Please help me clean up the mess I've made!

[Crunor]

Why don't you just tell him you like him in a non-friend way? Women...

[Ellynn]

So, now you want to go away with him on a day trip? Is this because your feeling guilty for avoiding him more lately? Or maybe cause he's wondering whats up and is feeling hurt?

Maybe instead of saying how you feel about him(which I know your afraid to do), why not explain to him your other reasons for distancing yourself from him?

Explain to him that you are looking for a relationship just like he is (with other people). Explain to him that because he is around so much, it kinda makes it hard to meet men that aren't intimidated by him being around or get the wrong idea. Explain to him that even though you value his friendship, you want to settle down someday, and the only way to do this is by having some space to be able to find someone to do that with.

I mean by saying this your not at all telling him he should pursue you, but it will let him know WHAT you ARE looking for and that being super close w/ him is NOT helping.
IF he IS interested, then maybe this will give him something to think about. IF he ISN'T then hopefully he is decent enough to back off so that you can be happy. IF he is a true friend & NOT interested in you for a relationship, he will back off and let you live your life so that you can find that happiness.


You do sound like you are making excuses to be around him. I mean of course because you like him ALOT! But if your gonna make a decision, your gonna have to do it all the way! Halfway is not gonna cut it! He will never get the picture, if you keep this up.
Its true that if you wanted to distance yourself somewhat, you would NOT shower in his place even if it is more convienent. (Are you hoping he will catch you coming out of the shower or something? ) And you both have a dog together huh? That is understandable, but wow you guys are pretty darn close to have a pet together. Thats something usually people who date do.

And your friends with his roommate. Ok, that makes sense WHY you are hanging around. But still, instead of hanging around his place, why not invite the roommate over more or something to hang out. Kinda hard to break a habit if your constantly around your friend.

I'm not implying you should cut him off, but you still seem pretty close with him. If you want it to end up as a normal healthy friendship, you need to cut down on the contact.

I know secretly your thrilled at his increase of attention towards you since you made this decision. You cannot deny that! But, you need to stick to your guns. Its the only way things will ever change for the better.

[Ellynn]

Why don't you just tell him you like him in a non-friend way? Women...

We tried to get her to do that. She decided she doesn't want to. I agree that would probably end the drama the easiest way, but well you can give advice and people either take it or they don't.

[Blix]

Have you given him an altimatem? Like just end it here and now?

Either BF & GF (Yes) or never see eachother again (No). Otherwise you're keeping yourself in this situation.

Oh and if he does say no one of you will have to take the dog and you'll have to give up "Roommate".

Also, do you really want to be around the Roommate person, anyway? It just seems you're using him as kind of an inbetween.

Just finish it...

~Blix

[221bBakerStreet]

Well, it isn't that I refuse to take advice, simply that I am not sure spilling my guts to him at this point is the right thing for either of us. How unkind it would be for me to express romantic interest in him, date him for 2 months, and then dump him because I suddenly can't stand a bunch of stuff I've known about him all along??? Nothing I could do would break his heart more than that. Before I start something I can't stop, I want to be sure. And I care very, very much about hurting his feelings/breaking his heart.

Also, I don't particularly WANT to go out of town with him in the morning, but he keeps insisting on it, and I couldn't think of a good enough reason to say no. I've pretty much decided against the trip, as of right now, though.

And believe it or not, I don't enjoy drama or attention. I do, however, miss the hell out of my best friend. And I admit to being happy to see that he misses me too, but I already knew he would. However, I could honestly do without his constant insistance that I be everywhere HE is. I just need some damn space. Is that so horrible?

OF COURSE I am not hoping he will catch me coming out of the shower. That's gross. He would never invade my privacy that way, and besides, I am usually at his house when no one else is home (no one, that is, but the dog!). Whether or not I am making excuses to see him, well, that's arguable. I honestly don't know, and I will do some soul-searching and be honest with myself to find out. But if I am, I am honestly not doing it conciously.

The last two nights, I have run into him at his apartment because he has been coming home from work an hour earlier than usual. (He normally gets home at midnight on the dot, and he normally calls on his way home, either Roommate or (usually) me and lets me know where he is and how long till he gets here. Lately, he's not been calling anyone, and he's been coming home at like 11 p.m.) I just excuse myself as quickly as possible when that happens, but I never make it out fast enough to not need 6 or 7 excuses for why I don't want to hang around or go [fill in the blank] with him. You guys saw that Messenger conversation. He was still asking me to hang out with him AFTER I'd gone home already! Imagine what it was like when I was still over there!

This evening, BF invited (then asked, then insisted, then DEMANDED!) me to go hang out with him and listen to some music--something we used to do often and religiously. I politely declined, so he went without me (Him and Casey!). Later on, Roommate asked me to give him a ride out to where they were. I did. Was that an excuse to see BF? I don't think it was, but I will give it a think. (btw, I found out tonight that Casey is only 18, and that neither BF nor Roommate would ever touch her. Doesn't change anything for me, but I thought I would mention it.)

My aim now, is to try and get this friendship back down out of the clouds and onto the ground. I just need to put some brakes on right now. After that, I will figure out my next move when I get there. But damn, this is what I meant when I said it's tough to get away from him.

[vashti]

I think it is plain weird that you hang around his apartment when he is not there. Don't you have your own housing?

[Blix]

Well it seems kind of mean then that you're trying to break off ALL TIES. You are his best friend and I know that I need my best friend. Things just suck without them. You may not want to be his best friend but you are and really shouldn't just dump him like that.

It's just kind of messed up...

You should tell him that you want to be together and if he says no then tell him yuor time will be taken up prodominately by another guy who WILL take that space. Still, though, don't just dump him.

~Blix

[221bBakerStreet]

I think it is plain weird that you hang around his apartment when he is not there. Don't you have your own housing?

Of course I do.

I guess you're right about it being weird, and I never really thought about it that way. That's just the way it's "always" been. Well, not always. But I learned a few months ago that if I go over there, instead of them coming here, then I have control over what time I get to bed at night, and my apartment doesn't get trashed. And my bar stays stocked a lot longer this way, too.

Roommate is taking summer classes on campus, and he doesn't have a car. I LIVE practically on campus, so a lot of times after class, he just walks over here, and we hang out for a while, then I take him home, and we hang out there. Also, Roommate has a tendency to misplace his housekey; oftentimes I must let him into his own house.

Also, Roommate and BF were just good friends like a month ago; they only just moved in together, like a month ago. Ever since BF and I have had our pit bull, I have hung out at his house while he was at work. It's expected, and if I don't, I feel guilty. If I don't come over there, she will be home alone all day in a crate. It's different if I have something to do that night, but if I am just studying or watching a movie, why not do it over there so the baby can come out?

The dog may seem like an excuse, but at 7 months old, the Baby is already stronger than ME. In another 6 months, she'll be stronger than BF, too. And if she'd been spending 8-12 hours a day at home alone her whole life, and kept it up, she'd be no good to us or herself. If we don't socialize her well and get her under control NOW, we'll end up having to shoot her when she gets bigger.

And the baths over there are just a convenience, but I've only been doing that since I broke my leg (helping them move!). BF has spent many nights and showered over here many times, before. Matter fact, the more I think about it, the more I remember that even if I was at my OWN apartment when BF called and said he was on his way home from work, he would just come over here instead of going home, anyway. He always did.

btw, I just got off the phone with BF as I was typing this. I talked him into going out with Casey. I think this problem may soon solve itself, after all....

[Ellynn]

Thats cool you still want him as your best friend. Heck, even I have a best friend who is a male. But the difference is, is that he is gay. So it kinda eliminates any problems with any other males. Yes, he would get jealous over people stealing my attention back in the day, and it made me question why. But, I found out he felt like he was losing me as a friend, and not anything more. Trust me, I hoped he would change his mind (when we were alot younger) and decide to date girls again, even possibly me. I took a chance and told him how I felt, and he was flattered. But he told me theres just no way hes gonna change. I respected that, and our friendship even became better once I accepted that. So, we basically cleared that up once and for all. Things were alot better. He backed off more, and realized it was only fair to me to have a relationship.

I know my circumstances are a bit different and that your friend is straight, but I know how it is to really be into a friend and really care about him alot! Someone you can SHARE pretty much ANYTHING with. Its awesome. I would hate to see you throw that away because of feelings that you have. The only thing is that you still might have a chance, if you tell him.

I understand why now that you don't want to tell him how you feel. You feel that in a few months you will end up hurting him or losing interest. But, if this is how you honestly feel, you need to stick with it. Its good your encouraging him to date other people. He has that right you know. Even as much as it sometimes hurts you or you feel like the girl isn't good enough for him. Just like you have the right to pursue other men.

I understand why you don't want people over by you. But, would your friends really trash your place? What kind of friends are they if they would? I understand now about the dog, but then you have to set limits to what you all do with your best friend.

I still think you should explain to him why you are distancing yourself a bit from him. Tell him how you want to find someone and get into a relationship eventually. Also explain that him always being around might intimidate the guy. So, at least then you are being honest.

[Zero Interrupt]

Stop quoting love song lyrics with him, for chrissakes. He's obviously into you, and if you don't want to be with him, then stop sharing freaking love songs with him and leading him on. Give him the dog, or take it from him, because "just friends" don't share pets. They also don't shower in each other's baths, regardless of how convenient it may be. Don't work on his computer, tell him to hire a tech, and there is no valid excuse you can give to deny that recommendation.

You don't care one whit for this guy, it's obvious. Stop making his life hell.

Unless you DO care for him, in which case you, dear lady, are a selfish ****ing moron in the way you're handling things.

[vashti]

Someone had to say it.

[221bBakerStreet]

But what if I am not sure WHAT I want anymore. Am I not allowed to take some time alone to sort out my feelings before I make a move?

[Blix]

Has it occured to you to just tell him you want a week to yourself?

~Blix

[221bBakerStreet]

Has it occured to you to just tell him you want a week to yourself?

~Blix

BF (6/23/2006 3:34:59 PM): or i should say i would appreciate it if you would tell me what it is that has you upset with me.
Me (6/23/2006 3:35:22 PM): i'm not upset, BF
Me (6/23/2006 3:35:30 PM): will you please just leave me alone for a while?
Me (6/23/2006 3:35:36 PM): don't call me until i call you, okay?
BF (6/23/2006 3:35:51 PM): fine i will erase you number but i do need my key back
Me (6/23/2006 3:36:13 PM): i'm just asking for some space for a couple of days, BF
Me (6/23/2006 3:36:31 PM): please?
BF (6/23/2006 3:37:07 PM): if this is how youwant things to be, then ok, i remember the we cant be friends conversation, so i am glad you gave it another try, but it is not working so give me back the key and you do not have to worry about shit any more
Me (6/23/2006 3:37:29 PM): i will come find you when i want to talk to you
BF (6/23/2006 3:37:45 PM): dont bother
Me (6/23/2006 3:37:46 PM): just give me some time by myself right now
BF (6/23/2006 3:38:04 PM): that would take effort that you need for other things
Me (6/23/2006 3:38:38 PM): i've already put plenty of effort into you. a little more won't kill me. i will come find you in a few days, okay?Me (6/23/2006 3:38:42 PM): i just need some time alone
BF (6/23/2006 3:38:52 PM): like i said do not bother
Me (6/23/2006 3:38:54 PM): i will take the dog out while you're gone this weekend
Me (6/23/2006 3:39:00 PM): shut up
Me (6/23/2006 3:39:05 PM): drama queen
Me (6/23/2006 3:39:25 PM): everything is not about YOU
Me (6/23/2006 3:39:36 PM): have fun at Roommate's parent's thing
BF (6/23/2006 3:39:46 PM): no but this is
BF (6/23/2006 3:40:00 PM): and it has been for the last 6 months
BF (6/23/2006 3:40:01 PM): m
Me (6/23/2006 3:40:15 PM): what, Roommate's parent's anniversary?
Me (6/23/2006 3:40:21 PM): or about you?BF (6/23/2006 3:40:33 PM): OY
BF (6/23/2006 3:40:41 PM): you are not that damn dumb
Me (6/23/2006 3:40:59 PM): no, i just don't know what you are talking about with the 6 months thingBF (6/23/2006 3:41:12 PM): you have been tripping on me for the last few months and i want to know why
Me (6/23/2006 3:41:33 PM): i have not
Me (6/23/2006 3:41:47 PM): you're paranoid, and you always think i am conspiring against you with someone else
Me (6/23/2006 3:41:53 PM): they have pills that cure that, BFBF (6/23/2006 3:42:28 PM): you say shit and do not finish your sentences, when i ask you a straight question, you run in circles around it...you talk shit behind my back.....and then when i confront you about it you try to change the subject constantly
Me (6/23/2006 3:42:43 PM): what shit do i talk behind your back?BF (6/23/2006 3:42:45 PM): i do not need a pill i need you to give me straight answers
BF (6/23/2006 3:43:27 PM): you tell people how pissed off you are at me and then i ask you about it and you lie to me
Me (6/23/2006 3:43:33 PM): what people?BF (6/23/2006 3:43:38 PM): what is the point of that
BF (6/23/2006 3:43:42 PM): dont act stupid
Me (6/23/2006 3:43:52 PM): because the only person who could tell you that is Roommate
Me (6/23/2006 3:43:56 PM): anyone else is a liarBF (6/23/2006 3:43:59 PM): what are you so upset, pissed off, or mad about
BF (6/23/2006 3:44:24 PM): what the hell does Roommate have to do with this
BF (6/23/2006 3:44:40 PM): i am asking you a question, will you answer it
Me (6/23/2006 3:44:56 PM): just what i said: he's the only person i tell when i am pissed off at you. anyone else who told you i talked shit about you is a liarBF (6/23/2006 3:45:14 PM): WHAT ARE YOU UPSET OR PISSED OFF AT ME ABOUT....????
BF (6/23/2006 3:46:07 PM): look i understand that people in this town lie,, i do....but when your actions support what they say all i can do is assume until you tell me what the **** is going on
BF (6/23/2006 3:46:51 PM): what is it that i have done that has made you mad in the last say 2 months
BF (6/23/2006 3:47:01 PM): lists will be sufficient for now
Me (6/23/2006 3:47:17 PM): BF, stop it
Me (6/23/2006 3:47:22 PM): EVERYTHING IS NOT ABOUT YOU
Me (6/23/2006 3:47:34 PM): now will you please just give me a couple of days to myself???BF (6/23/2006 3:47:36 PM): no you are telling me that i have to drop my friend, then this is it....tell me
Me (6/23/2006 3:47:37 PM): PLEASE???
Me (6/23/2006 3:47:55 PM): drop your friend? wtf are you talking about?BF (6/23/2006 3:48:10 PM): fine you are pulling your same old shit....bye
Me (6/23/2006 3:48:19 PM): thank you
Me (6/23/2006 3:48:33 PM): i will call you and talk to you in a couple of days
Me (6/23/2006 3:48:40 PM): ttylBF (6/23/2006 3:48:46 PM): i probably wont answer
Me (6/23/2006 3:48:52 PM): i know where you live
Me (6/23/2006 3:48:56 PM): and where you work
Me (6/23/2006 3:49:00 PM): and where you hang out
Me (6/23/2006 3:49:10 PM): and where you keep your dirty drawers
Me (6/23/2006 3:49:17 PM): i can find YOU when i get readyBF (6/23/2006 3:49:48 PM): do what you think you need to, but there is no reason for you to come and find me
Me (6/23/2006 3:50:00 PM): but i will though
BF (6/23/2006 3:50:05 PM): whatever
Me (6/23/2006 3:50:13 PM): because i love you, and you know it
Me (6/23/2006 3:50:23 PM): you just need to learn to be patientBF (6/23/2006 3:50:26 PM): no you don’t you just want to cause me problems
Me (6/23/2006 3:50:27 PM): you can't rush everything
BF (6/23/2006 3:50:38 PM): and i do not understand why
Me (6/23/2006 3:50:52 PM): so? you have to UNDERSTAND every damn thing?
Me (6/23/2006 3:51:08 PM): don't you love me, too, BF?BF (6/23/2006 3:51:52 PM): but all i have asked you to do is answer simple questions and you choose to be a bitch about it...i am tired of this shit
Me (6/23/2006 3:52:07 PM): BF, if you love me too, please just give me what i need right now
Me (6/23/2006 3:52:19 PM): stop thinking about YOU, and let ME have what i need from you now
Me (6/23/2006 3:52:40 PM): pleaseBF (6/23/2006 3:53:13 PM): i am giving you what you need...a swift kick and a goodbye
Me (6/23/2006 3:53:38 PM): thank you
Me (6/23/2006 3:53:44 PM): i will call you in a few daysBF (6/23/2006 3:53:54 PM): you do not want me around, poof, there you go
Me (6/23/2006 3:54:03 PM): i DO want you around
Me (6/23/2006 3:54:10 PM): i told you i loved youBF (6/23/2006 3:54:11 PM): obviously
Me (6/23/2006 3:54:40 PM): and you love me too
Me (6/23/2006 3:55:18 PM): but i think you're self-centered and you're only thinking about how everything makes YOU feel
Me (6/23/2006 3:55:54 PM): and i am asking you to accept that it doesn't make sense
Me (6/23/2006 3:56:03 PM): and you don't understand, but do it anyway because i asked you toBF (6/23/2006 3:58:15 PM): no thats the thing you have not understood through this whole ****ing conversation...i have asked you over and over what is going on with you,,,you do not care enough about yourself to talk to me about it...and the parts that do involve me i want to know about.....i am tired of trying to help someone who keeps lying and double talking to avoid it....i am tired of hanging out with some one who does not want me around...
Me (6/23/2006 3:59:23 PM): this is not about YOU
Me (6/23/2006 3:59:26 PM): it's about MEBF (6/23/2006 3:59:47 PM): oh my god did you not just read what i wrote
Me (6/23/2006 3:59:59 PM): i love you, i NEED you, i want you around. i CLEARLY want you around all the timeBF (6/23/2006 4:00:18 PM): well sorry you have made it clear that you do not
Me (6/23/2006 4:00:20 PM): why do you think i am mad at you or that i don't want you around?BF (6/23/2006 4:01:34 PM): because you avoid me every chance you get...you make plans and break them just because i am going to be there....you tell other people that you are pissed at some thing i did....then i ask you about it and you flat out lie to me
Me (6/23/2006 4:02:37 PM): you're nuts. i know how to get rid of someone i don't want around me, i've been hanging out with you like every day for a year or more nowBF (6/23/2006 4:02:41 PM): these are problems that i am tired of.....and then you tell me constantly that you need a couple of days away....or i can not be friends with you anymore for dumb reasons, and you say things that make no sense and refuse to clarify
Me (6/23/2006 4:02:46 PM): that doesn't sound like someone i don't want to be around to ME
BF (6/23/2006 4:03:48 PM): ok so you hang with some one fora year and then then drop them like they are nothing, you think that is cool.....you think that by basically telling a friend to **** off..you gain something in yourself
BF (6/23/2006 4:03:52 PM): what the ****
Me (6/23/2006 4:04:01 PM): WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT
Me (6/23/2006 4:04:14 PM): i just said, i want to spend a few days alone
Me (6/23/2006 4:04:25 PM): wtf is so damned hard about that????


.....to be continued on the next post.....

[221bBakerStreet]

BF (6/23/2006 4:04:25 PM): i am talking about the fact that i considered you a friend.....
BF (6/23/2006 4:04:53 PM): you decided the other day or a month ago or **** a year ago that you had some problem with me......
Me (6/23/2006 4:04:57 PM): i never told you to **** off
BF (6/23/2006 4:05:02 PM): you do not want to talk to me about.......
BF (6/23/2006 4:05:13 PM): and acted like you were a friend too.....
BF (6/23/2006 4:05:42 PM): and then now i need a couple of days....after avoiding said "friend" for nearly a week
Me (6/23/2006 4:05:50 PM): yeah
Me (6/23/2006 4:05:51 PM): so?
Me (6/23/2006 4:05:56 PM): why is that so horrible?
Me (6/23/2006 4:06:03 PM): don't you have friends you haven't seen in a week?BF (6/23/2006 4:06:05 PM): ok now you are getting what you want and you are bitching about it
Me (6/23/2006 4:06:23 PM): if [Old Friend From Grade School] doesn't come see you tomorrow, does that mean he told you to **** off?BF (6/23/2006 4:07:24 PM): thats not what you are doing,
BF (6/23/2006 4:09:03 PM): you need to go on and deal with your shit...sorry i wasted your time....and sorry for trying to talk to you about shit that was bothering you...i asked and you said nothing was bothering you...i asked and you said you were not upset about anything i did or said ...but now you need time away from your friends...ok take the time...and do not waste your time calling in a few days
Me (6/23/2006 4:10:00 PM): i'm sorry you don't care any more about my feelings than that, BFMe (6/23/2006 4:10:09 PM): i've always been pretty careful with YOURS
BF (6/23/2006 4:10:49 PM): you are sorry that do not care about your feelings....after all the time that i have spent trying to talk to you about them.....and trying to help you deal with shit in your life
BF (6/23/2006 4:10:55 PM): yea sorry does not cut it
Me (6/23/2006 4:11:30 PM): so, basically, you want to help me the way it suits YOU?Me (6/23/2006 4:12:15 PM): i can either follow your Rules For Friendship, or i can hit the road?
BF (6/23/2006 4:12:25 PM): no i want you to tell me all the shit that is going on...that you are so ashamed to talk to me about apparently.....instead of you running off
Me (6/23/2006 4:13:15 PM): well, i need to run off right now, BF. i can't talk to you about it now, i can't do what YOU want me to do. i'm sorryBF (6/23/2006 4:13:46 PM): ok then that is it....your choice....forget my number
Me (6/23/2006 4:13:49 PM): i have to deal with this the way it's best for ME
BF (6/23/2006 4:13:49 PM): late
Me (6/23/2006 4:13:51 PM): not for YOU
BF (6/23/2006 4:14:02 PM): ok at this point i do not givea **** anymore
Me (6/23/2006 4:14:06 PM): nice
Me (6/23/2006 4:14:08 PM): thanksBF (6/23/2006 4:14:08 PM): your feelings mean nothing now
BF (6/23/2006 4:14:10 PM): bye
Me (6/23/2006 4:14:45 PM): it's always nice to have a friend who cares about my feelings
Me (6/23/2006 4:14:54 PM): i can feel the warm fuzzy love
BF (6/23/2006 4:15:11 PM): your doing not mine
Me (6/23/2006 4:15:23 PM): i didn't just tell YOU to lose my number
Me (6/23/2006 4:15:33 PM): thanks for being there when i needed you mostBF (6/23/2006 4:15:56 PM): yea well i tried and you won!
BF (6/23/2006 4:16:08 PM): congrats on your decisions
Me (6/23/2006 4:17:48 PM): BF, in my old age, i have learned that friends are not easy to come by
Me (6/23/2006 4:18:03 PM): i will come find you, and if you don't answer the phone, i will come wait on your porchBF (6/23/2006 4:18:12 PM): no but they are easy to throw away is that your new found theory
Me (6/23/2006 4:18:18 PM): and if you move, i will go to your mom's house in [Another Town]
Me (6/23/2006 4:18:36 PM): and if she moves, i will hunt down your dad and torture him until he tells me where you are
Me (6/23/2006 4:18:46 PM): and if you're in japan, i'll swim there if i have to
Me (6/23/2006 4:20:16 PM): and if you're at the center of the earth, i'll start digging
Me (6/23/2006 4:26:29 PM): how come nobody but me knows what LOVE is?