Part 2

[Cain]

She's dumb.

Find a girl that's not so dumb, and with less emotional problems.

If only it were that easy to just walk away?

Everyone has problems. She has emotional issues and I have societal issues. I can fix mine, so I'm sure that with time, she can fix hers.

And while she may not be thinking things through much right now, she's far from dumb. Her intelligence is one of the reasons I fell for her.

[Cain]

lol, for some reason lately I've been wanting to find the MySpace or the Facebook to the first gf I ever had... back in grade school. I still remember her and her sister's name, but I have NO idea how to spell her last name or what variation of the first name she uses.

But, to my defense, this was back in like the third grade.

I'm just more curious than anything. I was in the third grade and she was in first. Her sister was a freshman I believe, but she was smoking hot. I'm kind of curious if she took after her sister or not.

The last name was something like Kaleel... Sounds like Kuh leel... not sure the ways to spell it. And the first name was Janeane.

[Gribble]

Kahlil maybe?

[Cain]

Kahlil maybe?

I figured it'd be easier to find her sister since Jade is really only spelled one way as far as I know, but to no avail.

[Cain]

Nothing really to update, so I'm going to keep everything in this thread until something worthwhile happens.

I've been thinking lately. Whether we get back together or not, this situation has definitely changed my views on some things.

I no longer believe in "soul mates." I used to, but I don't anymore. In fact, I don't know why I ever did. I don't believe in fate and destiny and that's what a "soul mate" is... someone destined to spend their life with you. In my opinion, someone that believes in a "soul mate" is going to struggle with relationships. They are the one that is more inclined to believe that the relationship will just work if they're meant to be together. My ex, for example... since she believes that if we're meant to be together, this break can't keep us apart. I, on the other hand, believe that if we don't try to make it work, we definitely won't get back together.

I've learned that while some romance is good, it's generally a crock of shit. Women don't want romance. Women want a guy that will be a guy and be romantic sometimes. I tried to be romantic with my ex a lot and we see where that got me.

I've learned that while I do still love her and it's going to take a while for me to heal from this breakup, my life will go on and I will find someone that makes me as happy as she did. The problem is, I would rather have my ex.

I've learned that I need to do what's best for me if there are any ambiguities. For example, by January, if she's till unsure about us and doesn't want to work on us, then I'm not moving there. I would lose a year of school... maybe even two... by moving there with no guarantees that it would work. I would be taking a risk by going to a school that will cost more, make me work harder to get through it (working to pay my bills and tuition), when she could move a year after I get there since she'll be done with grad school, and transferring isn't really worth it after that.

I've learned that women are ****ing crazy and that they don't know what they want. I've learned that no matter what a woman says or how much trust she earns, she can lose it all at the drop of a hat. I fully trusted my ex, but it's not all there anymore. Even if we do get back together, I'm going to wonder whether or not this is going to happen again. I'm always going to wonder whether or not she will just want to break up again without working through our problems. Because of that, this will be the last chance she gets.

I've learned that if this relationship doesn't work out, I will not want to do a LDR again. They take a lot of work and if the relationship doesn't work out, it wasn't worth it.

[shh!]

I've learned that women are ****ing crazy and that they don't know what they want. I've learned that no matter what a woman says or how much trust she earns, she can lose it all at the drop of a hat.

Well, this part is utter bullshit, spoken obviously out of bitterness, but you'll probably get over it.

I think your resolution to not move near her if things are solid by January is excellent, though.

[Cain]

Well, this part is utter bullshit, spoken obviously out of bitterness, but you'll probably get over it.

I think your resolution to not move near her if things are solid by January is excellent, though.

I guess that the part you quoted could be said for men too, but it fits very well into my situation with my ex.

We don't need to be back together in January for me to make the move. But we have to be actively working on "us" for me to do it. I'm not going to move there if she is still unsure what she wants. It's a very big risk and I'm not willing to take it if she's not sure, because as I've said, I could be stuck there for 4 years AFTER she's move already.

The problem is that if I don't move there, I don't think we'll make it, so right now it's basically up to her. I don't want to keep dealing with distance and if I stay here, I'm not leaving until I get my Bachelors degree... and so unless she moved here, we'd be apart for at least another three years. One or both of us, I'm sure, will have moved on by then.

[shh!]

I vote you stay where you are and finish school.

[Cain]

I vote you stay where you are and finish school.

And if I don't think she and I will work out, that's what I'm going to do.

I've said this before... I'm not going to throw what we had away unless I know that it's not going to work. If I stay where I am, we will never be back together. It's not something I am willing to do unless I know we're done.

I do, wonder, however if the pressure from her parents finally got to her since they didn't agree with how we met. Her parents don't agree with our relationship simply because we met through Facebook. It isn't an online relationship though because we have a physical relationship. We saw each other often. But they are just old-fashioned and so they don't like how we met. They've met me and have nothing negative to say about me, and yet they still don't like how we met. They feel that I could be lying about anything, even though I could be lying about anything if I lived next door to her. During the school year, she shrugged everything they said about not liking it off. It didn't bother her because she talked to them every now and then and wanted to be with me. However, she's been over there all summer... nearly four months... and so I wonder if they were finally able to get to her.

[Cain]

We talked a bit last night. The conversation went well. I joked around and was cheerful. She mentioned that she was tired so she was going to go to sleep... and said how she hadn't slept well the last week (we were broken up for almost two weeks, so it had only been a week of it) and I asked why. She said that it was probably her body's way of getting back at her since she was supposed to be in bed with me all week.

Now, I'm not reading into it much, but it's that kind of comment that makes me believe she still does have feelings for me. If she was trying to put distance and space in order to make the breakup easier like some people believe, I don't think she'd have said that. When I asked if her body missed me, she said "haha yeah"...

I do think that I have to try a different approach though. I need to talk to her every day, but just at night if we're both around. Because she's usually busy, I think that if she's trying to push me away, not talking to her will make it easier for us to drift apart and so if I talk to her every day or two and joke around, I think that we won't drift apart too fast and the visit can help things.

[Cain]

Oh, and another thing I want to say... which I completely forgot about until something on this site reminded me of it.

She tends to say things that she doesn't mean when we go on a break because it makes her feel better. For example, right now she's saying that the fact that she's more social than me is bad. I had to file bankruptcy because of financial debt that I had when I left the military. I was doing well with it until I was in a car accident and my insurance company wouldn't cover the costs of my car, and so a $13,000 debt couldn't be erased and I couldn't afford that and a new car. But it's fine. I've been financially responsible since and it has been a couple of years. Bankruptcy was created for people to get a fresh start anyways... but now she's saying that it bothers her.

But... I still think these aren't as big of issues as she makes them seem, because of something that happened during our last break. I'm a vegetarian. I've been a vegetarian for 26 months. When we went on our first break a year ago, she said that it bothered her because it was weird and because she didn't want to have to make separate meals for us... lol... stupid. But, that just makes me think, once again, that she tries to think negatively to make the breakup easier. I don't think these issues are as big as she tries to make them seem.

[shh!]

People get very weird about food. I don't eat pork or shellfish (religion-related), and my daughter is a vegetarian. My husband and son eat whatever they please. It's not so hard, but people with no food prohibitions act like you are asking them to cut off their right arm.

Anyway, I agree she sounds like she is making excuses. It sounds like she is looking to legitimize your splitting up... it makes me think she is hiding the real reason.

[Cain]

People get very weird about food. I don't eat pork or shellfish (religion-related), and my daughter is a vegetarian. My husband and son eat whatever they please. It's not so hard, but people with no food prohibitions act like you are asking them to cut off their right arm.

Anyway, I agree she sounds like she is making excuses. It sounds like she is looking to legitimize your splitting up... it makes me think she is hiding the real reason.

Well, she doesn't eat red meat.. and only usually eats chicken and some seafood. She's even suggested that she become a vegetarian while we've been together but says she can't until we moved together because she wouldn't be able to make herself... and she laughed about that. But she was dead serious about becoming a vegetarian through no coercion from me.

I think she is making excuses like I've said, but I don't think there's some major reason. I believe the breakup was either due to stress, pressure from her parents, or inability to continue to deal with the distance. I don't believe it has anything to do with another guy. I also don't think it has anything to do with her not wanting to be in a serious relationship anymore.

When she would get her period, she would be both happy and sad. Happy that she got it because she knew we weren't ready enough for a child, but sad because she really wanted a child with me. This happened just last month... in July... and was happening for a couple of months before that. I don't see how she could go from that to not wanting a serious relationship in a week.

I'm definitely confident there's no other guys though. Though all women like male attention to an extent, she feels more awkward around it. I remember when she was at the mall with her mom and sister... she stayed out of the store to call me while her mom and sister went in. She sat on a bench, we talked, and then she got off the phone. While she was there, some guy sat down on the bench next to her and she got up and walked away because he was too close.

[lesa]

It sounds like she is looking to legitimize your splitting up... it makes me think she is hiding the real reason.

BINGO!

I know you don't want to believe this right now Cain and it's okay. I am very sure she is hiding the real reason. People make lists like that to legitimize that they are not satisfied in the relationship. I am sure there is much more to it.

Also, you really never know someone better than they know themselves. When you guys talk about issues (I do this too and find out their real opinion weeks or months later) she may agree with you at the time of the conversation. But, really she may have a dark past and when you say you look negatively on this or that she may be thinking, "wow, I can't tell him about my time at this or that because I am afraid he will judge me negatively". So now she is bringing all that back up in a different way to give herself valid reasons to end the relationship.

I know this well because, like I said before, I used to think very conservatively just like you. You have to find someone who is compatible with you. She may be cool, and you love her, have communication, etc but that does not make you guys compatible.

[lesa]

Well, she doesn't eat red meat.. and only usually eats chicken and some seafood. She's even suggested that she become a vegetarian while we've been together but says she can't until we moved together because she wouldn't be able to make herself... and she laughed about that. But she was dead serious about becoming a vegetarian through no coercion from me.

I think she is making excuses like I've said, but I don't think there's some major reason. I believe the breakup was either due to stress, pressure from her parents, or inability to continue to deal with the distance. I don't believe it has anything to do with another guy. I also don't think it has anything to do with her not wanting to be in a serious relationship anymore.

When she would get her period, she would be both happy and sad. Happy that she got it because she knew we weren't ready enough for a child, but sad because she really wanted a child with me. This happened just last month... in July... and was happening for a couple of months before that. I don't see how she could go from that to not wanting a serious relationship in a week.

I'm definitely confident there's no other guys though. Though all women like male attention to an extent, she feels more awkward around it. I remember when she was at the mall with her mom and sister... she stayed out of the store to call me while her mom and sister went in. She sat on a bench, we talked, and then she got off the phone. While she was there, some guy sat down on the bench next to her and she got up and walked away because he was too close.

I give up on her. She's too indecisive.

Now you know that food was an issue for her and many other things as well. Maybe she is trying to sabotage it to end it. She seems to be suggesting that you change in order for this relationship to work. Do you want to do that? Should you feel that you must do that for her? Would you rather find someone who is more compatible and have a more satisfying relationship?