Relationship Routine!

[Mish]

I agree with this post, but based on some of Rosebud's posts, I'm not sure this man is really the man for her. Sorry. by Shh!

I haven't read all posts by Rosebud, so you may know some things i don't. The guy doesn't strike me as the best man in the world, but their situation is serious and I think therefore it should be mirrored by the status of their relationship. I think it's too easy for a guy to weasel out of a relationship with an unconfirmed status, being married entails responsibillity and devotion to your partner (Does not necesseraly happen in all the cases, but points bluntly into that direction).

I think it's too early to say whether or not this guy is right or worng for her (Especially given the situation and the length of their relationship). I have seen much more incompatible people happily married for decades. What I haven't seen a lot of though, is a kid going to school with parents who are still in a bf/gf relationship (I know the kid is still 2 years old, but you can see where I'm going with that).

I believe two married, natural parents create the best living/learning environment for the child. But maybe i'm just too old fashioned, something I find as odd because I'm still young

[Rosebud]

Yes but then again I don't want to get married if we can fix the problems that we have now. As they would only get worse! I have had some new light on some things recently and I'm back at "can I live with this?" Last week one of our vehicles was blowing a fuse for the taillights and interior lights, and well I fixed it or so I thought I did as he works a lot and hasn't had time. Well we haven't been driving this vehicle at night because the fuse keeps blowing within seconds of turning on the lights, but everything else works fine. Well today at my brother's house which is an hour away from where I live, my truck wouldn't start so i got out and looked at the battery and asked my brother if he could help me. To make a long story short I need a new negative cable for the battery but we got it started again, and it was starting to get dark on my ride home. I called my bf and told him about everything and instead of him saying he loves me and to be careful, he told me I should have left earlier and my ride home is going to be a pain in the ass. He basically gave me a lecture for staying with the family so late but yet it wasn't my fault as the stupid truck wouldn't start. Now mind you I also had my daughter with me and I couldn't tell how fast I was going nor could people see my tail lights. I was so scared the whole way home and when I finally got home, he said he was sorry I had to go through that and that was it.

Now I know he's stressed at this new job because he already hates this place and he has to work until at least Thanksgiving without a day off, but i'm not the one causing all this? why do i deserve to get a lecture instead of him showing he cares for me? I mean, I know I would never say anything like that to him, if I did he would hang up on me and tell me I didn't care. This doesn't make any sense to me and I know it seems like a pointless thing to be upset over but I can't help but think That he's only thinking of himself and that's not at all how I think. I mean he had the nerve when I said " i know your upset I didn't leave earlier" to say " It doesn't affect me any, your the one driving home like that". That was a smart ass comment and it just irritates the hell out of me. I guess maybe I should re-evaluate what I want out of this huh? Or am I just being stupid for being a little hurt by these comments?

[Junsui]

You're not being stupid for being upset about this. I can't say what he's thinking or feeling, but it doesn't sound like he cares as much about this relationship as you do.

[Mish]

"Yes but then again I don't want to get married if we can fix the problems that we have now. As they would only get worse!" by Rosebud

Once again my opinions which are always of questionable value I understand where you are coming from, but i don't think this is the right approach (It's too self defeating) In the relationship there will always be problems! The difference is there are a lot of them or there are not as many, but problems will be there in abundance. ...And they have to be there in order for the relationship to grow. In order for you and your partner to grow as well and learn from your mistakes. Once you realize this, the management of these problems becomes a little bit easier (There is a whole school of thought on management of relationship problems out there). Now, once again i'm not saying that you are with the best guy in the world for you and by the looks of things he does have to show you a lot more respect and love than he is showing you at the moment, but your situation is such that requires a strong relationship between you and your partner not just for the sake of the baby, but for the sake of the whole family unit (Which is what you are at the moment). If the marriage doesn't work, it is possible to divorce, but at least you would be doing that with the full knowledge that everything has been tried to save the relationship and the family unit and it failed because it just wasn't written in the stars (However I think it's best to always stay positive and solve the problems as they come, a marriage shouldn't be a green light for him to continue not respecting you, but another step towards removing the uncertainty in your relationship situation)

There's that and there is also option of counseling...

I personally find it as inconcievable having a baby and not being in a marriage union with my partner. But as mentioned earlier, it maybe that my values are too strict...

P.S. For your guy, ask him what his problem is? It seems like he doesn't respect you enough for some reason. Straight up and ask him why he does that? (Say, tell me what makes you not respect me?) Don't argue, just nod, write down all his reasons and bring them back here for evaluation

[Rosebud]

I asked him awhile back why he had said and done some of the things and he said it was because he didn't trust me. In our first 2 years we had split several times and during those times I got into another relationship with someone for a short period of time and he went out and slept with 10 people ( I saw a list he made one night and not to mention the chicks were in our group of friends so I found out from everyone else). We both had issues with each other when we got back together but we worked them out. I had a couple friends of mine call me late at night and because it was late I wouldn't answer the phone so he would automatically assume they were booty calls which they weren't. I have never given him a reason to not trust me, if anything it was him that had put the thought out there in the first place. He has also said that I can't compare when it comes down to him working because I stay at home so at 25 and not working ( taking care of our child) he looks down on me ( although he has never said this I can feel it). I have asked him and asked him and applied but every time a job would come up it would turn out that I wouldn't be able to take it either because of money and not having child care or because of his crzy schedule that changes all the time. And was the one to tell me not to take it.

We did not get married when we found out I was pregnant because we had problems to fix and didn't know if we really wanted to. I do not want to get married if he does not respect me or look at me as an individual that deserves compassion. If that's the case I need to somehow deal with that and move on. But I'm so confused with all the stuff that has been going on that I don't even know if I'm making excuses for him to find reason to stay. Ugh, yeah ok maybe I'm in depserate need of help again here guys! There's a lot more but I don't want to bore you guys with all the things on my mind.

[Rosebud]

So my bf has been really stressed about work the past couple days. He called me a little bit ago in a little better mood, and we talked like normal. He gets 2 vacation days that are pro-rated for him and he put in today to take those 2 days off for hunting season. Which I guess is fine, I mean he's working 7 days without a day off until the holidays (maybe he'll get them off) and even though I would like him to spend time with my daughter and myself I think it would be good for him so I told him I was happy he was doing that.

Well then he called me a little bit ago and asked me if he could buy this gun he has been looking into? I told him it's his money and he could do what he wants with it. I'm upset with this because as I mentioned before he has told me he wants to marry me and buy me a ring and do things the right way, well this is where all my problems stem from. If he really felt this way wouldn't he spend the extra money to buy me a ring like he said. I have cried to him about this before and he would say I love you and I will do this as soon as I can and then he goes and buys a gun. This is what makes me think I'm worthless to him. I feel so hurt again.. He knows how I feel which is why he asked me in the first place, but it's like I'm so sick of saying the same thing and trying to tell him how I feel and it not doing a damn bit of good which is why i just told him to do what he wants. God I feel like crying right now? Is everything I have done for nothing? Am I not good enough? I just don't understand.

[TAVS]

Why did you respond in the way you did Rosebud? He's a guy remember. You really should have told him how you really feel. You dont have to try and talk him out of it, but you owe it to yourself to be honest with him. "Actually honey, dont you think it would be a better investment to save the money so we can get married sometime before I dump you"

[Rosebud]

Why did you respond in the way you did Rosebud? He's a guy remember. You really should have told him how you really feel. You dont have to try and talk him out of it, but you owe it to yourself to be honest with him. "Actually honey, dont you think it would be a better investment to save the money so we can get married sometime before I dump you"

LOL, yeah I know Tavs.. It's just in the past 6 months I think we have had the exact conversation about him buying other toys instead of a ring about 20 times. He always says the same thing and I just don't know if I believe him anymore. I think that's my defense mechanism to him when I ahve exerted myself on trying to explain, I know I shouldn't have answetred like that but It just hurts Tavs.. I'm balling my eyes out right now and I'm sorry for misspellings... I just don't knoww hat else to say or even how to feel anymore. I feel completely unwanted right now..

[TAVS]

I dont know what else to say to you hon. I think it's all been said and it's really down to you having to make some though choices. Hmmmm, I have an idea. Can you talk to a close friend of his that likes you? Maybe you can get some support that way. Try to work on him from another angle. If he figures it out and calls you on it, just stand strong and explain you were out of options. Oh, and make sure you dont pick a friend of his who has a crush on you, or that'll backfire.

We're here for ya.

[Rosebud]

I dont know what else to say to you hon. I think it's all been said and it's really down to you having to make some though choices. Hmmmm, I have an idea. Can you talk to a close friend of his that likes you? Maybe you can get some support that way. Try to work on him from another angle. If he figures it out and calls you on it, just stand strong and explain you were out of options. Oh, and make sure you dont pick a friend of his who has a crush on you, or that'll backfire.

We're here for ya.

Thank you Tavs, I know everyone has given me great advice on a lot all of this and it's up to me. I haved talked to a couple of his friends before but I think there's one I could talk to.. Of course he may think I'm an idiot for calling him about Brandon but oh well I've exhausted all my other options I think. I really hate all this, you know before my daughter came along I would have walked out that door with no looking back, oh well thanks Tavs!

[Mish]

Wow, 10 girls??? Hmmm, I don't know what to say, so i'll start with motivation

"God I feel like crying right now?"

Don't hold back on tears, once they are out you will feel a lot better It's very human to both laugh and cry no matter what anyone says

"Is everything I have done for nothing?"

That's not true, you have learnt a lot and became a stronger girl! Emotionaly more preapred than many other people.

"Am I not good enough?"

Never ever ever say that. Always love yourself and always think you are good enough for everything and everyone! Those who can't accept that will just have to get over it.

Ummm, that leads me to the hard part, the advice. Gosh hmmm

I guess it all boils down to what you yourself want. But honestly i don't think it's a good idea to be standing in the middle (I.e. living together with a child and not being married). Because this kind of situation is too uncertain and it may in turn create other forms of uncertainties like whether you or him should stay or go. I don't think you should be seating next to a revolving door thats all...

Well, I hope you find my awkward advice of some value

[Rosebud]

I know how people can look down upon people who are not married with a child but obviously this is not my choice anymore. I'm planning on taking your advice about setting a date with him, I'm actually going to have a chat with him tonight when he gets home because I can't keep feeling like this. i thought I was ok and I was confident in what I was going to do but I realized that's not the case. I guess I'm just going to lay everything out on the table. I do have a lot to lose here considering I don't have a job, or any incoming money at all and I would have to do something to be able to have my daughter. But I will worry about that when I figure out what is going to come out of this talk tonight.

[Mish]

You go girl!

Remember to stay calm and collected and to keep your cool.

Oh, but wait, we didn't get Shh!'s approval for this? I fear her wrath ):

:::Keep us updated:::

[shh!]

Wrath? eh - I've already stated my views. They are still the same.

[jendenovum]

Good luck.