Making female friends. I wanna be in the friend zone.

[THX]

This thread actually relieves me quite a bit. I've been good company to several women I've met but never got numbers and kept a lot of contact or anything. Just being friendly when I saw them again. I guess I was stressing out a bit that they thought I was anti social for just keeping things at the acquaintance level. Now I know it's what they expect if I don't want to get in there pants so this info is a bit of a win for me.

[IndiReloaded]

In reality we're just keeping up appearances (i.e. suppressing thoughts and desires, because it's the right thing to do). No harm in that, but it can be more work than it's worth, and as Indi stated, sometimes the line can get blurry. Better to just flirt and have fun w/out getting too involved and lose your footing on that slippery slope.

Again, I agree. Even the friend I mention--if he weren't such an old family friend I don't think we'd have gotten so close. I have other male 'friends' but none w/the same kind of dynamic at all. There's a boundary there that just doesn't get crossed. But the familiarity of such an old relationship and history blurs the boundary, as perhaps one would expect but it would be very awkward if this happened w/a new acquaintance and that rush of attraction hormones, etc. This is why I say that your childhood friend is not the standard, Searock. And also: beware.

Just to add men and women perceive "relationships" differently. Women can admire a guy without any sexual attraction (friends zone), for guys it's all or nothing. The ladder theory explains it. It's guys that can't have close friendship with women without wondering if they can sleep with them or not.

I was wondering when someone was going to mention ladder theory. I agree w/this also. Again tho, is it *bad* to be friends w/someone you have an attraction to? That guy in the video I mentioned was quite blunt about his interest in that girl. She seemed in a bit of denial, but so long as he's okay w/admitting it and being fine with no sex then... okay? or not?

[IndiReloaded]

I guess I was stressing out a bit that they thought I was anti social for just keeping things at the acquaintance level. Now I know it's what they expect if I don't want to get in there pants so this info is a bit of a win for me.

I think you are being very sensible. FWIW.

[searock]

Again, I agree. Even the friend I mention--if he weren't such an old family friend I don't think we'd have gotten so close. I have other male 'friends' but none w/the same kind of dynamic at all. There's a boundary there that just doesn't get crossed. But the familiarity of such an old relationship and history blurs the boundary, as perhaps one would expect but it would be very awkward if this happened w/a new acquaintance and that rush of attraction hormones, etc. This is why I say that your childhood friend is not the standard, Searock. And also: beware.

Well surely the boundary crossing can only occur when there is already a strong, precisely defined friendship (in which case it isn't even a boundary crossing, it's just spontaneous behavior). The longer you're friends with someone, the better defined the friendship is. So with my 8 years friend I feel comfortable doing things that might still feel awkward if done with my 3.5 years friend. I know childhood friends are not the standard: there *is* no standard since apparently it doesn't work at all for some people. It's just how it works for me. I feel comfortable having lunch or even dinner (in a non-intimate environment, like a fast food), and obviously generally hanging out, with my 3.5 years friend. I feel comfortable doing those things with my 8 years friend too, but I also feel comfortable going for drinks with him at night, watching movies together occasionally, inviting him over at my place (not frequently), etc. More intimate things that I wouldn't dream of doing with a guy other than my boyfriend, if our friendship weren't so strong and definite. The younger you are when you make friends with someone, the stronger that friendship gets when you grow up (if the friendship survives at all, of course). When I meet new friends now, as an adult, I am constantly on the lookout for possible signals of attraction, from either side. It takes months to convince me that there is no attraction at all on either side - and even then, due to past experiences, I know that anything can change quickly. All it takes is a glance or a touch and attraction can appear. I just don't think I should worry, until (and IF) it does.

It all comes down to this: I don't believe that guys can't be friends with women they aren't attracted to. I *know* that they can, thanks to direct experience.

[IndiReloaded]

I also feel comfortable going for drinks with him at night, watching movies together occasionally, inviting him over at my place (not frequently), etc. More intimate things that I wouldn't dream of doing with a guy other than my boyfriend, if our friendship weren't so strong and definite.

REally? Wow this totally sounds like more than friends. Does he ever invite you to his place? What do you mean by 'more intimate'? Do you take showers w/him, lol. Anyway, unless he's gay I would say this guy likes you and is hiding it very well. Even if you asked him, you might not get a true answer for a number of reasons. Or maybe I'm just old-fashioned and close-minded, I'm prepared to admit that possibility.

Anyway, usually women do have a sense that a man likes them 'that way'. You say not, so I say: okay Searock. Shrug.

[smackie9]

I work with guys all day long and I can usually tell what's whirling around in their brains. I catch them in that "looking at the ass" trance when an office girl walks past them lol. Guys can be so obvious lol. Tits and ass has such a power over them......

[smackie9]

I was wondering when someone was going to mention ladder theory. I agree w/this also. Again tho, is it *bad* to be friends w/someone you have an attraction to? That guy in the video I mentioned was quite blunt about his interest in that girl. She seemed in a bit of denial, but so long as he's okay w/admitting it and being fine with no sex then... okay? or not?

It's not a bad thing. Whatever goes on in ones head is no one elses business. Seen it written in many posts how guys don't want to sacrifice the friendship over their desire....they just keep their mouth shut and live with it. Personally I don't think that's a healthy thing to do, to live in torment like that....but oh well.

[searock]

REally? Wow this totally sounds like more than friends. Does he ever invite you to his place? What do you mean by 'more intimate'? Do you take showers w/him, lol. Anyway, unless he's gay I would say this guy likes you and is hiding it very well. Even if you asked him, you might not get a true answer for a number of reasons. Or maybe I'm just old-fashioned and close-minded, I'm prepared to admit that possibility.

Anyway, usually women do have a sense that a man likes them 'that way'. You say not, so I say: okay Searock. Shrug.

I know it sounds like that, but we've been doing those things since we were kids, so it's pretty normal for us to still do them once in a while (like, once every 5 months or something: we barely see each other at all, because we don't live in the same town anymore. We talk on the phone like once a month, and when we get to see each other, we just want to chat away for hours). By "more intimate things" I was referring to the things I said in the sentence before (going out for drinks etc), nothing more! Things that I wouldn't do with just any guy friend of mine, because it would probably feel awkward/uncomfortable. Obviously I don't take showers with him :-D! There is no physical contact at all, never has been. I think in all the time we've known each other, we've only hugged once, on the last day of our last school year. I realize that most people seeing us from the outside would think that we have something "going on", I likely would too, if I saw two other people in the same situation. It just seems to work for us, at least it has up till now :-).

[searock]

What's with the disappearing posts?

[haxan]

What's with the disappearing posts?

I don't know, I usually don't talk about my personal life in detail, but I spend 10 minutes typing out a 4 paragraph event that was a perfect reference to this thread and it's gone. So much for that !

[smackie9]

I already sent on a message to the moderator, they are looking into the issues.

[searock]

Thank you smackie :-).