Issues with my wife.

[IndiReloaded]

We live about 5 hours from her parents. She wants to go see them for the weekend. She wants to leave on Friday morning. I can't get the time off of work so I'll ask her if we can leave after I get off. She says no she does not want to wait. She leaves on Friday morning, and I get upset because she didn't wait for me.

I'd just like to point out that I do think this is a problem. Specifically, what I bolded. And the bar stuff is just way out of line. Combined with her lying and general sneakiness, she's not sounding so nice to me. What's good about her that you love so much?

I gotta say, the more you post the more reasonable you sound and the more of a high-maintenance drama-queen your wife sounds like. You aren't being at all unreasonable about these things, tho, of course I'm not there to hear *how* these exchanges happen.

Other than you having reasonable complaints about her behaviour, what are her main issues with you?

[cal dave]

Okay, but the question was: how do you prevent her from doing what she wants? (Not "what does she want to do?")

BTW - I understand you being upset about the bar hopping, but I don't think it's a big deal that she visit her parents without you. Is there some reason you must attend? I have a sister who lives about 5 1/2 hours away, and when I visit her (and drive rather than fly), I like to get an early start, too. Also, I kind of like to have her all to myself. Perhaps this is the case with her family?

The reality is that I never physically stop her from doing anything. I use my words and tell her that I'm not ok with what she wants to do. Plain and simple.

About the visiting family thing, I get what you are saying. Its just that I kinda like her family a little better than mine. And I enjoy going to see them. They treat me like a king. LoL It just contributes the the whole general feeling that I'm not wanted. And if that is the case, so be it. I'm getting over it, and her, the more that I type.

[cal dave]

What's good about her that you love so much?

You aren't being at all unreasonable about these things, tho, of course I'm not there to hear *how* these exchanges happen.

what are her main issues with you?

What I love about her is that we actually have a really close connection with each other. No matter what happens I know that we will still feel this connection. It is hard to explain but it is really strong. Also, we have been through a lot together and have a lot in common. She was there for me when I really down and needed a lot of help to get back on my feet. And she is a beautiful person inside and out. Even though I have painted her as a really bad person, I know my wife is in there somewhere and she still loves me. I think she is confused about life in general and hopefully we can find a way to grow together.

As for our exchanges, they are fights. In the final months leading up to her departure, I would raise an issue and she would just say, "here we go again" and dig in her trenches to defend herself like a trapped tiger. The claws would come out and she would just rip and tear at the situation instead of trying to come to some sort of compramise, which is what I always tried to do.

Her complaints about me are:

I complain about everything.
I want to stop her from doing what she wants.
I'm messy around the house.
I need a best friend.
I need to be able to give her more space.

Some of these I can agree with and I can see where she is coming from in fact I'm working on fixing these things in order to make myself a well rounded person. I know you all are getting one side of the story but what I have been telling you is the truth and I'm not perfect either. But what I want from her is a comitment that we are both going to work on our shortcomings in the relationship and make it better. But in order to do that, I feel like she needs to recommit to the relationship. Which is where we are right now.

[Babeejulss]

Dave,

When I started to read the post i immediately thought it was my husband!!! I am 25 going on 26 in May and he just turned 27. We have been together for 8 years, married for 3. And we are having issues in our relationship as well. Not sure if you read my post ... Torn between love and money. I love my husband but I feel like we have grown apart. He hasn't done much to better himself while i went on to get my graduate degree.

I've been thinking maybe we got together to young. Maybe we didn't get to experience the dating life... Maybe i'm tired of having him always around.... Maybe it's that 7 year itch thats messing me up. I don't know what it is though.

I think I have matured differently than my husband. We want different things out of life and we haven't figured out a way to compromise.

[cal dave]

Dave,

When I started to read the post i immediately thought it was my husband!!! I am 25 going on 26 in May and he just turned 27. We have been together for 8 years, married for 3. And we are having issues in our relationship as well. Not sure if you read my post ... Torn between love and money. I love my husband but I feel like we have grown apart. He hasn't done much to better himself while i went on to get my graduate degree.

I've been thinking maybe we got together to young. Maybe we didn't get to experience the dating life... Maybe i'm tired of having him always around.... Maybe it's that 7 year itch thats messing me up. I don't know what it is though.

I think I have matured differently than my husband. We want different things out of life and we haven't figured out a way to compromise.

Sorry to hear that, I didn't read your post, I barely have time for this thread. I know it is a difficult, I hope both of you guys find happiness regardless of the outcome.

[Gigabitch]

Dave, to make a marriage work, you both have to want it. You both have to participate. It sounds like she's not participating in the relationship and you're not participating in anything BUT the relationship.

I agree with Babee about the 7 year itch thing. If it makes you feel any better, I was a bit like this when I was 26- wouldn't let anyone tell me what to do, wouldn't let my boyfriend keep tabs on me, etc. The difference is, I made sure not to disappoint anyone by not overcommitting myself. That's why I didn't get married until I was 30.

It sounds to me like your wife thinks that being a grown-up is boring and she wants to be more in touch with her inner Tara Reid. That's just not going to work. She's being childish and ridiculous. There are better ways to get what you want.

[IndiReloaded]

I know my wife is in there somewhere and she still loves me. I think she is confused about life in general and hopefully we can find a way to grow together.

Ah, so you are at the stage of 'waiting for the space aliens to return your wife to you'. LOL, poor guy.

If you can find the patience to wait, while setting boundaries that don't sacrifice your self-respect (I would totally cut off this 'guy friend' thing), I think she will come back to you.

And honestly, if she doesn't come around (set yourself a mental time limit for this, btw), then you won't have lost much. For your ego, tho, I do predict she'll eventually regret it if she doesn't.

Its a waiting game now buddy. Can't think of much else except continue the counselling and be very pointed in the issues you discuss there. She'll either wake up or she won't. Hang in there.

[cal dave]

Ah, so you are at the stage of 'waiting for the space aliens to return your wife to you'. LOL, poor guy.

If you can find the patience to wait, while setting boundaries that don't sacrifice your self-respect (I would totally cut off this 'guy friend' thing), I think she will come back to you.

And honestly, if she doesn't come around (set yourself a mental time limit for this, btw), then you won't have lost much. For your ego, tho, I do predict she'll eventually regret it if she doesn't.

Its a waiting game now buddy. Can't think of much else except continue the counselling and be very pointed in the issues you discuss there. She'll either wake up or she won't. Hang in there.

Thanks, chatting this out online has really helped me out more than actually talking to people IRL. I think it has to do with the time period between posts, and trying to write things that make sense.

I appreciate all your guys' help!

[raptor5618]

I have been through a lot with my current wife and figured out a lot of things I wished I knew earlier.

The first an most important is that she can do what ever she wants. If it affects me in some way feelings wise I tell her. She has to decide if it is still that important to her. If it is, then I need to decide if it is a deal breaker or not. If not the issue is done. It really is a question of am I able to accept her behavior or not.

Once you accept it, let it go.

One other thing to consider is depression. Read up on it because it is a bear to deal with if she is in fact depressed. It does not sound like it to me but yo mentioned it.

Your problems with different things are neither right nor wrong. We all need certain things in our lives and if the other person cannot provide those things to us well what are we in a relationship with them for. There really does not need to be any blame placed on each other. In relationships both can be right and the relationship ends.

I think you have been more than understanding and if my wife was doing those things to me I would not be able to accept it. But you are so those things you accept stop trying to prove that you are right and she is wrong.

One other hint, never do anything with an expectation of the other person doing something. Guaranteed disappointment there and if you think about it you are trying to manipulate her.

Some of this was very foreign and sounded wrong to me when I was first presented with these ideas but after trying to stick by them for a while they let you feel more at peace with your life. Yea there is still pain but once you take out trying to think about what the other person is doing and if it is right or wrong or how you can stop it or start other things you will feel better.

[PHP][/PHIP]

[cal dave]

I have been through a lot with my current wife and figured out a lot of things I wished I knew earlier.

The first an most important is that she can do what ever she wants. If it affects me in some way feelings wise I tell her. She has to decide if it is still that important to her. If it is, then I need to decide if it is a deal breaker or not. If not the issue is done. It really is a question of am I able to accept her behavior or not.

Once you accept it, let it go.

One other thing to consider is depression. Read up on it because it is a bear to deal with if she is in fact depressed. It does not sound like it to me but yo mentioned it.

Your problems with different things are neither right nor wrong. We all need certain things in our lives and if the other person cannot provide those things to us well what are we in a relationship with them for. There really does not need to be any blame placed on each other. In relationships both can be right and the relationship ends.

I think you have been more than understanding and if my wife was doing those things to me I would not be able to accept it. But you are so those things you accept stop trying to prove that you are right and she is wrong.

One other hint, never do anything with an expectation of the other person doing something. Guaranteed disappointment there and if you think about it you are trying to manipulate her.

Some of this was very foreign and sounded wrong to me when I was first presented with these ideas but after trying to stick by them for a while they let you feel more at peace with your life. Yea there is still pain but once you take out trying to think about what the other person is doing and if it is right or wrong or how you can stop it or start other things you will feel better.

[PHP][/PHIP]

That was great advice. Thank you.

[cal dave]

Well here is an update. This past I Monday I needed a cell phone. The account is under my wife's name so I call her up and ask her for the password to get access to the account. She comes up with a big long story about how she has too many passwords that she does not know which one it is. I ask her to just tell me what her passwords are so I can try each one. She does another tap dance around giving me the passwords. I begin to get suspicious. Belive me I don't go into her stuff and snoop around, but this was making me get suspicious. The only reason I can think of that she would be hiding the password from me is that she is talking to someone that she should not be talking to.

I call our marriage couseler and ask her what I should do. She advises me to just drop it for now and to bring it up durring our next meeting. I say OK. It was really hard not to confront her again about it but I didn't.

At the counseling session she still refused to give me the password. Even with the couseler saying that she should, and telling me that due to my wife's history, I deserve to know. So at the end of the session we left the room with an understanding that she would give me the password. As we walked out, she walked about 10 feet in front of me and didn't look at me. As we got close to our cars, she turned her head and said "see you later" and walked away. I did not talk to her the rest of the night but I left her a voice mail saying that I expected to get the password by the end of the night. I called back later and said that if she would just tell me that she is cheating on me that we could just end it and move on with our lives. But if I found out that she had been cheating on me on my own, I would let everyone know what she did. The password didn't arrive.

Today I wrote her this email:

Please understand that what I’m about to say is with a heavy heart and I that hope my allegations are wrong.

I know that you are very frustrated about what happened last night. Everything you believe is being challenged and I understand that it is very difficult for you to have to deal with it. You and I are being faced with fundamental questions that we have been ignoring about ourselves and relationship for a long time. Over time you have shut me out of your life, and the whole phone fiasco is just a byproduct of both of our inabilities to trust one and other. I have trusted you for the longest time, and just accepted the fact that you want to withhold information from me. However at this point, the panic mode you enter every time I ask for the password makes me really believe that you are hiding something from me again, and I will not tolerate that feeling. Especially when you could solve this issue in 10 minutes unless there is really something that you are hiding.
0A

At this point I can no longer take your word for it. I really wish I could, but I have been burned before. This level of secrecy in the face of divorce leads me to believe that I have been trying in vain to fit a square peg into a round hole. No matter how much I love you, there is absolutely no room in my heart for deceit. I have lived in this marriage with the upmost morality and respect for you and the commitment I made, if you have been lying to me, I feel bad that you will have to look at yourself in the mirror when this is all done.

I am no longer a man crouched down on his knees for you. At this point, I have chosen to rise to my feet and take a stand for what I want. If this is a deal breaker for you, I am prepared to turn and walk away. Please provide me the password by 5 pm Saturday (3-14-09) or sooner, or we are completely through.

[The_bobb]

Good for you. Now that your 1/3 of the way there...

Now ask yourself, do you have the grapes to go through with it if she doesn't give up to the password?

[IndiReloaded]

Ah man, I'm sorry. But kudos to you for bringing this up in your session. You needed to know.

She's pretty busted at this point. Told you she'd be furious.

I would take steps to protect myself, especially financially, at this point. You are right, she cannot be trusted. Partners have been known to clean out accounts, rack up credit card charges, do all kinds of crazy stuff when things get to this stage. If you share any accounts with her, now is the time to cancel them. Sorry to say this stuff, but until she proves herself trustworthy you need to assume she is like a rabid dog that can turn and bite at any time. How much you love the dog is irrelevant at this point. Keep in mind that accounts and such can be reinstated if you reconcile.

Oh, one other thing to offer: you have her cornered. She is caught out and you both know it. So, once you ensure she cannot do you any lasting damage, you might consider giving her what I call a "graceful out". Meaning that you don't directly confront her about her lying and such if there is nothing for you to be gained by it. It will keep her from freaking out completely and you will be better able to control your interactions. I hope what I'm saying makes sense to you.

Positive thoughts go out to you, hun. Get some support from friends and family. Try to keep your balance as best you can.

[lesa]

Well here is an update. This past I Monday I needed a cell phone. The account is under my wife's name so I call her up and ask her for the password to get access to the account. She comes up with a big long story about how she has too many passwords that she does not know which one it is. I ask her to just tell me what her passwords are so I can try each one. She does another tap dance around giving me the passwords. I begin to get suspicious. Belive me I don't go into her stuff and snoop around, but this was making me get suspicious. The only reason I can think of that she would be hiding the password from me is that she is talking to someone that she should not be talking to.

I call our marriage couseler and ask her what I should do. She advises me to just drop it for now and to bring it up durring our next meeting. I say OK. It was really hard not to confront her again about it but I didn't.

At the counseling session she still refused to give me the password. Even with the couseler saying that she should, and telling me that due to my wife's history, I deserve to know. So at the end of the session we left the room with an understanding that she would give me the password. As we walked out, she walked about 10 feet in front of me and didn't look at me. As we got close to our cars, she turned her head and said "see you later" and walked away. I did not talk to her the rest of the night but I left her a voice mail saying that I expected to get the password by the end of the night. I called back later and said that if she would just tell me that she is cheating on me that we could just end it and move on with our lives. But if I found out that she had been cheating on me on my own, I would let everyone know what she did. The password didn't arrive.

Today I wrote her this email:

Without reading your other posts except a skim to check whether you had children, I would get a divorce. I don't believe in divorce for myself (probably the reason I'm not married), but I would literally go crazy in a relationship like that. I would lose the real me, become psychotic, and may do something that could put me in jail.

Your post above makes me very sad. Sorry that you are going through this.

[cal dave]

My grapes are ready for this.

Thanks for the advice on the bank accounts there is one we share. I'm doing the deeds as soon as I finish typing.

Thanks for the positive energy Indi!

To all thanks again all for getting me through this. I think it has been about a week or so since my first post and I have made so much more progress than a whole year of doing this on my own.

I don't like to talk to friends and family too much because I know there opinions are going to be bias.