Close friendship with aborted romantic potential - where can it go?

[Wakeup]

Of course I can't be certain of anything, Nola but I'm assuming that if he wanted to be with you in a romantic sense then he would have jumped at the chance except when you talked about it you both told one another that you didn't have romantic feelings for one another.

I think staying friends at this point is up to you two but keep in mind that it's almost guaranteed that your (which I think is an) unhealthy attachment with one another will cause you both to stagnate looking for romantic partners and when/if you do find someone with potential he and she will likely not be open to you maintaining your friendship as it currently is. No one wants their SO hanging out one-on-one with a member of the opposite sex no matter how long they've been friends. They just don't it's inherent possessivness that is in all of us. Some may tolerate it but I'm pretty sure they don't like it.

So you see if you maintain a "close friendship" you're never going to be able to maintain it the way you desire without problems arising. How will you feel when/if you are no longer his priority?

[nolagirl]

I feel burned by the situation but I do care for him a lot. I agree that the close friendship will inevitably run into these same problems at some point in the future hence this pause+think+decide time.

I've been open to seeing other guys (and in fact was interested in someone else the first time this guy put the moves on me)...but since the holidays/new years I started thinking about him differently and started questioning why I'd written him off as a potential boyfriend. He invited me to his family's Thanksgiving (and I've met his family before, his mother often asks about me)...we have lots of personal/professional contacts in common too...which makes it all the more difficult. Ugh.

I think he's afraid, and rightly so...because I am too. I hate this situation. I'm beginning to think the best thing to do is cool things off entirely by putting more time+distance between us. His requests to be "close without struggles" seem idealistic and I don't think he's seeing that longer term picture.

Romantic feelings don't necessarily equal physical/sexual urges, and those can return easily enough if you say you still really like someone and want to be close.

[nolagirl]

Speaking of inherent possessiveness...the few times I *have* mentioned other guys with him, he made kinda snarky or joking comments like "a straight guy wrote you all that?" and "no (my name), I won't share you with anyone else!" These were in January. Last summer I mentioned getting office space in a building that had lots of male entrepreneurs, which was met with, "oh you'll be a big hit there..." and "those guys think they're so great" etc.

[nolagirl]

Y'all - was thinking more and more about some of the things said here and decided to withdraw from the whole situation. For myself and for him and for just general peace+having a break from worrying/thinking about it as much.

He reached out to me on Easter but I kept my responses pretty minimal + neutral, and ended with, "Let's not contact each other so much. I told you how I felt about being close - so let's keep the space going. Thanks."

And just let it be.

I plan on letting it sit for 30 days as a minimum - not reaching out, just letting the quiet put some distance behind everything.

I have a few moments of "eek, what am I doing?" but I always come back to the feeling of: I think I did the right thing.

[meloveulongtime]

I've been in a similar situation. Someone is bound to get hurt. Keep him as a friend but keep the distance and slowly let it go so you both can move forward. It's not healthy. If it's meant to work out and you both can finally be mature to understand if it was genuine feelings, maybe your paths will cross to rekindle closure. It hurts but its what needs to be done. Good luck and I wish you the best.

[nolagirl]

I've been in a similar situation. Someone is bound to get hurt. Keep him as a friend but keep the distance and slowly let it go so you both can move forward. It's not healthy. If it's meant to work out and you both can finally be mature to understand if it was genuine feelings, maybe your paths will cross to rekindle closure. It hurts but its what needs to be done. Good luck and I wish you the best.

Totally.

Pledging to 30 days of no contact is good for space + breathing room + letting the up-and-down emotions just...settle. We'll see where we come out on the other side. It's like a huge, relieving time-out where there's no need to figure things out or urgently find answers or hear back from each other etc.

Time heals + helps. Whether we're friends on the other side isn't meant to be known now, but I made it clear how I felt about this whole "wanting to be close" thing - I told him the same things will likely only recur. That being said - there was no anger or meanness in my messages nor in his. And that gives me confidence that communication can be had without getting ugly... A reassuring thing.

I do expect he will reach out at least once in the next month - and so I need to decide in advance how to handle that. I think ignoring is rude + childish...but a neutral, non-engaging response to a direct question would be okay. But any guidance or advice on future contact if any would be helpful...

[meloveulongtime]

I am sure he is just as hurt as you, if not, more. The space will be healthy and if he truly is a friend, hell come around after everything calms. Talks, text, and chats are fine but avoid physical contact. You'll be okay. Everything will work for its best.

[meloveulongtime]

Maybe this too will allow both you and him the space you need to reflect how you truely feel about each other.

[bearz]

You'll be fine as long as you keep it at a friendly and mature level. Don't expect anything from each other, don't get flirty, keep emotions out of it. And you are right that ignoring each other is pretty immature - unless you both decide at some point that no contact at all is the way to go.

[IndiReloaded]

He sounds like one of those emotionally retarded attention whoring men who will happily take whatever attention you give him and then, when you want more, will innocently claim "what? I was just being friendly!".

No contact is the right way to go. Disengage, this guy won't give you what you want. You are looking for something he isn't prepared to give.

[nolagirl]

He sounds like one of those emotionally retarded attention whoring men who will happily take whatever attention you give him and then, when you want more, will innocently claim "what? I was just being friendly!".

No contact is the right way to go. Disengage, this guy won't give you what you want. You are looking for something he isn't prepared to give.

I think he doesn't really recognize things for what they are. In some ways, he's very mature and understanding. In other ways I think he's clueless. Months and months ago we were talking about our love lives/history and I asked him if he'd ever been in love and he said no. I was incredulous. And he said his longest relationship was 4 months. He's 34!

I don't understand how I can be his closest female friend and he still wants to be close and I'm "one of the prettiest people" he knows yet this is the situation.

He can think about it by himself for the next month. Too old for this silliness.

[IndiReloaded]

I asked him if he'd ever been in love and he said no. I was incredulous. And he said his longest relationship was 4 months. He's 34!

Add commitment issues to his personality. He sounds a lot like my 'friend'. Loves attention, selfish, a nice guy but not the sort to commit to anyone. That's fine btw, not everyone wants to. The problem is your wants and how they are very different from his. Move on and find someone more like you.