My GF left me...

[Soulkiss_29]

Here's how your screwing up -- YOU ASKED HER IF YOU CAN CALL HER NEXT WEEK!!!

[Spanaway55]

ye asoulkiss is right, though i belive you should not give up on her, you also shouldnt put yourself in a position where she has u in her pocket! wait for her to call u, and dont nag her about calling or anything, if she wants you back she'll do so herself!

[Satch]

Ok, I'll have to make this very clear.

On Friday, it was 26 days since I had phoned her. It was 24 days since I had sent her an email. It was 11 days since I had seen her (at our lunch 'date'). In those 26 days of me not phoning, she called ME 4 times.

So how can you say that she has me in her pocket?

There comes a time where contact must be re-established in order to get that love bond back. We've been apart for 7 weeks now, and she is starting to establish contact with me. I feel it is time to reciprocate and initiate contact with her too.

When I *casually* asked her if I could call next week, she said "yes, that would be good." Why else would she say something this positive if she wasn't the slightest bit interested?

I'm interested in your comments.

[Soulkiss_29]

Here's how she has you in her pocket -

It's not her that is writing all those sappy and gay letters, talking about how you earned extra money so that she could buy things that she couldn't afford (BIG FRIGGIN MISTAKE). It's you. She doesn't want you back --- you want her back! She's the one that broke your heart -- you didn't break hers!

[Soulkiss_29]

There comes a time where contact must be re-established in order to get that love bond back. We've been apart for 7 weeks now, and she is starting to establish contact with me. I feel it is time to reciprocate and initiate contact with her too.

There also comes a time where contact is re-established to ensure that the heartbroken one is OK. If enough time has gone by, one will do this. When I broke up with one of my ex's, I re-established contact with her about 8 weeks later, to make sure that she was OK.

Perhaps your ex wants to make sure that your OK, because she could feel guilty for breaking up with you. It doesn't neccessarily mean that she wants you back.

[Cybog]

I'm simply not giving up on her yet. She is a very special person, and we had a very special bond together. I believe deep down that we can get that bond back. I just need to be senisble in the way I achieve this.

Hmm, as much as Soulkiss seems heartless about some things, I will say that I agree with him in some areas.

There are a couple things we havent really heard yet from you Satch.

1. How it is exactly that you plan on "achieving" this voctory of winning her back.

2. What your strategy would be for your situation in the event that you did.

3. If you feel like that bond was never lost, perhaps there is some chance that she does NOT feel that it can be brought back.

Something else you have to remember from her standpoint is that just because you guys are exchanging phone calls probably doesnt mean to her that she is re-establishing anything. She may just be keeping in touch to see how you are doing. You guys DID spend a long time together, and the breakup obviously wasnt a nasty one. (At least you never eluded to this) So chances are good she is simply playing the "nice girl" role and mantaining communication.

I hate to play Devil's Advocate here, because it is clear to me that you love this girl, but at the same time you do need to hear an occasional voice of reason.

I will say one other thing that you might not like, so fair warning.

If you continue to dance around the issue of "where do you see us in another year" with her, it will slowly get more and more fuzzy with you less in the picture. 2 months is plenty long enough for her to have lived "on her own" and to figure out what she has done and what has happened in the relationship for you to start talking about it.

The more you wait for this to "work itself out" the more depressed and sadenned you are going to become with the waiting and waiting.

Keep me posted.

[Satch]

Hi Cybog,

Once again, I appreciate your *constructive* feedback. I have chosen to ignore Soulkiss's *destructive* feedback as it is simply that.

1. How it is exactly that you plan on "achieving" this voctory of winning her back.

Using a combination of no contact in order to control my emotions, then contact with my ex to make her feel comfortable around me. Once this is achieved (I believe I am almost there now), I will start to display the qualities in me that she first fell in love with, and also display the changes that I have made to myself.

2. What your strategy would be for your situation in the event that you did.

I would have to be sure that my ex was coming back to me due to love and nothing else. This would be very hard to prove, but I would expect her to talk to me about her reasons, and insist that we get relationship counselling. We would also need to take things slowly, and build back that love bond and trust.

3. If you feel like that bond was never lost, perhaps there is some chance that she does NOT feel that it can be brought back.

This is always a possibility, and a risk that I am currently prepared to take.

Something else you have to remember from her standpoint is that just because you guys are exchanging phone calls probably doesnt mean to her that she is re-establishing anything. She may just be keeping in touch to see how you are doing. You guys DID spend a long time together, and the breakup obviously wasnt a nasty one. (At least you never eluded to this) So chances are good she is simply playing the "nice girl" role and mantaining communication.

This could be true, but at a minimum it is positive as it shows that she is still thinking about me.

If you continue to dance around the issue of "where do you see us in another year" with her, it will slowly get more and more fuzzy with you less in the picture. 2 months is plenty long enough for her to have lived "on her own" and to figure out what she has done and what has happened in the relationship for you to start talking about it.

The more you wait for this to "work itself out" the more depressed and sadenned you are going to become with the waiting and waiting.

Hence the reason I feel it is time to start more frequent contact with her again. I do not expect things just to work themselves out as they may never will.

She is moving to a new city shortly, and to a new job. The city she is moving to is a big and lonely place. She will realise this after a while. If I am there to talk to (via phone), she will have someone to talk to and share her thoughts and feelings with. Over time this will build a bond between us again, and hopefully lead to a love bond. I truly love this girl and do not want to give up yet.

Thanks for your feedback Cybog, and I look forward to your further comments.

[Cybog]

Well, it is good to know then that you are thinking things through. I generally have to swim through the barrage of postings here, most of which could be avoided if people simply thought about what they are doing/did, or communicated as clearly with their signifigant others as much as they do on internet forums.

Sadly, the best thing we can do is wait. They say that absense makes the heart grow fonder. Personally, I think that person obviously never went through a rough breakup. But in this case, hopefully it will work in your favor.

This is definitely one of those tough ones with no clear answers or guidelines of what to do, what went wrong, who is to blame...it simply seems like she is going to have to come back to reality sooner or later and let you know what she wants. (Or doesnt)

And what makes it really a bitch is that you dont want to press that issue at the same time.

Either way, im batting for you, and if you need anything just post. Ive been watching this thread pretty closely. Hopefully someday soon enough it will be with good results for the both of you, one way or another.

[Satch]

Thanks buddy, I really appreciate your comments.

[Satch]

Update:

I called my ex last week as planned. Called her on her mobile phone. She could see it was me calling, and answered with a very happy and genuine "Hello". Great start to the call.

I asked her how her last couple of weeks were. Once again she talked to me as if she really wanted to. She had a really good tone to her voice. I call it her 'John' voice, as this is the voice she has only ever used to me. She told me fine details about her new job, what she had been up to in her spare time etc. The Friday night she went out (and told me what part of town she was going to be at) she told me the bars that she went to. I told her that I had gone to some of the same places, and she responded with an almost disappointed "I didn't see you at any of these places." I asked her about her family etc, and she told me details about what each had been up to.

She asked me what I had been up to. I told her about a party that a girl at my work held, and I'd been too. I told her how a friend of mine ended up staying the night (she knows both of these people). Her response was kinda strange. She said that she never thought the two of them would hook up, but if anyone, this girl would have liked me. I said "really?", and she said, "of all the people in your office, I would have thought that she would like you." I told her that we were only work buddies, and I certainly did not have any feelings for this person. But why would she say something like this? Was she testing me?

I also told her how my divorce was (I had gone to the family court with my ex wife the week before to finalise it). She asked me how I felt about it, and I told her that it was really a relief. I said that it was kind of weird the last couple of years being married to someone that I was not with anymore.

Finally she asked me what I was doing that weekend. I took the opportunity to say "I was wondering if you'd like to catch a movie and grab a bite to eat. How do you feel about that?" I caught her off guard. She responded with "Umm, I don't know." I said "have a think about it, and let me know." She said "I will think about it and let you know."

I ended the call by saying "It was good to talk to you." She said "Thank you for calling."

[Satch]

Update:

She called me on Friday to see how I was. As always, I say "I'm good thanks." She told me that she had thought about the movies, but it was a little too soon yet to be doing something like that. I told her that I understood, and agreed that it was too early. Then she said "but we should catch up anyway, for a coffee."

I knew she was going to decline the movies, so I was not disappointed. But she gave me a positive by offering a coffee meeting instead. She didn't need to do this.

I'd appreciate some constructive comments from people.

[cowtown]

I am going to post once only. Forget about her. Move on.

[RogerPodacter]

Satch - You are seriously screwing up, dude. You are playing right into her hand and she is lapping it up! Stick with the no contact rule and leave her alone, because she is poison. She may be a good woman, but look what the breakup has done to you!

I've read your posts, Satch and I believe that you said that you are in your 30's and she is 20, or something like that. She is young and not ready to settle down. Let her go, already. If you leave her alone, you will be that much desireable to her!!!

~Soul

Here's how your screwing up -- YOU ASKED HER IF YOU CAN CALL HER NEXT WEEK!!!

Satch god buddy, these guys are right, but let me tell you my story and give you advice anyway, even though its not what you want to hear.

My girlfriend recently broke up with me after being together for 6 years. We went to college together, did vacations, the family stuff, talked about living together, marriage...etc. I never thought in a million years we would break up for good. In the beginning all her friends thought that we would get back together, her family did as well (her family and friends loved me). And even my ex said that there was nothing to worry about and we will end up together forever eventually.

But you know where we stand right now? Its 5 months later and she is moving on with her life with some other dude, for good. I did everything wrong, just like the way you sound right now. I was looking into everything she said for meaning, wrote her really sweet/heartfelt letters spilling my guts, told her i still loved her, asked to see her, randomly call her phone, do the lunch date, etc... and all it did was push her away. Its hard as hell man, trust me. I knew that i had to ignore her and i still couldnt do it at times. Its hard to fathom that someone you are with for 6 years can lose feelings for you, like why cant she just remember the way i was BEFORE, when we were happy and i was cool and confident with her. I had the same mindset as you, which was "i cant just sit back and possibly lose the most important thing in my life. I have to at least try". WRONG MOVE. It just made it worse, because she knew she could have me so she didnt want me. I was a mess, couldnt eat or sleep for days, was miserable and depressed.

You really, really, really have to act like you are better off without her, and that you've moved on. Do not call her at all! Dude for 5 months i called my ex to the point where she basically never called me anymore. For the last few weeks i have completely ignored her, even when she calls i dont answer the phone. And she has started to call me alot more now. Its the golden rule that "they want what they cant have". Dude the only way to get her interested is to move on, or pretend that you've moved on (which is really hard to do), but once you do really move on, you will be the one who doesnt want HER back. Just like Swingers. I know moving on isnt what you want to hear, but its what you have to do. honestly. and if you get back together in the future, so be it. just expect the worst and hope for the best. good luck.

[Satch]

This is funny! Everyone here seems to think that I am harrasing my ex. I'm not sure if I have sent the wrong message, but I am far from bugging her. In the last 40 days, I have phoned her ONCE, and she has phoned me 6 (six) times. I'm sitting back playing the cool and calm guy, while she is doing most of the work.

Don't get me wrong, I want her back like nothing else. But I am not annoying her in the slightest. My counsellor told me today that my ex must really love me because she is telling me intimate details about her personal life. My counsellor told me that woman do not normally tell their ex boyfriends the level of detail that my ex is explaining to me.

I'm keeping it very light. Playing cool. I cannot sit back forever and wait for my number to come up, I have to be proactive and fight for what I want. But I have to be sensible about it.

I do apologise if my messages here are mixed. I am (quietly) desperate (ok, let's cut the shit, who here isn't desperate to get their ex back? I'm not afraid to admit it) to get my ex back, but I certainly do not display this to her. I am her friend that she is telling everything to. Please wish me luck.

[Soulkiss_29]

I really don't give a s**t if you ignore me or not, because I'm not gonna be the one on this forum that's gonna tell you what you want to hear. I tell you how it is ----


This is funny! Everyone here seems to think that I am harrasing my ex. I'm not sure if I have sent the wrong message, but I am far from bugging her. In the last 40 days, I have phoned her ONCE, and she has phoned me 6 (six) times. I'm sitting back playing the cool and calm guy, while she is doing most of the work.

I don't know what it is with you, Satch. Who gives a s**t if she's called you more than you've called her. This has nothing to do with harrassment. This has everything to do with pride and dignity. Like I said before - SHE IS CALLING YOU TO SEE IF YOU ARE OK. SHE IS NOT CALLING YOU TO RECONCILE!

My counsellor told me today that my ex must really love me because she is telling me intimate details about her personal life.

Exactly what your counsellor said -- Your ex loves you and is not in love with you.

My counsellor told me that woman do not normally tell their ex boyfriends the level of detail that my ex is explaining to me.

Normally, women will tell their ex boyfriends about their personal lives, especially if a couple had spent 2.5 years together and have been broken up for a little over a month now. Don't you think that level of trust is still there?

I do apologise if my messages here are mixed. I am (quietly) desperate (ok, let's cut the shit, who here isn't desperate to get their ex back? I'm not afraid to admit it) to get my ex back, but I certainly do not display this to her. I am her friend that she is telling everything to. Please wish me luck.

Who here isn't desperate to get their ex back?

I, like you, lost a girlfriend of 2.5 years, one year ago. Yes, I was heartbroken, but had too much pride and dignity to even think of wanting her back. I gave myself time to grieve. I went out and partied hard, met some amazing women, became better at my job, ect, ect. Three months later, I found a new love interest and have been together ever since. If she ever decides that I'm not the one for her, f**k her and I'll go and find me a new wahine! So in other words, there is no way in hell that I'd want to get back with a woman that doesn't want to be with me anymore!

Yeah Satch -- Let's cut the s**t and leave her alone, move the f**k on, and stop acting like she is the only woman on this planet. It makes me chuckle to see you want to reconcile with the same woman that tore your heart out, stomped all over it, and gave it back to you. Boy, you must really be addicted to pain.

~Soulkiss