Life Altering Question...

[jane]

wow... this is a pretty heated subject.

[BillyGalbreath]

Only to icequeen... But then again she is just that kind of person...

Update: Robin and I are going to be just friends - We haven't really talked about it any more since that 1 night... But in my mind I think I have put things at ease...

I met this other girl yesterday - She seems to be really nice - I doubt anything will become of us - but it has make me look up away from my little hole and see that there really are other women out there... I think I am truely going to start this whole 'dating game' thing...

I have never been out on a date - sad I know - all my last g/f's we either knew each other at school/work or we just hung out at one of our houses and just made out all the time... Weird childhood, I know...

I think it is gonna be hard for me in this dating thing - I am at a weird age - 20 - can't drink - but anyone my age or younger I just dont get along with - I have always had older friends and g/f's (except for ex wife) so I guess I act a bit older than I really am in person...

So if I date a girl thats my age or younger I feel more like a parent than a b/f or friend -- and if I date an older chick I am not going to be able to interest her very much because I cant get into certain clubs, and I cant drink - I feel as tho I might be looked upon as a child...

So yeah - I am just gonna go with the flow and see how things work out.

[hallanole]

ok. please don't take this the wrong way, but i'm having a bit of an issue with your bouncing around.

it's been 2 months since your ex left you, just the other day you wanted your other ex back and now you want to date. I'm just beyond confused.

i seriously think you need to not think about seeing anyone, take time to yourself, enjoy your kids, maybe find a hobby...

[BillyGalbreath]

lol - I told you ppl I was bipolar - give it a few more hours - i will prolly change my mind again

[hallanole]

I don't think you are bipolar. nothing you have said matches to how my sister is and she is bipolar.

i think you seriously don't know what you want. you need to sit down for a long time and think about what you really want out of life.

[BillyGalbreath]

a happy family (wife, kids, house, car, etc...) <- thats what I want out of life

[hallanole]

right almost everyone want that. but how do you plan on getting that? you already have the kids. so i think you should work on bettering yourself for your kids then think about dating. you don't need a SO to make you happy in life.

[BillyGalbreath]

I just have this thing about being alone... idk - it has been and still is my worst fear...

[hallanole]

then that is the problem. there is nothing wrong with being alone. its wonderful, you find out how stong of a person you are.

Get a hobby or something you like that adds something. OMg i can't think of the words at the moment...

anyway get a hobby or go to school. There are good programs around that help out single parents. I know i am in one. I work full time, go to school listed as full time cause i'm in an excelled program. I get financial aid and pay back after, I will have a internship and 90% of the time the internship offers you a job.

everyday i work, study, take care of my daughter and then myself. But in the end I go to bed happy cause i know what I'm accomplishing without someone else. Hell even my best friend is telling me to quit school cause I'm stressed. But i say if i didn't have stress i would be going bonkers.

[sfalexi]

It's a LOT of people's fears. Mine too. But you have to have the courage to push that fear aside right now and have the faith that you WON'T end up alone.

Anyways, good luck with stuff Bill. And don't worry about not dating. I haven't dated much. I just started dating a year ago (at the same age that you are now - 20 - I think that's your age). So at least feel good that I've been there too. Except you're actually AHEAD of me right now in the experience deparment (in general with women and sex and family and living on your own, having a career, etc. etc.)

So don't even begin to think that you're "behind" a normal person cause you haven't dated. Cause if so then where the hell am I!?!?!

Alexi

[BillyGalbreath]

New Update:

I am single. Alone. Constanly in pain every second of everyday. I left the most perfect woman in the world because I was affriad of commitment. I left her to go out and have "fun". I left her for another, younger, girl that did nothing but want to have "fun". We did drugs every day. We had sex constantly. After awhile I started to realize that I want commitment. I wanted my ex g/f back. The woman who I still loved and wanted to marry. But I was scared to go back because it was a sign of an unstable mind. So I stayed with the new girl. Started to calm down with the sex and drugs... Things started to go good for us. We started to grow on each other and our relationship became stronger. I still loved my ex g/f and wanted her back. In my mind I knew what I was doing was wrong but I was still scared to go back because now I did not want to hurt this new girl. I liked her too much to hurt her. And I didnt know if my ex still wanted me back or not. Eventually me and this new girl fell in love. I still loved my ex. I thought about her everyday. I would sometimes during sex picture my new girl as my ex... When we slept I would turn over and see her and get disappointed that it was not my ex. This was a very hard time for me. I did not know what to do. So I started to talk to my new girl about these issues I was having in my head. After awhile of talking and crying I started to tell myself to move on. I have a new family. A new g/f. A new life. I left the old for a reason. I did not know what the reason was. But I started to give myself excuses. 'She treated me like a child' ' she was too controling' 'she was too old for me' etc etc... After awhile I staretd to believe these excuses. I brain washed myself. I started to hate my ex. I went on with my life with my new g/f. We start to have problems early in the relationship. But we both looked past them and decided for a strong relationship we must learn to accept our differences. She becomes a stripper. At first this seemed like an okay plan to me. And I thought it was kinda cool. you know. I was dating a stripper. she started to make butt loads of money that made my job seem like fast food. So we both decided it was a good idea for me to quit since she worked nights and I worked days and we never saw each other. We spent our days together and at night I took care of out son. After ahile she started to bring home less and less money - and at the same time (i did not notice this until recently) she started to sleep in alot more during the days... One night she didnt even come home until 11 am the next morning... This is what caused our first fight. Turned out she spent the night at the DJ's house that night. And supposedly she did not sleep with him. Our fight turned into me apologizing to her and begging her to stay (she was good about blame shifting). She then left for work and did the same. this time she slept with him. We fought again and I did not back down and she apologized and we moved on. I should have left right then and there. I should have taken this opportunity to go back to the woman who truely loved me. But as I said I grew to hate my ex because of the excuses I made up for myself to stay with this new girl. Well, she quit sleeping around on me (at least to my knowledge) but she started to do drugs again. And this time it was not just weed. She got into it all... weed, x, crack, heroine... We always fought about this and our relationship started to turn mostly sour. I stayed with her (i dont know why - i think because by this point in my life i realized that i dont want to be alone). Yes we still had good times. But she was always walking over me. I let it happen. I was stupid. She started to prostitute herself out eventually. I did not know it for sure, but I was beginning to suspect it. She worked during the day and at night (double shit crap) and then came home like 4 hours after the club opened. Then she slept for about 5-6 hours and left again to start the day over... During these times I had never felt so alone. I had no friends left. I had no family left. I had no vehicle to go anywhere. I sat in my apartment with no tv (pawned it for food money for the baby), starving 5 days out of the week, crying all the time, listening to music, while taking as best of care of my son as I could alone. This is about beginning of Feb of this year... The time that I found God. I would cry and cry and talk outloud to myself and ask questions that I knew the answer to but di dnot want to know... Then I just held my head back and looked to the ceiling and said "What do I do now?" instantly my mind cleared of all thoughts... except one. Never in my life has my mind been at this much ease for me to think of one thing and one thing only. 'Call her and get her home to talk'. This is the start of the breakup... I called her and ansked her to come home - i told her we needed to talk about this whole situation. She did not come home. So 4 days of this went by and each day I would ask what do I do. and each time I asked i got a clear answer. and I would attempt every answer that I was given. The last night I ever saw her as a couple I told her to stay home during the day shift that we needed to talk and she needed to have time off to rest a little, then she could go back in the night shift if she so wanted. she agreed and we went to sleep. When I woke she was gone. She left early that day. So again i sat there and cryed. held my son in my arms and just cryed. i cryed half the day away before asking God what to do. I was trying to figure out what to do on my own. I finally broke down and asked him. and again he told me to call her. When I did the only thing she had to say was 'I will be home at 10pm to get bryce and then i am going to my moms to have some alone time to think'. i agreed and hung up. again this voice in my head was calling out to me. 'call her'. so again I called her and thats when she said it. "It's over! I will get my son at 10pm". this time i told her no and that i was going to my dad's. She freaked and i just hung up the phone. By this time robin was engaged to this new guy she met over the internet so i didnt even try to fool with her. she had moved on with her new life. So i went to my dads and was alone. again. crying everyday because I was so hurt. no one had ever left me before. I had never felt that pain. I had never been alone. and never felt that pain either. I got a job again. This time it is a very nice office job - thats where i am at right now - and I started to save money for me and my son to get back on our feet and win back the heart of destine (2nd g/f). I started to think about everything. Alot. I have always been the type of peron to think of everything. I have to analise everything that is going on around me. I have to know everything. So I began to replay the last 4 years of my life over and over again in my head. Each time something new was revealed that I missed before. Eventually I got to a point where I know exactly what happened and for exactly what reasons. This has brought me to this week. I know what I want. I know what I had. I know why I am alone. I know why I left my first g/f. I know why my 2nd g/f left me. I know why. I realize now, that I have everything. I have my son, good health, sharp mind, loving heart, and a clean soul. I have more experience than most people at my age. I have matured faster than most my age. I have gained more than most my age. I have lost more than most my age. Today I still hurt. But not for the same reasons as before. Today I hurt because of my epiphany. Today is my d-day. Today I have died. Today I spoke with Robin on the phone and she has twined together any loose ends I had missed. Today I am born again. Ego suscitatio novus anima (Today I awaken to new life). I finally know where I have been. This is to help know where I am going. Now I know where I am going. And it is where I want to go. Ego gradior huic anima sui! (look it up if you want to know what it means - its latin).

I am leaving these boards and moving away from my fanasy land, my escape. I am going out into the real world to enjoy this new life that has been given to me. I have enjoyed my time here for the most part. Most of you are very nice people and have given me alot of advice. Your advice has helped me start over.

Squirrley, iron, I wish the best of luck to you two in what comes your way.

Innova, you are one of the nicest guys I have ever met. Thank you.

Sky - well.. hmm.. weeeeeeeeeeeee!

Jane, I havent really spoken to you much but you seem like a really nice person...

To everyone else, thank you all for your support. And I wish the best of luck to all of you to find your answers.

Icequeen, you can just kiss my white ass. You've been a bitch from the beginning and your always going to be a bitch. You give poor advice and you just knock people that you dont even know just to make yourself feel better. That is very unhealthy and I prey for you. May one day you find your happiness.

Good-bye everyone!

And may God be with you all!

[squirrley]

Billy I wish you the best of luck in your journies through life...

May God be with you...

[sfalexi]

Sorry to hear you'll be leaving us Bill. Have a good one and be careful out there. As you know by now, life can be cruel and throw you a few curveballs. Good luck with everything man.

Alexi