I Miss My Wife

[Petit Papillon]

You don't think the love between a man and his child, and a man and his wife differ?

I think that it differs a lot. Or at least should differ. Cause look. A guy meets a woman and he fells in love , but this love can end under certain circumstances . In the end , it's a stranger who grows in his heart ,but there's nothing more that bounds them together . Only the feeling. And then there is a guy who becomes a father, his own child , his own blood. Nothing can change that, the child will always be a part of him and at least in a normal situation , father will always love his child, no matter what this child does . They will always be bonded together. So I don't see how love between a woman and a man is the same between a parent and a child.

[Junket]

I think that it differs a lot. Or at least should differ. Cause look. A guy meets a woman and he fells in love , but this love can end under certain circumstances . In the end , it's a stranger who grows in his heart ,but there's nothing more that bounds them together . Only the feeling. And then there is a guy who becomes a father, his own child , his own blood. Nothing can change that, the child will always be a part of him and at least in a normal situation , father will always love his child, no matter what this child does . They will always be bonded together. So I don't see how love between a woman and a man is the same between a parent and a child.

Men have varying reactions towards their children, especially if they are younger. Men bond better with kids as they age, unlike women who bond at childbirth.

But again, you admit it's different, so let the man have his thread about the love between him and his wife and leave his kid out of this.

[leoben]

My dad never bothered to come and visit, and good for him! Who the hell wants to be stuck around some guy who views spending time with you as some kind of unpleasant chore. Had enough of that with the step father, thank you real dad for sparing me a double dose of it. If you're a guy and really not into your kids do them a favor and don't force awkward visits just to look noble, pay the child support and let them be. If they are smart they will figure out it was for the best when they grow up.

My Uncle was in a mediocre relationship in his late 20's. As he neared 30 he decided he wanted kids and had them with the woman he was with. Within a couple of years they hated each other. They stayed together for the kids. Now their children are 18 & 20. Their mother has disappeared. Just walked out and the kids are devastated. I am certain if they had broken up when the kids were young and - as you say - shared responsibility of the kids (please don't take my approval of single parents as approval of dead beat parents. It is possible to be one with out the other) she would not have disappeared.

What you don't seem to be taking into account is the amount of couples that settle for someone they are not compatible with for the long term, have children and end up completely miserable. These are the couples I am talking about. I also don't think people should jump straight to divorce. I think people should take responsibility for any shit they may be causing well before it gets to the divorce stage. If though, the couple is truly incompatible children are not a reason to stay together. Wouldn't you prefer happy parents than miserable parents? I know I would.

I don't have kids, but I have a much younger sister I consider my kid in some ways. I would NEVER just disappear on her no matter how much I loathe her real father. If you have a bond with a child you just don't do that, period. I really doubt she would have been any better a mother if they separated earlier. I totally agree with your second paragraph though.

[Petit Papillon]

Men have varying reactions towards their children, especially if they are younger. Men bond better with kids as they age, unlike women who bond at childbirth.

But again, you admit it's different, so let the man have his thread about the love between him and his wife and leave his kid out of this.

It just simply proves the point that this guys morals are definitely on the wrong track. How can you choose a stranger over your own blood?
It would sound better , that he misses her if he would also do his role as a father. But he does it only in "some" way. He shouldn't expect people to feel bad for him if he doesn't feel bad for his kid, right? Or how it's working.

[Junket]

It just simply proves the point that this guys morals are definitely on the wrong track. How can you choose a stranger over your own blood?
It would sound better , that he misses her if he would also do his role as a father. But he does it only in "some" way. He shouldn't expect people to feel bad for him if he doesn't feel bad for his kid, right? Or how it's working.

You sound like Indie, which scares me more than anything.

[Petit Papillon]

You sound like Indie, which scares me more than anything.

Lol what? Noo , I speak only from my experience. I always wished to have my both parents near me and I didn't so I wish for other kids to have their both parents love them very much.

[DannyH]

It's just how he worded the line and how he mentioned his kid that irks me.

I have to go back to California once a month on personal business and to visit my son (he's six, almost seven), and I really hate being away from my wife.

Its like he is obligated to go to cali for personal business and just because his business is close to his child then he will visit. Take the personal business part out of the line makes it sound like he would never visit his kid.

but damn cut the guy some slack there is always more to the story the meets the eye.

[HeartIsAching]

Of course it is. Why would you think anything different? Ideally, (if the parents are divorced) regular two weekends per month would be better (that's what most divorced dads get when sharing custody) but since that's not possible at the moment the once a month and skype and telephone calls in between visits is better than nothing until dad moves closer. I'm more than sure HIA's son feels that the visits are certainly better than no visits whatsoever.

Kids, while growing up don't need to be seeing unhappy parents who argue and fight and don't show any love to one another. Even if the parents keep the arguing at bay and are staying together for the kids teach their children to be unemotional and unaffectionate because that's how they saw their mother and father (who were faking their marriage) interact with one another.

Not sure, perhaps HIA will share. if he doesn't I wont' blame him... he'd do well to stay away from the townsfolk and their pitchforks.

That's pretty much exactly the reason I left. His mother and I hadn't shared a bed in 5 or more years, our only interactions were at best cold and occasionally enraged on both ends. We were teaching our son all the wrong things about relationships between men and women.

I plan to move close to where my son lives once I know where that is, and it's financially feasible. It's going to be a year and a half to two years. In the meantime, I visit monthly, call regularly he uses his mother's netbook to skype with me, and yes, I know his teacher's name, how he did in school this year, and how much he enjoyed his swim lessons this summer. I taught him to ride his bike last year.

Indi - if you don't like it you smug jackass, go play in traffic.

[Wakeup]

Re: absent parents. Are you kidding? You don't see the difference b/t a father that is absent to support the family and one who is absent b/c he chose to live with another woman? Children certainly know the difference.

Where pray tell did You read that he chose to move away from the kid to live with another woman? All we know at this point is that him and his son live apart and he can only afford (time and or money wise) to travel to him once a month. If you're going to keep arguing, please stick to the facts.

In addition to the potential moving of his ex and son, HIA has made being close to his son dependent on his new wife finishing school, or didn't you read that part?

Yes I read it. Didn't you read the part that he has to wait to see where his ex is moving to before he moves as well? Selective reading ?

As I said, many professional couples live apart and see each other on weekends. He could totally choose to flip his model in favour of his kid IF HE WANTED TO. How about living close to ones kids until ones adult partner could join you?

Perhaps due to his job, the enconomy, circumstances that he hasn't related? I'll give him the benefit of the doubt until he shares more. As I said, I'd not blame him if he chose to stay away from those that would rather hang him now and ask questions later.

Or mbe the fact that HIAs new wife also has her own children from another marriage means her kids come first?

You're adding your own facts again. Which if you start to believe your own stuff, will make you disrespect the OP even more while basing your disrespect on non factual circumstances.

So sure. I can imagine a lot of ways this might have evolved. But, no matter how you slice this nor whatever excuses one makes for the situation, I know that his little boy would much prefer to have his dad around more than once a month.

How could you possibly even know that? If we are going to conjure up scenerios I'd prefer to think hes adjusted nicely and he looks forward to dad coming every month.

I'm sure its easy to explain to his peers at school why dad isn't ever around and I'm sure it doesn't affect him in the slightest.

Unfortunately, He's not alone in being from a divorced family. Op's son's advantage is that he can say dad comes once a month and this is what we did when he came last time. Too, too many can't even say that because their father took off and left them high and dry from love and finanacially. Perhaps you can give the OP some slack for at least being there when he can be.

This argument could very well be perpetual. You once asked me this question in another thread which begs the same question of you. You are rather rabid about this thread, do you have personal experience?

[HeartIsAching]

My wife's kids are grown.

One of mine is grown. The only one that isn't is my 6 year old.

And we'll probably move before she's finished with school - we just need to be in a better financial situation first.

[misombra]

I don't get why people are on indis case for advocating a good family life for kids. People in this world treat kids horribly and indis comments are offensive for you. Look around.

[Wakeup]

I don't get why people are on indis case for advocating a good family life for kids. People in this world treat kids horribly and indis comments are offensive for you. Look around.

You are mistaken... no one is arguing about Indi's stance on good family life in general.

We are arguing her stance on this particular (Op's) case, he is doing the best he can with what he's got. No one is arguing with Indy about advocating good family life and values in general. We all advocate those. Well, except the creitens that have kids and don't want anything, anything at all to do with them. Theres too much of that going on for sure.

[Junket]

I'm on indie's case because her points are irrelevant.

[KingZ]

I think Indi was misinterpreting the way HIA presented his situation with his son to write posts implying he isn't a good father. I mean, just because he's writing about missing his wife doesn't mean he misses his son any more or less than her. This is a love forum.

For the record, HIA, you sound like an awesome dad to me.

[IndiReloaded]

A man has the right to miss his wife without having to worry about some e-jerks trying to guilt him about something completely unrelated.

Its completely related:

I have to go back to California once a month on personal business and to visit my son (he's six, almost seven), and I really hate being away from my wife.

You'd think it'd get easier with successive visits, but it doesn't, it gets harder.

If this isn't a guy who is putting his new wife ahead of his own child, dunno what is. He's not saying its hard to LEAVE his kid each time he visits, he's saying the exact opposite.

They think a man with a child should not have their own life.

You can't conceive of having a life while managing one's responsibilities? You are of very limited intelligence, if so.

You have already stated you expect your partner to put you ahead of their own child. This means you'll attract men you can never rely on to be responsible if it means he might have to sacrifice his own wants for someone else. But you sound selfish yourself, so I suppose this fits well with your comfort zone. Personally, I could never trust a man who would put anyone ahead of his own children/family well-being. Maybe that's the reason I'm married to the kind of person I am, and he is married to me. Matching values. You get what you expect from life, good luck with it.