Winning her back

[survivor08]

Nothing but pride, or self respect, or her. Maybe you'll piss her off so that she'd never consider giving you another chance. It's just that, you can' force her to give you that chance. We're saying tend to you, let the chips fall where they may on the other part.

Tell her what I said to my ex:
don't call, don't email, go be the promiscious (although I used a colorful spanish word to describe her) girl you were, find another man and relationship to screw up...work on your next man...

Then if she comes begging in the future, it is your choice to take her back...

[fi123]

Hey and for what i think the only way you are going to have a chance of getting her back is to have no contact. Basically i would write her a short letter/email after having no contact for a few days saying u've been thinking a lot about your relationship over those few days and what's happened between the two of you and that u totally agree with the break up now and she was totally right to initiate it and it is the best thing for you too and that you really don't want to be with her anymore. Don't contradict anything she has said to you recently or say anything like i hope we can be friends and don't be nasty in anyway. Just be short sweet and to the point. Also just mention briefly'casually that a friend has set you up on a blind date with a girl you used to really like before the two of u started seeing each other who who you've not seen for about 3 years and that you are now looking forward to getting on with your life and feeling much more rational about the whole situation and that you genuinely wish her no hard feelings loads of luck for the future. After that do the no contact thing religiously and gradually she will realise that u are not around any more, out of her life and u have truely gotten over her and couldn't care less. This is the only way she is going to start missing you. At the moment she is so one million percent aware that she could snap her fingers and you would come running that there is less than zero percent chance of u getting her back. After about a month/ 6 weeks or so arrange to accidentally bump into her in the street and just have a casual chat with her. But you must not act as if u miss her at all u must act really happy and smiley. during the 6 weeks u have to really work on yourself, go to the gym/ exercise every day, maybe revamp your wardrobe, get a new haircut, and i would also advise you to join one or two internet dating sites, not that i am saying because ur not going to get back with your girl but it would honestly do u good to focus on yourself for a bit. after that if she doesn't show any interest then just keep up the no contact, just bump into accidentally now and again and be very happy when u see her. The above is the only way i can see you having any chance with her. p.s. i am a girl and what u are currently doing would have me running for the hills

[and_for_what]

Hey guys. You're going to be so dissapointed in me, haha:
Bear in mind, though, that I basically haven't seen her properly for several weeks (I was away over christmas and then all this happened) and we haven't yet properly talked about it all. So this was what we both benefitted from tonight. I had almost seven hours with her, and it was a delightful temporary release from the very physical pains I'd been feeling. We talked about all sorts of shit, loads of stuff. She was honest with me most of the time. Basically in the end what it was was that she just didn't feel anything for me, and that was that. She's always been the apathetic type, we both are, and I know that she tends not to care about anyone in particular. She used to like me plenty, but then not, and all that kept it going was it being normal and having nothing to take her away from it.
We always thought we communicated well, but apparently we really never did. We were complacent and lazy.

It was the kind of talk that would have really benefitted us a few weeks ago, lol.
I feel a great deal better after having that talk with her. We really said a whole lot of stuff. It wasn't all about "us" - not at all. I brought up various carefully-chosen topics, and we spent a lot of time playing my guitar and things like that. She wants me to go round to her house and for us to play together and stuff.
She wants to keep seeing me - as a "friend", of course. She suggested we see each other early next week. I'll see how I develop over the weekend and then decide what I want to do.
We definately said a lot of good stuff. It made me really believe that even from my point of view, there's no going back. Like I said before: I don't want to go back with her - but I do want to move forward with her.
During the evening there was no inappropriate contact, as far as I'm concerned. We sat far apart from each other the whole time, then she wanted a hug when it was time to go, which I provided.

It got late and she wanted to spend the night here. She asked her new bf and he said that she can't, and he came and gave her a lift back with him. It did not escape my attention that she was so careful to avoid upsetting her new guy, but thought nothing of destroying me like she did. She got quite upset and apologised profusely for how it all happened, but was right to also say that actually it doesn't bother her as much as it ought to - because in the end she didn't care about me much. I can understand that fully - however sad it is. She can regret that I was upset by it, but at the same time not actually regret what actually happened or how. It sounds gay and shit but it makes sense to me.

I went out with her to his car and he wound down the window. This was the first time we'd met properly. I said, smiling and friendly, "Hey dude, sorry to keep her out so late - it's my fault entirely, don't blame her! Goodnight."
He was all like "oh, yea yea sorry no worries, don't worry about it.." and put up his hands.


I went back in and picked out a suitably small jar.....

[Lite]

I went back in and picked out a suitably small jar.....

It sounds like you gained the closure you needed, I'd put the jar away. Just learn to move on and better your life for yourself.

[and_for_what]

It sounds like you gained the closure you needed, I'd put the jar away. Just learn to move on and better your life for yourself.

Right now, dude - I mean this very minute, I feel SUCH relief, but tbh as soon as I got back inside out popped a question I wanted to ask her. Then another. And "shit, I meant to say that..." and so on. When I wake up tomorrow I have no idea how I will feel. There's no predicting where my emotional journey will take me next, so I will have to wait and see. I will enjoy closure when it comes, and I'll move on when I've moved on. In a large part at this stage I am just a passenger. I'll get control back soon enough, I'm sure, but I'm really just drifting along for now.

[Lite]

Right now, dude - I mean this very minute, I feel SUCH relief, but tbh as soon as I got back inside out popped a question I wanted to ask her. Then another. And "shit, I meant to say that..." and so on. When I wake up tomorrow I have no idea how I will feel. There's no predicting where my emotional journey will take me next, so I will have to wait and see. I will enjoy closure when it comes, and I'll move on when I've moved on. In a large part at this stage I am just a passenger. I'll get control back soon enough, I'm sure, but I'm really just drifting along for now.

Still perfectly normal to feel. But you know what, you need to accept that there are some questions for her you'll just have to answer yourself, and none of them really has much of anything to do with whether or not you feel you're a good mate to someone. Which is the important question.

Don't drift too long.

[kene]

Hey and for what i think the only way you are going to have a chance of getting her back is to have no contact. Basically i would write her a short letter/email after having no contact for a few days saying u've been thinking a lot about your relationship over those few days and what's happened between the two of you and that u totally agree with the break up now and she was totally right to initiate it and it is the best thing for you too and that you really don't want to be with her anymore. Don't contradict anything she has said to you recently or say anything like i hope we can be friends and don't be nasty in anyway. Just be short sweet and to the point. Also just mention briefly'casually that a friend has set you up on a blind date with a girl you used to really like before the two of u started seeing each other who who you've not seen for about 3 years and that you are now looking forward to getting on with your life and feeling much more rational about the whole situation and that you genuinely wish her no hard feelings loads of luck for the future. After that do the no contact thing religiously and gradually she will realise that u are not around any more, out of her life and u have truely gotten over her and couldn't care less. This is the only way she is going to start missing you. At the moment she is so one million percent aware that she could snap her fingers and you would come running that there is less than zero percent chance of u getting her back. After about a month/ 6 weeks or so arrange to accidentally bump into her in the street and just have a casual chat with her. But you must not act as if u miss her at all u must act really happy and smiley. during the 6 weeks u have to really work on yourself, go to the gym/ exercise every day, maybe revamp your wardrobe, get a new haircut, and i would also advise you to join one or two internet dating sites, not that i am saying because ur not going to get back with your girl but it would honestly do u good to focus on yourself for a bit. after that if she doesn't show any interest then just keep up the no contact, just bump into accidentally now and again and be very happy when u see her. The above is the only way i can see you having any chance with her. p.s. i am a girl and what u are currently doing would have me running for the hills

This post is the winner, although it would be better if u used paragraphs.

Though I think mentioning the blind date thing is contrived.

What I *might* do is explain your recent amazing pathetic behavior as not being specific to her, but something she did bringing up something bad in your past (maybe hitting you with some emotional baggage or something) that you've now noted and will deal with.

Then I would say the way she treated you is beneath you, and you deserve better.

Oh, and then, I would never ever initiate contact with her again. EVER. EVER. EVER.

[and_for_what]

Before the it passes, I wanted to note that I'm feeling pretty good at the moment. Today I've been happy, hungry and horny. My sleep is still bad, but I've had trouble with it for a few years and disrupted nights tend to make me wake up at the same times for quite a long time to come. I can sort that out, though.

But yea I feel pretty calm and ok with stuff right now.

It was always the case, right from the very start, that the less interest she showed in me and the less time we spent together, the less I liked her. (She worked the opposite way - the more I liked her, she less she was attracted).

So I guess this is what I'd expect to be happening, since we've had little time together and she dislikes me, it makes me feel less towards her, and that feeling is starting to shine through the dust and smoke of the "breakup" emotions now.

[and_for_what]

Well it was nice while it lasted, but I feel shit again now. For slightly different reasons - not because she left me but because I don't think I could ever have her back even if she wanted me to. I feel so betrayed, I don't know how I could ever trust her again. I thought that if there was one thing in the world that I could depend on and trust, it was her - and that proved to be wrong.
On the one hand she is still everything I loved about her - but on the other hand there is that glaring fact, that she did what she did, and in the way that she did it. That she's not even sorry it happened.
It's hard to reconcile the two.

The life raft I've been clinging to during the last few days has been the idea that I could yet have her back. With that sunk, the next task for me in this process will be dealing with not being able to, no matter what happens. It's a tragedy, because I can't imagine anyone better.
And what happens if I go all James Bond and can never trust women again? It made him pretty bitter and ****ed. At least he was happy to sleep around and stuff - that's not my style.

I don't want to imagine how it must be for older people, who had been together longer. Quite a few years ago now, back when I lived with my parents still, a family friend who lived locally came by unexpectedly one day to see us. He had just discovered his wife was having an afair. They'd been married over twenty years and had three kids. That must really **** you up, shit.



People are awful, aren't we?

[fi123]

It is a great advantage being young as there is still so much opportunity ahead.
When i was younger i used to belong to Amnestly International and they used to send you a magazine every month that described some of the terrible things that happened to people. I know this probably won't help you at all, because everybody's situation is relative to the rest of their lives only but sometimes it is useful to think that your life and situation could be a hell of a lot worse. It helps me sometimes to think of how my life could be much worse than it is, to remember really, my life's not too bad and has a lot more potential for happiness than some.

[and_for_what]

It is a great advantage being young as there is still so much opportunity ahead.
When i was younger i used to belong to Amnestly International and they used to send you a magazine every month that described some of the terrible things that happened to people. I know this probably won't help you at all, because everybody's situation is relative to the rest of their lives only but sometimes it is useful to think that your life and situation could be a hell of a lot worse. It helps me sometimes to think of how my life could be much worse than it is, to remember really, my life's not too bad and has a lot more potential for happiness than some.

Things like that don't help me at a time like this. I know that shit could be so much worse, but when you feel like shit, you feel like shit, and knowing that there's someone worse off doesn't cure it for me.

thanks.

goodnight now

[IndiReloaded]

Quite a few years ago now, back when I lived with my parents still, a family friend who lived locally came by unexpectedly one day to see us. He had just discovered his wife was having an afair. They'd been married over twenty years and had three kids. That must really **** you up, shit.

People are awful, aren't we?

People are just people. Look, part of growing up and becoming wise is learning to see things for what they really are, not how you'd LIKE them to be. Once you do this, its actually extremely easy to figure out why ppl do what they do. It also becomes easier to set goals so that you can help move things towards what you want. But it takes a certain amount of honesty and discipline with oneself.

BTW, there are a lot of adults that never figure this out, your example of the guy surprised by the affair, for example. I can guarantee, without even knowing the situation, that there were signs of her affair, and there were things going on in their relationship that could have changed things. NOTHING happens in a vacuum, ever.

I think you could do with really thinking about why you are doing the things you are with this gal. And what you expect from these actions as a result. NOT what you WANT, what you predict will happen based on the current situation. If you don't like where that little mental exercise takes you, I suggest you change what you are doing so that it IS more aligned with your true goals.

Think about this. Hard. Good luck.

[and_for_what]

I think you could do with really thinking about why you are doing the things you are with this gal. And what you expect from these actions as a result. NOT what you WANT, what you predict will happen based on the current situation. If you don't like where that little mental exercise takes you, I suggest you change what you are doing so that it IS more aligned with your true goals.

Think about this. Hard. Good luck.

Right now what I'm doing is very little. I've been e-mailing her about random shit, just chat - such was my habit and it seems harmless right now to stop it. She is spending 90-95% of her time with the new guy so I don't hear much back. I'll probably stop soon, but it's just another thing that would be hard to do without and it helps for now. Actually I'm not sure when I sent the last one anyway.

I will be seeing her after work on Tuesday because that evening we both partake in a hobby of ours. It was really my thing that I got her into recently, so she will probably quit it soon but for now I'll see her there once or twice a week.
We will have 2.5hrs together between her leaving work and us going back out. I intend to tell her some stuff I've been thinking, a complete reversal on much of what I said on Saturday. Basically I'm coming around to a way of thinking closer to some of the more... aggressive... replies earlier in this thread.


thanks everyone, I'm going to bed now

[and_for_what]

It looks like there's no one left reading this shit any more, but anyway:

Today I saw her a bit at lunch time and basically told her off a bit, and clarified my current position. Then I went to her house after work and we played guitar all evening mostly, and talked to her mum and stuff. Her mum likes me and is very welcoming, making us food and stuff like that. Apparently she's met her new bf and was quite cold towards him. I feel a bit sorry for him, really.

We both had a very nice evening - probably our best time together since last summer. I didn't do anything silly - no touching or sitting close to her or anything like that.


I just figure that the "stay involved with her" option is only valid for a short period and I need to strike while the iron's hot. The "be distant" approach can begin to be employed at any time, though.

haha, she said to me that her bf told her he can't stop thinking that she and I go out to trap other guys into fake relationships and stuff, lol. As though I get a sadistic pleasure out of watching my girlfriend fade away with another man, and she loves to break his heart.
I thought that was quite a "charming" idea in a way. He must feel fairly insecure about it all though, seeing as how she and I are still in touch with each other how we are.

[IndiReloaded]

I don't know what you see in this gal, she sounds very self-centred and immature.

If her BF is smart, he will dump her soon.

Congratulations, tho, you are now a full-fledged doormat. On your way to being her disposable tampon. She's gonna bleed on you when he dumps her and then throw you away.

Wake the hell up, man.