Part 2

[Cain]

I would like to get some married people's opinions on this constant romantic love and desire.

From different expert opinions I've ready, people keep searching for love all their life because they keep looking for that head over heels love that they expect to be there forever. That's one of the reasons you said that you don't want to live with a guy, right? Because the more time you spend, the more of that desire you lose. It happens. Relationships go through ruts.

Soul mates don't exist. There's no person that is going to give you this desire for the rest of your life. The goal is to find a life partner, someone that you're compatible with, and someone that you have fun with.

Regardless, I'm pretty much pulling my emotions back now. I'm not going to wait for her. The December deadline doesn't exist anymore. I'm moving on with my life. I still want the visit in September because I have stuff of hers that I want to give back but that's pretty much it. I just give up.

[lesa]

No, I didn't say anything about head over heels. I don't get that lovey feeling. I'm quite realistic (sometimes lol). I don't want to live with him because: 1. I want marriage to feel like a different phase in my life. 2. I don't want to pick out any reasons to not marry him...I might do that if he lives with me and then there would be no bond (such as marriage) to have me overlook b.s.

I have never gotten a head over heels feeling with a man that approaches me. It takes me YEARS to fully love someone. I have an issue with romantic love and is working on it. I feel so compatible with the bf I have now that I am feeling differently about love. Unfortuately, this is a casual one.

[Cain]

I just feel weird about this whole situation.

One day we're in love, talking about marriage and children.

A couple of days later, we're broken up and she acts so cold and distant towards me sometimes.

I don't know what happened to her, but it's just hard to look at her and see the girl I fell in love with... the girl that I made so many memories with.

I know that it's possible to break up with someone that you truly love. I don't think it's possible to just act so coldly to that person when there wasn't anything done in the relationship. I could understand if I had cheated on her or hit her or something... but not without doing anything.

I went ahead and removed the pictures of us from my Facebook and gathered up any remaining pictures I had of her and put them in the box. I have a sinking feeling that when it comes close to September, she's going to change her mind about the visit. I already don't see myself being with her anymore and that will confirm it, so I'll bring her that box anyways. It'll only cost a little more to drive the heavy box over there and I'd rather see her expression when she gets that box of shit and I'd like to say a couple more things to her before I drop her from my life completely.

The trust has been slashed and I don't know if I could ever get it back.

[Cain]

As more time passes, I start to realize more that we most likely will never get back together. I think that she has a lot of emotional problems and she can just turn them off it seems. When we'd get into a small argument, she'd cry. She's done that a few times. The night we broke up, she cried. But now, the breakup doesn't seem to bother her in the slightest. Her roommate told me that she apparently doesn't get sad when relationships end. When she and her last bf broke up, she wasn't bothered by it.

Which... bothers me simply because I'm not like all of her other bfs. I actually treated her well. I didn't call her names. I didn't hit her. I didn't force her to have sex.

She doesn't think she needs to see a therapist, but I think she does. Her emotions are hot and cold, on and off. It sucks, because I really did love this girl. As stupid as it sounds, this was the most I've ever felt for someone that I was in a relationship with.

Maybe one day she'll realize that she has a problem when she can't stay close to anyone. And hopefully she realizes the mistake she made when she ended things with us.

[misombra]

maybe she'd stay with you if you beat her up or yelled at her once in a while.

the victim role is just as common as the offender role.

[shh!]

Pardon the change of subject, but Cain - do you have a blood pressure cuff? If so, would you please look at the pressure guage and tell me where the needle rests when uninflated? I took my blood pressure this morning, and it shows 98/62, which is obviously highly unlikely. I am thinking my pressure guage must be be off by about 20 mmHg.

[lesa]

maybe she'd stay with you if you beat her up or yelled at her once in a while.

the victim role is just as common as the offender role.

Thank you misombra for saying what I was too afraid of saying. I read about it. She is so used to it, it's sad. She probably doesn't even realize it.

[misombra]

but just as she brought you out of your shell it's possible that you changed her too, even if just a little bit. maybe she'll think before she gets with shady guys. there will be so many more people in your path it's best sometimes to take the lesson and let it make you a better person.

[Cain]

but just as she brought you out of your shell it's possible that you changed her too, even if just a little bit. maybe she'll think before she gets with shady guys. there will be so many more people in your path it's best sometimes to take the lesson and let it make you a better person.

I'd rather it not be some other guy that gets to be with her.

[starbuck]

It sounds like to me if she doesn't go into therapy, she WILL end up having some sort of breakdown eventually. You can't have that much crap going on in your past to not deal with it. You were probably the best thing that ever happened to her, and she's blowing it. However much you love her, she sounds like she's in that wishy-washy mode where she needs to get her own shit sorted about before she can really love anyone else.

Besides, she's a fool for giving up such a good guy.

[lesa]

Besides, she's a fool for giving up such a good guy.

I feel bad for her. She doesn't really know any better. That's probaby why she wanted him to "abuse" her during sex play. He is too good to be true to her. She is going to take a very long time to recover. She needs a combination of therapy, meds, sleep deprivation, etc. Her parents and friends do not seem to be helping her much but I don't know the details.

I've read that people like her would almost rather go back to an abusive relationship because they get something out of it. It's weird. Seems like she would rather re live her past every year. She needs to stop that now.

[shh!]

I've read that people like her would almost rather go back to an abusive relationship because they get something out of it. It's weird.

Of course they get something out of it: self esteem. It's a sick, twisted win-win situation for them. If the abusive partner remains abusive, then she gets to be the victim, and everyone feels sorry for her and thinks she is such a better person than he is. If the abusive partner changes his ways and becomes the great guy that she deep down thinks he is, then she gets to be the patient, loving, caring hero that helped him through his darkest moments.

Girls who don't get therapy after having an abusive past also usually find themselves bored with normal guys. They get a little bit hooked on all the drama.

[lesa]

Pardon the change of subject, but Cain - do you have a blood pressure cuff? If so, would you please look at the pressure guage and tell me where the needle rests when uninflated? I took my blood pressure this morning, and it shows 98/62, which is obviously highly unlikely. I am thinking my pressure guage must be be off by about 20 mmHg.

When uninflated, the pressure gauge is exactly at 6 o'clock. Sometimes it may be very very very slightly off. It should not be near the 20 mmHG. It's about equal distance in spaces as the other numbers.

[shh!]

When uninflated, the pressure gauge is exactly at 6 o'clock. Sometimes it may be very very very slightly off. It should not be near the 20 mmHG. It's about equal distance in spaces as the other numbers.

Thanks, Lesa... that's what I thought, although I don't know why I never thought to look before... then again, I've not gotten a pressure reading that was questionable before. I guess I'll buy a new cuff (that's probably cheaper than having it recalibrated).

[Cain]

I have an update but I don’t think it deserves a new thread, so I’ll post it here. It’ll probably be the last update for a while.

We spoke again last night and I wanted to make sure that our last conversation ended on a good note. She suggested that we take a week or two and don’t speak to each other at all... no messages, no texts, no phone calls. I don’t mind, though it does hurt because I really do enjoy talking to her. She wants to see how we both feel after those couple weeks pass. I don’t know if it’s her way of saying “let’s see how we both feel” or “let’s see if you’re over this in a couple weeks and if not, let’s not talk for a while longer.”

She’s a believer in fate. If it’s meant to be, it’ll be. Normally, I’d think she’s saying that so that she can say we’re done for good without having to tell me that and hurt me, especially after she said that she doesn’t want me to wait for her. If I hadn’t known that she’s believed in fate ever since I’ve known her, then I’d think she was letting me down easy. She won’t tell me we’re done forever. All she’ll say that is that if we’re meant to be together, we’ll be together no matter what. No matter if we both get into other relationships or don’t speak for several months. I tend to think that if we don’t speak for several months, feelings will dissipate and it’s likely that we’ll never get back together again. Have any of you ever broken up with someone because you didn’t feel that the same feelings were there for them and ended up realizing it was a mistake several months or years after? She keeps telling me that she doesn’t want to give me false hope, which is another reason I believed she was letting me down easy, but it still does fit into that fate thing. I don’t like fate.

It kills me that there were things I did wrong, but she didn’t communicate it and she just looked at it as “we aren’t compatible.” I used to play computer games all the time and it affected our relationship and my studies. When she’d nap, or shower, or go to the gym, or get on her computer, I’d play the game. Well, it bothered her a lot I guess and she felt that she should have a guy that wants to spend his time with her... that it wouldn’t matter if I played the games if we saw each other all the time. And I understand that, but I wish she would have communicated how much it bothered her so I could have stopped.

I told her that no matter what happens... whether we get back together or not... whether we’re friends or not... I’ll always love her. She told me that a part of her will always love me too because I was a part of her life. I tried to bring back some good memories and tell her how good it felt at the beginning of our visits when I got to hold her in my arms... and how amazing it was to look into her eyes after we kissed. She told me “I’d rather not talk about this if that’s alright.” I don’t know if she said that because she’s trying not to think about that stuff so this doesn’t bother her or if she just doesn’t care anymore. Since we’ve broken up, she says she’s been happy. Not happy that we broke up, but that she hasn’t been sad. She just feels like that flame is gone I guess.

I feel helpless. I feel like there’s nothing I can do to fix it. In any crisis, I can do something to change it. If my car breaks down, I can get it fixed. If I slack off in school, I can bust my ass to study for it. If I get need money, I can work more to get it. I can’t do anything here. I’ve done all I can do and it all comes back to “if we’re meant to be together, we’ll be together.” All I can do now is sit back, not speak to her for these couple of weeks or until she speaks to me, and hope that she misses me. I asked her how fate can bring us back together if we don’t talk and she said that if we miss each other, that’s fate showing us that we’re supposed to be together. I honestly don’t even know if she’ll miss me.

My plan, as it stands, is this: I’m going to finish my schooling and graduate in March like I planned. I’ll apply to my next program at my current school and that will start in September of 2009. So, from April through August, I’ll really have nothing to do except work, so I’m thinking I’m going to move to the city she’s in for a few months. I’ll work, continue going to the gym, and rent a room from someone for several months. That way, it’ll give us a chance to try to be friends and see if something happens from that. We would be able to see each other when we wanted and when we had time... we wouldn’t have to try to squeeze a visit in every few weeks. And I’d have nothing to lose. All I can do is work for those months anyways, so it’s not like I’m putting my future on hold. No matter what I’m coming back here for school, but if things progress in those several months, then it was worth it. I will be working and making more money than I am now so I can definitely afford to have more visits with her if we do get back together after that several month break in her city. I figure a visit every two weeks would be fine. If we even get back together. I’m not holding my breath. I’ll date around, but I’m not looking for a serious relationship. If something happens, then I’ll go with it, but I’m not looking. As pathetic as it sounds, I’m still in love with her and I really do want us to get back together.

Feel free to offer any advice and opinions. I’ll accept and respond to it all.

And for those of you that thought there was another guy, I made sure I asked again. I was curious. She didn’t leave me because of another guy, but she did say there was a male friend of hers that she hung out with for several weeks while she was at home... someone that she’s known for a few years. She just said that she had fun hanging out with him, but that there wasn’t anything there. She said that they didn’t do anything and that they didn’t even talk about dating. She just mentioned it because I kept asking if there was another guy and she figured I should know that. If there was something there, she would have told me... so I don’t think she left me for him. She said she didn’t know what would happen with him, and once again mentioned that whatever’s meant to happen will happen. I’ve never been one to interfere in a relationship, but if she’s dating someone and it’s not a serious relationship when I graduate in March, I’m still moving there. I was with her first and I already have feelings for her. I’ll be damned if I just sit back and let “fate” handle shit. Moving there for those few months is the last thing I can do to see what happens. If it works out, then that will be great. If it doesn’t, then I won’t have to think “what if” all my life.