Do we think this is a cause for concern, or maybe a good thing?

[cycletease]

Glad that the week has done so much for your sould.I am really glad to hear you in this mode...you sound much more centered. You have a lot of things to sort through with this relationship and your attitude right now seems more in line with the situation.

Give yourself a little more time and your feelings will work their way through. You have had a tough couple of months...demanding that you keep up with the rate of change on an emotional level seems a little unreasonable.

I wouldn't worry about his response just yet. Follow your instincts on this. If you don't feel like staying then don't...stop worrying about how he will interpret it. You are working on your own end and he has thrown too many curves for you to be worried about both for now.

I think that it is interesting that he is a little nervous right now. Also funny that he likes tossing out the little zingers about family and future...just to keep you hoping or something. He has no call to even mention that to you right now when he still won't call you his girlfriend...I think it is pretty sh*$ty of him, considering.

Either way I think you have gotten your point across and he is on notice. If he doesn't shape up now he never will.

Proud of you, chicky. Been thinking about you all week, glad to hear you doing so well.

[C1d6OC]

Let me be the first to say Welcome Back and glad you had a good time (if I am in fact the first). I just wanna say that a lot has happened since you've been gone with respect to my situation, but that's another topic on its own.

Wow, I knew that taking this time apart would give you such a different perspective. Reading through this post, it almost seems strange that you don't have the neediness anymore. Now HE is the one that is worried about YOU. Get my point? I mean he's upset that you made plans and didn't involve him...hmmm. Sounds a bit strange really. The more you decide to push away (in your own limits) the more he will want you. I just can't grasp the fact that it's such a psychological thing, yet it works on almost anyone.

I think in a situation such as this naming kids and such, well you had fun with it. But at the same time, it is a bit confusing. This guy still doesn't have a clue what he wants, but it's so clear that you are included despite it all.

In any case, it's good that you had a great time in France, I've been there once in Nice while I was on a cruise. Beautiful views. I think that you are on the right track with your thoughts and you should keep it up. As always, keep us posted.

On a side note you quoted "Hello anyone who is interested in an update."
Of course we are interested. I always want to hear about how you are doing.

Cdoc

[Tonia2]

Thank you both of you - it is really nice to know that you care...

Seeing him tomorrow, so will keep you posted. At the moment, I really don't feel like I care too much, but I am well aware that this could easily change if he started to detach from me a little bit. I feel disloyal feeling so ambivalent - isn't that strange? Part of me is really reluctant to let go, even if I'm not sure if I want it. Tell you one thing though - I am really enjoying single life at the moment. I put on a lot of weight because I was cooking and eating big meals every night - so looking out for myself and just eating salad if i feel like it gives me ridiculous pleasure. Lots of little things like that are good.

[cycletease]

You are too cute. Glad you are taking care of yourself, you deserve it!

I am not surprised at about feeling strange about letting go. I think I do the same thing. It isn't about him, it is about letting go of a piece of yourself. You maintain so much passion in this little spot for someone and it is really hard to let go of the intensity of feelings. With me if I don't have that intense emotion I feel a little lost. I also wonder if I feed myself to keep that fire burning as strongly because I like the way that it feels.

Let us know how it goes tomorrow. I think you are in a better place to assess things now.

[Tonia2]

Hello guys. I am just back from a pretty amazing weekend with the ex (?)

He called on Saturday and asked if I could go round much earlier than I had planned - during our long call he laughed at something and said, 'I love you, you are just so on my wavelength, with all your little idiosyncrasies.'

I went round and he had spent a fortune in the same deli that he went to the first night he ever cooked for me and had prepared a lovely meal, got a DVD. We had such a nice time, chatting and chilling. Moments of spontenaity when he would turn to me, take my face in his hands and say stuff like; 'I love being with you, do you know that? And I miss you when you aren't here.' We went to bed and he was really cuddly.

This morning I made breakfast and we went out, he was very tactile and we saw a good film. Went back to his flat briefly and ended up in bed (hard not to - the chemistry is phenomonal). Afterwards we discussed 'us' briefly. I said I didn't want to live with him again - certainly not like it was when we were living together before. He asked what I saw happening then - he said that if I didn't see us living together then was there any future? I said I just didn't know, and he said the same. A bit disappointing - I want him to take the bloody risk, but to be honest I really don't want things to go back to how they were. He did say as a postscript though that he just didn't think that at the age of 37 he should have been living at my parents flat with my brother, as if this was the reason it went wrong. He also said he was happy with the way things are going.

It is frustrating - he says one thing, but does another - his actions are so loving and close - he is remembering all sorts of stuff like what we were doing a year ago - it is so different from when we first broke up. I am coming round to seeing his point more and more though - we were drifting so badly and there was no joy. Now I feel a million dollars whenever I am with him, but this situation is not sustainable at our ages and stages. What can we do? All in all quite positive though, and I am really sorry to moan on these forums, as I realise that a lot of people probably envy my position. He is pretty insecure about other men as well, and is constantly asking who has been chatting me up and stuff. He does make me feel so good about myself at the moment. And I am not entirely lying to him. I am enjoying living on my own and being independent too. The things I don't like are not being able to plan for the future (even as far as holidays go and stuff) and sneaking around from my family.

[Tonia2]

he just called to check that i knew I mean so much more to him than just a sh*g.

I said that I hoped that he didn't think I was being cavalier by saying that I didn't think I could live wiht him at the moment (skilfully reminding him that I have an opinion and am not just a victim in all of this). He said that it is important that I speak my mind.

We got talking again, and I said it probably would work if we weren't in this situation and he said that he thought it probably would too, and not to write it off for the future. That is it - I will not pin him down as to how he feels about things again - the rest of the time we are keeping it in the day and it seems to be working.

[ctstheoneforme]

wow. i have just read through all your posts, and i am amazed. on how much better seeing you work through things with the help of others. it has made me realize that i need to take control of how i feel. not just say it, but actually do it.

here is my old post, so you can get the background.

[url]http://www.loveforum.net/t6845-breakupbreak---need-guys-advice-especially-kind-of-long-sorry.html[/url]

this is not an easy thign to deal with, especially when trying to remain friends, i know i am strong enough in the back of my mind, but reading through this i really realize it. i can set things on my terms, and that's what i need. i don't want to become a girl who lets herself be emotionally yo-yoed.

and tonia, i totally admire you for being strong. you should be a lesson for all who are working through a breakup and trying to get back together. nobody is perfect, we all have our moments of weakness. but you always bounce back and put things back to the way you want. i am going to try to do the same.

i know that i don't need my ex, but i want him. not badly enough that i am getting screwed up mentally. but it is a sad loss. and from what he has said the timing is off and he is scared, although he doesn't wan to admit it. i just am going to be strong around him, wait for him to come to me, and be ME. the person he was attracted to in the first place.

but again, thank you guys. i have learned a lot from this post and tonia i wish you the best of luck. you are a strong woman.

courtney

[Tonia2]

Sorry about your situation... You sound like you will do the right thing. I have changed 100% in the 8 weeks since the break up which has benefited me personally hugely, but which has undoubtedly made this relationship viable.

He has just emailed me with concert tickets for mid-May and asked me to go - he hasn't done that for so long - not since things started to go wrong 9 months ago or so - I had to beg him to do anything nice towards the end. Wary of this, but much happier.

[C1d6OC]

WOW! I am just going to say a big huge WOW! Tonia, I think in the near future, you are going to stop posting, because you won't need to anymore. You have once again not ceased to amaze me. I give you a huge congratulations for everything that you have done you are definitely on the right track.

I just want to let you know that it has been about the same amount of time being broken up with my ex and I think I have full confidence in saying that I have NO intentions of returning to her, even if she does ask for me back. I am having too much fun right now and to sacrifice it, it will be difficult. (that was just a brief update on my situation).

In any case, keep up the good work, because it's almost an art what you are doing. You're managing to do what not a lot would even consider.

csthe - I'm going to go read your thread now.

Cdoc

[Tonia2]

Thanks Cdoc - you are doing wonderfully well... if I had had NC from my ex, I might well be at the same place as you are by now. I could still be heading for a big fall - there is nothing to say that exactly the thing won't happen again. I am so much happier in myself now though, so perhaps I wouldn't react to it in the same way...

I tell you what though - if anyone does want to take the route that I have, it is very very hard work and you have to really want it. I am not saying that in terms of tenaciously hanging on to a dead relationship, I mean working on yourself and looking out for your own interests, repairing your self-esteem after a break-up, not hooking into the ex's tactics, maintaining a sense of self and not trying to push too hard for a reconciliation. At the moment, it seems it is working for me, but there are no guarantees.

When we first broke up, a lot of people told me to forget it, but I knew deep down that he really cared for me, seems I was right. I am scared that he is just addicted to the thrill of the early part of the relationship though, and I am frightened of the journey ahead - both of us trying to negociate to the next stage. Trying to keep it in the day at the moment though, and see this as a completely different entity to the relationship we used to have. Cycle - you were so so right about making him work for it... he is making me feel so great a lot of the time now, and it was worth all that heartache and the break-up of our 'old' relationship to get to this stage again. Regardless of how it turns out in the end. Thank you.

[Tonia2]

Then, as you know, you will have a private breakdown, cry yourself dry, pick yourself up and go do some living. When he discovers that you are having a fabulous life and he can't just call whenever he feels like it, he will be tripping over himself to get you back and make things up to you. BUT you cannot let him back to start. You need to push him away and tell him that he has hurt you and that you are not willing to be hurt like that again. Let him know that you are calling the terms and you will be number one.

THis is way back from one of Cycletease's first replies to my situation - very prophetic, and without implying that everything is great yet, I think I have achieved this to a certain extent. Thank you again.

[Tonia2]

Sorry to keep posting... just thinking about things. One other thing that amused me - he has bought new linen for his bed, because I told him that the old sheets were hard, like his heart (with my tongue in cheek!). He pointed out that he had done this especially for my benefit as he had been hurt by what I had said. I thought that was pretty sweet.

[cycletease]

Ahh, absence is a great thing! Nothing like giving him a chance to miss you to turn him around. THIS is what a boyfriend should be acting like! No more compromising, your guy should treat you like this all the time. He is lucky to have you and he better not forget it!

I am thrilled to hear that things seem to be improving. I know you are dissatisfied with this limbo land of not really official boyrfriend status. I think that that will change soon.

I would count out cohabitation. A lot can change when you are working on it...

Proud of you, as always. Things sound much better and so do you!

[Tonia2]

Short update. spoke to him for a long time last night. He said that he had really not thought that this would happen at the end of our relationship - that we would have a clean break- but that he found it very hard to let me go and loves being with me. I said that I was not prepared to do this if he sees this as the death throes of our relationship and he categorically stated that this was not the case – he is enjoying this, but says we need to look at the future quite soon and can't sustain the way it is at the moment. He also referred to himself as my boyfriend and said he wasn’t too freaked out at the thought of me telling my mum what is going on, so that was good.

He said some really nice things about me and how special I am and I told him some harsh truths about the end of the relationship – how he had eroded my self-esteem etc. So it really is amazing how far this has come. I still think that exactly the same thing would happen again though at the moment- he needs help. I honestly don’t know if I could trust him again, and I find his assumption that children will make everything Ok very scary. He even went into it last night. I pointed out that things just get harder – with marriage and kids. He disagreed, and said that he thinks once you have kids everything changes and you are forced to live up to your responsibilities! I said that I don’t want anyone who is just there out of a sense of responsibility! He terrifies me with his naivety. Just trying to relax and let it play itself out now... it is hard having things unresolved though - so close and yet so far.

Cycle, what did you mean exactly about cohabitation? Do you think we should never contemplate it? What do you think the next move should be in terms of getting our future back on track - if that is what we both ultimately want? We are both scared that living together just doesn't seem to work, and I don't really see how it would be any different next time around.

[cycletease]

Cycle, what did you mean exactly about cohabitation? Do you think we should never contemplate it? What do you think the next move should be in terms of getting our future back on track - if that is what we both ultimately want? We are both scared that living together just doesn't seem to work, and I don't really see how it would be any different next time around.

Sorry, I was typing so quickly that I misspoke. I need to reread before I post! I mean that I WOULDN'T discount living together. I think that things may be different under different circumstances. That is, only if he is at a point where he is able to more honestly and openly communicate. If you are feeling that things would be the same then you really are at an impass. He would need to get that counselling for a good long time, in that case...which means you are in limbo for as far as I can see.

You are right to be concerned about his views on children and marriage...definitely foolish. It may be true for him, but it is very weird. Why should children be the one thing that makes him take responsibility? Why not a girlfriend or wife whos relationship having a child is based upon? Does he have any idea how much stress having a child puts on a household and relationship? How is it that that stress is going to keep him from wanting to escape? Seems to me that once the heat was turned up he would be jumping out of the pan. He is just guessing that he will feel differently with kids. It is a huge risk for you since you would be left carrying the burden.

These are good conversations to be having and are miles further than where you were a month ago. I am glad he is coming around enough to have an adult conversation.

Some thinking time for you, I suspect. He is right, this is not a sustainable period for either of you. This phase is going to grow tiresome and both of you will either be wanting more or wanting out. It will be nice to see some resolution, I think.

Did it hurt you more to hear that he thought the relationship was totally over? Are you ok with him feeling like he wanted to walk? Or are you glad to hear that he couldn't do it? Sounds like he was really being honest with you...