Part 2

[Cain]

BINGO!

I know you don't want to believe this right now Cain and it's okay. I am very sure she is hiding the real reason. People make lists like that to legitimize that they are not satisfied in the relationship. I am sure there is much more to it.

Also, you really never know someone better than they know themselves. When you guys talk about issues (I do this too and find out their real opinion weeks or months later) she may agree with you at the time of the conversation. But, really she may have a dark past and when you say you look negatively on this or that she may be thinking, "wow, I can't tell him about my time at this or that because I am afraid he will judge me negatively". So now she is bringing all that back up in a different way to give herself valid reasons to end the relationship.

I know this well because, like I said before, I used to think very conservatively just like you. You have to find someone who is compatible with you. She may be cool, and you love her, have communication, etc but that does not make you guys compatible.

She knows better than that.

As I've said numerous times on this message board, I'm not as outspoken about issues in the real world because I don't want to preach to people. I do it here because it's an anonymous means for me to voice my opinions. Most of the things we've talked about... she's agreed with... and some of them she's told me before I gave her my opinion.

And I disagree that she'd hide something from me about her past. If she doesn't agree with an opinion of mine or has done something I'd frown against, she's not afraid to tell me. She knows better and knows I won't judge her on it. We've already dealt with things like that.

She's not as submissive as some of you are thinking. She's very blunt and honest. I think that the reason she's making this list of things is because there's no real reason. The only thing that I think she might hide from me is that her parents pressured her into the breakup... and she'd hide that only because she doesn't want me to think negatively towards them in case we get back together. It's the same reason I wouldn't tell her that my mom lost a lot of respect for her because of this last breakup.

I'm still not convinced that distance played a role in this. I think that because she's already told me that it makes her feel bad when she goes out and I don't, she thinks that by breaking things off, it might be easier for her. If I lived there, I don't think she'd be feeling bad because she'd be wanting me to go out with her every time.

Things are different between us when we are on one of our visits and when we're separated by distance. When we're on a visit, little arguments are settled quickly. Things are great and amazing. We get along wonderfully. When we are back to the distance, we still get along well, but things are more rocky. Arguments don't get settled as easily and she appears a little more irritable at times. I think it's because she takes things the wrong way sometimes and the distance has started to stress her.

[Cain]

I give up on her. She's too indecisive.

She's definitely indecisive. But I'm not willing to give up on her yet.

I've talked about this before. She has problems making decisions. When we do something, I'm usually always the one with the decisions. Her mom is the same way though, so I think that's where she got it from. Plus, I think she's used to having boyfriends in her past that controlled every aspect of the relationship, so having someone like me who is very interested in her making relationship decisions and deciding what we do or where we go is new to her.

[lesa]

Why did she stay in her past relationships as long as she had?

Also does she read these forums?

[Cain]

Why did she stay in her past relationships as long as she had?

Also does she read these forums?

If she read these forums, I surely wouldn't be talking about her.

Her longest relationship was 4 years. According to her, it started out good. Then after a year or so, he got very controlling and emotionally and physically abusive. I don't know what finally sparked and caused her to end it, but I think it was because he put her in the hospital.

Another one she had was ended after like, 10 months because the guy was either into drugs or too into drinking. I don't remember which.

After those, I've been her longest relationship, though I'd technically be her second longest if we include the "off/on" times. The only other relationships she's been in were short ones... and they just realized they weren't compatible.

[lesa]

If she read these forums, I surely wouldn't be talking about her.

Yeah, I was joking but you never know.

Her longest relationship was 4 years. According to her, it started out good. Then after a year or so, he got very controlling and emotionally and physically abusive. I don't know what finally sparked and caused her to end it, but I think it was because he put her in the hospital.

Another one she had was ended after like, 10 months because the guy was either into drugs or too into drinking. I don't remember which.

After those, I've been her longest relationship, though I'd technically be her second longest if we include the "off/on" times. The only other relationships she's been in were short ones... and they just realized they weren't compatible.

My GOODNESS!!! What is her issue? You must be the best thing she ever had and doesn’t know what to do. How dare she talk about your credit history and eating habits? Lol, my bf also has a different eating habit and even different religion…it’s really not an issue at all. Oh well, you are definitely good for her and she is so confused right now. I can see why she is so indecisive. Why are her parents giving you such a difficult time and yet she had those men as her boyfriend? My GOODNESS! My GOODNESS! Well she may want you back but you may have to hold on until she can think clearly (for the first time).
My GOODNESS!!!

[Cain]

My GOODNESS!!! What is her issue? You must be the best thing she ever had and doesn’t know what to do. How dare she talk about your credit history and eating habits? Lol, my bf also has a different eating habit and even different religion…it’s really not an issue at all. Oh well, you are definitely good for her and she is so confused right now. I can see why she is so indecisive. Why are her parents giving you such a difficult time and yet she had those men as her boyfriend? My GOODNESS! My GOODNESS! Well she may want you back but you may have to hold on until she can think clearly (for the first time).
My GOODNESS!!!

That is exactly why I'm not wanting to let go. I understand that a lot of the time when women break up with a guy, it's because it's really over... but I'm having a hard time really believing she doesn't want to be with me... and it's for those reasons.

I also agree that her parents should be more accepting, but they are just against the fact that we met through Facebook... that we didn't meet in person. I think it's because of her dating past that is making them suspicious. They think that I could be lying about anything... and yet they don't realize that I could be lying about anything if I had met her at school.

I think I've decided that I'll wait until she gets out of school for Christmas break in December. If her parents were a reason for the breakup, I want to know if we're going to work on us or not before she goes back home because they will have influence over her again.

I think she worries about the bankruptcy thing because she thinks that it will happen again. She's just naive about it. She doesn't realize that bankruptcy isn't some unheard of thing. A lot of people do it, especially when young, when they are financially intelligent. I had no one to teach me about financial responsibility, so I'm having to learn it on my own.

I've been reading Rich Dad, Poor Dad and it is an amazing book. It's helped me come up with ideas for myself and I've even decided to take accounting classes because of it.

I think, deep down, she really does want to be with me. I think she's just scared or nervous for whatever reason. I'm hoping it all works out because I really do love this girl... and my patience through all of this shows it.

[Junket]

We're all gonna die.

[lesa]

Robert Kiyosaki is cool. I helped my ex increase his credit score. He was in the 500's or maybe lower and now probably has better credit than I. Last I checked I was in the high 700's. It shouldn't be a major concern of hers now that you are working the finances out. It really should be the least of her worries. Geez. Oh well, there’s not much you can do for the parents. There’s something not right about her. She is not ready for any type of relationship. Maybe after a Walden, or Life in the Woods situation she will live life to the fullest.

[Cain]

Robert Kiyosaki is cool. I helped my ex increase his credit score. He was in the 500's or maybe lower and now probably has better credit than I. Last I checked I was in the high 700's. It shouldn't be a major concern of hers now that you are working the finances out. It really should be the least of her worries. Geez. Oh well, there’s not much you can do for the parents. There’s something not right about her. She is not ready for any type of relationship. Maybe after a Walden, or Life in the Woods situation she will live life to the fullest.

At this point, I don't even need for us to be in a serious relationship. All I need is for her to decide whether or not she wants to make us work. I wouldn't care so much if it didn't impact my future... but I have to make a decision in the next 6 months about where I'm going to go to school.

I want to be with her, but if she's going to remain unstable for years, then I'm just going to move on. She was so good for the last 10 months... I just don't know where that stability went.

I'm not really making any decisions until our visit in September. I asked her if she had looked at the weekends and she told me that she had but is still trying to decide on the best one. So, as of now, the visit is still going to happen.

[Citycat]

Cain, can you go somewhere (eg. take a holiday) in order to relax and recharge?

[lesa]

I love misombra’s quote. Here is another version: a stable man isn’t always viewed as emotional stable. Just like an unstable man does not always remain emotionally unstable. She is going to look good sometimes and probably bad at others. She will always be unpredictable in that regards. You have to think about these as pros and cons. I think you are hoping that she remains stable but that does not seem to be her default setting.

[Cain]

Cain, can you go somewhere (eg. take a holiday) in order to relax and recharge?

I can't do anything right now. Finals are coming up and so I'm tied up all weekend and the rest of next week. I'm not done with everything until around the 30th of August.

And I don't really have the money to go on a vacation.

[Cain]

I love misombra’s quote. Here is another version: a stable man isn’t always viewed as emotional stable. Just like an unstable man does not always remain emotionally unstable. She is going to look good sometimes and probably bad at others. She will always be unpredictable in that regards. You have to think about these as pros and cons. I think you are hoping that she remains stable but that does not seem to be her default setting.

Honestly, I've thought about this. I've thought about whether or not I can deal with this for the rest of my life, and I can as long as she gets over having to breakup every time there's a problem. She just needs to realize that we can work through these issues and that she doesn't need to break up every time there's a problem... she just needs to work with me so we can work through it.

She's been a very important person in my life. She's helped me a lot. I used to be emotionally cold... she broke down the walls. She's helping me get over my somewhat anti-social behaviors that I developed the last year or two I lived with my dad when I was 17. She's helping me look at life in a different way.

I don't want to lose her.

[Cain]

She went back to school today...thank God.

I've talked about this whole situation with my mother, because I figure she'd give better advice than friends. She mentions the same thing I've thought. She thinks that being at her parent's house for the summer where she didn't have any free time because all of her time was either at work or with friends and family and that made her think she didn't really want to be with me.

She's so much different when we're separated by distance than when we're together. She seems more irritable and takes things the wrong way more often. When we're together, during our visits, things are amazing. She doesn't want to leave my side. When we went to the bar, we were usually holding hands because she wanted to and if we weren't, she would quickly grab my hand if a guy started looking at her or if there were other females around.

That happened in late July. We broke up in early August... about 2 weeks after the bar thing. Doesn't make much sense to me.

I'm pretty busy in September, so I sent her an email telling her that the only free weekend I had was the first weekend in Sept. So, if she wants the visit to happen that's when it needs to be. If not, oh well. By the end of September, I should have an idea of where we stand. I don't expect us to be back together, but I expect to know whether she wants to work on us or if she wants us broken up for good.

I've also decided that December is the ultimate deadline. I could wait for March, but why should I? That's seven months away. Why should I put my life on hold for seven months and turn away any possible relationships? If I'm waiting for her, I won't be dating around, so I think four months is good enough. Plus, I want to know if we're working on us before she goes back home for two weeks in December.

[lesa]

Such a drama-filled gf! I said the parent thing long ago and I still know it's much more to it. You are going to go insane trying to figure it out.

Love is not based on words and conversations to "work it out". Communication is necessary, yes, but using conversations as a way to get back together will fail, guarantee. She has to 'feel' and 'desire' getting back together if that makes sense. When it comes to love, her ‘fate’ attitude makes more sense than your ‘talk things out’ attitude. In the case of love you have to desire the person, crave to be with them no matter how parents, friends, school, work may interfere. If she doesn’t feel you then your talk means nothing. You can’t talk your way to romantic love (or any love).

So far, she may not be feeling it because you give her little space. There is no guessing what a drama fill person would do.

Good luck.