Learned some things -- accidentally -- about my wife's previous sex life

[CrashDavis89]

Hey Gig, you on AIM? thought I might send you a chat . .

[Gigabitch]

Giga is very quick to blame the OTHER person who has no chance to defend her/him self.

She's welcome to log on and defend herself.

Hey Gig, you on AIM? thought I might send you a chat . .

I don't AIM at work, so it's a no-go. I'll PM you, though.

[vashti]

Sorry crash, but something isn't right about your story. If something as prevalant as herpes could actually kill me, I'm pretty sure I would be insisting on STD testing before I had sex with someone. I mean, 75-80% of the population has it. I also cannot imagine any employer punishing you for contracting something so common, which incidentally can be contracted by sharing a beverage with someone or from kissing your mother. Also, STD testing does not routinely include herpes screening unless you specifically ask for it. You should check with your testing physician to see if they did it.

I still also think you have no right to detailed information about her sex life before you married. Do you really think you are entitled to specifics about what made someone else a good lover? Is she supposed to tell you what positions she did it in? Ridiculous. If you want some tips on how to make love, go buy the book "Joy of Sex".

I think your expectations are bordering on the outrageous and have the potential to create even more damage than you perceive she has done.

[IndiReloaded]

Bill Clinton lied about his use of pot.... still, he was a great president.

Is your wife a good wife? Or are you looking for a reason to ditch her?

[CrashDavis89]

While I didn't insist on STD test results from my wife before we had sex, we did discuss STDs and herpes and she told me she had never tested positive (a true statement, since she had never been tested at that point) nor been with anyone who had an STD (that part of course was the non-truth). Regarding employer punishing you for an STD . . . clearly you have never worked a job that required a security clearance or exposure to sensitive information.

The physicals I mentioned, where herpes was part of the STD screen was a physical that my employer (who specialized in work requiring cleared individuals) paid for . .and yes, it was more extensive than you are likely to find elsewhere. I was required to sign a release that acknowledged I knew what they were screening for and the consequences. The medical forms had more legal information
than medical.

I wasn't looking for details on activities with prior lovers, simply things she liked that might be part of our repoirtoire that reflected what I knew and did. My wife likes it when I ask a lot of questions regarding her gratification.

The "Joy of Sex" is over-rated. I much prefer the "Guide to Getting it On." Seriously, if you don't have a copy, go get it.

[kai]

I don't want to be a bad guy here... but you know you got yourself a wrong deal when you marry a girl who dated 80 guys in 10 years.. that's like 1.5 month/guy on average..

[CrashDavis89]

none of them were 'the right guy.'

After she met and married me, she was happy and blissful and completely content. That's what she tells me, anyway.

[lesa]

She was not tested and didn't tell me. Also, she HAS carried those behaviors over into our married life (go back a few posts and read about her sales meeting trip). By her own admission, she has come close to cheating in our married life and by her own admission fears that she will and doesn't know how to stop herself, hence her desire to go to counseling.

Now, with regards to the STD (in this case, the guy had herpes), my knowing is relevant for two reasons:

1) Health . . . when I was a kid, like lots of kids before the vaccine, I had chicken pox. Chicken pox is a herpetic virus, after the initial active stage (when you get the blisters you are told not to scratch) the virus goes dormant and lives in the fluid in your spinal column, largely in a semi-comatose state (in virus terms). It can however, become active again, and move along nerve networks in your body and cause flare ups (this is what causes shingles). It can also cause various forms of neuralgia, which results in a temporary paralysis of the muscles controlled by the effected nerves (a Bell's palsey, commonly resulting in paralysis of facial muscles can caused by this). In my case, the neuralgia commonly affects shoulder and upper arm muscles and also the heart muscles. For years I have had to take medicine to address to avoid overstressing the cardiac muscle. This is rare but it does happen. Untreated, it can cause heart attack and death. Catching something like herpes (a virus that moves and attacks in a similar fashion) can cause a serious cardiac event and even death. Before she and I got married, we went through all the "joint" business stuff married couples do, including life insurance. My health condition was discussed at the time. She was aware of my condition. We had the health questionnaire ahead of time, we read the questions ahead of time, which included inquiries about STDs and herpes, and she never volunteered the info (nor had she or did she get tested).Now I don't know about you, but withholding info that could harm or kill me, yeah I think it's my business to know; second:

2) Livlihood . . .at the time, I had a job that required a govt security clearance . . . having an STD is a big no-no in the govt, especially for a married man. Even though I could have argued that I got it from my wife, it is often assumed the affected individual got it from a prostitute, is therefore corruptible, can therefore be bribed to sell sensitive information, is therefore a security risk, will therefore lose his clearance and thus his job. Again, I discussed the nature of my work with her (since it required I travel from time to time and might not be available on my mobile depending on the installation). The details of clearance work, and the implications of STDs were discussed. Again, not a word from her.

Again, I think in deferece to the reasons cited above, it is my business.

If it was that important, you would have required STI testing from EVERY sexual partner...not take their word. That wouldn't make sense. And you would do it not once but often such as every six months.

I took six-month physicals starting three years prior to meeting my wife and have every year since. An STD screening is always part of the lab work.

Yes, she was tested three years after we were married, as part of the rountine bloodword for her pregnancy.

Everyone is healthy with no STD.

I'm assuming this includes herpes testing. Do the testing every six-months and have the wife included. She should understand. It's for health and business. It's your body and you can put that kind of requirement on it.

[Doc Durian]

No, I don't think it's anything to do with you, actually. It's about her, right? Everything is, I would imagine. Am I wrong?

It does seem like a bit of a conundrum.

Being committed in a monogamous relationship to someone who bases their own self worth from their ability to attract, and presumably sleep with others (either in fantasy or reality).

Particularly with the gender roles and any previously associated gender traits (whether accurate or not) having role reversed in this instance.

Maybe I'm wrong to say or think this way, but to me she appears to be manipulating her husband in order to avoid fully address her issues, and by doing so, she's actually reinforcing the underlying causes for this behavior. Presumably, to be in control.

Tough one...

[vashti]

Bill Clinton lied about his use of pot.... still, he was a great president.

Is your wife a good wife? Or are you looking for a reason to ditch her?

I think the latter. If not to ditch her, then to punish her ad nauseum.

[Rollerderby]

I just took the time to read all seven pages of this process. Go me.

I have to agree that this behavior is somewhat manipulative (which is an understatement.)

You are married to a woman you love. True. She has shown deceitful behavior that does not seem like it came out of her voluntarily.

Now she doesn't want to talk about it. She wants to move on, when you are clearly not ready to. She can also not move on because she has not made peace with it. I agree with Gigabitch in that you kind of need to keep probing..

One of my best friends is having issues of intimacy, that while very different from your situation, remind me a lot about the emotional space between the two of you.

-She is worried you can't accept the life she had before you. i.e. she does not accept the life she had before you and believes that in order to get you and keep you, she needs to pretend to be someone else. Basically re-writing her life story to fit a rosier glow.
-Because she is capable of lying to herself, and lying to you, it is clear she has issues she needs to work on with you as her partner. It sounds like you are a very loving and supportive person and I have to give you kudos for that. You are going to need to be the strong one for a while, while she (if she is capable) works out her shit.
- I think IndieReloaded had a pretty good idea about you starting to give her more carnal attention. Think role-playing, dirty nasty sex, but also the day to day attraction.

However... she did say she needs other men's attention to be fulfilled. While most women (and men) love it when any and all of the opposite gender pay attention to them, to have that be the only thing that fulfills your need for self-worth... is dangerous. That's a whole lotta low self-esteem baggage you just found out about. Your image of who you thought your wife is, and who she really is might be two completely different pictures.

If you love her, fight for her with her. She is fighting herself, but be warned that you CANNOT FIX HER. Only she can truly do that. If she really loves you, she will understand why you can't bury this.

Keep pushing. It's better to see now what your marriage is truly made of, than to live in a lie.

[Gigabitch]

Keep pushing. It's better to see now what your marriage is truly made of, than to live in a lie.

Yeah. That.