

Aside from sterilization, birth control isn't full proof!

All respect and other bullshit aside, the main point is to not become a parent or die from some nasty crotch-rotting disease.

[LailaK]

Only giving what I get.

I'm not walking around calling people "jerkface" and mangling sentences.

I didn't tell you to break up with him either, but I recognise patterned behaviour when I see it.
When you've decided "No condoms, no sex," then HAVE sex, mistake once or not, it sets in place a pattern, which he'll eventually try to test down the road.
"Deal breakers" are how people clarify what they want from their s/o.

You don't have to find the perfect guy, but you shouldn't have to bend on exactly what you want either.
And when you walk into forums, don't expect everyone to coddle you. Sometimes, advice isn't meant to make you feel better.

To be fair:


You've not communicated that you wanted it, and some men are absolutely clueless. Maybe not a lesson, but a reminder.

Whatever. People disagree with me on the forum all the time. That's life. I rarely take offense to what anyone says but you offended me. If you don't want people to call you a jerkface maybe you should work on your approach. Otherwise you shouldn't care what I call you. Either way, I'm done talking to you because I don't enjoy it and I'm sure you don't enjoy talking to me either. I only do things that I enjoy on the internet. Have a good day/night wherever you may be

[LailaK]

I think it comes with the territory of dating a man. Men always claim how they are not mind readers and more than likely need/prefer explicit verbal instructions. In my experience, women seem to be better at intuitively reading others (not always though!). I find that more men are rather clueless when it comes to non-verbal cues and the like. It doesn't mean that they're defective, but it could be a variety of reasons... Lack of experience, bad relationship experiences, etc. It's important to try to come from a place of understanding. If a guy feels like you're going to judge him, he'll shut down. I have found that men are much more sensitive to criticism than they'd like to admit.

And I agree that one has to command respect by holding to their own standards. So, yes Laila, you did kinda screw yourself (literally ) when you agreed to have sex prior to him following through on your agreement, but I don't think it'll come back to haunt you if you don't let it. Yes, he may try to test those waters again (maybe with a different issue). This is why it is important to KNOW YOURSELF before attempting to get to know someone else. You have to know your own expectations. Anything you expect of someone else, you must lead by example first and foremost.

Let's say you forget to take your birth control pill one day. In my mind, because your requests that he actively participate in your sexual health, he deserves to know about your missed pill. It does not affect his body directly, but it DOES affect the sexual relationship you share with him. Whether or not you have kids is both your responsibilities, as you've made abundantly clear. Continue to hold to your standards. It'll create less work in the long-run because you won't be trying to undo any bad behavior. Your expectations can come clearly outlined and ready to go. All he has to say is, "Where do I sign?" (or not )

I agree with everything you've said. I'm trying to be really clear, sometimes overly clear and give this relationship it's best shot possible. We'll see!!!

[Mish]

Him: Well I didn't know it was that important to you. Now that I know it's important I'll work harder at it.
Me: No I'm over it.
Him: You're not even going to give me a chance to make it better?
Me: No.

I think the guy had a point btw^

Even if he was in the wrong, the speed with which you dumped him without any further consideration was surprising. Did you take him back because of what you said or partly because of your own guilt? Now you are back full circle after a drama that could have been avoided. For both of your sakes, I hope the cycle doesn't repeat.


This might sound mean, but I say it with the best intent.

[LailaK]

That didn't sound mean Mishnya.

I took him back for a variety of reasons the biggest reason being that I hadn't really been clear about everything I wanted from him in the first place and therefore I hadn't given him a decent chance to show me that he could be responsible and caring for my needs. As much as he shouldn't have been pressuring me and he should have been wanting me to get off (hehe...) I should have stuck to my guns about using condoms and I should have been explicit to him about my sexual needs.

I got really mad and almost threw the baby out with the bath water. I do that a lot. I'm glad I realized that I liked him and this was most likely fixable before it was too late.

[lilly1185]

Whatever. People disagree with me on the forum all the time. That's life. I rarely take offense to what anyone says but you offended me. If you don't want people to call you a jerkface maybe you should work on your approach. Otherwise you shouldn't care what I call you. Either way, I'm done talking to you because I don't enjoy it and I'm sure you don't enjoy talking to me either. I only do things that I enjoy on the internet. Have a good day/night wherever you may be

Disagree. You took offense to a statement I made that was completely harmless and imagined a few words and rude commentary. On the up and up, I enjoy arguing with people, because they are fallible. Sometimes even sticking to their defense no matter how silly they look in the end.

You're forgiven.

[Aeradalia]

I think I'm gonna like having Lilly around... should prove interesting.

[LailaK]

And I'm going to enjoy ignoring her. I hate it when people see bugging others as sport.

[lilly1185]

And I'm going to enjoy ignoring her. I hate it when people see bugging others as sport.

I don't call it "bugging". I like to bring on a perspective, and you're the type to blow up and leave a trail of defenses when you know you're wrong. You also relent to tactless insults and finger pointing. It's okay though. I'm just another person on the forum with advice, whether you take it or leave it is up to you.

@ Aeradalia; I've been on the forum for a while. I pop up occasionally, and disappear for a while. Last time I was on was before the forum re-model. I'm sorta sad to see it go, but at least they kept the fun smilies.

[Sonrisa]

i think Lilly is Indi's long lost daughter.

[LailaK]

But Indi and I disagree all the time. In this very thread, Indi and I have disagreed. She called me an idiot and I still wasn't offended by anything she said.

Maybe some girls like the topic of "rape" and their boyfriend being paired together. Personally it's not really my cup o' tea.

[lilly1185]

But Indi and I disagree all the time. In this very thread, Indi and I have disagreed. She called me an idiot and I still wasn't offended by anything she said.

Maybe some girls like the topic of "rape" and their boyfriend being paired together. Personally it's not really my cup o' tea.

No, no. You're misunderstanding. Vash had pointed out that you were in fact a part of the decision-making process, and willing to do so.
If you had not wanted sex, and he did it anyway, THEN it would have been rape.

[LailaK]

Why did you bring up rape in the first place? If you had read the thread you would have read the part where I agreed with Vash.

[lilly1185]

Why did you bring up rape in the first place? If you had read the thread you would have read the part where I agreed with Vash.

It was a half though that never really came full circle.
Sort of a point out this would be an entirely different thread if you had not been consensual.