Wits End

[Tone]

*kisses Junsui's forehead*

[Junsui]

Thank you Tone
I couldn't stop laughing and now I have tears in my eyes lol.

[indigosoul]

She's very pretty, is all.

Actually, its Audrey Hepburn.

:now for the confession:

Some have asked to see a photo of me. This is my compromise. I won't post an actual photo of myself, but I have been told by many ppl that I strongly resemble her (I have media photos on my company website that are uncanny).

Its enough that at a hypothetical LF convention, you could definitely be able to recognize me from this, but that outside that environment you could only wonder if its some woman who resembles Audrey... So for those who wondered, now you know (sort of).

I wonder if this will affect how ppl value my posts... I've had this kind of problem in the past (men who think "pretty" women are dumb).

[NeoSeminole]

Shh, I never suggested divorce. I understand he wants to repair the situation. Re-read my last post. I listed everything he's done to help bring romance back into the relationship. He mentioned his wife understands there is a problem, yet she does nothing about it. I suggested he sleep with other women b/c it could possibly save their marriage. They seem to have a great relationship besides the lack of sex. Why ruin a good thing? He gets what he wants and she gets what she wants. I don't see what the problem is.

Rosebud, yeah...

[Rosebud]

LOL, I can see what your saying Neo...and I agree she needs to step up to the plate and tell him why she's doing this (knowing there's a problem adn letting it go) but don't you think this would cause more problems for her. I mean maybe people are differnet sand soem may be able to handle someone cheating on them, but don't you think there's a small chance she would this would add fuel to the fire?

And with them having a good relationship aside from one thing, this one thing if he cheated would ruin the other good stuff ie. trust etc..

[Asip4u]

Actually, its Audrey Hepburn.

:now for the confession:

Some have asked to see a photo of me. This is my compromise. I won't post an actual photo of myself, but I have been told by many ppl that I strongly resemble her (I have media photos on my company website that are uncanny).

Its enough that at a hypothetical LF convention, you could definitely be able to recognize me from this, but that outside that environment you could only wonder if its some woman who resembles Audrey... So for those who wondered, now you know (sort of).

I wonder if this will affect how ppl value my posts... I've had this kind of problem in the past (men who think "pretty" women are dumb).

I always thought very highly of your posts indi (not that i posted much on the same issues). Now i know you're pretty and smart.

[Junsui]

What if he got some other woman pregnant? Or ended up with an STD or HIV? Accidents happen and nothing is 100%. Besides you should respect the boundaries of a relationship. I don't understand why you wouldn't just get out of the relationship and then remain friends since that's what their relationship sounds like anyways. Sleeping with other women will bring more people into the problem. Then you have to deal with them getting attached or maybe him getting attached to them. They need to go in for counseling. I don't remember reading that he had tried Everything possible. Just that he helped her out with chores and stuff like that. Of course, I read it earlier today so I don't remember everything he wrote.

[Junsui]

And with them having a good relationship aside from one thing, this one thing if he cheated would ruin the other good stuff ie. trust etc..

Exactly......

[Debunkt]

I don't see what the problem is.

The problem is people don't work that way. Nobody just drops any emotional attachment to someone for the sake of pleasing them. You act like his wife is doing something purposefully against him. But, I'm pretty sure she does not sit at home and think "I'm going to spite my husband for all his hard work by not sleeping with him!" There's no indications of there being a problem outside the sex/passion area of their relationship, so why even risk messing that up by cheating? Believe it or not, talking about things, getting counseling, going to doctors, and that sort of stuff actually works! God forbid you be upfront and WORK for a change (because if he's been doing the same "romantic loving" stuff for the past 2+ years, what has he done to improve anything?). If she knows he's going to sleep with other women, and she's down with that, fine, whatever. But people do not tend to work in a completely ****ing logical Dr. Spock mentality. There is emotional attachment to the sex, despite how little the have it, there is trust and undoubtedly a desire to keep the relationship happy on both ends. Its up to them to decide to what end they are willing to cope and seek out help for their problems. I agree: why ruin a good thing? Why ruin it by cheating?

[Junsui]

I like you Debunkt.

[Tone]

I agree with the previous post! (even though he doesn't have water in his cojones)

[Debunkt]

aawwwwww, you guys!

[NeoSeminole]

who ever said anything about cheating? I said he should sleep with other women. Hopefully, his wife understands he needs sex even if it's not with her. She is being very inconsiderate by not trying at least to satisfy him. God forbid he's actually talked to her about it several times, helps around the house, and has never pressured her for sex (b/c we all know this does not help improve the situation). No married man should have to endure sex 4-5 times a year. He should be allowed to sleep with other women. If his wife understands this, I don't see how it's cheating.

[Debunkt]

That's why I said if his wife knows he's going to do it and is down with it, then that's fine. But honestly, is that going to happen? Not likely.

"Hey honey, since we don't have sex, I was thinking that I was going to start having sex with other women. You don't have to be jealous as I'll never grow any attachment to them and will continue to be exactly the same with you as I've always been. Of course, since I'll be out with these other women, I won't really have as much time to be with you, but don't worry, our relationship can still flourish!"

See, I just don't see it happening. She already indicated that she doesn't even like sleeping away from him. Therefore there is a certain comfort level and wanting of closeness and intimacy there, its just not being fostered in the right way, and sleeping with other people won't help.

[whaywardj]

Offhand, Bmj, sounds as if you and your wife were meant to be good friends, not lovers or married to each other. Evidently, for whatever reasons, either sex in general -- or sex with you -- is not high on her agenda at this current stage of her life. Maybe sex with you strikes her as incestuous, as if you're her brother.

If you wish place the onus of the matter on her, and if you cannot resolve it through discussion (and counseling, if necessary), and if you want to honor the institution of marriage and the obligations it represents, which you've taken upon yourself, all you can do is tell her the complete nature of your discontent, in very clear terms you're SURE she understands, then sit back bide your time as she goes about doing whatever it she must to overcome whatever is standing in the way of her meeting you, at least, halfway toward making some contributions to your having a healthy, if not good, sex life together.

If you're comfortable fudging on the obligations of marriage, being dishonest with her, can afford to without taking material resources away from your household, and want to risk falling in love with someone else (or risk their falling in love with you), remain married to her and take on a mistress or mistresses, as needed without announcement.

If neither of these alternatives appeal, then I'd think you'd want to be asking yourselves why it is you're staying married to each other at all.

On another hand, the onus for it could be on you. Maybe you're just not her cup of tea sexually and may need to do some work on yourself to become more so.

(It's this eventually, btw, that two people are just, simply, sexually incompatible, which begs me completely off the idea of no sex before marriage. That, to me, is a ridiculous proposition which compels people to buy heavily into something before they have a complete understanding of exactly what it is they're actually buying into. The entire concept is an other-directed edict which just causes me to bristle with distaste. Smacks of being a throwback to arranged marriages wherein families endeavored to control lines of inheritance and increase their material wherewithal by forcing their children into personally unrewarding circumstances.)

Personally, frequency of sex in marriage is neither here nor there to me. I don't believe there is some magic or even average number of times a day or year which makes things either normal or otherwise in that regard. It all depends on the individuals involved and the kind of marriage they wish to have together. There are no acceptable standards. Only preferences. And these change over time.

However, the prevelance of anything which causes stress in marriage, and whether that stress is undue, or can be eliminated, do matter to me. Ultimately, they put me in the position of having to choose between enduring the stress indefinitely in as congenial a manner as possible by whatever means necessary for the sake of the marriage...or not.