I'm getting fed up of this feeling...

[lahnnabell]

Cool! Thanks for the concrete info! Here we go!

Body Language: In my honest opinion, you spend way too much time locked inside your own head. You are constantly looking at yourself from a third person's perspective and analyzing yourself. This time could be put to better use. If you're going to analyze yourself, take the time to notice what you're doing with your body. Are you sitting with your back straight? Are your legs crossed? Maybe pose with your chin on your hand as you look around the room. Are your eyes open wide to take in the atmosphere, or are you squinting at something in particular?

I used to work on my timing until it became rote. I would practice making eye contact with guys for about 3 seconds and smiling coyly, then looking away. If a guy says something interesting to me, I might lick my lips before responding (this takes practice, so start small), or maybe put a finger to my lips while in thought. This attracts their attention to the features I am confident in. And lips are just crazy sensual by nature.

I also play with my skin. This seems weird, but it serves more than one function. 1. It feels good. It relaxes me. I have very sensitive skin and I respond instantly to being touched in certain places. 2. It draws attention to my body which I am very proud of.

Action: Dancing is great. Being goofy is awesome. Puns are delicious! Bravo on all of that. A lot of the above tips will help you practice flirting. People in general will notice how you look first and then use that as a gauge. Think like Brad Pitt and George Clooney from Ocean's Eleven. They had controlled movements. Slow and precise. This made them extra sexy and confident looking.

Another thing that might help is walking. I know I keep using myself as an example, but it's the best I've got for you. I have a swing to my walk which everyone in the world notices. Even my students make fun of me for it. Men love it. I make sure that I walk slowly, one foot in front of the other. My mother taught me that that is how a lady walks. The proportion of my hips and waist together only further accentuates the gait.

The trick to flirting successfully is not to wait for someone else's signals. Everyone wants to be flirted with. I love lavishing men with attention. They respond beautifully and coaxing them into conversation with kind words is fun. Sometimes I even tease them. "Oh hey, you look bored. Come cure your boredom and chat with me."

Conversation: This is some of the most telling information. You like a guy that has a quiet, more innocent demeanor. And you are simultaneously looking for overt signals from said guy. Very slim in this case. You're going to have to make an attempt to read another guy's subtle signals, or just jump in head first regardless of the signals. You definitely have a quiet personality, which is not bad in anyway. You have a naturally shy look about you, which is exactly what your picture is conveying to me with the wide eyes and slightly down-turned face. It's important to know what you have, then you learn how to work with it.

Looks: You do have very shiny, soft-looking hair. Shiny hair is good for touching! You should practice some moves that involve shaking your hair out. Buy a pretty smelling product that you can waft in a guy's face!

Makeup is best when used to enhance features, not cover up flaws. I'm glad you see the benefit of subtle makeup though! If you have tiredness under your eyes, I recommend some sort of cream with cucumber and aloe in it. This will depuff and sooth the skin. Use it daily regardless of the state of your skin and massage it in gently. Skin care is my top priority. I hate layers of foundation so I make sure to wash my face every morning and night (I use Noxema, nothing fancy). I use a good cream in the morning and oxy cream at night. I have a skin condition called keratosis (it's very common) and so my cheeks get a little ruddy from time to time, so I exfoliate every other day. This keeps my skin bright.

I'm obsessed with lipgloss and mascara. I have super long eyelashes and and a full, shapely top lip so I play into those. Rarely do I use funky eye shadows or lipsticks. If I do, it's to accent my natural features, not detract from them. You have large eyes, like I do. You could use a nice violet or brown eyeliner. This will define them. Since you have rounder eyes than I do, you can get away with lining the bottom. (I have almond shaped eyes and it only makes my eyes look smaller) Also, have you ever thought about learning to shape/tweeze your eyebrows? This goes a long way when shaping your face. I spent years practicing how to do this properly. But it's paid off because while others go get waxes, I do a short tweeze session, and I'm good.

I hope a lot of this helped. If you have other questions, PM me, or whatevers.

[corinthian]

The only way I can really fathom how I come across is to ask people who know me, as I don't know exactly what might put people off. I know my 'default' facial expression can look a little grumpy, so I make the effort to smile to people. If there is somebody I do fancy, I will wish to spend more time with him, 'coincidentally' end up being with him, laughing and joking, etc, so I don't do the 'pretending to ignore' routine, which I can understand, but would not be in my instincts to do at all.
A couple of times I have been told by older people that have been attracted to me that I seem reserved or hard to read, but I believe it was because they were making advances when I wasn't interested in that way, so I BECAME much more reserved than normal, but who knows, maybe I seem like that more often.
I do try to create opportunities, though, in fact tonight I asked for the number of somebody I quite like at work (although he's leaving soon, lucky I got the number!) although I did it under the pretext of offering English conversation lessons (he's Japanese).
However, it's also conflicting views that are confusing - I can come across as available and flirt, etc, but then I would probably end up looking desparate, if I try and play hard to get (something not within my inclinations, doing stupid tests, 'making him wait', blech...) then perhaps I come across as stuck up or whatever. That's why I don't consciously change the way I come across, but my 'normal' way of being doesn't seem to work either.

I have cut out the bits of your reply that were actually relevant to my post.

I know my intervention was a little bit coarse and offensive but this was by design. The most important point that I was trying to make was that, if you want to go on a date, why not join a dating agency? I can absolutely guarantee you that if you do that you will have more dates than you can handle.

Taiko sounds like a real blast but the thing is, if you meet someone through a dating agency, then both parties kind of already know what the objective is, which eliminates a great deal of messing around with body language and so on. You can just meet someone and say, "Wow, you look even more handsome than you do in your picture. I gotta admit, you are actually my type of guy because I do like tall men with dark hair etc. etc."

Surely it is as simple as that, or am I missing something?

[lahnnabell]

corinthian,

I agree that that may be a much easier route for someone who is having difficulty with flirting and interacting on an intimate level. However, learning how to read body language and pick up on those unspoken social cues is a good life skill as well. It works everywhere from the corporate business world to being good at customer service.

I find that as a future teacher, I need this ability to read people and empathize because it comforts my students and allows them to trust me without me having to convince them that I am trustworthy. I simply am. I hope that made sense.

[corinthian]

corinthian,

I agree that that may be a much easier route for someone who is having difficulty with flirting and interacting on an intimate level. However, learning how to read body language and pick up on those unspoken social cues is a good life skill as well.

I agree, lahnnabell, but this is not mutually exclusive, is it? In fact, I think there are synergies in pursuing both angles at the same time.

[IndiReloaded]

Des, just get your Japanese fellow in a corner someplace and offer him to 'lip your stockings'.

[ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6GqAcBL1E4g"]YouTube - Lip My Stocking Mr. Bob Harris[/ame]

[lahnnabell]

Ah, good call, corinthian.

[Desdemona]

I have cut out the bits of your reply that were actually relevant to my post.

I know my intervention was a little bit coarse and offensive but this was by design. The most important point that I was trying to make was that, if you want to go on a date, why not join a dating agency? I can absolutely guarantee you that if you do that you will have more dates than you can handle.

Taiko sounds like a real blast but the thing is, if you meet someone through a dating agency, then both parties kind of already know what the objective is, which eliminates a great deal of messing around with body language and so on. You can just meet someone and say, "Wow, you look even more handsome than you do in your picture. I gotta admit, you are actually my type of guy because I do like tall men with dark hair etc. etc."

Surely it is as simple as that, or am I missing something?

Well, I did use a dating site back in the UK and the couple of dates were ok, if no fireworks, but then I went to Japan so that is now on hold, although thinking about it, I could try a Japanese one...why didn't I do that before? It at least creates opportunities, although it's still a case of them being interested.
To lahnabell, I wouldn't say I am a shy or quiet person - occasionally I can be, depending on my mood, but often I am talkative and social and feel lively in a social setting. When I tell friends who have not known me for a long time that I used to be quiet and reserved, most of the time they cannot imagine me this way. I may look a little coy in the photo because I posed to make my face look good... However, I do believe you have picked on something which is my constant introspection and spending time in my own head, although whether this is a major 'problem' I don't know.

[Desdemona]

Actually, it seems finding a good japanese site is exceedingly difficult, I found the Japanese version of match.com and wrote my profile, etc in Japanese, but for some reason it wouldn't allow payment. I really wish to date Japanese guys if I use a dating site while I am in Japan, although it seems difficult. Of course, I would date anyone who I develop feelings for, but it seems I am much more attracted to Japanese men. In fact, I find very few Western men physically attractive. However, once I do get to know somebody, they tend to 'become' more attractive.

[corinthian]

Actually, it seems finding a good japanese site is exceedingly difficult, I found the Japanese version of match.com and wrote my profile, etc in Japanese, but for some reason it wouldn't allow payment. I really wish to date Japanese guys if I use a dating site while I am in Japan, although it seems difficult.

Well done for looking into this but you need to try harder.

Well, I did use a dating site back in the UK and the couple of dates were ok, if no fireworks

I thought you'd never even been on a date before. It doesn't really matter but the last five pages were basically about that.

[Desdemona]

I thought you'd never even been on a date before. It doesn't really matter but the last five pages were basically about that.

Well personally I don't consider them dates, nothing romantic happened, and it was only because somebody selected me from a profile, not because somebody became interested in me and wanted to "go on a date" which is what I consider dating.

[corinthian]

Well personally I don't consider them dates, nothing romantic happened, and it was only because somebody selected me from a profile, not because somebody became interested in me and wanted to "go on a date" which is what I consider dating.

OK. Sorry, I am not trying to give you a hard time.

[Desdemona]

I guess this thread has become a bit of a personal blog for me, as regards to my love life. It's nearly 5 months later, and unsurprisingly, nothing has changed regarding boyfriends, although at least my attitudele towards the whole matter has changed for the better.
I am focusing on things such as where I want to go in life, who I want to be, all the special friendships that I do have, and being successful in whatever my goals may be. These have always been important aspects of my life, and despite me feeling down about the dearth of love life, as can be seen by posting here, I don't feel as if it has made me lose focus in life for the most part.
That said, that doesn't mean I don't want to have a relationship. I can understand, but do not empathise with people who are 'too busy' for a relationship. I feel I could always have the capacity to have a relationship - having other goals in life for me does not erase the need for it. To put it crudely, most people have romantic and sexual needs. I haven't had these fulfilled at all for my entire life and it gets frustrating, especially when everyone else around you talks about their relationships.
I am back in the UK now, although while I was in Japan, there was one guy I did go out with on what could be called dates (just the two of us) and it seemed like it might have developed into something more, although when I eventually confessed that I thought we could be more than friends one day (nothing over-dramatic) he said he only saw me as a good friend. Fine and all that, although it is a classic example of where there is a scenario where something could have developed into a relationship for most people did not with me - I have many other cases where I became good friends (and still am good friends) with people who were love interests, but nothing became of them.
Well, it seems I look more attractive since I came back, I have had three guys who randomly chatted to me and asked for my number, so that's encouraging. One guy I went out with who invited some friends and was a good time, but again, nothing like a 'date'. Another guy I went out with just to give a chance, but he was all into "pulling" me and treating me like a **** buddy before we even knew each other, which was an instant turn off, especially as there wasn't any physical attraction. So it's encouraging to know I am at least visually appealing, it's just that deeper interest that doesn't seem to come....
To put it simply, when it comes to how I view myself, and to making friends, it is positive - I have belief in myself and I have come so far in becoming who I want to be, and I know deep down that I could quite easily make a great partner, but there is still a part of me that feels inadequate, like a loser, and who wouldn't do if they were 21 and nobody to their knowledge had been romantically interested in them, including all the people they had confessed to? It feels like it's something everyone else can do that I can't. It's like the feeling of not thinking something is ever going to happen, until it does.

[Desdemona]

I have wondered come across as frigid or lacking in sexual approchability - I have had many intense relationships which could have become more, but it just never seemed to get that far. Indeed, very few, almost no people approach or flirt with me in any kind of context, even in a playful and non-committal kind of way. I would also add this is the constant result whether I also start to flirt or give subtle signs, or whether I just act natural and don't consciously flirt. I would also say that it isn't a lack of trying - I have approached people (and I mean only on a select few occasions where I felt it appropriate) and confessed my feelings, these feelings have not been reciprocated every time.

While I have still positive feelings about myself, and have focus in other areas of my life, and do not allow such issues to adversely affect my life, it is something that on occasions, something I do think perhaps too much about. However, I would challenge anyone around my age or older who has never even been on a proper date, (i.e. where kissing, flirting, perhaps more happens during or after) which was not out of choice to feel happy about this state and not wonder if anything was wrong, but not know exactly what it was.

I tend not to talk about it too much, because I don't like to be selfish and centre emotional problems around my own. I tend to post my problems or speak to counsellors about them. However, due to this it leads me to a situation where keeping these feelings inside, or feeling unable to speak to people who can truly understand leads to frustration, and resentment that what I hear is always about other people's grief and their problems, and never mine, although this is to some extent through my own choice.

It also makes me feel selfish because I know one of my best friends, who is pretty much the same age is me, has been proposed to and will get married. While I am ecstatic for her and will do all I can to support her, I couldn't help but feel a pang of self-pity on the fact that my friends have relationships, think of marriage or some such while I haven't even had my first date. I don't want to feel self-pity and aim not to, but I just can't help it sometimes. I also just wonder - I know people far more insecure than me, (it may seem I think about these issues all the time - I don't, I just speak about them on here, although I will admit it does affect) people who do the 'wrong things' such as act clingy/needy, etc or have low self-confidence, or have shyness, yet they still have relationships - even if I WAS coming across negatively while never being told this or not realising, why does literally nothing happen for me?

[marshawna1]

hey desdemona, girl i know how you feel, i've been single for a minute now by choice..i live in the bay area and it is really hard finding somebody to spend time with for a friends or more than friends. you seem like you just want somebody who is genuine who can hold up a conversation with you but also shows interests in you, and sometimes it can be hard especially now and days to pick up the signs from a man in our generation iam also 20 turning 21 this october...but i think that men like being around smart girls i found for them to think that it is sexy compared to a girl who puts herself out there too much making it too obvious and who acts ditsy...i say if you see someone and your attracted and you spark up a conversation just flirt with them but also have body attraction that dosent mean bend down and pick up a pencil lol..., but you just need to make yourself invitable. dont automatically assume that someone will reject you just smile alot, and play with the conversation, but still play hard to get a the same time..and if the man is interested in you he will make a move but if not just keep smiliing even in day to day life just walking down the street, make yourself invitable put on some lip gloss and keep feeling confidant about yourself and let a man approach you and ask you for your number...good luck!!!

[Desdemona]

I guess what I really have is curiosity - WHY people don't really seem to be interested in me if they're around the same age as me. While I know there isn't just a quick-fit solution, it'd be interesting if somebody could say "well you are so and so - that drives people away, you should do this..." but nobody I know seems to be able to come up with such an answer, even when I ask them to be honest. What I have been told is perhaps because I tend to dress and come across as mature and generally 'sorted' (since I seem to be very good at coming across as being confident, sorted and without problems in life and it's reasonably true apart from romantic relationships) and this intimidates people, which is a possibility. Maybe I'm looking for an answer that isn't there, but there must be reasons why some people seem to find getting relationships/dates simply as natural as making friends, while I couldn't seem to get any real interest were I stark naked, covered in chocolate with beer cans hanging from my ears and a television showing the superbowl balanced on my head.