Am I emotionally abusive?

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Nope, never been here under another alias.


My opinion was never eaten like a banana split either, for two reasons. Reason one, I gave you facts. Reason two, you didn't even address them.

[Incognito]

1) This is a rule of psychology: there is no cure. THERE IS NO CURE. The emotional and mental capacity of humans is not in a state of "fixed"/"broken." So no therapist is ever going to "cure" you. The purpose of therapy is to work with a trained professional who can give you coping mechanisms, different strategies to try, someone to hear you out who is unbiased. The point of therapy is not to "cure" you, but to give you more effective ways to communicate with the world and yourself. If you are looking to be "cured," then therapy is NEVER going to work for you.

2) Um, sure sounds like your wife has a sexual block. Maybe it's a sexual block she won't even admit to herself, but stating "I have no interest in sex ever" is NOT healthy. It's pretty common for women who say they never want it to ACTUALLY want it, but it's too painful/daunting/humiliating/what have you to even think about it, so they shut down. Sounds like your wife has just shut down, and that IS a block.

3) Any adult also knows that doing the same thing over and over again but expecting different results is the definition of insanity. You say yourself in your posts that your wife asks you to do things, like sit with her on the couch or hold her hand, and you refuse, then you turn around and claim you're tried to rekindle the emotional connection. It seems that you're rekindling it with only YOUR feelings in mind, reaching out only when YOU feel like it, and instead of thinking maybe you should try a different approach, you get frustrated and turn in ward again, and it becomes this horrible cycle. So you're doing the same things over and over again.

4) I've already acknowledged I'm some stranger on the Internet. I have no idea what you're like at home. My perspective is coming ONLY from your words and my interpretation of them, not some God perspective, so if you're somehow expecting "the unbiased truth" from an advice forum... Well good luck with that. And where exactly do I insult you? By saying your behavior is kind of dickish?

IT IS KIND OF DICKISH. You can be a good person who still exhibits some dickish behavior. And the behavior you're exhibiting, is to ME, dickish. What EXACTLY are you looking for? Somebody to call your wife a bitch and tell you how right and justified you are, and how noble it is you stay in a marriage with a person you apparently hate?

You have three choices. Change. Leave. Shut the hell up and accept what your marriage is.

Thank you for those three choices vertical_sky. Obviously there is only hope in one of them. It still baffles me that people get upset that I argue my point of view. I never have, and never will, simply get an answer and accept it. I will always assert me opinion until it is proven faulty. I will always ask "why" until I am satisfied.

Also I am not looking for someone to "say that I'm right" and call my wife a bitch. What good will come from that? Will that put me in a better place or solve any of my problems? No. Some have called her a bitch before, some a cold heartless bitch, but I corrected them and tried to tell both sides of the story.

I also tried to wrap up this thread in a subtle manner, but that didn't work. I guess I'll have to be more direct about it: My question has been answered, and I thank all who had input (minus Neo). I won't be checking or commenting on this thread again.

[misombra]

Ok, I suppose this is the flaw in communicating by text. I was upset at your post because I took it a certain way and in a certain tone (which was obviously not the way you meant it). I am sorry for jumping to conclusions, but the fact that you went into your situation without key details like the fact that you two got along well and the fact that he finally admitted to being "done" (actually I thought you said that he didn't have the balls to admit that?) led me to where I was. If you're not upset, then I won't be.

As for the rest of what you said I cannot come up with a reasonable argument to the contrary. Checking out is checking out no matter what level it is on. That being said, however, still doesn't dismiss the fact that neither one of us has YET committed adultery. So I'm still at square one.

Its a ticking time bomb. She'll go first, I bet. How would you feel about that? Will you be relieved?

Also backup is straight up. I ain't banning him he's one of my favorite noobies.

[Take2]

To clarify, my ex didn't have the balls to admit he had left the relationship emotionally 2 years before it actually ended. And as a matter of fact, even at the bitter end, he only hinted at wanting out and left me to ask some questions until he finally clarified that he did, indeed, want a divorce. I do not admire or respect that set of actions, nor is he proud of them himself. But we have made peace with each other and moved on, and in the end I find it harder and harder to hold on to any resentment as my life continues to be better every day that we are no longer a couple.

[RdHrshyKss]

i don't think she'll leave. i mean, she isn't happy with the current situation...but she has a daughter and incog is financially supporting her, so my best guess is that she'll stick it out as long as incog does. and if incog refuses to leave for any reason other than adultery, then he'll either (1) be miserable for the rest his life with her, (2) finally realize that the whole adultery rule is a bunch of hocus pocus because his marriage to her was pretty much based on lies anyway (she isn't interested in sex and never made that apparent to him until their honeymoon), or (3) he'll become the adulterer.

[misombra]

I changed my mind. I think incog is emotionally abusive.